Authors: Zoya Tessi
”Where is he?” Mike rushed in wildly, almost knocking me to the floor.
“In the bedroom.”
Short of breath and with beads of sweat visible on his forehead, Mike moved past me, venturing nothing in the way of conversation as he made his way directly to the bedroom. I was only two strides behind him, but still I found the bedroom door swung closed before I could reach it.
“ You
moron! I told you this would happen! I told you, but you didn’t want to listen!” I heard Mike shouting from the other side of the door. “Consider yourself lucky I was in the neighborhood.”
“Cut the crap and open that bag of yours. I don’t know how much longer I can hold off on bringing the house down.”
“Oh... you’ll yell anyway. I can guarantee you that.”
There was a brief silence before I heard Mike's voice again:
“So, this is going to hurt.”
“Fuck! Why’d you bring a needle that long? I'm not an ox, you know... “
“I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“Listen up, I’ll get
you for this and... Holy shit!” I heard Alex hissing.
“Quiet! It’s almost over.”
“Fuck you, you crazy motherfucker.”
“This is your own fault, you are aware of that, right
?“
“Back off and cut it out with the words of wisdom, Mike. If you keep on, I think I might punch you.”
“Don't you dare stand up from that bed!”
“I said... Back the fuck off!”
“You are insane! If you continue like this...”
“Move!”
The door in front of me opened so suddenly that I jumped back and could only stand in shock as Alex dragged himself over to the bathroom, limping badly.
“See Dr. Frankenstein to the door,” he tossed over his shoulder, slamming the bathroom door with such force that I winced.
“Will you explain to me what’s going on here?” I looked at Mike who was closing the rectangular black bag he’d brought with him, an irritated look on his face.
“He's a total idiot, that's what’s going on.”
“But
...”
“Look, I know he's stubborn and all, but please... try to bring him to his senses, since it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to listen to me. His leg’s in a bad shape, and if he doesn’t do the
sane thing soon then believe me, it’s a matter of days before he winds up in the ER.”
“
But... it was a month ago. Shouldn't the wound be healed by now? ” I felt my hands twitch nervously.
”The wound?
Which wound? Aw... I don’t mean that scratch. I meant his other leg.”
“The other one?”
I narrowed my eyebrows, trying to process the new information but still reeling.
“You’ve seen the scar on his right thigh, right
?“
“Yeah... but I thought it was an old injury...”
“Doesn’t matter. That bullet caused a lot of damage. So much that, after third surgery, they barely patched him up at all. To be honest, I don’t know he’s been coping with that much pain up till now, but even masochists like him have limits when it comes to endurance. If I hadn’t come today and given him a double dose of the strong stuff, and shot directly into the muscle, he wouldn’t have made it out of bed .” he shook his head, looking helpless despite his forceful words.
“Please, try to talk some sense into him.
He can’t wait until he passes out from the pain before he starts taking the medicine, OK?”
I nodded and took the glass vial he handed over.
“But I have to warn you, he won’t want to listen. Alex doesn't like to talk about it and he can be pretty hostile when it comes to advice,” Mike said as he started in the direction of the front door.
“I'll try, but I'm probably the last person Alex would listen to,” I whispered.
Pausing at the door, Mike turned around and grimaced a little, then looked up at me with a strange expression on his face. It seemed like he wanted to say more, but was unsure.
“I wouldn’t really bet on that...” he spoke quickly, and a moment later he was gone.
Somewhat perplexed by Mike’s parting words, I swung the door shut behind him and turned my attention to the bathroom, from which I could hear the sound of running water. A vision of Alex, his features twisted in pain, kept surfacing in my mind and I promised myself I would do everything in my power to persuade him to follow Mike’s advice. I didn’t rate my chances highly, even at the outset.
The splashing of running water stopped, and was replaced by a low, growling noise and then the sound of something crashing to the floor, accompanied by a loud curse. I was reaching a hand out for the handle when the door sprung open. Steadying himself against the frame, Alex was looking at me with a dark and brooding expression in his eyes, like a wounded
animal ready to lash out, and a feral one at that.
“Alex...” I began cautiously, but he put paid to my words immediately, threatening me with a pointed finger.
“I don’t want to hear anything right now.”
I watched as he slowly headed back to the bedroom, using one hand to support his bulk against the wall, and the other to rub at his right thigh. Once in the room, he flopped down on the bed heavily and brought a hand up to cover his eyes. After hesitating for a long moment, I walked over to stand at the foot of the bed.
“Mike said...”
“I don’t give a shit what Mike said.”
