Panorama (6 page)

Once Bubi was really bad and didn’t want to do what his mother said and screamed, “I’ll shoot myself if you keep bothering me!” Then he picked up a cork gun from among his toys and pointed it toward himself as his mother went pale and yelled, “Bubi, you can’t die! My poor child, Bubi! Bubi!” But Bubi is stubborn and just looks away as his mother comforts him,
which pleases Josef a great deal, and he thinks that he’d like to try the same rather than always just making someone angry. So when Josef once again doesn’t want to wash his hands and the mother scolds him as always, he says to her, “I’m tired of you always getting angry with me. I don’t want to live anymore, I’m going to poison myself!” At this the mother quietly walks away and returns with a spoon, then opens the little medicine cabinet full of many bottles, jars, tins, and little boxes, after which she grabs a bottle and slowly removes its cork and pours something from it into the spoon that looks like water and has no color, and then steps toward Josef, who at first is curious and looks on, but now is afraid as she calmly says, “Take the spoon, my child. This will poison you and then you’ll be dead.” And so she holds the spoon up to his mouth, which he doesn’t open, and he realizes that he doesn’t really want to die, but nonetheless he grows terribly afraid and thinks how lucky Bubi is that his mother was so afraid, while Josef’s mother will just let him die quietly because she doesn’t love him at all. “I’m not taking the spoon! I don’t want to!”—“You said you wanted to poison yourself. This is poison, my child. You won’t have to be bothered by your mother anymore.”—“I’m not taking that spoon!” And then he begins to weep horribly and cannot stop, and he never thinks about poisoning himself again.

Josef wants to live and grow tall, and he’s astounded at how easy it would be to die from just a spoonful of medicine, which is terrible, not even the mother being sad once you are dead. But Frau Diamant is deeply sad and still wears black and always has tears in her eyes when she sees Josef and his schoolmates. She had a son named Georg, who was in Josef’s class, and Georg had always been such a quiet boy whom everyone liked. But one day he didn’t come to school again, and then Fräulein Reimann sadly said a couple of days later, “Children, stand up. I have some bad news. Georg Diamant has died from brain fever. We will observe a moment of silence in order to think about him and his poor parents.” And after a minute the teacher said, “Now sit. Tell your parents that you’d like to contribute a little something. Bring it in with you so that the class can lay a beautiful wreath on Georg’s grave.” Josef told his parents, and the mother was deeply upset and said right way, “The poor, poor parents! What a terrible blow!” But Aunt Betti said, “One can’t watch over children closely enough. They are such a worry. All it takes is a little bite from some bug and there’s nothing
you or I can do to prevent the child dying.” Then Josef asked, “Will I also die?”—“We all have to die someday, child. But before that we should all live to be old. When a child dies, it’s the worst thing that can happen to a parent, and terribly hard.” Josef wants to ask more questions, but he doesn’t really know what about, and then he can only think how sad it must be to be dead and no longer there. The next morning his father gives him a silver coin for the wreath, all the children in the class bringing in a contribution as the teacher writes down the exact amount she receives from each and, once satisfied, says, “It will be a beautiful wreath. Tomorrow is the burial, and I will attend for all of you and give my condolences to the inconsolable parents on behalf of the entire class. Today, though, you should all pray a great deal for the soul of poor Georg, so that he gets to heaven and becomes a little angel.”

Josef often dreams, losing himself in his dreams during the day as well, not knowing if he’s asleep or if he’s dreaming. He holds on tight to his mother when he leaves the house with her, sensing how warm it is next to her, when suddenly he senses nothing and feels as if he didn’t exist. Perhaps that’s what it’s like, being dead, as if looking down at himself, entirely separate and other, and he feels sorry for this Josef, who is always walking around hanging on to someone, this Josef down there below him. A different Josef has to always do as he’s told, go to school, wash his hands, a Josef who is always afraid and isn’t brave like Bubi, who sits atop a real horse that slowly goes around in a circle as it pulls the carousel, Josef trusting the artificial horses of the carousel, those that are dead, while Bubi rides proudly on a living horse. The Josef above pities the Josef below, but the one above is not really there, he is nothing and thinks nothing, though he is alive and is much more magnificent than the real Josef and better than him and all the children in the class.

