Out of Sight Out of Mind (16 page)

Madison fiddled with the air-conditioning unit in the corner of her lab. The room felt chilly, after the warmth outside. She thought, with a pang, of the sunshine flooding in through her balcony windows. But she’d wanted
, needed
, the formality of the laboratory, the workplace setting. It wasn’t working. She and Jay simply weren’t connecting.

She gave up on the AC unit and went to sit at the bench. She wasn’t sure what was happening. It was as if they were both holding back. Politely skirting each other, like guests at a dull party – but that couldn’t be right. She knew what she was trying to hide, and that she was going to have to fix it somehow. But what could Jay be masking? She had to be projecting her own anxiety on to him. And it had to stop.

‘I think we should call it a day.’ She closed her file. ‘Make a fresh start in the morning.’

Jay was sitting on the edge of the couch, arms braced, head down. She went over to him. ‘Are you nauseous? Do you want some water?’

‘A little light-headed, that’s all.’ His eyes, when he raised them, were bleak. ‘We’ve lost it, whatever it was.’

‘Tomorrow will be different.’

‘You think that?’

She shrugged, not wanting to lie.

‘This is just an experiment to you.’ His eyes had gone from cold to hot. ‘It’s my fucking
life
.’ His hand closed on her arm. Even as his grip tightened she saw the horror fly over his face. He let go of her as if her flesh burned.

‘Jay!’ She hitched herself up beside him on the couch, making him turn to look at her. ‘What is it?’ A flash of intuition gave her the answer. ‘Is this about that nightmare you had?’ she asked quietly. ‘What did you see?’

‘I don’t remember. It was just the drugs, an hallucination.’

There was a film of sweat on his forehead. He put up a hand to brush it away, shielding his face. She closed her fingers on his wrist, gently pulling his arm down. He’d lowered his head, still blocking her out. She shook his arm before she let it go.

‘Look – it could be important. Tell me.’

She waited in silence.

There was uncertainty in his eyes when he finally raised his head. She could almost feel the wrench as he made the decision to give it up. His face was contorted in anguish.

‘I was running, endless corridors – you know the sort of thing. Then …’ He swallowed. ‘There was a woman. I couldn’t see her face, but I knew her.’ His voice hitched. ‘There was blood – all over my hands.’

Madison pulled in a long breath. ‘You think you were responsible for the blood – that you hurt this woman? Someone you loved?’

‘Not loved.’ The denial came out hard. He shoved his hand into his hair. ‘It could explain the memory loss. Killing someone. Pretty traumatic.’

‘Killing?’

‘Oh yes, definitely killing. Maybe your investigator should be looking at unsolved murders.’

Madison ignored the diversion. ‘You couldn’t identify the woman, but you knew her. How well?’

‘Intimately. And don’t ask me how I know that, because I can’t tell you.’

Or wouldn’t? She let it pass.

‘There are all sorts of symbols related to dreams,’ she began cautiously.

Jay gave her what could only be described as a dirty look. ‘I don’t care what it says in the textbooks. This blood
was
blood – and it was on my hands.’

‘I don’t go much for the textbooks, either,’ she admitted. ‘But when you dream about something, it isn’t necessarily because you experienced it. Dreams don’t have to reflect things that have actually happened.’ She stopped, gathering her thoughts. ‘When my parents were murdered—’ she paused again ‘They were shot. I didn’t see it. I was in school on the other side of town, but for years afterwards I dreamed about blood – in their car, on the pavement. What I was seeing wasn’t real, just something my imagination had conjured up. I knew that, but it didn’t stop the dreams, or take away my grief and guilt because I wasn’t with them when they died. I kept on seeing it,
even though I wasn’t there
. I think you’re a man who values control, Jay. This may have been something like that – some event that was out of your control.’

‘Something I should have been able to stop.’

‘Something you
felt
you should have been able to stop. However unreasonable that feeling might be.’

She watched him turn the suggestion over. The ghost of a smile came up into his eyes.