“But...”
“Get lost,” he sighed, not looking over at me.
“Well… can’t I get you something?”
“Just get out, please.”
“I just...”
“I'm not dead yet!” he snapped and brought his fist down on the bedside table with a crack, “If I need anything, I’ll go and get it. I told you to leave me alone!
You bloody deaf or what? ”
“Alright,” I whispered and backed out of the room
I spent th
e whole morning moving from one part of the apartment to another, trying to find some chores to occupy my time if not my thoughts. When I was done with dusting all the shelves and twisting all the stray cobwebs around an old broom, I decided that Alex had been wallowing in self-pity for quite long enough, so carrying a fresh cup of coffee in one hand and a cold glass of grapefruit juice in the other, I moved quietly into the bedroom once again. He was still lying in the same position as before and it seemed like sleep might have found him, so I set the cup and the glass down as soundlessly as I could and climbed into bed next to him.
I’d long been fascinated by how calm, even serene he
looked while he was sleeping. Where was that mask he wore to keep people at bay, to help him stay aloof and keep the chip firmly planted on his shoulder. Whether it was my good fortune or not, I’d long since moved past those high walls he'd built around himself.
Placing the palm of my hand against his cheek, I felt the prickle of his two-day beard against my skin. Alex was far from perfect, but I didn’t feel the need to kid myself otherwise. I’d accepted him for what he was, and I didn't want to change him.
Having decided to let him sleep more, I started to move my hand away from his face, when his eyes flashed wide open. I watched as his pupils dilated and then contracted, slowly bringing my face into focus.
“I'm sorry...” he whispered after a moment, and reached out to squeeze my hand in his.
“It's all right.”
“No, it’s not,” he breathed, “I
just...I can’t stand it when someone looks at me with pity in their eyes. And especially not you.”
“Alex, don’t give me that. The only thing you can see in my eyes at the moment is a desire to knock some sense into you.”
“Well, that’s a better option then,” he smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“Why don’t you stop acting like a jackass? Is it so difficult for you to take a few damned painkillers?” I shook my head helplessly.
“Those pills slow me down real bad, Princess. When I’m sluggish like that, I just can’t do my job well, that’s all.”
“And what if
…”
“There's no point in pressuring me. Trust me, this
ain't the first time this has happened.”
“And what do we do
the next time?”
“Then Mike will again honor us with his presence and his rounds of threats, deliver a fine draft of horse tranquilizer and peace will be restored to the valley once more.”
I flinched at the irony, but decided not to push the issue, since it was obvious nothing was going to change his mind. The guy was stubborn as a mule, and he’d already made up his mind.
The following week literally was the best week of my life.
Every night we’d slide under the quilt and gaze at one another in the dark, holding and caressing each other in what felt like perfect harmony.
After that, well... after that we would continue to ‘complicate’ our lives even more.
When I’d been with Tyler, he’d always initiated our rolling around under the covers, and back then I didn’t get excited about sex. To me, it seemed like all the books and movies were hyping it up, because I could find nothing too special in five minutes spent tossing around on the sheets before turning over to sleep. Since Tyler was the only guy I’d slept with, there hadn't been any other point of reference.
Things couldn’t have been more different with Alex. Words aren’t enough to express the lengths this guy could go to, only to carry me up to the heights of ecstasy, and I often found myself blushing as I remembered our acrobatics. But it was his tenderness that absorbed me most. It was not what anyone would expect from a guy like Alex and for the first time in my life I felt my heart to be full, and I was truly happy. However, neither of us dared broach the topic of the nature of our relationship. Occasionally, a palpable and excruciating fear struck my heart, that maybe for Alex this was sex and nothing more. Regardless of anything, I was completely and irrevocably in love with him.
I watched as Alex lay stretched out on his stomach, occupying almost the entire surface of the bed, and gently stroked a circle around the scar on his shoulder. Although I’d spent many hours exploring the complicated forms inked on his skin, the patterns still revealed new, unexpected forms, like the one I noticed on his shoulder blade.
Set amongst some stylized lettering in a language I didn’t recognize, and a set of flowing lines that revealed themselves as the tree of life, was an image of a blindfolded woman in a long, flowing robe, a set of scales suspended from one hand and a mighty sword held aloft in the other. I couldn’t help but wonder what might have led someone like Alex to get the symbol of Justice tattooed on his body.
I shook my head, feeling overcome by the irony of the situation. I’d spent so long trying to escape a life of fear, lies and murderous escapades, that the mission itself had become a career of sorts. Perversely, I’d fallen into the shadowy underworld deeper than I could ever have imagined, huddled against the man who might be a poster boy for that hellish world.
