"Never... never..." I managed to get out. Then the pain ebbed, just like that, and I sagged to the floor, on my hands and knees, trying to prop myself up and stop the room from spinning wildly around me.
"And never forget who I am... what you are..."
"Never," I said again.
As if he had forgotten that I was there, he looked back out in the direction of Vir and Senna. "Cotto has been made a tool of the techno-mages. Are you aware of that?"
I shook my head, which was a mistake, because it made the room spin utterly out of control. My left elbow gave way and I crashed to the floor. Shiv'kala did not appear to notice.
"At least he has been in the past. Perhaps they were utilizing him again that day he was wandering the palace and almost came upon me. Well, Londo... what one group can turn to their advantage... another can, as well. And this we shall do... when the time is right."
"Don't hurt him," I gasped out from the floor. "He... is harmless."
"Hurt the next emperor?" He seemed astonished at the thought. "Unthinkable. He is our insurance, Londo. In case you become too troublesome, or decline to remain malleable... you can be disposed of, and Vir instituted in your place. And I strongly suspect that he will be far more compliant than you have ever been."
"I have... complied..."
"On most things, yes. On some, you have not. There should be no exceptions. It is not for you to pick and choose. It is for you to obey."
"Obey... yes... I will..."
"See that you do," he said, and I could feel the temperature dropping significantly. "Otherwise Vir will step in where you leave off. If you do not desire such a happenstance... then do nothing to bring it about."
"I shall do nothing." The pain was beginning to subside, but the lack of control, the sense of humiliation... these were wounds that stabbed far more deeply, and would never depart.
I waited for the response – some retort, some threat, some... thing. But there was nothing. I looked up. He was gone.
I rose on unsteady legs and, as I leaned against the wall, I realized somewhat belatedly that I should have asked him if he knew the circumstances of how Mariel had come to be injured. For a moment, a demented moment, I thought that maybe Durla had done that to her. But then I realized that such a thing could not possibly be. He adored her. He doted on her. Amusingly, there were many who believed that she was the true strength behind the prime minister. I, of course, knew that it was the Drakh. But that was information that I had no choice but to keep to myself.
I have read back on what I have just written. My eyes are tired, and I feel myself growing fatigued. Vir and Senna came back later in the evening, and there seemed to be something in their eyes when they looked to each other... but they also appeared distracted, as if they had seen something that was bothersome to them.
... but I am an old man, and prone to imagining things.
What I have not imagined, however, is the concern expressed by the heads of the Houses. I do not care especially about their personal worries. Whatever ill fortunes befall them, they have more than brought upon themselves.
My memory of late continues to fade in and out, but occasionally I have times of starkly lucid clarity. And the extensive discussion of great vessels, fleets... these things, however, have caught my attention. Perhaps, despite whatever my "master" may desire, I shall see precisely what is going on, in detail. I likely cannot stop it; I am a mere snowflake, dressed appropriately for that status. However, I can at least provide a bit of slush, and see if Durla slips on it.
C
HAPTER 6
Senna had never seen Vir looking so shaken. He kept glancing over his shoulder as they retreated from the area of the palace. "Vir, calm down ... you're moving so quickly, I can barely keep up ..."
"I feel like we're being watched." They were the first words he'd spoken since she'd found him on the ground in the garden, and they were said with such intensity that she didn't even try to argue. Instead she simply quieted herself and followed him until they seemed to be far enough from the palace that he was satisfied.
She looked around at the hill where they had come to a halt, overlooking the city, and unbidden, tears began to well in her eyes. Vir, turning toward her, saw them and instantly became contrite. "I'm sorry," he stammered, charmingly vulnerable in his discomfort. "I shouldn't have been so abrupt with–"
"Oh, it's not you." She sighed. Even though she was wearing one of her more formal dresses, she nevertheless sank to the ground with another heavy sigh. "This place used to be ... well... a teacher of mine and I used to come here."
