Sara took a deep breath to calm herself. She thought she saw tears in Philip’s eyes, and her heart was breaking for the both of them. She took a step closer. “Look, maybe it wasn’t my place to ask those questions. I’m not your wife, but I’m also not a fair weather girlfriend, Philip. I’m not with you just for the good times.”
“What good times? There haven’t been any good times,” he shot back. “I’ve been a gimp since you met me. You should go find a guy who’s whole.”
Sara’s lips parted when she realized what Philip was doing. This was a preemptive strike, like the time he got rid of his previous tutor because he was afraid of failing. Except this time, he was being a martyr, telling her to leave because he didn’t want his disability to drag her down. She shook her head sadly.
Taking a seat on Philip’s bed, she cocked her head to get his attention, but Philip avoided making eye contact with her. “I have news for you, mister. I’m already with a guy who’s whole!” His lack of response told Sara he needed more convincing, so she softened her tone and said, “I have a confession to make, Philip. And after I make it, if you still want me to leave, I will.”
She took a deep breath. “Do you remember when you asked me on the way to Naples about the moment that changed my life the most? Well, I lied. It didn’t have anything to do with my family. It was the moment I met you. Something inside me came alive, and it wasn’t because you’re gorgeous or an athlete or one of the most popular guys on campus. I hate those kinds of guys.” Philip glanced at her, and she thought she detected a little smile. She felt her throat start to close up, and she wasn’t even sure she could finish the rest of her confession. Her voice grew raspy. “It was because of who you are on the inside. I fell in love with your soul, Philip, the guy who wrote those essays. The man who has a strong moral character and loves his family. And it doesn’t matter to me whether you can run twenty miles an hour or two miles an hour or no miles an hour. So don’t tell me not to ask the doctor questions or see if I can get you something to eat or drink. I care about you and if I want to do things for you, then I’m going to do them, dammit.” She hit the bed with her palm for emphasis. “And if you don’t like it, well, then okay. I’ll go.”
Sara paused to gauge Philip’s reaction, but when there wasn’t one, she started to get up. Philip reached out and placed his hands on her hips. “Sara wait. I don’t want you to go,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. Please stay.”
Her lip trembled as she gazed into his eyes. They were filled with so much sincerity, so much love. She ran her hand over his hair and nodded.
“I can be such a prick sometimes,” he said sadly.
“Don’t say that,” she objected.
“It’s true. I…it’s just been really hard not knowing what’s gonna happen. I don’t mean to take it out on you. I don’t want to be just one more person who hurts you or disappoints you.”
“You’re not, Philip.” She felt herself choking up. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not okay. I know I don’t deserve you, Sara,” he said tearfully, “and I don’t know why you put up with my bull, but I’m so grateful to have you by my side. And I was lying when I said there haven’t been any good times. They’ve all been good. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You are. And I never want to lose you. I want you in my life forever.” Pulling Sara on top of him, he held her tight and tenderly kissed her lips. He rolled her onto her back and continued to kiss her.
Sara gently pressed on his chest. “Wait, I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” she said.
Nuzzling his nose on hers, he chuckled. “You need to quit while you’re ahead,” he joked, before capturing her lips again.
She pressed her hands against his chest. “Wait, what does that mean?”
“It means I want to make love to you. And nothing’s gonna stop me. Not even a bum knee.”
He slipped her hoodie off her shoulders and then pulled her blouse up over her head and tossed it onto the floor. He gently urged her onto her side, her back to his front, so he could unhook her bra. He drew her closer to him so that her body conformed to his. She could feel his warm breath bathing the back of her neck as he kissed his way from one bare shoulder to the other. She didn’t know what to feel first, his kisses behind her or his caresses in front of her, as he held her across her waist with one arm while the other hand toyed with both breasts at once. The arm that wrapped around her front dropped lower and lower, diving inside her shorts until he found her sweet spot.
