OVERTIME (36 page)

“Have you? Have you found the right Dom? The man that can give you the courage to leave the past in the past and focus on the future?”
Have you been able to find your Colton, Jagger wondered?

“Not yet,” Landry answered sadly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m having a hell of a time looking and I really enjoy the BDSM—
all of it
. I just haven’t reached subspace yet. I’ve come close, but haven’t been able to get there.” He laughed again. “Rory thinks it’s because I’m not in
love
with the Dom. I think he’s full of bullshit. Subspace doesn’t have a damn thing to do with being in love.”

“Maybe it does for you,” Jagger suggested. He didn’t have a clue about a BDSM lifestyle and was pretty sure he didn’t know for sure what subspace was. He did know, however, that Landry needed love. He craved it. So many emotions swirled around in his pretty brown eyes.
Fear. Laughter. Terror. Depression. Victory. And, of course,
love
. Landry wore it on his sleeve.

“Maybe I just haven’t had the right cock wielding the whip!” Landry countered smugly a he made a whip gesture with his hand.

It was Jagger’s turn to laugh. It was a nervous laugh accompanied by a blush. As some of the images from Landry’s business plan danced around in his head, dirty thoughts and a hard cock definitely followed quickly behind. He didn’t, no
couldn’t
, begin to understand why someone like him or Landry might find the idea of being spanked or disciplined at all appealing…but obviously they both weren’t turned off by the idea.

“I’ll take your word for it,” was the only answer he could manage to spit out.

“You do that,” Landry answered, his eyes twinkling with humor. “So? What do you do? Come on,” Landry urged. “I shared. You can too…if you want to,” he added quickly. “Don’t let me push, okay. We’ll talk but only when you’re ready.”

“Cut,” Jagger answered softly. Shit, he couldn’t believe he’d admitted it, spoken it out loud to another person. He cut himself. There. Boom. He said it. It hadn’t been as hard as I’d thought it would be.

He felt sick. Yeah, he was sick. He would take it back if he could. Landry would never look at him the same again. Hell, he would probably tell Colton. He didn’t want Colton to know. Not yet, at least. Please not yet. Maybe never. Probably never. He was settling on
never
.

“Cut yourself?” Landry said in a matter of fact tone. “That makes sense, I guess. You’re bottled up tighter than a tick but you have to let it out somehow or you’ll explode. You’re not into touching and I’m pretty sure you aren’t really into talking much, either.” He waved at Tobias as the guy launched himself off the diving board, soaking both of them. “I can see how you arrived at cutting. How long has it been? You still active?”

Wow. No judgement. No looks of disgust. Nothing negative. Landry clearly wasn’t shocked. “Eighteen months since my last cut.” He snorted in disgust. “However it’s been tough to not grab up the razor and slice away since Colton burst back onto the scene. He pushes all my buttons, makes me want to hide but makes me want to come out and play even more. Since I can’t follow my normal mode of dealing with things—running away, I’m finding myself really wanting to cut. I need the control and I feel like when Colton’s around, I’m losing all control.”
He looked at Landry, a worried expression on his face. “I don’t know if I can do that, Landry. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to give up that control. I’ve had it for so long…or at least thought I had it. What if I can’t? What if I’m not even capable of loving another human being?”

Landry’s eyes flew to his. “Don’t go there, Jag. You are capable. Hell, you’re almost there right now. The other guys probably don’t notice it, but I, being the expert of childhood trauma,” he joked, “can see it as plain as I can see that Rory and Riley are going to end up falling madly in love—once they decide who is going to be the bottom. You’ve already made huge strides, Jag. You’re going to get there and Colton is going to hold your hand the entire time because the dude is madly in love with you. He always has been and it looks like he always will be. You’re
gonna
take some steps forward and then you’re going to tumble backward again—just like me. It is how we are, but we are going to get there! Fuck that, Jag, we are capable and love and we
deserve
love in return.” He edged his hand closer but still didn’t touch. “You realize that’s the biggest problem, don’t you, Jag? You think you don’t deserve Colton’s love. I struggle everyday with the same fact. Most mornings I have to look in the mirror and give myself a pep talk, remind myself that I do deserve someone good in my life—that I’m not used up and dirty. You deserve it and so do I,” he finished firmly and then grinned great big. “But now I think you’re ready for the next step in your healing. Ready?”

