Authors: Monica Miller
I opened my mouth to say something, but everything I could think were lies. More and more lies that would make such credible excuses and lies that would make Emma love me and hate me at the same time. Could I continue lying to her? Maybe Monica would understand it. She asked me thousands of times if there was something between Emma and I, and I always said there was nothing. Maybe now she could just… forget about this and help me out. But Emma didn’t deserve this, the way she didn’t deserve what I did.
“Look, Emma…” I started and she looked at me impatiently. “I love you, okay?” I said and nothing in this world was truer than that.
“I love you too, Matt,” she said with a shy smile. “So why is Monica…?”
I took a step closer to her and placed my hands around her as I held her onto my chest and sighed. I couldn’t say the words that were so obvious right now and I couldn’t say anything that would make it go away. I was caught into this stupid thing I did and nothing I could say or do would change it.
“I’m sorry, Emma…” I whispered as I kissed her hair and sighed.
“No…” she said as she pushed me. “You…” she tried to say something but nothing came out. The tears were falling down her cheeks faster now and she wasn’t looking at me anymore. I wondered what I should do now, if this was a good moment to tell her the truth, the way I felt that night and that Monica didn’t matter, but I couldn’t.
I just couldn’t.
So we stood there for a while not saying anything.
“I can’t do this,” Emma whispered as she turned her back on me and started walking towards the boulevard.
“Emma, I’m sorry,” I said as I followed her and we ended up walking side to side.
“Don’t make this harder, Matthew,” she said as she wiped her tears and raised her hand to stop a cab which was just passing.
“Emma, I… I love you,” I said as I pressed my lips against hers one more time.
“That wasn’t enough, wasn’t it?” she said as she pushed me away from her and got into the cab and soon enough the car was out of my sight and I was still standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
And I had no idea what to do next.
Chapter 27
Heartbreak
~*~
E
mma
W
est ~*~
I stood on Gabrielle’s couch and looked at her fluffy, red rug with a lot of thoughts on my mind.
My tears were streaming down my cheeks, although I wanted them to stop. I didn’t want to feel this way, I had to be strong and accept it like a grown up. These things happen, more often than I’d like them to. But to me? They actually had to happen to me?
I remembered the last few hours, which were still a blur because I was trying so hard not to accept it. I was aware of the fact that we were at the end of March, but 1
st
April wasn’t until next week so… What was the explanation for everything?
Gabrielle returned from the kitchen with a cup of coffee she placed in front of me and sat on the couch with her hand around my shoulders. I never thought I’d be in this situation. Never.
“How could she do something like that?” I asked more to myself because I did not wish for an answer.
Gabrielle sighed and rubbed my back, and I left my head on her shoulder.
“I don’t intend to make my personal opinion public,” she answered, still rubbing my back as the tears continued to fall. “I’m sorry this happened to you, Emma.”
When I arrived at her door, crying and deserted, I only said “Matt and Monica are together,” and Gabrielle’s eyes widened as she invited me in. She hasn’t asked anything so far, she just went and made me a coffee and now she was next to me, allowing me to literally cry on her shoulder.
“I… I want to know what you think,” I managed to say between sobs.
“Look, Emma, you should calm down, okay?”
I knew in the moment she said those words that she actually didn’t mean them. I knew she understood what I was feeling better than anyone and I just wanted everything to stop. To just… go away. I wanted to cry my heart out and along with my salty tears the pain would disappear.
Gabrielle didn’t move for a second, she just stood there hugging me and rubbing my back, handing me a tissue every 5 minutes and not saying a single word. And I thought that was amazing coming from her. This was everything I needed.
The hours seemed to pass like seconds, but I didn’t care. I wished my tears would stop, but they didn’t, and the pain was intensifying instead of decreasing.
Even though my tears streamed down my face, everything inside me hurt even more. I couldn’t see anything clear now, because my eyes were burning and I felt nauseous. But inside… Inside I knew that everything I feared most was coming to get me.
I knew from the very beginning I wasn’t worthy of him and everything I had done was not enough. I wasn’t enough and I had to accept it in order to just sit and cry, wondering why he did that. The answer was somehow obvious because I knew everything from the very beginning.