‘So – me being totally anal, this could be a kind of survivor guilt, stirred up by the chemical cocktails you’ve been serving me?’

‘It’s a theory.’ She hesitated, then decided to take the plunge. ‘Um, you know the control thing – I had sort of an idea. About the wall.’

‘Yeah?’ His eyes lit up.

‘I wondered if your brain could be using that trait against itself, holding on to something so tightly that nothing is getting through. It’s not very clear yet, and don’t ask me how we undo it, because I really don’t know.’

Jay shut his mouth on the question. ‘You’ll figure it out.’ He gave her a long look. ‘Thanks for sharing with me, about your parents – and I’m sorry. No child should have to go through that.’

‘What doesn’t kill you makes you strong. My aunt used to say that. I’m not sure if it’s true.’

He was still looking at her. ‘I think you know that it is.’

Strong. Jay thought she was strong. And this, after she’d cried all over him. If only he knew.

Madison curled her feet up under her on the bed. The blinds in her bedroom were open. The fine weather had broken. There was a storm coming in, rapidly, from the west. She could hear the rumble of thunder. A sheet of bright, white lightning cracked across the sky. Ten seconds later the deluge began. Madison darted up to fasten the windows. There was a light showing next door. Jay was still awake.

She paced back and forth, watching the elements. After a while she opened the window again, just a crack, letting in the fresh smell of the rain. Jay was just the other side of the wall. She leaned her head against it. Was he sprawled on the sofa, or on the bed? On his side, or on his back? Reading or watching TV? Still in his jeans and sweatshirt or—

Her imagination failed. The image was too much to handle. It had to be the storm, making her skittish.

Oh, really? The man is sex on legs. You want him. When are you going to deal with that?

Madison threw herself down on the bed. How could she deal with it? Sexy or not, Jay was off limits, out of bounds. But if she didn’t deal with it … she was never going to get back inside his head again.

The truth hit her with an impact like the thunder.

The three-day breathing space she’d insisted on had actually been her own undoing. Out of professional mode,
her awareness of Jay as a man had escalated, without her even realising it. Now, having to shield the way she wanted him, was sapping her focus when she entered his mind.

You can’t do this and still keep secrets.
If she wanted to help Jay, then she couldn’t conceal any more. She had to give as much of herself as she could.
Except for that very last barrier of protection that you promised never to give up?

She pulled her knees up under her chin, rocking. Her heart was racing so fast she was afraid something was going to burst. She forced herself to inhale and exhale. She could give, but would Jay take? There were plenty of signs that he was attracted to her. She’d caught a look in his eyes that was more than attraction, once or twice. A slow smile lifted the corners of her mouth. Was
that
what he’d been trying to mask? Was Jay hiding, just like she was? Because he didn’t have a name?

Madison went very still. If they were to become lovers—

Had
she simply been avoiding the painful need to confront her own feelings, cowering behind a barrier of her own making, clinging to the justification that desire was unprofessional and unethical? But she was confronting those feelings now. Where did that leave her professional values, if acting on desire was the only way to help Jay? Surely trying to help him had to be the most important thing? And what about the woman in Jay’s past – a woman he’d known intimately, who was tied in his mind to violence? She could be his wife.

Pain crimped through Madison’s chest. The private investigator had turned up nothing. If there was a woman out there with a claim on Jay, she wasn’t searching very hard for him. If Jay never recovered his memory, this woman, if she existed, would never get him back. Maybe she didn’t want him?

Madison curled her fingers. Jay and her? If they became lovers it would be a brief liaison, purely physical. Was it worth the risk? She held the thought in her mind – a purely physical affair, without ties? No strings, no pain?

Time out of time.

Did she really believe that they’d reached an impasse; that
this
was the only way forward?

Certainty flooded through her. She did believe it.

She jumped off the bed, needing to move, before her nerve failed her. If it didn’t work, if she’d read Jay all wrong – then tomorrow she’d have to hand in her notice at work and book herself a passage to the other side of the world. But right now—

She crossed to the mirror, smoothing down her hair and undoing the top button of her blouse. Surveying the result, she undid another. With hands that shook, she reached for the perfume bottle and spritzed it into the air, walking through the cloud of vapour. The scent of lemons settled around her.

