‘Nadine?’ Her mother’s voice snaps her back to the present.
‘Yes, Mummy? Sorry, I was miles away there …’
‘You sound ever so tired, darling,’ Candida remarks. ‘Why don’t you try and put Rafferty down now and get some sleep yourself?’
‘Yes, maybe I’d better, or I might have a bath once the water’s heated up. He’s actually asleep now.’ Oh no. Does this mean he’ll be awake in two hours and screaming his little lungs out all night long?
‘What did you say?’ Candida asks. ‘I didn’t hear what you
—’
‘I said … I can’t do it,’ Nadine chokes out.
‘Oh, darling,
what
can’t you do?’
‘This!’ she exclaims. ‘This … this looking after a baby thing. It’s so scary, Mummy. I mean, it’s forever, isn’t it? It’s irreversible. No one ever said …’ Tears start to roll down her cheeks.
‘Well, it is,’ her mother says gently, ‘but it’s not always like this. It gets easier and more fun, too. It’s just these early months that are the toughest …’
‘
Months?
’ It sounds like a life sentence. ‘I look awful as well,’ Nadine declares.
‘No you don’t. You’re
lovely
. Just … just try to take things one day at a time, sweetheart. Ignore this ridiculous pressure that’s heaped upon young mums to be perfect, to be rake-thin and not have stretch marks …’
‘I’ve got those,’ Nadine mutters, drying her eyes on her sleeve. ‘The oils didn’t work.’
‘So what? You’ve had a baby and that’s a beautiful thing.’
Nadine sniffs, no longer concerned about Rob being out. In fact she’s glad, as she can’t talk to her mother like this when he’s at home.
‘I’ve stopped breastfeeding, Mummy,’ she says in a small voice.
‘That’s fine too. There’s no law against bottle-feeding. I bottle-fed you, you know. Did you find it painful, or is it so you and Rob can share night feeds?’
‘Er …’ Nadine wants to say something – to tell her the real reason – but she knows it’ll set her off again, and she doesn’t want Rob to walk in and find her in floods of tears. ‘I just didn’t seem to have enough milk,’ she murmurs eventually.
‘Well, Rafferty is fine and thriving,’ Candida says soothingly. ‘I loved the pictures you sent me – you’re obviously doing a great job. All that really matters is that you love him.’
‘I do,’ Nadine says, hurriedly finishing the call. It’s true – she cannot believe how much she adores this little person who’s now waking with stuttery sounds. She loves him more than life itself. Yet, when there’s finally enough hot water, she is able to sink into a deep bubble bath while his shrill cries ring through the flat. Rafferty screams and screams, making himself hoarse as he lies on the sheepskin rug on the living room floor. Nadine focuses on the bathroom ceiling light and, instead of rushing through to look after her son, she tops up the tub with more hot water and closes her tired eyes.
Before he sees her, Kerry spots Rob amidst the crowds milling around outside the main entrance to London Zoo. He’s with her, Nadine – it
has
to be her. Small, dark-haired and pretty, the baby strapped to her chest in a sling. There’s a complicated handover of sling and baby, and Kerry’s eyes flood with tears as Nadine kisses the child’s head, then Rob’s cheek, before hurrying away.
‘What’s wrong, Mummy?’ Mia asks, looking up at her with concern.
‘Nothing, sweetheart. I’m fine. Look – there’s Daddy …’
‘Daddy!’ come Mia and Freddie’s explosive cries as they charge towards him, giving Kerry a moment to arrange her expression into some semblance of normality.
It’s the first time the children have met their new baby brother. Nadine has barely allowed him out of her sight, and according to Rob, she felt it would have been ‘too much’ to have Mia and Freddie in the flat, despite the fact that it sounded as if the place had been buzzing with her friends for the first couple of weeks. Anyway, who would have brought them to Daddy’s new home? Perhaps Kerry could have gritted her teeth and done it, ushering them in through the door before rushing off to hide in a cafe somewhere. But, as it was, Rob had suggested they ‘wait until things are a bit more settled’, and Kerry agreed that it might be easier for Freddie and Mia to meet the baby on neutral territory.
‘Mummy, come and see!’ Mia yells, craning up for a better view of the baby. Kerry manages to propel herself forward. She is buffeted by an enormous cluster of foil helium balloons as she peers around the sling to get a look at the baby’s face.
‘He’s beautiful,’ she whispers truthfully. ‘God, he looks like you, Rob.’ She swallows hard, her vision blurring again as he clasps his hand around hers and squeezes it.