Jagger felt worried immediately. Next step? What the fuck? “Eh…what do you mean? I think this chat has been a huge step for me. I think I’m ready to try that get under the covers and suck my thumb thing you referred to earlier.” He was scared. Terrified. He knew Landry wouldn’t force him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with, but, hell, he pretty much wasn’t comfortable with
anything
.

“Nope. Here’s the deal, I think we’ve both done really well today. I’d like to have chats like this as many days as we can squeeze them in. Talking to you makes my soul feel lighter.”

“Yeah, me too. Can’t we just leave it at that?” Jagger suggested, knowing Landry was going to shoot him down.

“No. You’re going to reach your hand over, slowly as to not startle either of us crazy boys, and you’re going to hold my hand for one whole minute. As a friend,” he quickly added. “Don’t think I’m hitting on you, okay? It’s just…it’s just that this entire time, my body has been screaming at me to reach over and grab you, touch you all over, and show you my worth my using sex. It’s what I do. It’s my weakness and it’s the thing I work very hard to overcome. So,
I think if I’ve been such a good boy and not even touched you one time, you can do the same—face your fears. Hold my hand.” He held his wrist up in front of his face. “I’ll time you. Absolutely no longer than one minute. Go!”

Jagger sat there.

“Okay, on the count of three, you go. One. Two. Three.”

Jagger held his hand. He didn’t cringe. He didn’t feel sick. He didn’t want to run and hide. He felt like a fool…but in a good way. He made it an entire seventy two seconds. Maybe some might not think it was an accomplishment, but Jagger and Landry knew how significant it was.

****

Colton watched the exchange between Landry and Jagger from his spot across the pool and was right on the edge of damned-near crying when someone slapped him on the shoulder, none to softly, and jerked him away from the beautiful scene in front of him. Riley. It figured.

“Jeez, Colton, you don’t have to watch him 24/7. It’s not like you have anything to worry about with Landry, do you? Surely sweet Landry doesn’t make you jealous,” he mocked.

Colton gritted his teeth and gave himself a quick and efficient mental lecture about how much Jagger liked Riley so he needed to make every effort to be nice. “Nah, nothing to worry about with Landry,” he answered in a low voice as he turned to face Riley. “I don’t think I have to worry about anybody at all, to be honest,” he added. That might disappoint Jagger, but probably wouldn’t make him really mad, so he added an arrogant smirk for good measure. He was walking a fine line here – keep Jagger happy and irritating Riley. Riley was a good looking guy with a super sexy voice that seemed to cast a spell on everyone except him. Colton wished to hell he could like the guy, but as long as Riley was against his relationship with Jagger, it would be a struggle to maintain any forms of friendly gestures.

Riley returned his smirk for several long seconds before his face softened with a smile. “You’re really good for him, Colton,” he admitted. “Really good.”

A huge smile split Colton’s face. “You think so?” Okay, maybe he could like Riley after all. He glanced back over in Jagger and Landry’s direction. Jagger had a small smile on his face as he listened to whatever Landry was sharing with him. Jagger with any kind of smile was
beautiful enough to take his breath away. His heart had longed for this beautiful man for what seemed like his entire life and now that he had him, he would never let him go.

Riley scratched his chin and then winked at Colton. “I hate to admit it, but, yeah, you are obviously just what he needed. I’ve never seen him smile so much.” He laughed softly. “Hell, I’m not sure I ever really saw him smile before you came crashing back into his life.”

Colton hadn’t thought it was possible, but the smile on his face stretched even wider.

“Listen, I don’t want to piss you off and cause our truce to fall apart
again
, but I’ve got to ask you something – something that’s been bothering me.”

Colton tried to keep his eyes from narrowing but he was pretty sure he was failing miserably. “Go ahead.”

Riley took a deep breath. “First of all, I believe you are in love with Jagger, madly in love with Jagger, so don’t think I’m questioning the sincerity of your feelings.”