She was as ready as she was ever going to be.

The door to the studio looked more forbidding than she remembered. She could have brought the key, but that wasn’t how it should go. She put her finger on the bell and pressed, then pressed again. If Jay was asleep in front of the football with the volume turned up—

Her finger was hovering over the bell for the third time when she heard sounds of movement. The door swung open silently. No ominous creaks, no warning groans. Jay stood in the frame, backlit by the lamp in the tiny hall.

He looked – gorgeous. Even better than she’d dared imagine, he was without his shirt. The soft light etched out smooth skin and sculpted muscle. Low-slung jeans clung to lean hips. His hair was flopping over his face, and his eyes were wide with surprise.

‘Madison?’

She had to go up on her toes to reach him. Cupping his face with her hands, she caught him just right, with his lips parted, about to ask her what was wrong. She closed hers over them, boldly sliding in her tongue.

His mouth was hot, sweet, rich and completely beautiful. With a butterfly after-kiss to his lower lip, she stepped back.

He looked – like a man struck by lightning.

Madison picked up his hand, pressed her key into it and turned away.

Jay stood, body burning, vocal chords paralysed, and feet too heavy to lift from the floor. All he could do was watch as Dr Albi
sashayed
back to her own apartment and shut the door with a quiet click.

It took nearly an hour.

For the first ten minutes Madison’s body was vibrating too much for her to think straight. After that, she watched every minute as it crawled around the clock face, her limbs slowly turning to ice. She was composing her letter of resignation in her head and booking her passage to Borneo, Madagascar, anywhere where she wouldn’t have to face Jay again, when the key finally turned in the lock.

He’d put on a shirt and his hair looked damp.

She couldn’t breathe.

‘Uh, did you—’ He waved the key. ‘Did that … just now … did that just mean what I think it meant?’

It needed two attempts. Even then her voice came out light and scratchy, not the seductive purr she’d aimed for. ‘Depends what you think it meant.’

‘That you … that you and I … Madison, did you just – uh – invite me to go to bed with you?’

‘Er … yes – only if you want to.’

He closed the gap between them in two strides. This time the kiss was fully interactive. Madison could only bring herself to disconnect when her lungs were screaming for air.

‘I waited a whole hour!’ She scrunched her hands up into his hair. It
was
damp. He’d showered. The stubble she’d felt when she’d ambushed him in his doorway was gone, too. He smelled of soap and clean cotton. ‘What took you so long?’

‘You come over in the middle of the night, turn a guy to stone, so that he can’t move, and then you ask that?’

‘Stone.’ She rubbed against him, exploring. ‘I like it.’

‘Madison.’ It was a low-pitched groan. Very gently he pushed her away from him. ‘I want you. You’ve proved that – but how can we?’ His voice hitched. ‘You don’t know who I am, what I am …’

He looked down at her, helplessly. When he’d recovered the powers of movement and thought, he’d stood on the balcony, in the rain, with the key in his hand, reciting the hundred reasons why he couldn’t use it. He kept on reciting them in the shower, and as he shaved. He’d sat in the dark, praying to whatever god was in charge of willpower. He tried reason and he tried restraint. The taste of Madison’s mouth kept wiping out his concentration.

It had been a very full hour.

He’d decided to use the key to tell her that he couldn’t possibly accept her flattering offer. He had to save her from herself.

And then the sight of her had annihilated almost every speck of resolve and left his head empty and his body stiff with need. He was totally, utterly lost. But he still had to try.