But no, I had to be the great Emma who’d risk everything because I thought I could actually mean something to someone like him. That everything would fall in the place just like the movies. But life is not a fairytale, like we’ve all learned at some point in life.
Who could blame me for dreaming? It was one of the things that made life better. Dreaming about something and trying to achieve it. And it was also the most painful thing in life, because failing at achieving your dreams is worse than life itself.
And now I had no idea how to stop feeling everything so intensely, how to stop picturing Matt with Monica not giving a shit about me or everything I said to him this weekend. Every single minute we spent together this weekend was a lie? Could every smile of his be just a lie? How can a person act like that in a moment like that?
“I’ve been through this…” Gabrielle started after a few hours of dead silence. “And you know it. And my best friend hooked up with Curtis. So I know exactly how you feel, Emma… Although, you never told her you were dating Matt or that you wanted to date him.”
“But I…I-I… I wanted to… I wanted her to understand that he was off limits…” I whispered. I didn’t tell Gabrielle that Matt and I slept together two days ago. And I had no idea how I could tell her that. She was my best friend and I knew she would understand, but I felt ashamed of that. That I’ve waited for five long years to finally admit I have feelings for him, and I made that stupid move that changed it all, and then I found out that he… He has been dating Monica all along.
“I don’t wanna judge Monica, Emma. She’s our friend. She’s my friend, and I know what she did was kind of wrong, but… I don’t wanna go there, you understand that? I’m just trying to act like a good friend, even though I’m pretty sure a friend shouldn’t think what I’m thinking right now.”
I nodded and started crying again, being aware I couldn’t change anything because I was crying my eyes out. I knew all of that, I knew Matt wouldn’t turn up at Gabrielle’s door saying it was all just a stupid joke and that he really loved me or that all the pain would just disappear if I cried for hours. But that wasn’t helping. Because when your heart is broken, your head doesn’t help that much if you didn’t listen to it from the very beginning.
“Can I… at least stay here? With you?”
“Yes, of course you can, honey,” Gabrielle said with the blink of a smile.
“I mean… Move in with you. Because now you live alone and… I can’t… I can’t live there and know I have to see Monica coming over and…”
“Wait, what? No, excuse me, but I… Why would you wanna live with me?”
“Because you’re my best friend?”
“Am I your best friend? Seriously? I thought your best friend was Monica. Then Matt. Or Matt, and then Monica. ”
“No, you were one of my best friends, I mean… You and Monica. Matt was… different.”
“Do best friends talk the way you did at Prom about me?” Gabrielle asked out of a sudden.
I gasped and remembered the discussion Hilary and I had in the bathroom. When I laughed about what happened to her. So she had known about it all along?
That wasn’t possible. Could this day get any weirder? I found out everyone lied to me and I couldn’t stop feeling all those emotions at a scale I couldn’t even imagine. And all I could do right now was cry and think about all the moments I could’ve got out of whatever happened between me and Matt.
Was I hurt? Of course. So bad.
Do I love him? Of course. With all my heart.
Do I hate him? Or Monica? No. I couldn’t hate him or her even though I physically felt my entire body was aching so hard just because he wasn’t there to make it all go away. And I knew that after all that happened, I wanted and I would’ve agreed if he was here trying to make it all okay. Even if that meant leaving aside my principles.
And do I regret doing everything I did with Matt? No. I don’t.
“Gabrielle, I…”
“Oh, c’mon, I was only teasing you!” Gabrielle said. “That was a long time ago, Emma. And I’m over it. I swear! I know you didn’t mean it. Or you did, at least that night. But you are my best friend in the world. So I guess it will be my pleasure to have you around here. At least I know I like you better than I liked that Bella,” she laughed.
“You’re awful. Her name was Becca,” I complained while I wiped away my tears. “I’m sorry, you know that, right? When I said those words I actually thought I will have a lifetime to be sorry about this. And I was right.”
