Picturing Perfect (11 page)

Too many thoughts rushed through my brain. My stomach flipped again and again. I turned off the television and ran down the hall to the bathroom. I made it there just in time. Unfortunately, my mom was walking down the long hallway and heard me emptying the contents of my stomach.

"Honey, are you okay?" my mom asked, tapping lightly on the door. I wasn't ready to tell her. I wasn't ready to admit that I had morning sickness or that my relationship with Tucker was unraveling.

The old Allison could've handled it. The mom I had for nineteen years would have been the first person I would've gone to. Allison and Martin Foster would've supported me, no matter what. But, this Allison—I wasn't sure about this Allison. The new version of my mother was another person entirely. And news like this might shake her too drastically. The thought gave me a panic attack and I just knew I couldn't tell her. Not yet.

"I'm fine," I said, standing up to rinse out my mouth.

"You don't look good."

"It's just a bug. I'll be okay."

"Can I help?"

"No, thanks. I'll be in my room."

I escaped into the comfort and solace of my bedroom, knowing the new Allison wouldn't pursue it further. She'd shrug her shoulders and go about her business. She'd take my words at face value and not push any further. But, my mom—the mom I used to know—would be knocking on my door, insisting there was more to discuss. God, I missed her. I needed her so badly right now.

Instead of seeking the comfort of my mother's arms, these days I was seeking comfort in movies. As silly as that might sound, watching a movie from my childhood was soothing in a way I never expected. And one of my all-time favorites,
Pretty In Pink
, had been my go-to movie since I discovered I was pregnant. Things were so unsettled in Andie's life. She didn't think things could possibly work out. But they did. And I clung to the hope that, like they did for Andie, things could possibly work out for me.

Jason's words were more than unsettling. For years, I had literally dreamed of the day that Jason Kelly would pursue a relationship with me. But now? Seriously?

Turning the TV back on, I escaped back into the world of Andie and Blaine, where at least I knew they would get their happily ever after.

"Hey," Tucker said as he entered the townhouse on a cold and bleak February evening. He walked in, taking off his ski coat and draping it over the nearest barstool at the breakfast bar. Tonight was the night. I had to tell him that he was going to be a father.

But, I was terrified. Even before I took several pregnancy tests, I was pretty sure that Tucker and I were headed for a breakup. But, now…now we would be linked for the rest of our lives. The baby was developing and growing each day. And every single day, I became more and more attached to the tiny life inside of me. I was still just as scared as I was the day I realized just how late my period was. But, in very small ways, my maternal instincts were taking over, and I was falling in love with the idea of a child. Maybe I was naive. I didn't know. But, I did know that Tucker had a right to know what was going on. And that I was scared as hell.

I kissed him lightly on the cheek before offering him something to drink. He gave me a slight, forced smile and I felt my stomach drop to my knees. Perhaps we were closer to a breakup than I had first expected.

"I'll have a beer," he said, sitting down on the couch. "Your house is quiet."

"Mom's working tonight," I said, sliding onto the plush fabric of the sofa. The smell of Tuck's beer caused my stomach to do tiny flip-flops. My gut instinct was to take a few deep breaths…but that was the last thing I should do. It would only make the smell stronger.

I'd been lucky. No morning sickness yet. Granted, it was still really early, according to the
What to Expect
book I picked up at the local bookstore. But, I was getting sensitive to smells and tastes. Each day, my sensitivity grew and I dreaded how things would smell to me in a few weeks when my first trimester was in full swing. The thought made me shudder.

"So," Tucker said, taking a sip of his beer, "what's up? You said you needed to talk."

"Yes, I do," I said, my voice cracking. I cleared my throat and shifted my body to face him. He relaxed back into the couch, putting his arm against the back of the cushion.

"And?" He looked impatient with bulging eyes and pursed lips. Part of me wanted to avoid the truth and not tell him anything just yet. Keep it to myself just a little bit longer. But, I couldn't. I knew it had to be today.
Here we go
…

"I…I—"

"Jesus, Hadley, just spit it out," he said, looking exasperated.

"I'm pregnant," I said. Silence.

"You're
what
?" he asked, raising his voice. His eyes bulged even further and his chest heaved up and down, up and down.

"Pregnant. As in 'with child,'" I said impatiently. Did he want me to spell it out for him?

"I don't understand." He shook his head. "You're on the pill. You've
always
been on the pill. How is that even possible?"

"I know I am, but—"

"What the fuck?" he yelled, pushing himself off of the couch. He paced the small living room, his long legs stopping at the wall before walking back in the other direction. His eyes darted between me and the front door. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I knew he'd be shocked. I knew he wouldn't be happy. But, this? I'd never expected this.

The nausea I felt from the smell of his beer was nothing compared to the butterflies bouncing around my belly. I knew I was going to be sick.

I ran to the bathroom, emptying my dinner into the toilet, doing my best to keep the tears from streaming down my face.

"Fuck! Look, I'm sorry," Tucker said from the hallway. I was unable to look at him. Quickly, I flushed the toilet and rinsed my mouth out with cold water. I walked past him into the kitchen, grabbing an Altoid from my purse.