In class there is a poor refugee from Galicia named Chaim Eiberheit, whom all the kids dislike, Eiberheit being completely poor, though there’s no reason for him to be so filthy, or so say all the mothers, as well as Fräulein Reimann, though he does live in the worst house in the neighborhood, a building where many poor people live whom no one wants anything to do with, Hugo Treml saying of the house, “It’s full with broken windows.” But the teacher says, “No, Treml, you mean ‘full of,’ not ‘full with,’ nor is ‘full
of’ even right in this instance.” Meanwhile Eiberheit sits on the last bench alone, because no child can stand to sit next to him, not because he’s a refugee but because his mother never cleaned him up and he has dirty ears, once having had a genuine case of lice in his hair, even though it never bothered Eiberheit. One time Frau Eiberheit came to school, waiting until recess, when Fräulein Reimann was still in the classroom, to whom Frau Eiberheit handed a large slice of bread covered with lard, which she just wanted to pass on to Chaim, though the teacher was anxious to speak with her. “It’s good that you’re here, Frau Eiberheit. But you must know this is not allowed.” Indeed, Frau Eiberheit begs her pardon, she doesn’t want to be a bother, but the boy had simply forgotten his lunch and he shouldn’t go hungry, and Frau Eiberheit makes a move to go, but the teacher yells, “Frau Eiberheit, listen to me! You must …” Frau Eiberheit doesn’t let her get out another word, even though all she wants to say is that Frau Eiberheit has to bathe Chaim and comb his hair, but Frau Eiberheit has already left the classroom, and the teacher can only shrug her shoulders. And yet Eiberheit remains as filthy as ever, nor does it matter to him, for he’s happy to sit alone on the last bench, making faces and laughing whenever anyone turns around to him, which the teacher has forbidden them to do. “No turning around. That’s rude. How many times must I tell you?” But Eiberheit says to her, “Pieposberger and Flamminger are also refugees, and yet they never get into trouble. Why don’t you make an example of them?”

At home the mother says, “It’s this terrible war that does this to everyone. It would be good if it would just be over with. Then we could get a letter again from Aunt Valli in America.” The mother often talks about this aunt who many years ago left for America, where she lives quite happily, especially because the war zone is so far away, and war is simply horrible. Bubi’s father didn’t have to enlist, but Ludwig’s father had to, and also Hugo Treml’s and the fathers of many other children who are now in Russia or on the Isonzo and seldom come home when they have leave, several others also having been wounded, and some still held as prisoners of war. Meanwhile the children don’t know where their fathers are, and the mothers say nothing, which is awful for the poor women, as Aunt Gusti says the children will too easily become like wild animals because the mothers have no help and have to worry about everything for themselves. Uncle Paul also enlisted and
has been wounded at Vilna, Aunt Betti sighing deeply and saying, “The fact that the people don’t want to sue for peace is a cross to bear!” As for little Ernst, whose hair is as long as a little girl’s and looks as beautiful as a doll his mother adores in a storefront window, his father fell in Serbia at the very start of the war, three years ago, though his mother still goes around in black and says to everyone, “I live only for Ernst, he’s the apple of my eye.” Indeed, Ernst continues to look just like an apple, fresh and pure, himself not allowed to play with the other children in the park, though Bubi’s mother once said to Josef’s mother, “That’s too much. It’s not good for the child.” Josef’s father, meanwhile, had been enlisted for a brief time, then he was discharged because he is somewhat frail. He once had a problem with his lungs and his eyes are weak, the eye doctor saying, “It’s a hereditary condition, which Josef got from his father.” But the father suffers a great deal during the war, because he must work twice as hard in the store, and he can find no help to hire, which is why he’s so late getting home, which makes the mother angry, but when he has to go into the store on Sunday morning she can’t say anything, for he says, “There’s no other way to do what has to be done. Times are tough, Mella. Be reasonable!”

The mother also contributes a lot to the war effort, serving as a volunteer nurse and often working at the new high school that has been converted into a military hospital. The mother is good at massage, the wounded like her, and they often come to visit once they are better, many of them poor men who have lost an arm or a foot, often still covered in large bandages. Sometimes the mother takes Josef along to the hospital, the huge gymnasium having been turned into an orthopedic ward, where the mother usually does therapy with the wounded and helps them exercise, sometimes a little party happening in the ward as well, such as on the emperor’s birthday or when there is a visit by the proconsul’s wife, who is so nice, everyone running after her and calling her “Countess.” The mother takes a white overcoat with a red cross on it, as well as another pin that says
VOLUNTEER NURSE
, the mother also wearing a white bonnet that is as stiff and bright as the father’s collars. The mother does what she can, because it is her duty to the fatherland to do something for the war effort when she herself cannot fight, and the emperor is fighting for what is right. That’s what the children learn in school, the principal exhorting them to buy war bonds, though Josef’s father
doesn’t want to, and when Josef asks if he can he is told, “That’s for rich people. I have to work hard in order that you grow up hale and hardy.” Josef asks, “But is what you do also for the emperor?”—“For the emperor, and for you as well.” Then the father explains how he is fulfilling his responsibilities by tutoring the war blind to make grocery bags, the war blind making wonderful bags out of paper leather, which they then sell in order to support themselves. The mother has also bought some of them, as have other women, including Bubi’s mother and Ludwig’s mother, though Aunt Gusti says that you can buy better ones in the store and for less, but you should still buy them from the war blind, since they are so poor, and you can never cherish your sight enough, Josef having the good fortune to wear glasses, whereas the blind live in an eternal night.