‘Hey,’ he says softly. ‘This is really weird, isn’t it …’
‘It’s fine,’ she says quickly, blinking away her tears. ‘Oh, he is lovely, though, Rob. He looks like your dad.’
‘But Nonno’s
old
!’ Freddie retorts. ‘Rafferty’s a baby. Can I have a balloon please, Daddy?’
‘Uh … not right now,’ Rob says quickly. ‘Let’s get into the zoo and maybe you can have one later, okay?’
Kerry isn’t sure whether it’s because Rafferty doesn’t do much yet, but after the initial flurry of interest, the monkeys are clearly more fascinating to Mia and Freddie than a four-week-old baby.
‘So, how’s it going so far?’ she asks as the children point and laugh at a primate clawing at its rear.
‘Okay … I think. Nadine’s finding it tough. I don’t think she had the faintest idea what it would be like.’
‘Well, none of us do,’ Kerry says coolly.
‘Yes, but … you seemed more realistic. It didn’t seem to shock you to the core like it has with—’
‘Please don’t compare us, Rob. I really don’t need to hear that.’
‘Uh … okay. Sorry.’ She sees him flush and softens a little.
‘Anyway, I promise you I
was
pretty shocked, the first time at least. Maybe I was better at hiding it. So was Nadine okay about you coming out with us today?’
‘Yes – delighted actually. She needs some time to herself.’ He glances at Kerry. ‘And I’ve been desperate to see you all too,’ he adds. ‘I’ve hated not being with the kids this past month, and them having to wait so long to see the baby …’
She nods. ‘Well, you’re both here now. They’ve missed you too, you know. But I do remember how all-consuming it is at first, so don’t give yourself a hard time …’
A flicker of amusement crosses his lips.
‘What is it?’
‘Nothing. It’s just, I had a bit of a late one last night …’
‘You mean you were out at night? You
rebel
…’
‘Yeah. Didn’t make me very popular but it was one of those spontaneous things, the tram enthusiasts’ party …’
‘
What?
’ she splutters.
‘I know.’ He’s laughing too. ‘I nearly didn’t go. Just fancied a quick drink with Simon, but there was this thing going on – a retirement do for one of his team. And I thought, okay, just drop in for half an hour, it’ll be a load of old guys sipping real ale and they’ll all be ready to throw in the towel by nine thirty …’
‘So what goes on at a tram enthusiasts’ party?’
‘Oh, you wouldn’t believe. We went on a crawl of the diviest bars you’ve ever seen – places I didn’t even know existed, that I’d have assumed would have been shut down decades ago. We ended up in some sleazy jazz place where someone happened to have a sax for Bill to play …’
Kerry raises a brow. ‘So what time did you roll in?’
‘About midnight, so pretty restrained, though I heard some of them were still at it at six a.m.’
‘Rob,’ Kerry says cautiously, ‘you sound almost … jealous. Like you’d quite enjoy being one of the basement boys too.’
He grunts. ‘Yeah, well, at least they have a laugh and aren’t stuffed with self-importance. And at least … Freddie, get down off that fence!’ He hurries towards him, stirring Rafferty from his nap as he grabs Freddie’s hand, coaxing him back down from his vantage point by the monkey enclosure. Things escalate further when Freddie starts running away at any opportunity, hiding behind ice cream kiosks and leaping out, laughing uproariously.
‘God,’ Kerry mutters to Rob. ‘He’s being such a handful today. I think meeting Rafferty has really freaked him out.’
‘But he had to sometime …’
‘Yes, of course.’ Thank God for Mia, Kerry reflects, who’s clutching her ice cream cone and admiring the pelicans, seemingly unfazed.
They stop for lunch, occupying a picnic table while Rob bottle-feeds Rafferty. The sun has come out – it’s a beautiful fresh May afternoon – and the day is panning out better than Kerry could have hoped.
‘It’s funny,’ she says as the children wander over to inspect the owls. ‘I’d sort of dreaded today. The thought of it was actually making me feel physically ill.’ She smiles ruefully.
‘Yeah, me too,’ Rob murmurs.
‘But …’ Kerry starts, ‘it’s almost like old times, isn’t it? Apart from this little addition.’ She indicates Rafferty who is fully alert now, checking out the world with intense brown eyes.
‘Yes, I’m relieved actually, that we can do this. Maybe, when he’s a bit older, I’ll be able to bring all the kids to places by myself. But for the moment it’s good that you’re here.’
