Authors: Amanda Prowse
Jacks shouted up to her mum and instructed the kids that they needed to get a wiggle on. She went out to the car, switched on the ignition, and sat there and waited, watching as Ivor jumped into his van and roared away. She blushed, feeling like an intruder, as she caught the kiss Angela blew down from the upstairs window to her man.
Jonty jumped into the back seat. ‘I don’t think these photos are what I’m supposed to be taking.’ He thumbed the prints in his hand. ‘You and dad are teenagers in these photos and not babies and Mrs Palmer said we had to take pictures of you when you were a baby. These are rubbish.’ He sighed.
‘Just tell Mrs Palmer that they’ll have to do for now and I’ll have a search in the loft at the weekend, okay?’
‘Be too late at the weekend, I need them now,’ he muttered and immediately opened his comic.
Martha seemed to be taking an age and when she did appear, she was carrying a holdall that looked heavy. ‘Do you need a hand? What have you got in there?’ Jacks asked as she stowed it on the back seat next to her little brother.
‘Just some of my stuff.’ Martha spoke to the window as she buckled up her seatbelt.
‘What do you mean, “some of your stuff”?’
Martha pulled back her shoulders as though this more determined stance might give her the confidence she was looking for. ‘I just told you five minutes ago! I’ve decided I’m going to stay with Gideon and his mum for a bit.’
Jacks laughed, a sharp snort of shock. ‘Don’t be so silly, Martha! Of course you’re not. Put your bag back in the house!’
Martha shook her head and adjusted her seatbelt. ‘I’m not being silly. And if you don’t want to take me to school, I understand. I’ll get Gideon to pick me up.’
Jacks twisted so her back was against the driver’s side window; she wanted to face her daughter. ‘What are you playing at? There’s no need for dramatics. You can’t be serious. You think I’m going to let you go and shack up with your boyfriend and his mother, God knows where, so you can do God knows what? Of course I’m not! You’re a child! You’re still at school!’ The last words came out more as a squeak.
‘Mum, I’m going. I need a break.’
‘
You
need a break?’ Jacks didn’t know what to say, she felt completely numb.
‘Yes, I do! Every time you look at me, I feel guilty, sick and I don’t want to feel like that.’ She ran her hand over her stomach. ‘I know you are angry and hurt, but you can’t punish me every day, it’s not fair and it’s making me feel ill and anxious and I can’t go on like that.’
‘No, it’s not like that, Martha! I love you. And I want to be there for you and the baby. You need your mum!’ Even to her own ears she sounded desperate.
‘Oh God!’ Martha ran her hands over her face in exasperation. ‘That’s a new one! That’s not what you’ve said so far and I’m not falling for it now just so you can keep an eye on me all the time and stop me going to see Gideon. Who, by the way, is not the enemy, he’s my boyfriend and he’s sweet, which you’d realise if you bothered to get to know him, which you haven’t. He’s reading a baby book and every night he phones me before I go to sleep and tells me what he’s learnt and what’s happening to the baby and what we can expect. But instead of being with him, looking at the pictures and asking questions, I’m lying there, whispering, in a cramped room opposite my little brother, who’s got Spiderman posters on the wall!’
‘I can take them down if you want me to.’ Jonty’s small voice came from the back seat. Jacks had quite forgotten he was there.
Martha was crying now, hot, angry tears, but she smiled back at her brother. ‘No, you don’t have to do that, Jont. They’re fine. I was just saying it’s a bit too squashy for both of us.’
‘I could go in with Mum and Dad?’ he suggested.
Jacks felt her lip tremble, overwhelmed by her son’s kindness. She indicated and pulled away, not wanting to make him late for school.
When they got to the school gates, Jonty ran inside with the comic in his hand. Martha hesitated in the passenger seat, slowly releasing her seatbelt.
‘I don’t want this to be any harder than it has to be. But honestly, Mum, this is the toughest, scariest thing I have ever done. And it’s as if you don’t even understand that.’
There was a moment of silence.
‘I went for my first scan – it was incredible! I got a picture of this perfect little baby. But I couldn’t share it with you. Can you imagine what that’s like?’
‘Yes.’ Jacks heard the catch to her voice. ‘I can. And I am so, so sorry. Please, can I see the picture?’
Martha got out of the car and retrieved her bag from the back seat. She was crying openly now. She unzipped the bag and threw a crumpled, grainy, black-and-white image on to the front passenger seat. ‘Have it. There’s another one at Gideon’s house.’
