Out Through the in Door

THE TEST

             
The latest issue of
Archeological Times
held little interest for Mika. If it had been
House Beautiful
or
Martha Stewart Living
it would have stood a better chance. In all the years he'd come to Dr. Brennan's office, there was never much of a  reading selection. The torn off corner or redacted address label  was the only clue that they were recycled from someone's home to the office. It was bad enough having to wait. Having to read dry, out-of-date magazines only made it worse.
             
The waiting room was uninteresting – spartan. Beige wallpaper, generic furniture, and too much light for such a small space. It felt more like a holding cell. The glass partition separating the receptionist completed the look.
             
Mika was in for a follow-up visit and his test results. He felt eyes on him but the only other person in the room was fiddling with his cell phone. Despite this fact, the feelings of being watched gripped him. He looked at the clock. The wait was unbearable.
             
When he got sick he had to leave his job and go out on disability. He was collecting unemployment but at a fraction of his pay. Eli, his partner, had taken a part time-job in addition to his full-time one to compensate. The bills were getting
paid, but they were barely getting by. 
             
Mika's convalescence was slow. As he recovered he began to feel trapped. Eli was militant about frivolous spending. No  more exotic vacations, fancy dinners out or expensive shopping sprees. The payment on the Mercedes was almost as much as the mortgage. Eli's suggestion that they turn it in almost gave Mika a heart attack – just the thought of driving a lesser car.
             
Going from having whatever he wanted to living within a budget was a tough adjustment for Mika. What bothered him more was that Eli didn't seem to care. He seemed content with less and Mika was, for the most part, dependent upon his partner for survival. 
             
The receptionist called Mika to the window and handed him some paperwork. He sat back down and started filling it out. He was frustrated trying to remember dates, doctors' names and medications. He had already seen two specialists in the last month because his recovery was taking far longer than normal.
             
Despite all the testing, none of the doctors could tell him why. Further tests were ordered. Waiting two weeks had been difficult enough but now that he was here he wished he was any place else.
             
Dr. Brennan finally appeared at the door and called him in. She was an  attractive older woman. Short, light brown hair framed her face and the small round glasses emphasized her rounded face. She wore no makeup which along with the white smock drew attention to her plain nature.
             
Her office was as bland as the lobby with the exception of a colorful painting on the wall behind her desk. Her desk  was a mess – covered in
magazines, files and paper. She rummaged through the disorder as she talked.
             
When she found Mika's file, she scanned the pages. “I received the test results. We were looking for anything that would explain why your recovery has been so delayed. Turns out your immune system has been compromised.”
             
Mika's pounding heart filled his ears.  
             
“You're positive for HIV,” she went on.
             
The doctor's words fell away. For a moment Mika was removed from reality.
             
“Mika? Mika?” The doctor touched his shoulder. “Are you all right?”
             
He looked at her blankly. Behind his eyes the emotions threatened to erupt. Sadness, fear, regret all churned underneath, but he held them back. “But how?”
             
“From unprotected sex, blood transfusions or sharing a needle. I cannot say. Do you have any idea?”
             
Mika shrugged his shoulders
             
“Has Eli ever been tested?” The doctor asked.
             
“I don't know.” Mika looked at his hands and rubbed his fingers. “What do I do?”
             
“You take it one day at a time.” She poured him a glass of water. “We'll discuss treatment options. A lot of advances have been made in treating HIV.” Dr. Brennan pulled a card from her coat pocket and handed it to him. “If you need someone to talk to about this, Dr. Olat is a counselor.”
             
Mika took the card and stuffed it in his pocket.
             
She walked back to her chair and sat. For a moment she paused. “I would not normally pry into your personal life, but  I assume you and Eli are
monogamous. If you aren't you should inform anyone with which you have had sexual relations in the last three to six months to get tested as a precaution.”
             
“But I could have gotten this from anybody.”
             
“It would have been within the last few months.”
             
“I don't understand.”
             
“You had a test last year and it came back negative. Based on these results you are in the initial stages of the infection. Typically HIV shows up in a test within three months of contracting it although it can in some cases take up to six months to show up.”
             
“But I feel fine.”
             
“You can have HIV for months, even years without so much as a symptom. The test just confirms the presence of the virus in your system. It is also what's hampering your recovery.”
             
“Why?”
             
“Your immune system is already working hard fighting the shingles With the presence of the HIV is has to work that much harder. Now that we know, I can prescribe some stronger more effective medications.”
             
Mika sipped the water. His eyes darted around the room. He felt shame and embarrassment and needed to be anyplace else. He wanted to scream.
             
“I know this is a lot to absorb,” Dr. Brennan added. “But having HIV is no reason to think you can't live a normal health life. It just requires being proactive and diligent about your health. Do you have any questions?”
             
Mika shook his head.
             
“Is there someone that can pick you up? I don't think you should drive or
be alone right now.” She asked.
             
“Eli is waiting in the car.” Mika stood and shook her hand. He avoided eye contact as he tried to hid his lie. 
             
“Are you sure you're okay?”
             
Mika forced a smile. “I'll be fine.”
             
“I'll have Susan call you to schedule an appointment to discuss the next steps.”
             
“Thank you.” Mika opened the door.
             
“Mika.,” Dr. Brennan offered. “Eli should also get tested.”
             
Mika nodded in acknowledgment as he left.
             
He sat in his car so lost in thought, he failed to notice the lengthening cigarette ash that threatened to burn him. He looked in the mirror. His eyes were red and his faced looked drawn. He saw a wrinkle and, in that moment, realized  his youth was passing and he may not see middle age. At thirty-five, his future was an uncertainty. Round and round the thoughts and emotions whirled.
             