Kerry studies him, still able to appreciate his striking face which, irritatingly, retains its handsomeness even after the tram enthusiasts’ excesses.
‘What would Nadine think,’ she asks hesitantly, ‘if we had the occasional day out together?’
He looks at her, then quickly pulls his
yes-I-am-paying-attention
face as Mia points out the snowy owl. ‘Daddy look, look! He’s
so
cute …’
‘Yes, darling, I see him.’ Then he turns back to Kerry and smiles. ‘I don’t see how she can object, can you? You are my family after all.’
When Rob arrives home after saying goodbye to Kerry and the children, the flat feels even smaller than when he’d left that morning. Nadine’s fairy lights and
objets
look tacky and cheap now the place is strewn with baby blankets and bottles containing the dregs of formula. Rob sets about gathering them up, stuffing grubby babygros into the washing machine and giving the bottles a thorough scrubbing at the sink with the wire brush.
For such a small person, Rafferty seems to occupy an enormous amount of space, and not just due to his vast collection of equipment. It also feels as if they – he and Nadine, that is – are somehow contributing to the general stale airlessness of the flat, due to all the fretful pacing that goes on. In fact, Rob is building up to suggesting a move. The fact that this is Jens’s flat makes him extremely uncomfortable, as if Nadine’s father might show up unannounced at any moment and barge his way in, demanding to know why Rob isn’t MD of the company yet. Plus, once Rafferty is up on his feet and toddling around, he’ll really need a garden. It’s all very well living in W1 but even in Bethnal Green Mia and Freddie had a backyard.
Rafferty has been snoozing while Rob has cleared up, and now he’s wide awake and requiring attention.
‘Hey, Raffie-boy,’ he murmurs, picking him up from his seat and carrying him to the living room window. ‘Did you enjoy the zoo? Will you remember any of that – the baboons scratching their bums and the lion doing a huge poo?’ He smiles as his son’s eyes seem to bore into him. ‘Where d’you think Mummy is anyway?’ he muses. ‘Maybe she’s gone shopping, or to meet someone … that’s good, isn’t it? Give her a break from us for a bit longer …’
Perhaps he’ll start preparing supper – something he can heat up quickly when Nadine comes home. But when he peers into the fridge, there’s nothing there but two bottles of formula, a packet of suspect-looking feta and a solitary egg.
A take-away, then, from the veggie Thai place he knows she approves of. That’ll be easy, and they deliver too. Still carrying Rafferty, Rob goes through to the bedroom to fetch his laptop and Google their number. While he perches on the edge of the bed, he notices a sheet of A4 paper on his pillow.
Nadine’s handwriting isn’t the most legible at the best of times with her over-fondness for superfluous squiggles, but this is even harder to read than usual. He squints, gently placing Rafferty on the bed beside him as he deciphers her words.
Dear Rob,
I hope you all had a lovely day at the zoo. Of course I didn’t mind you going – why did you think I would? In fact it suited me because I needed to do something by myself. By the time you read this I’ll be on a flight to Zurich.
I’m going to stay with Mummy and Daddy. I can’t do it, Rob – can’t spend another day in this miserable flat pretending to be a proper mother. It feels so surreal. You’re far better at it than I am. You’re the only person in the world I’d trust with Rafferty and that’s why I’m not coming back.
I’m sorry. I know this will majorly screw things up for you but I’m sure you’ll cope. You’re the most capable man I’ve ever met. And I also know that Rafferty is lucky to have such a kind and loving dad.
All my love,
Nadine
Rob doesn’t know how long he sits there holding the note. Wondering if it’s just a sick joke, he half-expects her to appear at the door, saying, ‘
Now
d’you see how hard it is for me?’ When she doesn’t, he tells himself it’s just a blip, and she doesn’t really mean it – a few days with her parents and she’ll be fine. After all, doesn’t everyone want to run away sometimes?
When he glances down at Rafferty on the bed, his son has fixed him with an unwavering stare. Rob picks him up, supporting his head and breathing in the sweet, milky scent of his skin. What if she does mean it, and this is
it
? Why the hell hadn’t she said something? Perhaps she had, and he hadn’t been listening. As Rafferty mews a little in his arms, Rob gets up and walks to the bedroom window, blinking away tears and simultaneously fishing out his phone from his pocket to call her mobile. Voicemail of course.
‘Nadine, please call me,’ he says, his voice cracking. His son seems unsettled, writhing in Rob’s arms until he pulls back the curtain so he can see the cloud-streaked sky.