Phoenix: The Beauty in Between (A Beautiful Series Companion Novel) (6 page)

“Hmmm” is the
only response she gives him.

We all sit
together and sip our coffees quietly until Jeff suggests that he
drive me and Tahlia home, so we can pick up my things.

“I don’t really
have much,” I tell him. “I got rid of a lot of things months ago.
It was easier to travel light. I didn’t look so much like a teenage
runaway with just a backpack.”

He reaches over
and tucks some of my hair behind my ear, causing my eyes to flutter
closed. “That’s no problem. I’ll take care of you for a while.”

“Alright Jeff.
Stop filling her head with so much hope. It’s not good for
her.”

Jeff’s response
is to wink at me and kiss me on top of the head as he stands to
collect our now empty mugs.

Despite
Tahlia’s warnings, I still feel giddy about coming to stay with
Jeff. Even if my time staying with him doesn’t last long. I feel as
though now that I’m sixteen, I can finally take my life into my own
hands.

Now, I can get
a job, and in a year I can get my provisional license. I won’t be
dependent upon the kindness of others for much longer. How can I
not have hope?

***

We stay at
Tahlia’s house until after lunch while Jeff and Tahlia’s dad, Ron,
catch up and have a laugh.

I thank them
all profusely for helping me and giving me somewhere to stay, and
they tell me that it was no trouble. Although, I’m still not
convinced that they actually realised I was living there.

“Just remember,
you can come back anytime, and I’ll see you soon,” Tahlia tells me
as I leave with Jeff. She hugs me tightly as I’m about to get into
the car and stands in her front yard, waving as we drive off.

Jeff reaches
over and takes my hand, bringing it to his lips before returning it
to my lap. “Are you ready?” he asks, glancing at me briefly as he
focuses on the road.

“Yes. I think I
am,” I tell him confidently. In that moment, I farewell any
innocence I have left in me. Knowing full well that I’m being taken
as a play thing, and that I’m doing it willingly.

Perhaps when
I’m older, I’ll look back on this moment and wonder why the hell I
did it. But right now, he’s the only person who makes me feel like
more than a homeless teen, and I want to feel. I want to feel so
badly.

Last night, I
lost my virginity. I don’t know how to feel about it. I thought
that it would be better than it actually was. Especially after
orgasming the night before. But it was just…ok.

The whole thing
didn’t take very long. Jeff took me back to his house, and we sat
and talked for a while. He made me some dinner, and afterwards, he
took me by the hand and led me to his room.

Slowly, he
undressed me, unwrapping me like a birthday present. Touching me
gently, kissing me. Tasting me, preparing me.

Without the
ecstasy in my system, like it was the night before, I was nervous.
My breathing was shaky and my mind was racing, telling me all the
reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this.

Your
virginity is a gift,
it told me.
Don’t just give it away to
a man you’ve only known for a day.

I mentally told
my mind to shut up. I needed to do this. Jeff could make my life
better. My mind tried to tell me that he could make it much worse,
but I wasn’t willing to listen. He was already poised between my
legs.

“Are you
ready?” he asked, nudging his tip at my opening.

I didn’t trust
my voice to come out with the right answer, so I nodded my head
instead, and took a deep breath as I readied myself for his
intrusion.

“Relax,” he
whispered. “Relax.”

He pushed in.
Little bit, by little bit. I felt myself stretching around him.
Tearing. Stinging. Burning.

It hurt.

“Stop. Stop,” I
told him breathlessly. “I just need a minute.”

“It’s ok. We’re
going slow,” he whispered, kissing my forehead, my cheek and, then
my mouth. “I’m going to push just a little, ok?”

I nodded again.
I wanted to say ‘No. Get out’, but I knew that I’d gone too far. I
needed to see it through.

“Tell me when
to stop,” he instructed as he pressed himself deeper. I could feel
a warmth, like it was burning. But I breathed through it, and let
him move on.

Eventually, he
paused. “I’m all the way in. Are you ok?” he asked, concern in his
voice and in his eyes.

“It hurts. But,
I’m ok,” I told him, my voice quiet and shaky as I wished for this
all to be over.