Sitting under the stairs with his eyes closed, Josef thinks that he knows what it’s like to have your eyes shot out. That’s why it’s good that the father demonstrates how to cut paper leather, how one weaves it and glues it in order to make a bag. Everywhere, people help with the war effort, such as in school, where they gather lint twice a week, which Josef likes to do. They are given bright rags, which they unravel with their fingers, taking a little piece and with two fingers pulling out thread after thread until a little pile lies on the desk, after which it’s all gathered up in a big bag, which the custodian takes away as the teacher says, “The lint is used for pillows and blankets for our wounded heroes in the hospital, since proper feathers are in such short supply.” Lint is also gathered at home, Anna happy to help out, after which it’s taken away, though Bubi doesn’t like to and says, “Gathering lint is stupid, that’s girls’ work.” But Tata says, “Bubi, you have no heart. Just imagine if you were wounded and had to lie on some awful straw mattress without ever having a pillow or a proper blanket.” Nonetheless, Bubi still says it’s for girls or little boys, it being ridiculous when he has to do it, at which Tata says, “Fine, Bubi, we can switch jobs. You can knit pulse warmers for the poor soldiers, and I’ll gather lint.” To this Bubi says nothing and leaves the room, Josef following him, the two of them ending up outside on the balcony, where Bubi has a large pickle jar full of tadpoles that someone gave him, and he takes one tadpole after another and lets it fall and smash on the street below, but only when no one is coming along who might be hit, for he’s very careful, since one time when he threw down a pot that
nearly killed someone a terrible ruckus followed, Bubi’s mother having to calm down the strange man because he was so upset that he threatened to call the police, after which Bubi got a spanking and was sent to his room for the entire afternoon, where he screamed loudly and cried that he would never do it again. For a long while afterward, he was not allowed on the balcony alone, having done worse things than Josef ever had, though when Josef points that out, his mother says, “You shouldn’t just focus on the bad side of Bubi, especially when there are so many good things about him.”

Meanwhile Josef has a nanny, the mother unable to watch over him as much because of all the time she must spend at the hospital, and because Aunt Betti can barely get by on her war relief she has to help Josef’s father in the store and thus has less time for Josef, though this makes it easier for the father to run around, busy as he is, everyone having to work hard, which causes a lot of stress. It’s become so hard to get essentials that Anna has to stand in long lines, and Aunt Gusti, too, which one cannot expect of the mother, since she’s on her feet the entire day, though the father has connections and brings home flour or potatoes, all of which is incredibly expensive and just burns through their money.

The nanny’s name is Jedlitschka, and she’s thin and scrawny, the grandmother saying, “She doesn’t even have enough strength to properly knead dough.” The nanny’s neckline reveals how much the bones in her chest stick out. Bubi doesn’t like this, and says, “If that were my nanny I would simply throw her out.” When Josef tells this to the mother, she replies, “You are an ungrateful child. Bubi and Kitti have Tata. They don’t need a nanny. Their mother can shop. Why do I have to explain it all to you? Things are one way for them and another way for us.” Josef likes the nanny very much, because she lets him do what he wants and he doesn’t have to watch out what he does in the park, for she hardly keeps an eye on him as she talks with others or darns stockings, and whenever the weather is bad she plays fleas or fish with Josef at home. Fleas involves colorful buttons divided into six different colors so that six can play, though everyone plays alone, each person taking three different colors totaling eighteen buttons in all. There is also a large button that you use to flip the smaller buttons, the game requiring that you shoot your button accurately enough to land it on the other player’s button, which you then take away, while whoever ends up with some buttons left is
the winner. The game of fish is different. On the table you place a box made of cardboard that has four sides and is painted with fish, and you throw a bunch of paper fish into it, though old shoes, drowned cats, and other things are also thrown in to annoy the fisherman, while written on each fish is how much it weighs, with a little metal ring attached. The players get a pole, which is a wooden bar with a thread attached that is the line, from which hangs a magnet, which is the hook, whereupon each player dips his line into the pond, only one being allowed to do so at a time. Swishing around in the water, but without looking within, whoever is lucky pulls out a fish or several fish, though the unfortunate get nothing or a shoe or something else, the players continuing until the pond is empty, while whoever has caught the heaviest fish wins.