Personal Experiences (50 page)

 He got up and went into his hotel room and I heard the door lock. I got up from the floor went straight into my room, threw some jeans and a shirt on, crammed all my clothes in my suitcase and left Burlington, Vermont.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Present Day

Three weeks had passed since my trip to Burlington and I had not heard nor seen TJ. I wasn't really expecting too. The way we had left things, I'd say I couldn't really blame him.

When I'd come home, I met with Lilly and Rachel and told them everything, even down to the nitty-gritty details. Rachel turned her face up as though she had eaten something sour but Lils…planted her elbows on the table and her hands to her chin and hung onto every word. I told them about the fight and how I had just packed up and left. I also told them how much I missed him. I was right back where I was seventeen years earlier, tending to a broken heart, but my heart was nothing compared to what I could only imagine his looked like.

I went to work and continued on my daily routine. I saw Bear once or twice and then he was gone for a week. He'd come home, do what he had to do and then was gone again. Whatever, it was the same as it was for the past seventeen years. One night when he did come home he started talking about the rumors at work about how some big-wig had bought the factory and was moving down from somewhere up north and that they were trying to prepare everyone for the takeover. I just listened and nodded once and a while.

Work was good. Mr. Stevens got his promotion and last week he ended up moving into a bigger office, I got a space right next door to his. I was thrilled to have my own area. It seemed since Loren received his promotion work had slowed down That was why when I received an email from Rachel demanding we have lunch later this afternoon, I cringed. I wasn't really in the mood to see anyone and especially talk with anyone, I just wanted to go home and lick my metaphorical wounds. So I decided to call her and get a rain check.

I picked up my office phone and dialed her number on the second ring she answered.

"Hey Biatch!"

"Rach, I'm swamped can we do lunch another time?" I started rustling around papers making it sound like I was multi-tasking.

"Nope."

I stopped what I was doing and sat straight up. I was curious why she would say no, she never said no. Something must be wrong. The first thought that came to mind.

"Are you pregnant?"

"What the fuck Elle! Shut your mouth!" ok so that wasn't it.

"What's wrong…you have to tell me something; are you sick? Oh shit! Oh god, please don't tell me your moving. Is that it, just tell me now Rach, just get it over with, because right now I don't think I could take another piece of bad news."

I heard her laughing "It's nothing bad. I just know you've been down about what happened with TJ and I wanna take you out for lunch…and maybe do a lil bit of shopping." She said, raising her voice up as she added that little bit in there at the end. Huh… shopping… who could ever turn that down. I closed my eyes and exhaled loudly…"Fine, let me see if Loren has a problem if I take this afternoon off. I'll call you right back."

"Yay!" ok I'm sitting right here call me back."

"Bye."

I hung up before she has a chance to say bye. I wrote Loren an email asking if he minded if I took the afternoon off and that I would stay later tomorrow evening to finish up everything that I needed to from today. I waited a moment and he got back to me almost instantly, he didn't have a problem with that and to have a good afternoon. I loved my boss!

I called her back and told her I could. She told me she'd meet me out front of my office building at one and be ready to shop our butts off. I said Yikes!

The morning kind of lagged, I did some paperwork, filed some away and cleaned out the storage room, finally 12:45 rolled around. I turned off my computer and stopped by Loren's office to tell him I was leaving. He had his back turned to me but I could hear his voice.

"Of course, Mr.McHale… I completely understand… I will make sure she does… Not a problem sir… thank you… you do the same."

He turned around to hang up the phone and saw me standing there. "Hi" is what he said. He knows I was going to ask him about the phone call but he just shook his head. I knew deep down that he wasn't going to tell me right now and that I had better let it go; I lifted my hand up without saying a word to tell him goodbye.