“Can I
move?”

“Just a
little,” I whispered. I was trying so hard to relax, but the
burning sensation between my legs as I stretched around him, was
starting to control my senses.

“I won’t last
long,” he assured me. “You are just so, so tight.” He clenched his
jaw and moved inside me. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to
focus more on my breathing.

Within a few
strokes, he shuddered, emptying himself inside me. “Mmmm,” he
hummed, pressing his forehead against mine as he calmed himself,
whispering, “It will be better next time. I promise,” as he kissed
me softly.

Slowly, he
withdrew from me, and I felt red-raw as he vacated my depths. I’m
having trouble believing that this will feel better in time. It was
uncomfortable, painful, and well – just not nice.

I don’t think
it was anything Jeff did. He took time to make sure that I was more
than ready before he pushed inside me. However, it just didn’t feel
anywhere near as nice as the touching and fondling did
beforehand.

“Come on, let’s
get you cleaned up,” he said, holding his hand out to me. I looked
down between my legs, and while I knew it was possible. I'm ashamed
to say that I freaked out slightly when I saw the blood.

“It’s ok,” Jeff
told me soothingly, as he wrapped me in his arms and brushed my
hair back gently, whispering to me that it was all normal.
Everything was alright.

Scooping me up
in his arms, he carried me into the bathroom. Where he sat me down,
and ran a bath for me. Lifting me again, to lower me into the water
and carefully wash my skin, planting soft kisses over my face and
shoulders as he did.

Suddenly, my
eyes pricked with tears. “I’m sorry I wasn’t any good. I didn’t
expect it to hurt so much,” I whispered to him, overcome with
everything that had just happened.

He shushed me
gently. “Don’t talk like that. You were perfect. Tomorrow, it will
be so much nicer for you. I promise you that. It’s only the first
time that it hurts.”

I feel doubtful
that could ever feel nice. But so many people talk like sex is
amazing, so I’m willing to give it another shot. He tells me
there’s a lot more things we can do that will feel nice. I suppose
I just have to trust him. He knows a lot more about this stuff than
I do.

After the bath,
he dried me off, and carried me back to the bedroom. Where he sat
me on a chair, while he changed the sheets on the bed, so we could
get some sleep.

As I watched
him work, I felt a slight swell in my chest. No one in my life has
ever taken care of me like that before. It all seems a little too
good to be true, but I’m willing to give it a chance.

After a full
night’s sleep, I now feel a little sore, but I’m okay. I actually
feel better than I have a long time after spending my second night
in a real bed. I’ve been sitting watching television while Jeff is
out running some errands. I don’t actually know what he does for a
job but judging by the quality of his furnishings and car, I’m
willing to bet that he is in a similar game to Tahlia’s
parents.

I don’t think
he deals pot though, I’m pretty sure he deals in ecstasy and maybe
some other things. I don’t know. I haven’t seen anything, and he
hasn’t told me anything yet.

As I sit, I
think about how he told me that I could stay while he teaches me
something different every night. I wonder how many different sex
acts there are and try to guess how many days he’s going to let me
stay. Maybe if I’m a really willing pupil, he’ll want me to stay
longer. Maybe I could be so good to him, that he’ll start to care
about me and won’t want to let me go. Maybe I can help him with his
work in some way…

There are a lot
of maybes. The biggest ones being - maybe I should have stayed put.
Maybe I’m in over my head. I made the decision to come and stay
here while still feeling the effects of ecstasy tablets. Maybe if I
was sober, I would have chosen Tahlia’s couch.

Sitting on my
own all I can do is question myself. I’m starting to worry that I’m
walking down a road I never imagined I’d travel, and that I might
never find my way back. No matter how hard I try.

When Jeff gets
home, he’s smiling brightly. “Hey gorgeous, just wait there. I’ll
be back in a minute” he says, disappearing into his room briefly
before returning, holding a small package in his hand.

“What’ve you
got there?” I ask, nodding at his hand.

“A gift,” he
says, grinning with only half his mouth, his eyes darkening
slightly as he moves towards me.

“What kind of
gift?” I sit up straighter and look at his hand intently, as if my
eyes have the power to open it.