Keeping her on edge, she squirmed under his touch as he applied a light uneven pressure that, little by little, grew firmer and steadier, driving her out of her mind. She writhed with pleasure, her movements guiding him as he manually brought her to orgasm, once, twice, three times. She didn’t even have time to catch her breath between convulsions. She turned her head to look at him over her shoulder. His eyes were half closed when she turned her whole body to face him. She gently slipped his shorts down, taking extra care not to disturb his bandage. It was Philip’s turn to be on the receiving end.
Over the next couple weeks, Philip spent a lot of time in physical therapy, trying to improve his upper body strength while keeping his lower half limber and his circulation flowing. He joked that Sara was the best physical therapy program, because making love to her gave him the best workouts of all.
When he wasn’t working on his body, Sara attempted to stimulate his brain. She tried to get him to focus on his studies, but it was nearly impossible. He was too distracted over the decision he had yet to make, and that was whether to go through with the surgery.
Sara thought it was kind of a no-brainer, and it surprised her that Philip was waffling so much. Up to now, he’d always seemed so sure of himself, so decisive. But once his future became cloudy, his whole world was thrown off balance, and it changed him. Even though Sara believed that having surgery was the right choice, she knew that Philip didn’t want to be told what to do, so she mostly kept her opinion to herself. This decision had to be his. He had to be comfortable with it.
Eventually he confided the real reason he was so unsure about how to proceed. Sara was doing homework at the desk while Philip was lying on the sofa, flipping through channels on his tablet’s TV app. He set the tablet aside and looked over at Sara. “You think I should have the surgery, don’t you?” he asked her quietly.
Choosing her words carefully, she answered. “Philip, I can’t tell you what to do. And I can’t really put myself in your shoes. No one can.”
Philip didn’t say anything for several minutes. He closed his eyes, and Sara thought maybe he had fallen asleep until he started speaking without opening his eyes. “If I have the surgery, and I still can’t play, I won’t be able to fool myself anymore. I won’t be able to pretend there’s a miracle in store for me.”
Sara swallowed hard, watching Philip. When he opened his eyes, she could see they were watery. “If I don’t have the surgery, then I can still believe in the possibility. I can still have hope.” He choked up as he admitted his fears. “You know?”
Sara nodded slowly. She rose from the desk chair and went over to the sofa, instinctively putting her arms around him and comforting him. He buried his face against the side of her neck.
That night in bed, Philip was tossing and turning in his sleep. At first Sara thought it was due to the pain, because he was reluctant to take painkillers. He didn’t want to become dependent. But his insomnia turned out to be more mental than physical. When he woke up in the middle of the night, Sara could tell that something had shaken him up. “You okay?” He didn’t answer right away. Instead, he stared up at the ceiling. Placing a calming hand on his chest, she could feel his heart pounding. Her own heart started beating faster from worry. “What’s wrong?” she whispered. Shaking him gently, she pleaded, “Tell me.”
He slowly rolled on his side to face her. “It’s nothing. Just a dream.”
“Tell me,” she whispered.
His eyes were glassy in the darkness as he described the dream to her, and Sara could tell it wasn’t
just a dream
. “There was this man standing in an orange grove. He was teaching a little kid to throw a football. The kid was maybe seven or eight. At first I thought it was me and my dad, that I was the little kid. But I wasn’t the boy.” His voice cracked with emotion when he told her, “I was the man. What if I can never do that?” Sara’s eyes widened. “What if I can never take my nephews, Jarrod and Jackson, to ball games? I want to be able to teach my kids to play sports one day, the way my dad taught me.”
Sara choked back tears as she reached for Philip and hugged him. For the first time, she realized that he wasn’t only worried about his football career. He was worried about his life. “You will. I know you will.”
Holding her close, he spoke into her shoulder. “You heard what the doc said. If I don’t have the surgery, it could impact my whole life.” He leaned away to look at her. “I have to have the surgery,” he told her. “I have to get well.”
Once the decision was made and the surgery was scheduled, Philip still had a lot of anxiety, so Sara pushed him to focus on his studies to try and take his mind off his worries. She reminded him that, as his tutor, she got judged on his progress just as much as he did, so he cracked the books and made up for lost time, staying up and reading past midnight several nights in a row. It was just as well. Neither of them could sleep anyway, with the surgery just a few days away. It had to be a success this time. It just had to be.