‘Have you thought about this? Really thought? You know nothing about me. I could have anything in my past—’

She put up a hand to cover his mouth. ‘I know enough. I’ll argue ethics if you want, but I’d rather make love.’ He felt her chest rise and fall, sharply. ‘This shouldn’t be happening,’ she went on. ‘I have no business coming on to you when I’m already messing with your mind. The answer to your question is yes. I have thought.’ She rested her hand against his throat. ‘I’ve been … scared of what seemed to be happening to us. Not scared of
you
,’ she qualified hurriedly as his muscles jerked under her hand. ‘I don’t … let … people into my life easily, but you’re already there. You’ve given me your trust.’ She looked up, her gaze steady and clear, into his eyes. ‘I’m repaying that by asking for your body, as well as your mind. If you tell me that I can’t have them both, then I’ll live with that, and be exceptionally embarrassed in the morning. But it has to be because you don’t
want
me. Not because you’re afraid of what you might have been or done. That’s a shadow.’ She grinned. ‘You know, if you’re going to avoid sex until you get your memory back – you might be looking at a very long period of celibacy.’

She ran her fingers down the buttons of his shirt. ‘As you’ve already admitted that you want me, it’s rather a done deal. But I’d like to hear you say it. Again.’ She smiled up at him encouragingly.

Jay moaned softly. Any ground he still held had just crumbled under his feet. ‘I should never have come in here, should I?’

‘It’s a little late to think of that now.’ Her eyes were shining.

‘You know very well that you had me at hello.’ The very last shard of resistance shattered. ‘I want you.’

He bent his head and kissed her, long and deep, then rested his forehead against hers. ‘You realise that for all we know, I may never have had sex before.’

‘An interesting but unlikely hypothesis.’ She grinned wickedly at him. ‘And one that I’m fully prepared to test until destruction.’

‘You have definitely done this before.’ Madison flopped on to her back, panting. The man could kiss. They’d established that.
Oh
boy,
can he kiss
. She would willingly spend the rest of the night just kissing, but if she could have the caress of his hands as well … The taste of his mouth and the feel of his hands, roaming her body, exploring her skin. And hers on him. But there was more … So much more … The thought of what else they could do, of what came next …

Her stomach shuddered, her breasts throbbed and her toes curled. All at the same time. Her head was spinning, and they’d barely started. She stared around, blinking. Clothes seemed to be strewn in heaps on the floor, plus a pillow or two. She had only the dimmest awareness of how they’d made it to the bedroom. Every nerve in her body was pulsating in tingling life. Jay’s mouth
.
His
hands.
‘Definitely,’ she confirmed.

‘I’m not sure.’ Jay crawled across the bed to her, rolled her on to her side, and began kissing his way, delicately, up her spine. She squirmed as his fingers probed gently between her legs, into the sweet, pulsing heat that was driving her. Gasping, she bucked into Jay’s palm as she shot to an abrupt, body-racking climax, with his mouth against her neck.
This … has never happened … like this … before … So … intense … So … so … fast!

Then she was on her back again, his tongue doing incredible things to her breasts and travelling down.

‘Jay. I can’t …’ Breathing was a waste of energy that could be expended elsewhere. She had to keep remembering to do it. Her hands convulsed over Jay’s back and dug in. ‘I need you, inside me. Now … please, now.’ She was ready to beg and she didn’t care.

The world stopped as Jay went still.

‘What is it?’ She struggled to sit up. Jay’s face was anguished.

‘I can’t – protection – I don’t have anything.’

Relief made her oxygen-starved head spin. She’d thought – never mind what she’d thought.

‘The bedside drawer—’ She leaned over, tipping out the contents of the box and finding them, thankfully, still within date. Jay reached for the packet, but she pushed his hand away. ‘I can do this.’

Jay held his breath as her hand stroked over him, letting it out in a long shudder as she accomplished her purpose. She was kissing her way up his belly now, eyes on his face. Laughing.
Wicked angel.

He’d spun her under him before she’d realised that he’d moved. For a second he just let his weight rest, relishing her softness. Then he eased her thighs apart. She was drenched, so ready for him that it almost hurt. He brushed her lips with his and slid into her.

She was tight, as he’d expected. Her breath hissed and he held himself still, afraid of hurting her. She put her hand up to his neck, looking into his eyes. No doubt there – only wonder and welcome. Something under his ribs kicked and his breath stuttered.

