Authors: Maris Black
I. Will. Not. Come.
My heart jumps when Ben rests the side of his face on her belly and stares unflinchingly at me. In that moment, I’m certain the connection I feel with him is not completely one-sided.
He drags the back of his hand across his lips to wipe away the nurse’s juices, and I jump up and toss the condom into the trash. I quickly pull on my jeans and stuff my erection in, not bothering with the underwear lying on the floor beside them.
I feel like there are bugs crawling on me I’m so agitated. My cock is aching, pushing painfully against my zipper, but the pain is the only thing that’s keeping me sane.
Ben helps Julie up onto shaky legs, holding her quietly, being all proper and gentlemanly. I don’t have anything against the woman, and I hate to be cold, but I just want her out of here now. I didn’t intend to feel this way, but I need to be alone with Ben before I lose my shit.
Julie is probably going to think I’m the biggest prick on the planet, and she’d probably be right. What the hell was I thinking dragging her between me and Ben? Granted, she was down for anything I suggested, which makes me feel a little less guilty. But that doesn’t excuse my actions.
“Jesus, I’m an asshole,” I shout out loud. “Always have been.”
I stalk off to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me, feeling claustrophobic in the tiny space. Ben is tending to Julie, and forever couldn’t even take so long. I try to think of any excuse to get rid of her without hurting her feelings too badly or pissing Ben off. What if he hates me now? What if the girl talks at work and makes things difficult? The twisted logic that I’d used earlier to justify seducing her has abandoned me now, and I wonder how I ever thought this could work out.
I punch the wall. Not enough to do any damage, but the whole place seems to shake with the force of it.
No way they didn’t hear that.
I wonder what they’re doing out there. Now that some of the blood is returning to my brain, I realize I need to go back out there and face the problem I created. I have to put things right. It’s not Ben’s responsibility to clean up my mess.
When I emerge, I see the front door closing, and Ben is escorting Julie around the pool and toward the garage. She’s smiling, and Ben touches her gently on the arm. I don’t know which I feel more of, jealousy or relief. He’s smoothing things over with her. I cross my fingers that there are no professional repercussions from what I’ve done tonight.
Why do I have to screw up everything I touch?
Since I’ve been in town, I’ve broken up Ben and his girlfriend, kissed him in public, groped him when he was drunk, gotten him so upset he called the morgue looking for me, and now fucked his best nurse. I’m nothing but a human wrecking ball.
I sulk on the couch, still dressed only in jeans, fidgeting with the cross necklace Granny gave me. My dick is still semi-hard. Ben does that to me. I know I’m obsessed with him. Nothing has consumed my thoughts this much since before I got off drugs, and unfortunately I don’t think rehab would cure an addiction to Dr. Ben Hardy.
One thing’s for sure. When Ben returns to the pool house, he’s angry, and I feel ashamed that I’m the cause of it.
“What the fuck was that?” he demands, his hands shaking slightly at his sides.
I sit back on the couch and let my legs fall open slightly, not bothering to try to hide the fact that my cock is stiffening again just from his presence. Can he hear my heart beating out of my ribcage from across the room? I want to drop to my knees at his feet, wrap my arms around him, and tell him how much I fucking
need
him. Instead, I slump against the back of the sofa, stretch my arms along the top of it, and shrug. “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the present I got you?”
“She was an innocent, and you had no right to bring her into this. This is between me and you.”
“What do you mean?” I pretend I don’t know what he’s talking about.
He purses his lips, and I can tell he’s biting something back. “You used that poor girl to get back at me, didn’t you?”
“Get back at you? For what?”
“I don’t know.” He runs his hands through his hair and paces a short path in front of the window. “Goddammit, I don’t know.”
“Calm down, Ben.” I soften my voice, deciding to drop the macho act. “You’re right about not bringing Julie into this. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I’d take it back if I could. But this is not about revenge— not even close. Getting back at you is the last thing I want to do.”
He doesn’t respond, but I’m not surprised. I’ve come very close to telling the truth, and he’s not quite ready to hear it yet.
“What did you tell Julie?” I ask.
“That you’re a sex addict. That when I saw the two of you together, she looked sexy and I got carried away. I also told her it won’t happen again. That our relationship has to be strictly professional.” He glares at me. “It
won’t
happen again, will it?”
“No. I promise I will not try to seduce Julie again. Although there wasn’t much trying to it, if you want to know the truth.”
“Oh, I have no doubt she was worshiping at your feet.” He twirls his wrist and bends slightly at the waist in a perfectly executed mock bow, his lips curving into a cruel half smile.
He hates me. I’ve ruined everything.
Ben turns to go, but instead of leaving, he pauses beside the door and leans his head against the glass for several excruciating minutes. I’m too much of a coward to break the silence. Eventually, he clears his throat and speaks without turning to look at me.
“You can’t keep doing this shit.” Another silence follows. “Why didn’t you come, Corey?”
“I didn’t want to.” I stare defiantly at his back, but he won’t turn around.
“Why not?”
I sigh and fiddle with my necklace again. “I do want to come— need to come. But not in
her
.”
“Jesus, Corey.” He’s still leaning against the glass, and now he bumps his head against it several times.
“You didn’t come, either,” I point out, walking quietly across the carpet on my bare feet and coming to a stop directly behind him. My heart is a runaway train, but I have to be strong or we’re both lost.
“I didn’t want to,” he says, echoing my words.
My stomach does a double flip. I’m terrified that I’ve misread his signals, but there’s only one way to find out for sure. I move up behind him, close enough for him to feel my breath on the back of his neck. He doesn’t move a muscle, and that gives me the courage to do what I have to do.
