Authors: Kelly Hashway
Cara
I push past Mom and head for the front door. I’m tired of talking. If no one wants to listen, then I’ll do what everyone else is too afraid to do. I’ll find the Hunters. Even if it means going out on my own. Even if it means I’m going to die and never be reborn again. It’s a chance I have to take. Because if I don’t, more Phoenixes are going to die and their blood will be on my hands.
“Where are you going?” Jeremy asks, rushing from the kitchen and following me to the front door.
“Out. I can’t think in this house.”
“Cara, you can’t go out by yourself. I’ll come with you.” He steps outside behind me, but he stops on the front porch, where I’m frozen and disbelieving my own eyes.
“Hey,” Logan says.
“When did you…? I mean, how…?”
Logan looks over my shoulder. “Jer, do you think I could talk to Cara alone for a minute?”
“Jeremy, what is—?” Mom steps into the doorway. “Logan. I didn’t realize you were back.” The surprise in her voice and on her face says she’s every bit as stunned as I am.
“I got in late last night. I would’ve stopped by but I didn’t want to wake anyone.”
Logan’s not looking at me, and I can’t figure out what that means. Is he here to tell me that he’s given up on us? Is he home to pack up the rest of his stuff and go back to New York for good?
“Well, thank you for being so thoughtful. Would you like to come in?” Mom asks.
Logan’s head jerks back in surprise. “Um, actually I came to talk to Cara. Is it okay if we talk out here?”
“Let’s go to the falls,” I say.
“Cara,” Mom’s says sternly. She might be okay with me deciding I need to have Logan in my life, but she’s not ready to let me go off on my own with him. Does she somehow know I slept with him in my previous life? I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I was on my way there anyway.”
Mom crosses her arms. “Not alone, you’re not.”
“Jeremy was going to come with me.”
“You expect me to allow two newborn—” She cuts herself off and looks around even though none of our neighbors are in sight. “No way.”
“There are three of us. Strength in numbers. We’ll be fine.”
Mom moves around Jeremy and whispers, “You are a target. Assume every Hunter is looking for you.”
“So am I supposed to stop living until this war ends? Because there’s no end in sight. I might as well be dead if you’re going to lock me up in this house.”
She takes a step back.
“I’ll take the car and we won’t get out of it if it makes you feel better.”
Jeremy shakes his head because I’m sure he doesn’t want to be cooped up in a car with Logan and me while we try to make sense of what this is between us. “Do I have to go? They’ll be okay in a car, right?”
“Take the car, and go to Monique’s. Got it? Not the falls. That’s my final offer.”
Knowing it’s the best I’m going to get, I motion to my Mazda 3 parked in the driveway. Logan steps aside and lets me go first.
“Logan,” Mom says, “watch out for her.”
I expected a threat of some nature. Maybe she does understand why I want to test this imprint. Maybe she’s hoping it works out for me because it didn’t work out for her.
I get into the driver’s seat and grab the spare key behind the visor. Logan hops in the passenger seat and clicks his seat belt without even glancing in my direction. My heart skips a beat and I wonder if I’m going for my last car ride ever with him.
“So, you came back.”
It takes all my might not to slam my head against the headrest at how stupid my comment is.
“Yeah.”
I back out of the driveway and pull onto the road. “How long are you
staying?”
“I’m not really sure yet.”
I drive the rest of the way to Monique’s without saying another word. I pull into a spot out front and cut the engine. Knowing the second we get out of the car Monique will watch us like a hawk, I try one more time to get something out of Logan.
“Why did you stop by?”
“Why did you call me yesterday?” he counters and finally looks at me. “You pushed me away, and then you call me and tell me you miss me and want me to come back. What am I supposed to make of that?”
“I don’t know.” I lower my head at my cowardice. Why can’t I just tell him the truth?
He leans his head back against the seat. “So it was just more games?”
“Games? I’m not playing games with you, Logan. My life is a complete mess. I have no memories, but I wake up in the arms of this amazing guy who tells me he’s in love with me. I look at you and I want to remember. You don’t know how badly I want to. When you kissed me…” I swallow the fear that’s threatening to close my throat. “I hoped every single memory of you would come flooding back. I hoped I’d be able to tell you I remembered you and I loved you. That didn’t happen.”
“I know. You don’t have to remind me. It’s why I left.”
He still won’t look at me, so I take his hand in mine.
“Logan, I did feel something when I kissed you, and I feel it every time I’m around you. I think you were right. Some part of me remembers you, even if those memories are buried deep inside me right now. I feel more like me when I’m with you. I know I’m supposed to be with you.”
He opens his eyes and meets my gaze. “What are you saying, Cara?”
“I want you in my life.”
“We’ve been through this. It’s too hard to be around you and pretend we’re nothing more than friends.”
I nod and lower my head again. “I know. I have a feeling we were never just friends. Were we?”
“No.”
“And I don’t think we can be friends now.”
“Did you want me to come back so you could say that to my face? Because I’m pretty sure we’ve already had this conversation and it’s pretty shitty to make me go through it again.” His face is red with anger and hurt.
I have to make this right. I have to do something to show him how much I want him to stay here with me. He reaches for the door handle, but I grab his face and turn it toward me. I meet his eyes as I press my lips to his. He doesn’t move, doesn’t kiss me back. I don’t know if he’s stunned or if he truly doesn’t want to kiss me.
I pull away. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Why did you do it?”
“Because I don’t know how to tell you how I feel. I don’t know how to make you understand what you mean to me because I’m not even sure
I
understand it. I’m so confused. I know we can’t go back to being what we were before I was reborn, but—” I reach for my hair and tug at the ends, “—I want to give us a chance. I want to try to see what there still is between us. Does that make any sense?”