‘You are so beautiful.’ He brushed her hair back, cradling her face with one hand, as he thrust in deeper.

Madison closed her eyes, then opened them again. She wanted to see Jay’s face as he took her. He’d filled her, stretching her in a way that had taken her to the edge of fear, just for a second. But then he’d held still. Let her accept the feel of him, the possession.

When the sweetness of surrender washed over her, he took his rhythm and began to move.

‘Go on.’ He’d captured her hands, urging her up, eyes on her face. Intense, dark, totally focused. On her. ‘Fly. Fly now.’

With his name in her mouth she came again, shuddering, as he plunged deep inside her and spun out over the edge.

Madison lay staring at the ceiling, too sated to move. Jay was somewhere to her right. She could feel his arm, just brushing hers. All her other nerve endings were popping and fizzing and generally doing an after-sex tango. She was wiped out, but she really needed to ask …

‘Jay?’

There was a slight rustling beside her, then nothing.

‘Jay?’
Sharper.
‘You okay?’

A colourful buzzing in her head. Rainbow. In pieces. Smug satisfaction oozed through her. She’d done that. The shades coalesced as he got himself together. It took a moment.

‘Er … depends how you define okay.’

‘Uh, like how far did the Earth move?’
As if she didn’t know.

‘A … considerable distance. May have rolled right over. Damned if I can tell.’

‘Me, neither.’

‘Glad about that.’

Silence.

‘Er … Jay … Can we do it again?’

‘Now?’
Panic was blue, shot with silver. She managed to get her fingers to close over his.

‘Not
right
now.’

‘Thank the Lord.’
There was dark warm around the words. Desire already stirring again. So much for panic.

‘Only I think I may have missed a few of the finer points.’

‘It all felt pretty fine to me – but yeah, some of it was … kind of a blur.’

‘Again, then?’

‘Later.’
Pause. ‘
You’re cool with this? Talking without speaking, I mean?’

‘No problem. Not sure how well anything is working right now – voice – whatever.’

‘Mmm.’
He was drifting away from her. She let him go.

She woke at 3 a.m. with his hand on her throat.

He’d pushed her hair aside, nibbling at the sensitive skin behind her ear. She stretched lazily back into his embrace.

‘Mmm.’ A shiver of pleasure ran through her.

‘You said you wanted to do it again.’ His hand slid down to her breast. ‘Never disappoint a lady.’

Daylight was filtering under the blinds. Madison lay in the half-light, admiring the rise and fall of Jay’s chest. He’d put back the weight he was meant to have and now that long, hard body was just about perfect. She wanted to touch. Taste. Learn. She’d already discovered a couple of places that could turn Jay’s eyes smoulder hot. There had to be more. Wowee! The long legs and the curve of his hip, the line of his back. She ran the tip of her tongue over her lips.

She knew the moment he was awake, from the shift in his breathing. She looked up to find him watching her. ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’ He reached out a lazy arm and pulled her over to snuggle at his side. She buried her nose in his skin, snuffling, making him laugh. He hitched her up, so that she was against his shoulder. She rested her head, remembering the scar along his ribs. She nudged him, running her hand down his side until she found it. ‘What was this?’

‘A misunderstanding over possession of a shop doorway in the Strand and a sharpened dinner knife.’

She winced. ‘Nasty.’

‘Luckily the knife bounced off the bone and the guy behind it passed out at the sight of the blood. Knocked his head on a piece of masonry. I ended up taking
him
to A&E. Got him within sight of the door, and then scarpered.’

‘You’re making that up.’

‘The truth. I swear.’ He raised his hands to cross his heart. Madison twisted his arm, looking for the other scar, running her fingers over it. There was a ridge under the skin, just below the elbow. Jay squinted at what she’d found. ‘I have no idea what did that. It was there when I woke up.’

‘I thought it was laser work, perhaps to remove a tattoo, but it feels wrong. There’s a bump under the surface.’ She guided his hand. ‘Feel it?’

‘Yes.’ He turned his palm, catching her wrist. ‘But I’d rather be feeling you.’