"I had lots of teachers," Vir said ruefully. "I don't especially feel nostalgic for any of them. They had very little good to say about me. Do you ever see your old teacher?"
She looked heavenward at the clouds that wafted across the darkening sky. They were tinged bloodred, which was symbolic somehow. "Every now and again. Up there."
"He's a pilot?" Vir asked, totally lost.
She smiled sadly and shook her head. "No, Vir. He's dead. Long dead."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"So am I." She looked Vir up and down appraisingly. "He would have liked you, I think. Because you're doing something about... about all of this."
"You mentioned that before. I'm not entirely sure what you're talking ab–"
Her gaze danced with amusement. "Don't try to lie to me, Vir. You're not very good at it."
With a heavy sigh he sat next to her. "Actually ... I've not only gotten very good at it, I've gotten very very good at it. Which, on some level, kind of depresses me." He looked at her thoughtfully. "But not with you. You see right through me."
"As does the emperor, I suspect," she told him, and when Vir blanched visibly, she went on. "I don't know for sure. We've never actually spoken of it in so many words. I don't think he'd dare, for some reason."
"I can take a guess at the reason," Vir said darkly.
She wondered what he meant by that, but decided not to press the matter.
He seemed aware that he had said something better off not pursued, so he shifted gears. "I ... did have some suspicions. All those times you would contact me, send me those chatty messages about something or other that Londo had said... and invariably, it was information that was helpful to me in my ... endeavors. The thing is, I didn't know whether you were acting as Londo's mouthpiece, oblivious to what was going on, or whether you truly comprehended how the information you were passing along was being used."
"I see." The edges of her mouth twitched. "So you're saying you couldn't decide whether or not I was a blind fool."
"No! I... I wasn't saying that at all!"
She laughed quite openly this time. "Don't worry about it, Vir. You have a lot on your mind, I'm sure." At that he just stared at her, and began smiling. "What?" she prompted.
"I just..." He shook his head wonderingly. "You have a really lovely laugh. I never noticed that before about you." He seemed to shake off the digression and instead settled back down to business. "So all those messages you sent... they were actually at Londo's behest, because you felt you were aiding in the resistance movement."
"Partly."
"Partly?"
"Well..." She shrugged. "The truth is ... I admire someone like you."
"You do?" He was genuinely curious. "Who is he?"
It took her a moment to understand his question, and then she laughed even more loudly. "You're so literal, Vir. Not really someone 'like' you. You. I liked communicating with you. I liked reminding you that I was around. Because what you do is so admirable.
"There are those who have a vision for this world that will lead us down a fiery path to total destruction. They pursue that path out of self-aggrandizement and ego and obsession with power. You, and others, try to stop them out of a pure sense of altruism. You care so much about helping others that you would risk your lives in order to do it."
"Not just risk lives," Vir said, glancing off toward the palace. From this distance, in the growing darkness, it was no longer possible to see the head that had been placed atop a pole.
She understood. "He was one of yours, then."
Vir nodded. "We have ... all of us ... certain 'safeguards'. A techno-mage aided us in conditioning our minds to resist truth drugs and such. But nothing is fail-safe. When I heard that Lanas had been taken, I immediately arranged a visit here, in hopes of being able to do something..."
"That was foolish."
He looked at her in surprise. "That... seems a bit harsh..."
"Yes. It is. It's also reasonable. Showing up here, timed with the capture of one of your people ... you're drawing undue attention to yourself. You haven't fooled me, Vir; you've 'created' a persona for yourself, of a tongue-tied, fumbling humbler – to convince others that you present no threat. You've done a superb job of acting."
"It's been less acting than you would think," Vir mused ruefully.
"Whatever the case ... the masquerade has garnered you a certain amount of latitude. Despite the timing of your arrival, many will be willing to write it off as coincidence. You wouldn't exactly be the person they consider most likely to oversee an attempt to halt our world's military buildup.