“Are you saying you want to date me?” The corner of his mouth curves up, and I’m not sure if he’s happy at the idea or making fun of me.
“I…”
“I’m going to need to hear you say it, Cara, because I’m not jumping into anything without knowing it’s what you want.”
“That’s just it. I can’t jump into anything. If we do this, it would be like starting over. It has to be. I’m not sure if my memory will come back and—”
“Not sure? I thought you were convinced it wouldn’t.”
I fidget with my hands in my lap. “I don’t know anymore, but I do know that being with you feels right, familiar. If there’s a chance I’ll remember, then I’m willing to take it. If you are.”
“Okay.”
“Okay, you understand or okay, you’re good with this?”
He reaches for my hand and laces his fingers through mine. “Are you okay with this? Is it slow enough for you?”
I close my eyes and breathe deeply to keep my emotions from sending my Phoenix powers out of control. “Yes.”
“Then, I guess we take it from here.” He smiles and motions to the café in front of us. “Now, are you ready to face a very confused Phoenix who’s been watching us since we pulled up?”
Monique is eyeing us instead of paying attention to the coffee she’s pouring and it spills over the top of the cup and onto the table. She says something to her customer and heads back into the kitchen.
“Let’s go.”
We get out of the car, and Logan walks around to meet me. His arm moves like he’s going to reach for my hand. Then he stops and motions for me to lead the way. I can tell he doesn’t want to push me, and I’m thankful for that. We have to let things happen in their own time, or I may jeopardize remembering anything.
We sit down at my usual table and I turn over my teacup while we wait for Monique. She comes back out, already holding the pot.
“I thought I was going to have to come get you two out of that car with the Jaws of Life.” She eyes me, and the look on her face is a perfect impression of Mom’s disapproval.
“Logan just got back in town. Mom suggested we talk here,” I say so she knows I have Mom’s permission and doesn’t call her the second she walks away from us.
“Nice to see you, Monique,” Logan says. He sounds so formal, and I can’t help thinking it doesn’t fit his personality.
“Logan.” She pours my tea, and Logan turns over his cup too. She pours his and then steps back to stare at us.
“We’ll take two of whatever your special of the day is,” Logan says.
“Well, breakfast is over and lunch hasn’t really begun, so I guess you’re getting a leftover creation.”
There are no set times for meals around here, so I know she’s just giving us a hard time.
She looks back and forth between us. “I’ll be right back.”
“Monique is suddenly as unhappy about me being around you as your mom always is.”
I shrug. “I think they’re just as confused about us as we are.”
“I’m not confused.”
“How can you say that?” I drop my voice to a whisper so the people at the other tables can’t overhear. “You know what the future looks like for us.”
“Do you want my honest answer?” he asks, sitting up straighter in his seat.
“Of course.”
“We’re seventeen.”
“Uh-huh.”
“What seventeen-year-old thinks about where they’ll be thirty years from now?”
Most seventeen-year-olds don’t get to be reborn and live multiple lives, so I’m not sure it’s a fair question. “So you don’t care about your future?”
“I do, but I don’t want to live in the future.” He leans across the table. “Look, I get that we have a lot going against us, but I don’t want to end up like my mom.”
“What do you mean?”
“She sacrificed everything for my dad. Did everything he wanted her to. If she’d had her way, she would’ve raised me in a town like this one.” He looks around at the other people in the café and smiles, but it’s a sad one. “She wouldn’t have worked insane hours either. I bet she would’ve even taken time off so she could be home with me more.”
“What you’re doing, isn’t it exactly like what she did with your dad? I mean, you’re altering your life to fit mine.”
He shakes his head. “No, I’m not. I’m doing what I want to do, and that’s be with you. I understand why you might want to push me away and I get why you might want me around. I know this isn’t an easy decision for you to make.”
“I already made it.”
“I know, but what I’m saying is that I’m not going to let anyone else tell me how to live my life. If you don’t want me around you, I’ll respect that, but you’re giving me a chance right now, and I don’t plan to blow it. Because this is what I want, Cara.” He reaches for my hand, which is holding my teacup. I freeze, knowing Monique will be back any second with our order. Still, I don’t pull away.
“Our tea is getting cold,” I say, wanting to change the subject before Monique returns.
Logan takes his hand away, and I use my body heat to warm up my tea. Then I reach for his and do the same. He laughs, and I cock my head at him.
“I tried to drink tea the way you do once and it didn’t end well,” he says.
“What do you mean?”
“I spit most of it back into the cup, and the rest dribbled down my chin.”
I laugh, imagining it. “What else did you do to try to impress me?” I lean forward, resting my elbows on the table.
“Let’s see, I stripped down to my boxers to swim with you, but I forgot I was wearing my underwear with the little yellow ducks on them. It wasn’t exactly my finest moment.”
I burst out laughing, which makes Logan smile.
“You have a great laugh, and it’s so good to hear it again.”
Before I can respond, Monique returns with our food. “Here you go. Omelets with just about everything in them.”
“They smell great,” Logan says.
“Thanks, Monique.” I pick up my fork, ready to dig in.
She sits down, a grave expression washing over her face. “Look, you two, I know what you’re trying to do, and while I have some concerns, we have bigger problems right now. Linette isn’t doing well, and if we don’t act soon, the rest of us will end up like her, or worse. I need you to try to piece together what happened that night at the school.” She levels me with a look. “I’m so sorry, Cara, but it looks like our future is resting in your hands.”