»»•««
The next day, Sara was walking to her speech therapy class, thinking about Philip’s upcoming surgery and praying for that miracle he wanted so badly. At the very least, she prayed he would be able to walk with no limp and not have to live with pain. Leaning against the brick wall of the building for Special Education Studies, she watched as throngs of students flowed in various directions. They all had somewhere to go. Not unlike Philip, Sara used to have a clear picture of what her life was going to be like. Now she wasn’t so sure anymore. Life was going to change soon, no matter what.
She and Philip had talked a little about what life would be like after he graduated this spring. Until he secured a contract with a professional football team, he planned to live in Naples and help his parents in the store. Naples was only three and a half hours away, after all. But after being together constantly for the past few weeks, being even an hour’s drive away would feel like an eternity. She’d grown so emotionally dependent on Philip, so connected to him.
She closed her eyes, and an unexpected image floated into her brain. She pictured Philip teaching a little boy to throw a football. When she opened her eyes, she realized the little boy she was imagining was their son—hers and Philip’s. She wasn’t sure whether it was an image Philip put in her head when he talked about the dream he had, or if it was a premonition. Maybe it was just a wish. She knew for sure that the dream was unlikely to come true if Philip got his miracle—the ability to play football again. Their lives would go in different directions, and she’d lose him. He had told her many times that he wanted a future with her, but he wasn’t thinking realistically. He was just caught up in the moment, and so was Sara. Still, she prayed for his miracle.
She reached into her pack and took out her phone, swiping the screen with her finger until she found what she was looking for—the selfie Philip had taken of the two of them before leaving for the New Year’s Eve party.
Even though it was only a few weeks later, it seemed like a million years ago, when their love was so new and time didn’t matter. She sighed heavily.
First loves are seldom last loves except in romance novels,
she told herself. No matter what happens, even if they did drift apart and never saw each other again, she felt certain she would always love Philip. Even if she never loved anyone else the way she loved Philip, at least she could say she knew what grand passion was like. Nothing could ever change that.
As she walked into her speech therapy education class, someone tugged at her sleeve.
“Hey stranger.”
Sara’s eyes flashed. “Kevin!” She gave her friend an impromptu hug that surprised even her. Sara was never the hugging type, but Philip’s family must have rubbed off on her a little. “I’m glad to see you!”
“
Hmmm
. You have a funny way of showing it.”
“What do you mean?”
Kevin’s brows arched. “Seriously? You haven’t returned any of my calls.”
“Oh. Um. I’m so sorry, Kevin.” Sara adjusted the shoulder bag that was starting to slip. “I meant to. I’ve just been…um…distracted.”
“Distracted. Is that what you call it? I’m thinking you think you’re too good to talk to me now that you’re dating a hotshot jock.”
Sara tried hard not to give in to her knee-jerk reaction to his statement. She knew where Kevin was coming from. They used to make fun of jocks and cheerleaders all the time. No wonder he felt a bit betrayed. “Kevin, I told you before, Philip’s not like that.”
“Yeah right.” He rolled his eyes. “A guy like Mason shows you a little attention, and you do a complete one eighty. You changed your whole personality for him. I hardly recognize you anymore.”
“Kevin, that’s not true! And please, don’t judge me,” she said, a little harshly. Kevin’s words were hurtful, but he was one hundred percent wrong. “I’ve learned a lot since I met Philip. I only made fun of people like that before because I was jealous of their popularity,” she conceded. That was the truth. “And so were you. But I was wrong. There’s a lot more to Philip than meets the eye.”
“Ha! You mean he’s good in bed.”
Sara’s eyes widened, but instead of reacting, she silently counted to ten. She could see that Kevin was jealous of her relationship with Philip, which was why he immediately took a jab at her sex life. “I’m going to ignore that remark. What I’m trying to tell you is that meeting Philip has taught me it’s wrong to label people. He’s not just a jock, Kevin.” She could read the skepticism in his eyes. “He’s not! He’s a smart guy, and he’s a good son, and he’s an attentive boyfriend who just happens to play football, but he isn’t defined by it—except by small-minded jealous people.”