Personal Experiences (46 page)

I could hear her clicking her tongue. "Such a shame what happened, who knew criminals would break in and do that to such a gentle man and woman."

My head popped up and looked at her; her eyes met with mine. She could now tell that she had informed me of something I was not aware of.

"Uh… Elleny… Ummmm…" she didn't have time to finish. I stood up as fast as I could and turned toward the table which was beside me and flung everything on that table straight into the wall. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, I didn't care who heard me. There was another large table across from that one with another large vase, I picked it up and threw it against another wall. I flung everything off that table as well. Mrs. Mueller is looking towards the chapel doors and screaming right along with me

"Oh Child… Elleny, honey… I'm so sorry, please…"

I saw the chapel doors fly open and Curt came barging through them. "Fuck!" I heard Curt's voice. I didn't see what happened, I was still too busy throwing things at whatever I hit. I threw whatever I could find I could find. I knew what this was about and I know why.

Bear had either killed them or had some of his shithead friends do it. He always said he'd get my daddy back for the threats he made against him. He did. He killed my daddy, that's why he hadn't been home. Out of nowhere I felt huge arms wrap around my arms and waist, I fought against him with all my strength. I needed to destroy shit, just like Bear had destroyed me.

"It's ok, Elle… Honey… stop, your babies are out here." I heard Curt's voice in the back of my head. I heard Rachel bitching out Mrs. Mueller for running her huge horse's mouth and all I could do was scream because I knew I was married to my dad's murderer.

Chapter Twenty

Present Day

I was awakened by a slight pain on the side of my neck; I sat up to adjust my position. I opened my eyes and saw my screensaver flashing before my eyes. On a dining room table full of papers and electronics, I laid my head down for a minute and fell asleep. A container of veggie Lo Mein with a pair of chop sticks leaning against the side of it sat next to my head. I looked around to get my surroundings in. I found the clock; 1:05am. I got up and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water and look around again, nothing looked out of place. I wondered if he was even here. I didn't feel like going and looking for him, so I headed towards my room and opened the door. Moving in the room, I noticed the light in the bathroom was on. I walked towards the door and open it slowly, no one was there. I headed in and turned on the shower, with the day I had I needed to wash it away. I bent down to splash water on my face and started thinking. The name Natasha sat hard on my chest.

Who the fuck was she and why the fuck didn't he tell me about her. He made it so plain to me that night on the way to the airport, that he didn't have anyone serious in his life, he wasn't one to do the long term relationship, but yet Sara said they were getting ready to be engaged. I needed to find out what was going on. Thinking on this, I questioned myself, why would I need to find out what was going on, his past is none of my business, it's not like we're in a monogamous relationship or that we would ever be. Our time was done. The only place that the names "Elleny and Trevor" went together was in the past. It was nonexistent. I had to remind myself, I was married and he was my boss; that was it. He didn't owe me shit and it really wasn't my place to care… but deep down I did.

I finished washing my face and undressed to get in the shower. I washed my hair and quickly scrubbed my body, the thoughts of earlier in the day of how Sam stroked my leg made me nauseous and I wanted to wipe the feel of him away.

I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my body and then grabbed another one and wrapped it around my head. I finished by brushing my teeth and headed for the bedroom. As I walked in, the lights were on and there sat TJ on the side of the bed. He had his head in his hands and his elbows rested on his knees. I didn't say a word. I went straight to my luggage and grabbed my t-shirt and sweats. He heard me come in so he picked up his head.

"Hi" he said softly, I didn't respond. I put my clothes on and quickly used the towel to scrub my head. I had to walk past him so that I could hang up the towels up and he stood rapidly. He turned me towards him and we stood face to face. I could smell alcohol on him mixed with the faint smell of cigarettes and a woman's perfume…expensive perfume. He bent down to kiss me and I turned my head.

He disgusted me; I couldn't even look in his eyes. He was just with another woman and didn't even bother to wash her taste from his mouth before he put his tongue in mine; that was not happening. I pulled out of his grip without saying anything and headed to the bathroom.