As I walked down the hallway to the elevators I had come to the understanding that I had learned a few things about myself that I had never realized. I was a fighter. Since I was eighteen I have had to struggle to keep my head above water. I did what I had to do for TJ, I kept my children safe and content and I fought for my own well-being. I did what Mona told me to do; Bear might've wanted my blood and my sweat but he never got my tears. I don't have to be in complete control to realize that all is well. It was nice giving it up from time to time. To allow myself to hear a song on the radio, throw my arms up in the air and just be free. That was the most liberating feel that I have ever encountered. I also came to the conclusion that just because in my mind I'm doing something in the best interest of someone doesn't mean I have the right to make choices that will infinitely affect their life's outcome. There again, it comes down to letting control of the situation and just sit back and attempt to relax.

I walked out the front of the building and saw Rachel sitting there in her Mustang, top rolled back, it made me smile… huge.

"Hey sweets" I greeted her. I loved my sisters. I couldn't imagine where I would've ended up without them.

"Hey Biatch!" yep… love her.

"Where we going for lunch? I am sooo ready to get my retail therapy on, baby girl!" I joked with her.

"You'll see" she smiled back. I couldn't see her eyes with those big sunglasses blocking sitting on her face.

Something wasn't right and I was getting anxious. I never liked surprises because to me, they weren't good, they were always bad surprises.

"Anything" I heard her say as she kept her eyes on the road, the smile left my face, I knew she was asking about TJ, if I had heard from him. I hadn't and I didn't try to call him, he was pretty pissed when I left him I figured he moved on. I looked down at my hands in my lap and just shook my head whether or not she saw me, I didn't really care.

We pulled into the country club that she belonged to and I looked her way. She never looked back at me, I hated being here. It was always so snobby and she knew this.

"Rach, what the fuck; I'm not dressed for this." She reached into her back seat and pulled out a bag and handed it to me. Inside was a gorgeous darker sandy brown dress with white polka dots on it. It was sleeveless and around the middle was a thin belt of the same tone. The shawl that she had was a color lighter and silver accessories to go with it. The shoes were perfect; thick platform with a thin heel. There was also a small makeup set and a brand new bottle of my favorite perfume. I looked at her and she shrugged and got out. We walked to the entrance and into the foyer. She turned to look at me and she smiled

"You go to the ladies and do your thing, I'll meet you in the bar when you are ready… k?"

I looked at her for a second and finally agreed, this wasn't going to take long at all. I went into the ladies room and locked the door behind me. I quickly changed my clothes and unlocked the door I took down my hair from the quick little messy bun I had placed in it this morning and let if fall over my shoulders. I refreshed my makeup and squirted perfume in the air and walked through. There… I was as snobby as these people.

I walked back out into the foyer and looked down the hall for the bar. Seeing the entrance was straight ahead I walked slowly.

"Ms Barker-Jackson?" I heard my name from behind me so I turned around a little surprised.

"I'm sorry ma'am…are you Ms. Barker-Jackson?" I smiled at the older gentleman he looked like he should be retiring any day now.

"Yes sir, that's me" I said politely with all my southern charm.

"Please ma'am, follow me, I've already seated your guest."

Oh ok, well I guess she was starving. I followed him through hallway after hallway, it seemed we were going to the back of the club which was fine with me; she knew I didn't like to rub noses with all those snobs. We walked to a set of double doors that were shut. The waiter waited for me to come up in front of them.

"This is where you'll be dining this afternoon."

I smiled and nodded once in understanding. He opened the doors and my mouth completely dropped open.

There in front of me was the whole entire side of the club encased in glass. Every wall where there should've been concrete wall stood a glass window. The view was nothing I had ever seen before. A lake as far as I could see glistened in the sunlight. To the right was a small pier that two or three members of the club were standing on hanging a fishing pole over the side probably trying to catch a couple of catfish to have for dinner. To the left was what looked like a medium sized outside deck that may have been built on stilts. The deck had four or five tables out there all of them had large umbrellas unwrapped and blocking the sun for a lite lunch and some drinks on the water.