The cool peppermint eased my throat and stomach. The burn from my sickness began to calm and a slight sense of peace washed over me, combined with a new sense of purpose. I needed to be strong for the baby and myself. And if Tucker couldn't be strong right along with me, then I guess that was how things would have to be.

"You should go," I said, unable to look him in the eye. He touched my arm—a light touch of his cold, hard fingertips.

"Sorry, I just—I came here because you wanted to talk. I thought we needed a break or something…and then you tell me you're pregnant! I mean, come on! How do you
expect
me to react?" he yelled, running his fingers through his hair. He placed both hands behind his neck and stared up at the ceiling. More silence.

"I'm in shock, Hadley. What in the hell are we going to do?"

"I can't…I don't…want to have this conversation anymore."

"Do you
want
this baby?"

"What kind of question is that?" I asked, the fear puddling in my mouth.
Don't ask me to do it, Tuck. Don't.

He raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips, tipping his chin forward slightly. I knew exactly what that meant. When Tucker made that face, it's because he thought I was up to no good. Usually he made that face when we were joking around, when he'd had too many beers and I was giving him shit. But, not about something like this.

"Do you think I
planned
this? Like I'm trying to trap you?" I spit the words out, disgusted and mortified all at the same time.

"Well, the timing is really fucking weird," he said. "Can you blame me for being suspicious?"

"So you came over to break up with me?" I asked, not terribly shocked.

"I wasn't sure yet. But, yeah, I thought we might be ending it." His unemotional shrug ran chills down my spine.

"And what? You think I got knocked up on purpose?"

He shrugged and pursed his lips again. "I don't know. I mean, yeah, it did cross my mind! I hear about these girls that stop taking their birth control to get pregnant, and the poor schmuck had no clue!"

"Need I remind you that you didn't use a condom on New Years? We've always used condoms! Always! I was drunk out of my mind! And it's your responsibility too!"

"You're on the fucking pill, Hadley!" he screamed.

"Get out!" I hollered at the top of my lungs, grabbing his coat, opening the front door and throwing it onto a large pile of snow outside the townhouse.

"Goddammit!" he yelled, rushing to pick up the jacket, smacking it roughly to get the snow off the leather.

"Go home, Tucker. I have nothing else to say to you."

"Fine, but you're going to have to talk to me sooner or later."

"We'll see about that," I said as I slammed the door, quickly snapping the lock into place. Sinking to my knees, I placed my forehead in my shaking hands. I didn't expect tonight to be an easy conversation—I'd be really naive to think that way. But, I'd spent six years of my life dating Tucker. Six years of loyalty, six years of monogamy. Six years of putting his needs ahead of my own. But, now it wasn't about him and it wasn't even about me. It was about this baby. And that's how it had to be from now on.

Streamers and balloons hung from the small rec room of Sunnyside. Paper mache hearts hung from the light fixtures by red, curly ribbons.

"It looks great," Pamela said as she walked into the room. "When does our DJ arrive?"

"He should be here pretty soon," I said, glancing at the clock.
Forty-two minutes. He'll be here in approximately forty-two minutes.

Jason had visited Sunnyside twice since offering to help with tonight's dance. He impressed everyone with his friendly and outgoing personality. He was eager to talk to all of the clients. Little did he know that Lucy, Riley and many of the other women had been asking for him almost daily. I think some of them were hoping he'd get a permanent job here.

I was doing my best to view Jason as a volunteer who was simply helping the center. But, with Jason it had always been so much more. My stomach flipped in anticipation of seeing him. And I hated myself a little bit for feeling that way. Maybe it was just hormones. Maybe they were messing with my head.

I'd lost five pounds so far during my few short weeks of pregnancy. My appetite was almost non-existent and I was nauseated easily. Ellie kept our office stocked with ginger ale and saltines. She'd been great. Aside from Tucker, she was the only one who knew about the baby. I hadn't had the gall to tell my mom yet, and Auden didn't remember a thing I said to her in the bathroom.

Tucker and I hadn't spoken since I threw him out two weeks ago. He called me a half-dozen times and sent me a bunch of text messages, but I just wasn't ready. I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone when I saw his number and I couldn't read his texts either. At that point, I wanted nothing to do with him. But, he was right. I'd have to speak to him sooner or later. It was his baby, too.

"The clients are really excited for tonight," Pamela said with a smile.

"Oh good," I replied, stacking the CDs that Jason dropped off earlier that morning. I was pleasantly surprised to see quite a bit of 80s music in the stacks. It brought a smile to my lips, which was a big freaking deal. I felt like I hadn't smiled all month. It was nice.

"We're really happy to have you here," Pamela said, biting her lower lip. And suddenly I realized that my sullen attitude might have given my boss mixed messages.

"Pamela, I—"

"I think you probably know that we have a really high turnover rate. I hope you'll be with us for a while."

"I hope so, too," I said, looking her directly in the eye. I wanted her to know my sincerity about working here. I wished I could tell her that my mood changes had nothing to do with Sunnyside. I couldn't possibly share my pregnancy with her, though. My first doctor appointment wasn't until next week. I didn't even know when I was due. I needed time to process all of it before my employer knew my situation.

Pamela sighed loudly before giving me a genuine grin. "I'm so happy to hear that. I'm sure tonight will be a huge success."

"I hope so. I know how much the clients have been looking forward to it."