Next month, would be eight years with Eli. Now, Mika wasn't sure if they would make it until then. He loved Eli or he thought he did. Was that love strong enough to handle this?
             
Panic overtook him.
What will I do? What will Eli do when he finds out? Be angry? Leave me?
With all that had happened in the last few months: the illness, financial stress, the growing distance between them, and now this – everything Mika had worked so hard for was slowly slipping away.

             
What have I done to deserve this?
Why me?  What about Eli?  Could he have done this to me? Betrayed me? Everything has changed.
All at once his panic
turned to anger. He saw Eli through suspicious eyes. The doctor suggested Eli be tested. If Eli
had
done this to him it would be the proof he needed. He would tell him the doctor suggested it as a precaution, but for now Mika would keep the news of his HIV a secret.

#

Mika rummaged through the boxes. The attic needed straightening up and he needed something to occupy his time. The boxes held photographs, cards,  knickknacks – all manner of things they'd collected through the years. Each one held fond memories. Now, all he seemed to have was just that – boxes full of memories.
             
Eli had left early for his full-time job. And he wouldn't be home till after ten that evening from his part-time job. That was, after all, the new routine. Mika remembered when Eli was always happy, easy going and seldom complained. Now all Mika could recall was worry in his eyes, fatigue in his voice and an emptiness in his presence. It was as if Eli stopped caring.
             
Life had become nothing more than the slow passage of time with no distinction from one day to the next. It was more important to have money in the bank than time together.
             
A kiss from behind surprised Mika. Eli was standing behind him. Mika  pulled back with a disgusted look on his face.
             
“What's up with that?” Eli asked.
             
“You scared me,” Mika replied. “What are you doing home?”.
             
“I left early and took a vacation day. I thought we could spend some time together.”
             
Eli was such a creature of habit that this deviation was strange and suspicious. “I need to finish this,” Mika snapped.” His tone was harsh – dismissive. He turned back to the boxes and continued sorting.
             
Eli turned and with, a defeated expression, walked back down the stairs. 
             
A few minutes later, Mika heard him in the backyard. From the attic window he watched him playing with the dog. Spring had finally warmed the air enough to be outside. The grass was turning green and the garden was showing signs of life with crocus and daffodil shoots breaking through the soil.
             
Mika loved gardening and while Eli wasn't as passionate about it he never complained and always said he just liked spending time together – it didn't matter what they were doing. Mika could just look into his eyes and see the love. Now he was unsure of what he saw.
             
As days passed, they barely spoke or saw one another. Eli came home one night to find a pillow and blanket on the floor in front of the bedroom door, which was locked. The next morning Mika was surprised to find Eli sitting in the den drinking a cup of coffee and watching the news.
             
“Another day off?” Mika asked.
             
“Nope,” Eli responded.
             
For several minutes Mika stayed in the kitchen.
What was he up to now?
He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the table thumbing through a magazine. From his vantage point he could see Eli. “Why are you still home?”
             
“Last time I looked I still lived here.”
             
Eli's answers were abrupt and his tone cold. Everything about him was off and it was disconcerting to Mika. “What's going on?
             
“I don't know.” Eli responded. “Why don't you tell me. Then we'll both know.”
             
Mika threw the magazine down and folded his arms. “What?”
             
“For weeks you've been on edge, “Eli said. “No matter what I do its like you're ready to snap.”
             
“Is that why you've been avoiding me?”
             
“Avoiding you?” Eli repeated. “All I do is work. And when I try to spend time with you, you push me away. Now I have to sleep on the couch?”
             
“Don't put this on me.”
             
“Than who should I put it on, Mika? Since you've gotten sick you've changed. I'm tired of walking on eggshells and glass around you.”
             
“You would rather work than be here.”
             
“Lately, yes. You bitch because we never have enough money, you bitch because I work too much. You bitch – ”
             
Eli's words weren't registering anymore. It sounded like his yet it wasn't. Mika could not get past his tone. It was unfamiliar. It only solidified his belief  that something was going on. “I'm tired Eli. You're not the one that's sick and goes to the doctor week after week only to be told they don't know what's wrong?” Mika got up went into the kitchen.” Eli followed.
             
“Did you even go to the doctor?” Mika asked.
             
“Last week when you told me”. Eli fumbled with something in his pocket. “You know I love you and would do whatever it takes to make sure we're okay.”
             
“My savior,” Mika snarled. He raised his hand in the air. “So noble.”
             
“What the hell are you talking about?”
             
“All this time I thought I knew you.” Mika pointed his finger at Eli. “I should have seen this.”
             
Eli looked at him with a confused expression.
             
“You're going to play stupid?” Mika said. “How long have you been fucking around behind my back? “
             
“I've never...”
             
“Liar. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this predicament.”
             
“Mika, you're not making any sense.” 
             
“I have HIV. How do you suppose that happened?” As the accusations flew Eli offered no defense. He stood silently holding back his anger and tears..
             
When Mika's fury was spent, Eli walked to the hall closet and returned carrying a plain brown bag, He pulled out a box and tossed it on the table. “Care to explain where these came from? I know they're not mine. And we've never used them.”
             
Mika was dumbfounded.
             
“You should have read the label more carefully.” Eli said. “Sheep skin condoms offer no protection from STDs or HIV.”
             
“Of all the nerve.” Mika pushed the box away. “That proves nothing.”
             
“You're right, it doesn't.” Eli pulled an envelope from his pocket and put it on the table. “Got this from the doctor yesterday. My HIV test came back negative.”
             
Mika felt the color drain from his face. He had been right about one thing – something had changed and in that moment he saw it with all too much clarity.