Covering the blindfolded face of Lady Justice with my hand, I wished I could say that I was
blind as well, and so let myself off the hook. Then, perhaps, I could forgive myself and pretend I’d stumbled into his arms naively. I could tell myself it was all his fault, that I hadn’t known what I was getting into or that he’d deceived me in some way. If I could blame the whole thing on him, maybe then I could let him go when the time came. The way things were, I had to accept the fate I’d chosen for myself, tied as I was to the mast of this burning ship, sailing into uncharted dark waters, my lips spread wide into a smile nevertheless.
The sun’s rays filtered through the glass panes to glint on tiny particles of dust hovering in the air between the bed and the window. I watched as some of the specks floated gently downward, impelled by gravity, until some dropped down around the twinkling, thick golden ring on my finger.
Since my drunken performance, there’d been no mention of our legal-illegal marriage farce, and that had to be resolved somehow. I felt my eyes becoming moist as tears started to gather, and looked towards Alex’s huge fist, which had come to rest near my head on the pillow. I knew very well why I’d let the skin swell against the ring to cause me pain when we’d argued, instead of removing the band carefully. I’d made up excuses and told myself that if I could have taken it off, I would have thrown it in his face, or out the window, or that I was keeping it only to pawn in an emergency. Lies, I know... What I didn’t understand, and didn't dare ask him about, was why he still wore his.
“
Mhh... what time is it?” Alex mumbled and brought me back down to earth.
“E
ight,” I whispered, and jumped out of bed, turning my back before bending to rummage through the closet, trying to compose myself.
“What’s got into you, moving so fast? Get back here!” he sounded sleepy and the honest demand was enough to banish all the dark thoughts from my mind in an instant.
When he saw me hesitate, he reached out to grab me by the waist, pulling me back into the bed in one fluid motion. I let out a yelp, which turned into a satisfied groan the moment I felt his lips on mine.
“Now you can get up,” he whispered in my ear and slapped me gently on the butt before sitting up straight.
“ Nice hair style, by the way. It looks like a couple of delirious magpies built a nest on your head last night.”
“
Oh, you sweet talker.” I giggled.
He screwed up both eyes, then opened one just a little to eye me suspiciously, and got out of bed to move in the direction of the kitchen. My nerves stood on end when I saw that he winced at the pain from his right leg.
“You need to get ready,” Alex
said as he was rattling through some jars in the refrigerator, “I heard from Nikolai last night, we have to meet him in about an hour.”
“For any special
reason, or what?” I asked quietly.
I went up to him and drew my arms around his waist, leaning my head against his back to stay like that as he prepared coffee, not wanting to let him go. The news that Nikolai wanted to meet me had shaken me
because I was afraid he might say that Khalil had given up, which would mean that Alex was going away.
“He just wants to see you,” he shrugged, “Maybe he wants to make sure I didn’t strangle you trying to restrain that tongue of yours.”
“You're so witty,” I sighed with relief and ran to the bedroom to get dressed.
When we turned off the highway and parked in front of an unsightly gas station located a half hour’s drive from the city, I noticed the big black car with tinted windows immediately. I turned to Alex and he understood my question without me asking, and simply nodded. For a few moments, I looked at his face, which had again lost all expression. Seeing no alternative, I got off the bike, gave Alex my helmet and walked slowly over to the car.
The door opened as I approached and the smell of expensive cigars wafted towards me, causing me to wrinkle my nose.
“You look different,” Nikolai said as I sat next to him, before bringing the palm of his hand up to the side of my head.
“Oh yeah?
I wonder who’s to blame for that!”
He might have flinched at the harsh edge to my voice, but I didn’t care. It was still a bitter pill to swallow that I'd undergone such an extreme makeover without any choice in the matter.
“Say what you have to and get it over with. I don’t wanna sit here chatting when you've pretty much ruined my life.”
Nikolai turned away to stare out of the car window, puffing thoughtfully on his cigar before speaking in a cold voice.
“I'm sorry this shit involved you, Princess, you can’t even begin to imagine how much. Thankfully, it seems like everything’s gonna be over soon and you can get back to your life.”
“Soon?”
I choked, feeling my voice begin to quiver as a wave of nausea washed over me. “How soon?”
“It seems Khalil's finally found who planted the bomb... it was some fool who owed him money. Seems like the guy thought he could solve his problem that way. I don’t even want to think about how he’ll end up...”