I came back into the room, sat on my side of the bed, turned out the light and got into bed. I put my back to him. I heard the shower go on and thought to myself, at least he was going to wash her from his dick before he attempted to stick it in me, but again, he would be rejected. I heard the door open, so I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. The back of my eyes grew black as he turned off the lights and my back grew cold as he moved the covers back to get into bed. I felt his arm come around my waist, feeling him pull me into him made me want to go turn over a land a quick kick to the balls, I didn't want to be fifty feet from this man right now.

"I have a headache." I couldn't believe I used that cliché.

I felt him vibrating against me; he was laughing… hard.

"And so it begins…" He said as he continued to laugh.

I quickly flipped over and looked at him "So what beings, TJ?" he lifted himself up; so that he was sitting with his back against the headboard as he sucked both of his lips in, trying to hide the smile that was conveniently making its way back out.

"The wifely duties of denying her husband."

 I looked at him as if he was insane. Was he living on another planet? I was not his wife and I had no duties to deny him. I knew he could see the dumbfounded look on my face, but yet he continued to smile at me.

I shook my head as I said quietly "I think you consumed way too much alcohol tonight with whoever you were out with. If you were smart, you would turn over, close your eyes, and pass the fuck out. We have a huge day tomorrow." Once again turned over with my back to him.

He put his arm over my side to try and roll me back towards him, as he bent down to my ear "Awwwhhh, do I detect a lil bit of jealous there, baby? You know I am all and only yours." He stated as he licked the shell of my ear. I sat straight up, making him begin again with the laughing. Now I'm pissed; Not at him but at myself. I didn't want him to realize this, but he could see right fucking through me. I know I'm jealous; I'm so jealous I can taste the unpleasantness pushing its way up my throat from the pit of my stomach. I just got him back and now he's out with some hooker-bitch, probably spouting off to her the same lines he's used on me. But I didn't get him back…did I? He's not mine, nor will he ever be mine. He's doing exactly what I want him to do; to get on with his life and leave me alone. That little confession that he fucked out of me this morning didn't help my case of pushing him away, but I could mentally write that off as being coerced. Oh God, maybe it's me that's so fucked up in the head!

I know my face was hard. It was beginning to ache from being kept pulled so tight. I know what I had to say was going to sting but it's for his own good. "TJ, I'm not jealous, there's nothing to be jealous about. This…" I pointed between me and him "is nothing other than good reunion sex…that's it hun. You are open to do whatever you would like to do with whomever you would like to do it with. This is not going any further than where it is. You're not mine and…" I stop for a minute to swallow back the words I didn't want to say "I'm definitely, not yours".

The smile left his face. I did it! I hit him right where I needed it to hit. He needed to take in everything I just said and plant it right in the front of his brain. Then I topped it with the cherry; "the saying we used to say as kids to each other… we're bendable, not breakable… remember that? It's bullshit. We are breakable… always have been, always will be."

He sat there; staring at me, trying to read my face just as much as I was trying to keep it blank. We were both emotionless. It was taking everything that was within me not to grab him and push my lips to his. I had to end this now.

"Now, I suggest that you lay down and get some sleep, seeing as you have an appointment in the morning."

I laid back down and flipped my back to him again. I didn't feel him move. He was still sitting up against the headboard.