My eyes came back into the room and a cold rush of chills started at my toes and continued to the top of my head. There stood Trevor at a table; dressed in a black suit, hair all groomed, totally different from the man I left behind in Vermont three weeks ago standing there looking at me. I eventually remembered to take a breath and looked to the older waiter and nodded.

"Thank you for showing me to my table." Then I remembered Rachel. There was no lunch and shopping, this was a set up. I made a mental note to kick her ass as soon as I saw her.

I turned back and headed towards the table, never looking at TJ. I reached my chair as he pulled it out for me. I nodded and sat, laying my purse on the chair next to me. He pulled his chair up to the table, set his hands on his piece of china and looked at me. I didn't look at him… yet.

"Elleny" he said my name in a soft, loving tone that made my head pop up without thinking.

My eyes met his and we just stared at each other. I was trying not to convey how much I missed him and his face was blank. I couldn't read him. I didn't need to, he opened his mouth to speak.

"We need to talk, Elle."

Chapter Twenty-Three

Present Day

I sat in front of this beautiful table setting with nothing but fear and anxiety by my sides. He didn't look happy so I knew this wasn't something good.

"You wanna talk to me… now? Three weeks ago I was practically begging you to talk to me, but that wasn't a good time for you was that it? Everything has to be done on your timetable, Trevor? Well… I'm sorry, I don't work that way." I go to stand up when I hear his low voice.

"Please, sit. This isn't about us, this is about our children. I want to meet them, get to know them. I want to be a part of their lives. I've missed out on everything. Please Elle, I don't want to miss out on anything else."

I'm sorry, didn't he hear me when I told him that fuck-face would grab my children and run off with them, what the fuck was he not getting about this. This prick was serious, he proven it in every way possible. No, this was not going to happen.

"I'm sorry, Trevor; I can't take that chance. Now if you'll excuse me…" I went to stand up and he joined me.

What if I'm not asking, Elleny; what if I'm telling you." Just at that moment he laid two documents down on the piece of china that should've been where my lunch was; two legal documents.

There were, in front of me; two brand new copies of my children's birth certificates; completely filled out. Where once, the father's name was blank there was printed in big bold letters

TREVOR JORDAN McHALE

"I've made some friends in high places."

That motherfucker!

"You bastard! Do you know what you've just done? You've signed my death certificate. He's gonna fuckin kill me, Trevor and he's gonna take my kids. No, our kids and no one will ever find them."

I went to walk away when he grabbed my arm. "Elle, wait."

I pulled my arm out of his grasp. "Wait for what, Trevor? For you to come to my house and tell my kids; a perfect stranger to them, that you're their father? Or wait for the guillotine to come down on top of me while I sleep? Then you do what you've gotta do, Trevor; cuz I'm gonna do what I've gotta do."

I walked out of the dining room and down the hall. I was so distressed I didn't know where I was going, I had to get out of there. Finally I recognized where I was. I walked quickly out the front door looking around; I totally forgot I came here with Rachel. I start looking through the parking lot hoping she's just hiding out somewhere until we were done talking but I don't see her around. I got in my purse and grab my cell phone. Just as I pull it out a large hand wrapped itself around mine.

"I want us to be together Elle…I want us to be a family." I looked up at him; tears immediately fill my eyes. I placed my forehead against his chest; "I'm tired, Trevor" I cried. I felt his hand on the back of my head; "I know you are, honey." I wrapped my hands around his sides and clenched his shirt in my hands "I'm so tired of always being strong." I could feel him now rubbing his other hand down my back. "Baby, let me be strong for the both of us; I want to be your strength." I started sobbing now, my body was trembling. I was holding onto him now because I couldn't stand without help. "I'm tired of having to live a lie, Trevor". He reached under my chin and pulled my face up to look at him; "You're free honey. You're not caged anymore; spread your wings, baby." I cried for all the time that we had lost; seventeen years, we squandered away and would never be able to get back. I cried for hurting him, for lying to him causing him to miss out on his babies growing up. I cried for the hurt I had caused my children, this was going to devastate them.