“Just ask it already,” Colton hissed, not really angry but worrying he was going to start heading in that direction really quickly. He supposed he was going to have to realize that irritating him was just Riley’s super-power.

“Why?”

Colton frowned. “Why, what?”

“You guys were nothing but kids, Colton. You were, what, fifteen or sixteen when you moved away? Rory says you loved him then and that love never wavered over the years.” He searched Colton’s eyes as he talked. “A part of me is terrified that you are in love with a person you’ve created in your mind based on childhood memories but then I see how you look at him…how you literally worship him with your eyes…and I know it’s love.” Without even realizing he was doing it, his eyes glanced in Rory’s direction. “How in the hell did you know he was the one?”

Colton smiled. He should have known that’s what the question would be. Rory had asked him hundreds of times. His parents had asked him time and time again, unable to believe a love so strong had formed at such a young age. Hell, he’d even asked himself the same damned question countless times.

“The hell if I know, Riley,” Colton answered without hesitation, and held up his hand when Riley started frowning. “Hold up! Don’t get mad,” he said. “I’ve asked myself that same question just about every night since we moved away and Jagger was no longer in my life. Hell,
I even tried to convince myself that it wasn’t love, just an infatuation of some kind. I tried fucking him out of my head. I tried to fall in love with every guy I took to my bed, but it didn’t take me long to realize I was wasting my time. I compared every man to the boy-child I had fallen in love with and they all came up short, so I finally quit trying.”

Riley was gnawing his lip and his eyes drifted between Colton, Jagger, and Rory. “From what I managed to dig out of Rory, Jagger wasn’t very nice to you back in the day. Maybe you like the ones that play hard to get?”

Colton snorted. “Not very nice to me? Hell, Riley, he wouldn’t even talk to me, much less pretend to be nice. I tried. Trust me, I tried. I gave him everything my sixteen year old mind and body could come up with. Nothing. He gave me nothing – wouldn’t even toss me a crumb.”

“And yet you loved him?” Riley asked.

“Don’t say it like I’m stupid or something,” he scolded. “No, I didn’t love him right away. I’m pretty sure I didn’t like him because he didn’t like me. I’m ashamed to say I might have even courted the thought that he should be lucky
I
would even want to be his friend. I was rich…and gorgeous, of course.
Everybody
wanted to be my friend.”

It was Riley’s turn to laugh. “Not everybody,” he corrected. “That sixteen year old boy sounds so much like the young Colton I would imagine you to be - arrogant, stuck-up, full of himself, and, of course, an overall jackass.”

“Who even says jackass anymore?”

“Me. I’m bringing it back,” Riley joked. “Now, get back to Jagger being mean to you. I like that part of your story.”

“I just bet you do,” Colton grumbled. “So…he hated me. I tried talking to him and he ignored me. I knew he was hearing me, but he wouldn’t even attempt to answer me and would even go out of his way to make sure I knew he was ignoring me. It was annoying at first but then I noticed that while he wouldn’t talk to me, he hung on every word I said. He watched me when he thought I wasn’t looking. I made every effort possible to let him know how I felt but he worked just as hard to hide how he felt – but that just succeeded in capturing my attention even more.”

“I’d venture a guess that you were a hard person to ignore,” Riley piped in. “You’re very irritating.”

“Thanks for your input,” Colton answered dryly. “I think he was trying so hard to make me go away and leave him alone – all the other guys did – they respected his boundaries and didn’t mess with him, but he only made me watch him more closely. It was then that I started noticing the bruises.” Colton took a deep breath. “I started to see he didn’t have the things that the rest of us took for granted.” He looked toward Jagger and seeing the smile on his face helped him continue. “The first time I followed him home, I was shocked by several things – how far he had to walk to get to the courts, that he didn’t have a jacket and it was late fall, and that he lived in a house that probably needed to be torn down. Hell, the list could go on and on but the worst of it was how I watched him pause at the bottom of the ratty stairs leading up to his door. I watched him take several deep breaths and I knew, even at my young age, that he was afraid to go in.”