"You remember that first day of school; our second grade year? My momma walked me into our classroom and I looked around. I wasn't scared, I wasn't nervous; hell, we knew everyone already. Then gazin across the kids, I saw ya over in the corner with Rach and Lils." As he was talking, probably because of the alcohol, his accent was coming through. "I couldn't' believe it, Elle; I gotcha in my class. I walked down each aisle of desks, prayin'…no, beggin with the Lord that my desk could be next to yours." I knew where he was going with this story. I couldn't breathe, I closed my eyes and just listened, and it killed me hearing every word he was saying. Tears were attempting to pool in the corners of my eyes, but I wouldn't let him know that he was getting to me. I couldn't; we'd be right back where we were. I could feel him tracing the pattern of the bedspread with his finger on my hip. "I came to my desk and saw your nametag on the desk next to mine… and I knew then… right at that fucking moment, Elleny! So don't sit there and tell me we're breakable." I felt his strong arm come across me and roll me over. My eyes were still closed, but tears were dripping down the side of my head into my hair. "Open your eyes, Elle and look at me!" I couldn't stop them, they opened and I saw him…really saw him. I saw him as that little boy chasing me around the field, our second grade year, I saw him bringing me the cookie that his momma had packed for him, in his lunch our third grade year. I saw him kick Mike Edward's ass in the eighth grade, for coming up to me at my locker and pinching my ass. I saw him, our senior year of high school slip an anchor ring on my left hand ring finger; the same fucking ring that's attached to a chain, which he wears around his neck now. I saw him alright. Whether we were breakable or not, we were continuously anchored to each other from the time we walked into Ms. Wilde's second grade classroom. However bad we wanted to deny it, that bond would never be broken, that's what made us unbreakable…our bond was what we were talking about being bendable, not breakable. That's exactly how he wanted me to see him.

"He'll run off with my kids, Trevor… he'll kidnap my kids and take ‘em to those hillbilly fucks he calls family, and they'll hide my kids from me. I can't risk it. I've lost everything in my life that meant something to me. I can't lose my kids."

"Is that why we can't be together? Is that the big reason why? Shit Elle, I thought it was something big. We can deal with that, baby."

No wait…what the fuck is happening, we're backtracking here. I thought that would help my case, it didn't. I can't tell him why, he wouldn't understand why. I kept the reasoning, that JoJo and Luc were his to myself. This couldn't be happening.

"No!" I yelled and jumped out of bed. "I'm not taking any chances with my kids! No man is worth that…trust me. I found that out the hard way." I walked to my luggage and grabbed a pair of jeans and slipped them on.

"Wait, where are you going?"

I have no clue, all I know is that I have to get out of here and think. The whole situation was a storm brewing and it was fixin to let loose.

I just shook my head.

"Goddammit Elle, at least tell me where you're going?"

"I don't know… for a walk maybe… I'll be back later. Just get some sleep."

I walked up and down the streets of Burlington, feeling the chilled night air hit my face, mentally and physically revived me. I needed to think. I was making a list of pros and cons of why and why not to tell him. If I told him, he'd be pissed off enough to leave me alone. But then he'd come back with a vengeance and want to see the kids. I was fucked, if I did or if I didn't. I made it back to the hotel room just in time for a shower and to get changed for our first meeting.

I still had no idea what my plan was going to be. I walked into the dark room quietly, I didn't want to wake him up just yet. I tried to find my way around to my luggage, to grab something to put on when I got out of the shower; I had just gotten my sweats and shirt off when I heard him.

"Where the fuck have you been?" I've only heard that deep tone a few times in my life, and I knew what it meant; he was extremely pissed.

"I told you. I was going for a walk."

He clicked on the light beside the bed and that's when I notice him. He looked like shit. He probably hadn't slept all night, and add a hangover to that. He was not a happy camper. Oh shit, where do I begin with this. I have to play nice.

"TJ sweetie, we have to be in the office at nine, let's get you a shower and some food in you, and then you'll feel good to go."

"We're not going."

Oh fucking no! I was up working on this shit til all hours of the night and now he said that this was not happening? That was not an option. We had to do as many as we could to get this project done so I could leave; by Tuesday. I couldn't stay any longer; this was killing me.

"Trevor…that's not an option; I could possibly push it back until later in the evening, but they have to be done… today."

He didn't say a word. He picked up his phone and hit a number…one number.

"Morning, yeah I'm sorry to call so early. Look Chris, I need a favor. Go into Miss Barker's schedule. Print out all the appointments that she has set for today and tomorrow and email them to Sara Montgomery, please. She needs to call each one and revise the schedule for next week. I appreciate it…Thanks you too"

"Did you really fucking just do what I think you just did?"