"But all you need is for one person – the wrong person – to make the connection, and the next thing you know, you're the one whose resistance to truth drugs is being tested." She frowned. "You have to think of more than just yourself, Vir. People are counting on you. All of them," and with one sweeping gesture she took in the entirety of the city, "are counting on you, even though they don't know it. The emperor, though he can't say it, is counting on you." She hesitated a moment, and then added, "And I'm counting on you."
Vir looked at her wonderingly. He had seen her on any number of occasions, they had spent time together... but it was as if he was truly seeing her for the first time. "I... won't let you down," he said, and his voice was hoarse.
Senna had used her attractiveness, her vivaciousness, all as ploys to get people to talk to her. She had been particularly successful with the Prime Candidates, who vied for her attention because she was perceived as a potentially valuable acquisition. Indeed, the late and unlamented Throk had gone so far as to push for a marriage, a move that had been blocked by the emperor and was eventually rendered moot by...
"You were the one," she said suddenly. "The one who blew up the Prime Candidates' safe house. The one who killed Throk."
He looked away. The move spoke volumes.
She said nothing more for a time, and then she reached over and rested a hand atop his. "It must have been very difficult for you, Vir."
"It wasn't me," he said tonelessly. "It was someone... I don't know."
"But I thought..."
"We're in a war, Senna. We all become people we don't know ... and wouldn't want to know ... and in times of peace, people we would very much like to forget. I want to forget the person who killed him... very much."
She nodded, understanding, and then his hand twisted around and squeezed hers firmly. She interlaced her fingers with his, and she felt the strength in them, but also a faint trembling.
Senna had no idea what prompted her to do it, but she leaned over, took his face in her hands, and kissed him. She had never before kissed anyone sincerely. Reflexively he tried to pull back, but then he settled into it, enjoying the moment, kissing her back hungrily. There was nothing sexual in the contact; the need was far deeper than that. When they parted, he looked at her in amazement. "I... shouldn't have done that..." he began to apologize.
"In case you didn't notice, Vir, I did it," she said softly. She even felt slightly embarrassed, although she knew she shouldn't. "At the very least, I initiated it."
"But I'm... I'm old enough to be your... your..."
"Lover?" She was startled at her own brazenness. She couldn't believe she'd said it. At the same time, she was glad she had.
He looked at her for a long moment, and this time he was the one who initiated it. Her lips, her body, melted against his. When they parted, he took her chin in one hand and studied her with both tenderness and sadness.
"Another time, perhaps," he said. "Another life. I can't obligate someone else to me when I'm traveling down a road so dark, I can't even guess at the end."
"I could walk down that road at your side."
"You need to keep your distance. Because the road tends to branch off... and if I walk out on one of those branches, and the branch gets cut off behind me... I can't take you down with me. I couldn't live with that knowledge... for whatever brief period of time I was allowed to live, that is."
It was difficult for her to hear, but she knew he was right. Or, at the very least, she knew that what he was saying was right for him, and that nothing she could say or do would dissuade him.
"Are you sure Londo knows? About me, I mean," Vir suddenly said, switching gears. "And he's told no one?"
"If he had told someone ... anyone ... do you think you would still be at liberty?" she asked reasonably.
"Probably not. I'd likely be up there with poor Rem. How many more, Senna? How many more good and brave men are going to die before this business is over?"
"There's only so much you can do, Vir. You must do your best, whatever that may be, and pray to the Great Maker for strength in dealing with the rest."
"I just wish I knew," Vir said grimly, "whose side the Great Maker is on. Durla and his allies believe just as fervently as I do that they are acting in the best interests of Centauri Prime. We can't both be right."
"Perhaps," she said thoughtfully, leaning back, "you both are."
He looked at her in surprise. "How can we both be?"
She seemed surprised that he had to ask. "Isn't it obvious?"
"Not immediately, no."
"You have a destiny, Vir. I can tell just by looking at you."
"All creatures have a destiny," Vir said dismissively.