I reach around him with one arm and slide my hand slowly, deliberately down his abdomen and onto his dick. “My God, Ben…” I gasp against his ear when I feel his straining erection. “You’re as hard as I am.”
As proof, I press my own rigid cock against him from behind and feel every muscle in his body tense and release. He lets out the breath he’s been holding, and it’s like a huge burden is expelled from his body.
I lower my head and press my mouth into the hollow at his throat, nuzzling in under the edge of his t-shirt and biting down. Since we met, we’ve ritualistically marked two women as our own. Now I’m going to claim the only person I’ve ever truly desired in my entire life.
There’s no mistaking what it means, and he lets me do it.
12
(BEN)
WHEN I feel Corey’s warm
mouth moving in that sensitive spot between my throat and my shoulder, I can’t help but shiver. It’s so incredibly erotic I feel it in every part of my body, all the way to my toes.
What the hell am I doing?
My body tenses suddenly, and my instincts almost make me pull away.
“What is it?” He asks against my neck, and I get chills all over again from the tickle of his lips.
“I’m not supposed to feel this way… not with another man. I’m straight, Corey. I like women, right?”
He laughs under his breath, grabs my hand, and pulls me out the door and toward the house. The air is frigid, but I barely notice. I’m numb to everything but his touch now.
“Let’s go in the house, Doc. I think you’ll be more comfortable there.” He pulls me silently along until we reach the kitchen. It’s my own kitchen, and yet it seems strange to me tonight. Everything does. All I can do is stare as Corey grabs a couple of bottles of beer from the fridge, opens them, and sets mine on the counter.
He takes several long swallows of his beer, and I’m fascinated with the movement of his throat, and the contours of his ripped chest and abs. His faded jeans hang low around his hips, exposing his perfectly defined Adonis belt muscles and the thin trail of dark hair that extends down into his waist band, hinting at what’s below. He must have been wearing these particular jeans for years, because they’re worn to threads in spots. He’s barefoot, and the too-long, tattered pant legs curve under his heels when he walks.
It’s got to be a sin to be looking at him this way, and thinking what I’m thinking.
“I’m straight, right?” I ask him.
He seems to consider for a moment. “Do you like women?”
I nod. “Or I always have so far.”
“Do you like me?”
I have to clear my throat to speak. “Yes. Am I… gay?”
“I don’t know.” He sets his beer on the counter. “Let me check.”
Before I know what’s happening, he grabs me by the shoulders and throws me roughly against the wall, slamming his mouth down onto mine. His big body has me tightly pinned, and he’s licking into my mouth like he’s after the last bit of ice cream in the bottom of the cone. I love the taste of him, the feel of him, the way he’s mastering me. He’s in charge, and he knows just how to use his lips and his tongue to make me clamor for more. I latch onto his lip and suck it hard, moaning against him, wrapping my arms around his neck and trying to pull him closer even though he’s already flat against me. When he snakes a hand around to grab my ass, and it’s all I can do not to wrap my legs around him, too.
I want him so much I’m having freaking heart attack symptoms. Chest pain, shortness of breath, elevated temperature… Except the chest pain actually hurts in my heart, and it’s more of an ache. I’ve never had this feeling before. Not with Christina, not with anyone.
Suddenly, he lets go of me and pulls away, grabbing his beer off the counter and taking a swig. “I don’t know, Ben. That felt pretty gay to me.”
“Nice. You’re making jokes, and I’m having a heart attack.”
“Hey, calm down. This kind of thing happens between men all the time. It’s not like we’re breaking new ground here.”
“I know. It just feels a lot different when it’s happening first hand.”
Corey laughs. “It feels
better
. Now drink your beer. Want to watch some TV?”
I grab my beer and follow him on unsteady legs to the sofa. Maybe some television will clear my head, give me something to think about other than sleeping with Corey. Because I have to admit, I’m pretty well consumed with it right now.
I turn on the TV and put it on an old rerun of Happy Days. Fonzie is slow dancing with Richie, who’s dressed in drag for some kind of initiation. I’ve seen the episode before, but the irony of it airing during my first official gay experience is too much. And besides, Fonzie is making me think of Corey, with his leather jacket and his motorcycle, and his magical way with the ladies.
“Heeyyy…” Corey does a really poor imitation of the Fonz.
“I think you need to stick to CPR.”
The seat caves under him when he sits beside me, so that my body slides closer to him. I instinctively lean away, but he puts his arm around my shoulders. “Please don’t pull away. You let other people touch you, but you always pull away from me.”
“Other people don’t make me feel the way you do.”
Did I really just say that?
“Oh?” he asks. “How do I make you feel?”
“Jeez, Corey. You know.”
He raises his eyebrows. “No, I don’t. You’ve never told me. And quite frankly, a lot of the time you act like you can’t stand me.”
“What have you been smoking? I act like I can’t stand you? Look where you are, for heaven’s sake. I asked you to move in with me like two minutes after we met.”
“You didn’t ask; you ordered. And staying in the pool house is not exactly moving in with you.”
“Are you in the pool house now? And where did you sleep last night?”
“I guess I haven’t spent much time out there,” he admits. “But you were telling me how I made you feel, remember?”
“I can’t believe I’m telling you this. You make me nervous, okay? I can’t think of how to act normal when you’re around. The way you are, the way you look… I keep telling myself I just look up to you, like the popular guy everyone wants to hang around with in school. But that’s not exactly true, is it?” I bury my hands in my face. “Jesus, I’m fucked.”
Corey is smiling like a jackass. I wish I could tell him how I feel in a more manly, respectable fashion rather than gushing like some lovesick geek, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
“And when I touch you…” He runs his index finger along the inside of my thigh, stopping just shy of the swell in my pajama pants, and I jump.