I was watching him speak, but the words lost their meaning at some point as I tuned out completely. What seemed most urgent was to control my rapid breathing. I gripped at the seat at my sides, feeling my knuckles turn white and my nails start to break as a hard lump formed in my throat.
“...
right now, but I think it's better to wait until tomorrow. Khalil wants to meet me tonight, face to face, and it seems he even plans on making amends. If all goes well, Aleksey can get you back to your apartment first thing tomorrow morning. It's all over, Princess.”
For several heartbeats I sat and stared at one point in the middle d
istance ahead of the car, then grabbed the door handle and exited the car without a word. Nikolai was calling after me, but I paid no mind as I headed towards Alex, who was waiting for me leaning on his bike. The one, awful word ‘over’ went on ringing in my ears.
“Sasha, are you OK...” Alex's voice woke me up from the trance I’d fallen into, and it was only then that I realized we were in front of his building.
“Yeah.
Why?” I answered after a short pause.
“Why?
You look like your puppy just died, that’s why.” he narrowed his eyes, “ What did Nikolai say to you?”
Perplexed, I blinked a few times before the penny dropped.
He doesn’t know!
“Nothing.
It was like usual. He railed on me for a while. We had a fight and that’s all I want to say about it,” I forced a resigned smile onto my face.
“You’re sure? Didn’t look like that to me.”
“Well, duh. That’s the effect Nikolai always has on me. Forget about him.” I said and entered the building.
I had only one
day with Alex and I’d decided to spend it as though nothing had changed. If there was ever a king of wishful thinking, it was me.
I’ll live this day like
there's no tomorrow. And tomorrow... tomorrow the house of cards will fall.
***
“I think that was the single most incredible experience I’ve had,” Alex spoke as he lay stretched on his back, breathing heavily as he held me tightly in his arms.
“I thought the most amazing experience was this morning.”
“Well, it was…” he laughed, leaning over to bite my lip playfully.
“Ah! That hurts! You savage!”
“Sweet angel!”
“Barbarian!
” I grinned in his face and started to tickle him.
“
Ahh... don’t!”
As I squirmed, he kept trying to catch me by the arm,
but I slipped through his grasp. Alex's deep laughter echoed through the apartment, and I tried to soak it in and memorize every line of his face, so as to keep a diary in my mind that I could open whenever I wanted. Quickly, I shrank from his embrace and held my back straight as I walked towards the bathroom.
“Hey, where are you going now?”
“I wanna take a shower,” I spoke past my shoulder and closed the door behind me.
Taking rapid, shallow breaths, I managed to turn on the shower befo
re falling to pieces completely. Holding myself steady, I let the powerful jets of water spray me full in the face, to muffle the sound of my sobs and wash away my tears, presumably down to the sewers beneath us, and then to the ocean to mix with the rest of humanity’s. To keep up the pretense till morning seemed impossible.
How
can I let him stroke my cheek, bury his face in my hair or kiss me full on the lips so that my heart leaped over the moon, knowing that I'll never see him again?
It felt like the fates were always mocking me. For Alex, I was just another mission to take care of, and he’d told me so himself,
more than once. Just another order from my father to be followed… Just, this time, one with benefits.
There are things you're convinced you’ll never do, words you know for sure you’ll never say, boundaries you think you wouldn’t cross for anything. You live in the belief that you are a person of s
olid convictions and principles and that there’s no man in this world for whom you’d cast them by the wayside. Even when they take everything away from you, the only thing that’s yours to keep is your pride. And then... then out of nowhere someone appears for whom you are ready to throw it all into the wind.
It was then, staring at the small white tiles on the wall of the shower cabin, that I realized for the first time what it really meant to love someone.
When you truly love another person, you’re fragile. Not in the sense that someone’s words or actions could hurt you, because you can be true to yourself even when you’re feeling hurt. When you really love someone, you’re willing to lose everything that makes you who you are, and you’d do it in the blink of an eye. And even if it’s all in vain, there’s nothing in it you'd regret.
Watching the water run off my body, it felt like my pride might be moving with it, exiting in the same direction as my tears, to be lost in the vast blue expanse that forgives nothing and outlives us all. It was
true, I’d lost myself, because I knew that I was willing to do anything to keep him.
Suddenly,
a swift anger took hold of me and I found myself starting to shake.
“I hate you!” I mouthed
the words, my forehead against the tiles, and I felt my lips tremble as I hit the side of my fist against the whiteness in front of me.
I hated him because I was ready to beg and plead, to throw everything that was precious to me under the w
heels of his approaching train, a gesture aimed at keeping him close just that little bit longer.