“Emma, you don’t have to be sorry about it. I was a bitch,” she laughed. “And I still am sometimes, but I guess that’s part of my charm,” she said with a smirk and I managed to smile a little bit. “And you’ve been wonderful with me since you first saw me in L.A, never questioning anything I’ve done, so… You, my friend, are one of a kind. I’m sorry Matt didn’t notice that.”
“Yes, I am sorry too.” I sighed, hugging Gabrielle again.
*
“He’s a complete douche bag,” Rick stated pacing around the living room. I nodded, but no word left my mouth. “I can’t believe it!” he shouted and I thought that if Matt was here, he wouldn’t leave this place in full pieces.
I couldn’t say anything to Rick when he came over after Gabrielle’s call. He arrived at her apartment sooner than I would’ve expected and he joked as he always did before he saw the expression on my face. He sat next to me and held me into his arms without saying anything until I stopped crying. I wasn’t capable of saying anything coherent, but thankfully Gabrielle was there and she told him everything she knew. Except for the part where Matt and I were dating.
Of course Rick was mad, because after all it was Monica we were talking about and I knew so well he wanted to be with her. I have no idea if he understood why I was so hurt right now, but he never asked.
He knew that I was so hurt that summer after Prom because I pushed Matt away and I guess he thought I was over it, but now I felt everything one hundred times worse. I didn’t allow myself to get involved with him because I didn’t want to get hurt and now I allowed that and guess what? I got hurt.
“I know. I can’t either,” Gabrielle said, handing him a beer.
“I had no idea he’s her type. I mean, I get it, Ben was… something, that one was… right? He had class and he was smart and pretty rich and everything… But Matt?”
“What do you mean by that? Don’t start making it all about Monica, Richard…” I sighed and realized once more I was defending Matt.
“She’s the most beautiful person in the world. And she’s so great and when Monica laughs, the whole room lights up… The sun just stops shining, because her golden hair…”
“Okay, Romeo… This… It’s not about her,” Gabrielle told him with a weird expression on her face. “This is about your sister, Emma, who is totally heartbroken because she loved Matt.”
“I don’t… I mean… I-I…”
“I’m so sorry, sis…” Rick said, sitting next to me and placing his strong arm around my shoulder. “Would it help if I just kill him? I’d love to beat the crap out of him. Just for fun,” he said with a shrug as he ruffled my hair.
“I don’t think that would help, Richard…”
“You’re really sad, right? I mean, you only call me ‘Richard’ when you’re mad or… when you’re sad or…”
“You know, I’ll just… I’ll get over it, don’t worry,” I nodded, trying to make him and Gabrielle believe me.
I didn’t believe that. I was shattered. I wanted to lock myself in a room and cry until everything just goes away. I wish I could make all the pain disappear and when I close my eyes I hope I won’t see them there, standing in Monica’s living room, the place that was my home for three years, telling me that they want to be together.
I couldn’t even look at Matt’s face. I sensed he was feeling uncomfortable himself, but seriously?! It took me five years to get over Prom and accept that it wasn’t the biggest mistake of my life, sending that e-mail was. And then, when everything seemed to fall into place, because being with Matt was everything I ever wanted and for the first time I allowed myself to think that, he just… prefers my best friend.
How can that be fair in any world? How can he do that after the time we spent together? He was Matt, the person I thought I knew better than I knew myself. And now I realized that it’s true, no matter how much time you spend with a person, you never get to know him. No one knows anyone. We barely know ourselves, how can we expect to know what someone else thinks about us or about any other subject?
“I’ll… just go to bed now. I feel tired.”
“I want to stay with you, what do you think? We could watch
Nightmare on Elm Street
,” Rick suggested with a grin. “Or
The Woman in Black
. You’d seriously like that one.”
“Just because I have a thing for Daniel Radcliffe doesn’t mean that I want to see a horror movie with him. I prefer the innocent version of him in
Harry Potter
.”
“Innocent, that’s right cause the way you stared at his pictures really showed how innocent your thoughts about him are… But let’s not go there or I think I’ll throw up,” Rick said with a disgusted expression.
“Hey, I could pull some strings along…” Gabrielle started with a smile. “Maybe you could get to meet him. I know he’s doing this movie at Hollywood, and since I know everybody…”