The words twisted like a knife in Jacks’ heart. ‘When are you coming home?’ She fought her tears, not wanting to cry there.
Martha stuck her head through the back door. ‘I guess when it feels like home.’
Jacks watched as Martha made her way along the main walkway into the upper school, lugging her bag as she went. Stephanie Fletcher seemed to appear from nowhere, linking her arms with Martha and walking tall as if her friend was the trophy everyone wanted.
She unrolled the crumpled scan and traced her fingers over the tiny white shape.
Jacks changed her route halfway home, replaying conversations in her head with Sven, Pete and now Martha. The information and words exchanged swirled in her head like a badly tuned radio with all three voices fighting to be heard. She wanted a little clarity and thought a bit of straight-talking with a certain mechanic might help.
She pulled into the road where Gideon worked. She cut the engine, walked up the driveway and was hovering by the wall, wondering if she should go in and what she should say, when she heard his ready laugh and then his words, loud and clear.
‘So it’s all good. All good, Dad. She’s lovely, I know you’ll love her.’
‘Well, I can’t wait to meet her.’
‘Shit!’ Jacks murmured. The man sounded like his son: affable, confident and calm.
‘This is a big step, son.’
Big step? That’s an understatement!
Jacks had to stop herself from jumping in and shrieking at them both.
‘Having a baby isn’t something you do on the spur of the moment, it’s a lifetime of commitment.’
‘I know. I know that.’ Gideon’s tone was firm. ‘But I love her, Dad. She’s incredible. She’s smart and I can’t believe she’d love someone like me, but she does and I’m never going to let her go. I want to give her a good life. I want to look after her and our baby. She makes me want to be a better person, if that makes sense.’
‘It does. I’m proud of you, Gideon. I always worried that because things didn’t work out with your mum and me, it might put you off becoming a dad and settling down. I’m glad it hasn’t. And I know you’ve had a rough ride. But you’re a great kid, a great man.’
Gideon laughed. ‘That’s the thing, Dad. I’m not having a go at you or Mum, but I know what it feels like to be in the middle when it goes wrong and I’m never going to put our little one in that situation. I’ll work at it. If I can make Martha happy, then everything else should follow, shouldn’t it? And I know we probably haven’t had the best start, but it’s not about that, is it? It’s about the finish, about how we end up that matters.’
The man chuckled. ‘Tell you what, son, you seem to have it a lot more figured out than I have and I’m twice your age!’
‘I have got it figured out, Dad. I want to open my first garage in the next year. Start small, but I’ve done the projections and I reckon we could expand quite quickly. Then in a couple of years, when the brand is up and running, offer it as a franchise.’
‘Wow! You’ve obviously given it a lot of thought.’ His dad sounded impressed. As was Jacks, if reluctantly.
‘I have. I can’t wait to get started, to be my own boss. I’ve come up with a whole range of services and I want to run a training programme for people who have the interest but not the qualifications, help get them started too and tie them into my business so I keep the skills.’
‘And you can do all that?’ His dad sounded a little sceptical.
‘All that and more. I’ve got mates who would love the jobs. I mean, we could do high end as well, total van refits for the surfies, conversions with living quarters, you name it!’
‘How much do you need to get started, properly started?’
‘I’ve found the perfect premises and the bank said they’d lend me some money, but they want a massive deposit and that’s where we come unstuck. I mean, what do they think, that I’ve got cash stuffed under a mattress? I’m putting every penny I can away for the baby.’ Gideon sighed.
‘I wish I could help…’
‘No, Dad, don’t be daft. Who has that kind of cash? It’s a shame, though. It would have been perfect. It’s an old lock-up with a workshop on the ground floor, a nice space and a flat above – smart, you know, like an American loft. I took Martha to see it and she got it, instantly. She’s got great vision. She wanted to put old tin garage signs on the walls and a big retro fridge in the corner and a football table—’
‘They’re all good ideas,’ his dad agreed.
‘Yeah, but pointless, cos I haven’t got a deposit and I can’t see how we can get one. It’s gutting. I just want to do right for Martha and the little ’un.’
‘You will, son. You’ll see.’