He sits next to
me. “It’s something that will make you feel amazing,” he tells me,
opening his hand to reveal a small bag of white powder.

I suck my
breath back sharply. “Is that what I think it is?”

“Uh huh.” He
opens the draw from the side table next to the couch, pulls out a
leather binder and places it on the coffee table in front of us. I
sit by quietly, curiosity getting the better of me as I chew my lip
and watch him prepare our lines.

The old me, the
girl who used to try hard at school and did everything she could to
be accepted, would be horrified at what I’m becoming, at what I’m
sitting here ready to do.

But the current
me wants this. I know it going to make me feel something more than
the desolation that’s constantly lurking beneath the surface of my
mind, constantly telling me that I’m not wanted, that no one
cares.

The old me left
months ago, and I don’t even want to think about her anymore.

Jeff leans
forward, and with his finger pressed against one side of his nose,
and a small glass tube held up to the other, he lets out a loud
sniff as the line of white powder shoots up into his nostril. He
sits back and continues to inhale, his eyes closed slightly as he
shakes his head, quickly, from side to side.

“Oh, that’s
good,” he says as he blows out a long steady breath and hands me
the tube. “Your turn.”

I can’t pretend
that I’m not nervous right now. I’ve never done coke before, and I
don’t feel very confident about taking it. I reach out and take the
tube, holding on to it firmly as I’m afraid that I might drop it
and break the glass on the hard wood floors.

“Ok, so what do
I do? I just…” I hold the tube and my nose as he did and sniff
back, watching to see if he approves of the way I’m demonstrating
it.

“Yes. That’s
exactly how,” he says quietly, watching me intently, the lights of
room dancing in his eyes as he seems to take great delight in
introducing me to more of his world. “Here,” he says softly, taking
my hair in his hands and holding it back for me. “You don’t want
powder in your hair.”

I smile at his
kind gesture and lean forward, pausing slightly as I look at the
neat rows laid out in front of me. Do I really want to do this? Do
I really want to become the kind of girl who just takes whatever
she is given? Do I even have a choice right now?

Deciding, once
again, to tell my mind to shut up. I place the tube in my nose and
press my other nostril shut.

Then I sniff.
Hard.

“Holy shit,” I
breathe, as the powder shoots up my nostril and into my
sinuses.

I wait, and
wonder how long it’s going to take to work. Jeff watches me
intently, searching for some kind of reaction. Then it hits me. I
drop my head against the back of the couch and breathe. I’m alive.
A few moments ago, I wasn’t. Right now, I’m alive.

“Feels great,
right?” Jeff comments, taking the tube off me and leaning forward
to sniff another line himself.

“It feels. It
feels like joy, like bliss, like everything you hear Heaven
is.”

Jeff laughs.
This huge belly laugh erupts out of him as he lays back next to me,
staring up at the ceiling. “Come into the bedroom. I’ll show you
what Heaven is.”

As we stand he
takes me in his arms and pulls me towards him, grasping my face on
either side with both his hands. For a moment, he just stares at
me. My tongue snakes out to wet my lips. I want nothing more right
now than to feel his mouth on mine.

In this moment,
I feel like I’ve won. I don’t know what, but it feels like it’s
something wonderful, something amazing. My heart feels full to
bursting, and I want Jeff. I want Jeff so much it hurts my
heart.

The moment his
lips touch mine. I wrap my body around his, clinging to him,
pressing myself against him in a wonton move, I’ve never imagined
myself doing. Surprisingly, I have this want to feel him inside me.
It’s a need, a desire, screaming from within, as my body takes over
my mind, crying to be filled. Right now, I feel like he’s the only
thing that can fill it.

I break my lips
away and whisper, with great abandon, in his ear. “I want to know
what your cock feels like inside my mouth. I want to know what your
semen tastes like. I want to make you come like you made me come
the first night.”

I lower my legs
to the ground and slide down his body, dragging my hands along his
torso and down to his waist, in what I imagine is a very sexy
movement. I glance up at him and see him watching me, a playful
grin on his face as he winds his fingers through my hair and nods
at me, letting me know that I’m doing the right thing.