Jacks fastened her coat and walked slowly back down the drive to her car. She drove home, her appetite for tearing a strip off her daughter’s boyfriend somewhat abated. It wasn’t that she was happy about the situation, far from it; she was now more confused than ever. He clearly wasn’t some shyster about to run out on Martha and if anything this only irritated Jacks even more. She thought about Gideon calling Martha every night and relaying what he had learnt. This boy was making it very hard for her to hate him. She sighed as she thought about the cheque she had so readily destroyed and the difference that money would have made to the young couple. ‘You can be stupid sometimes, Jacks,’ she whispered to herself. ‘Why don’t you think before you act?’ As she uttered the words, her dad’s image floated to the front of her mind; she had to duck round it to check the rear-view mirror before turning right.
Nineteen Years Earlier
Gina scooted to the end of her friend’s bed, flung open the window and pulled out her cigarettes.
‘You can’t smoke in here, G!’ Jacks had taken her pillow from beneath the duvet and placed it behind her back to make a seat.
‘Why not? Your mum and dad smoke – they’re not going to smell it. And if they come in, I’ll lob it out the window.’ She sparked the flint and took a drag, letting the wisps of smoke fill her mouth and stream out through her nostrils.
‘I’d just rather you didn’t,’ Jacks pressed.
‘What’s wrong with you? You’ve been right moody all day and now I can’t have a fag in your room, which I’ve done a million times before!’
Jacks retched and placed her hand over her mouth.
Gina stared at her mate. ‘Are you going to be sick?’ She glanced round the room, looking for a suitable receptacle, then took a final drag before flicking the butt out of the window and blowing the last of the smoke outside.
‘Are you all right?’ Gina crossed her legs and sat in the lotus position as she pondered her ashen-faced friend.
Jacks nodded. ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’
‘What?’ Gina flicked through her notebook, scanning her homework tasks.
‘I’m pregnant.’
Gina sprayed laughter over her friend and leant back against the wall. ‘No you’re not, you silly moo!’
‘I am.’ Jacks stared at her friend.
Gina sat up straight and shook her head, as if trying to fathom which question to ask first. ‘Are you winding me up? You can’t be!’
Jacks shook her head. ‘I’m not joking. I am, G.’
‘Who’s the dad?’
‘Pete.’
‘
What?
’ Gina squealed.
Jacks nodded. ‘Pete Davies.’
‘But… Pete Davies? He can’t be! I knew you had that snog at Mr B’s, but you’ve always gone on about what a waste of space he is and now you’re telling me you’ve been shagging him?’ Gina’s mouth hung open.
Again, Jacks nodded.
The two girls sat in silence for some seconds. There was an awkwardness between them that they’d never felt before.
‘I thought you told me everything?’ Gina’s voice was soft, hurt.
‘I did! I do!’ Jacks pleaded.
‘Clearly not.’ Gina gathered up her books and placed them in her oversized satchel.
‘Don’t go, G! Please!’
Gina ignored her request. ‘I honestly don’t know what to say to you. I feel like I’ve been punched. You and I don’t have secrets. I can’t believe it!’ She shook her head.
‘It just kind of happened.’ Jacks sat with her eyes downcast.
‘These things don’t just “kind of happen”. You make them happen.’ Gina paused. ‘Do your mum and dad know?’
Jacks nodded.
‘Do you love him?’
Jacks gave a small shrug and nodded again.
‘Fucking hell.’ Gina picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. ‘Fucking hell! Are you going to finish school?’
Jacks nodded for the third time.
Gina stared at a spot on the wallpaper, her thoughts far away. ‘I feel like I’ve lost my dream. I thought we’d go to Bristol like we agreed, get a flat, get jobs. That’s how I saw it happening. I figured that if we did it together, it would be possible, we’d look after each other. I really wanted that.’ Gina left the room without looking back.
‘I really wanted that too,’ Jacks whispered as she slithered down her bed and buried her face in her pillow.
Jacks drove straight back to Sunnyside Road after her aborted attempt to have a go at Gideon. As she pulled up outside her house she spotted Gina’s Corsa parked further down the road. They met on the pavement.
‘Oh God, Jacks, are you okay? Last night was a complete nightmare. I’m so sorry!’ She looked at her friend, her usual smile replaced now by an expression of concern. ‘Pete turned up at our house and I didn’t know what to do! I couldn’t lie to him, I didn’t know what you’d said or whether you were home already from seeing Sven. I thought you’d probably had a row and he’d come to see Rob. I’m so sorry if I dropped you in it.’