Picturing Perfect (34 page)

"My mom can watch Marty next week if you want to take me out on a
real
date," she teased. We'd spent plenty of time alone, but as excited as I was to spend time alone with Haddie, I got just as happy to see Marty when we returned. Was that weird?

Last night, my older sister Maya called me. She was the only one in my family who wasn't very excited about Haddie and our relationship. She was just beginning the process of a divorce. She and her husband couldn't make it work and they were going through a horrible custody battle, neither of them willing to give up seeing their child every day. Jaded would be a great word to describe her when it came to all of this. But, last night, her words stuck with me. I was unable to shake them, even though I wanted to. Desperately.

"He's not yours, Jase. He never will be. You have to remember that."

"Nice attitude," I said in revulsion. "His DNA doesn't matter to me. I love that kid."

"That's the problem."

Maya had always been protective of me…ever since I was Marty's age, she'd been looking out for me, guiding me like a mommy-in-training. But, this time, she struck a nerve. As much as I loved and cared for Marty, he would never really be mine. Haddie and I could pretend, but Tucker would always be his real father. And that frustrated the shit out of me.

"Mama, Gogo," Marty said, handing Grover to Haddie. She lit up. He'd just started labeling things and it was incredible how simple words could make us giddy. The first time he called her Mama, I was at my place. She called me sobbing…so ecstatic she could hardly see straight. Thank goodness, she waited for his nap before breaking down that day.

Haddie took Grover in her arms, gave him a hug and kiss and handed the blue stuffed animal back to Marty. He grabbed Gogo with a grin before running to the kitchen, taking a lap around the island and heading back to the room. Haddie shook her head as she stared at him with pride and admiration. I stared at her the same way. She was such a good mom.

"Dada, Gogo," the little voice startled me. Marty's deep hazel eyes were looking into mine as he handed Grover to me. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Recovering as quickly as I was able, I cleared my throat and smiled.
He just called me Dada. Holy shit, he thinks I'm his Dad. Is this good? Is this bad?
I had no idea what to think and it was written all over my uncomfortable face.

"Thanks, buddy," I said, rubbing the top of his head as he walked back to Haddie, climbing into her arms. Our eyes locked. She looked just as stunned as I felt. But, instead of looking confused, her eyes looked disappointed. There was no coming back from that reaction. I'd hurt her and I was pissed at myself for letting my insecurities take over. Of course I wanted him to think of me as Dada.
Of course I did
.

Marty sucked his thumb as he rested his head on Haddie's shoulder. It was time for his afternoon nap. Without making eye contact with me, she grabbed his turtle and blanket and carried him to his room. She didn't emerge for quite a while.

By the time she walked out of the nursery, my pulse was racing. Leaning my elbows on my knees, my foot tapped restlessly on the carpet. I hoped I didn't hurt her. She walked in silence and sat across from me in the armchair. Her hands were in her lap and she looked calm. But, her eyes told another story. They were red and puffy and I knew I caused this.

"Haddie, look I—"

She held up her hand, urging me to stop. Her eyes were closed shut as she waited to see if I'd let her speak. "You don't have to say anything. Your face said it all."

"No, that's not true." I shook my head emphatically, but she looked up at the ceiling, avoiding eye contact…as if looking at me would make her lose her resolve.

"I knew this would come up sooner or later."

"It doesn't change anything," I said, practically pleading.

"Yes, it does. We can't ignore this anymore," she said, gesturing to the space between us.

"This?" I asked in confusion.

"Tucker was right. We're just playing house. This isn't real."

"Tucker? Why are you letting that arrogant shit have anything to do with us?"

"I—I'm not, I just have to do the right thing. For
my
son," she said, finally looking me directly in the eye. But, her eyes were cold. She didn't look away…not even for a second.

Her words had bite…especially the word "my." How foolish was I to think of him as ours? She was building up a wall…with each word that escaped her lips, another brick was placed on the wall. I wanted to kick it down, tear it apart, but she wouldn't let me near her. She just stacked the bricks, shutting me out, pushing me away.

"I love you," I said.

"I know…" Her words trailed off as she looked to her side, avoiding my eyes completely.

"Don't do this. I was just surprised. That's all."

"No…" She shook her head. "Please, stop…I just need some time, that's all."

I stood and crouched before her, placing my hands in her lap. Her eyes closed tightly, as she pulled her hands away from mine. Resting my head on her knee, I realized begging was my last resort. I wasn't too proud to do it, not if it meant I had the slightest chance of changing her mind, of making things right again.

"Please, please don't."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's not fair to Marty. He needs someone who loves him as much as I do."

"And you think I don't?" I looked up at her in shock. "You know I'm crazy about him."

"I don't know much anymore. Please…just go."

"Haddie, c'mon. This is
me
."

She said nothing. Her eyes were distant, as if she was peering at me from behind the fully built wall. I searched her eyes for an answer, but she was gone. Maya was right. He wasn't mine. And now it seemed like Haddie didn't even
want
him to be. I was trapped in a nightmare. My very own nightmare that I couldn't seem to escape. I had to go. I had to get out of there before I became trapped under the weight of that wall.

Jason stood, wiped his tears from his cheeks and reached for his keys. He took his copy of my key off his key ring and placed it on the coffee table. He looked at me one last time, pausing, but I was unable to speak. I was too terrified to let him stay. He'd broken my heart years before. And I couldn't let him break my son's heart, too. I just couldn't.

It had been two weeks since Jason kissed me at Bill's Pub. Since that night, I'd been walking on clouds, imagining us together—him giving me a corsage at the Prom, taking me to movies on the weekends, calling me his girlfriend. I was so excited. I didn't have a lot of experience with boys, so it didn't bother me when he didn't call me. In fact, I thought nothing of it.

When I arrived at the Kellys' house that Saturday afternoon, my heart was trembling inside my adolescent chest. I couldn't wait to see him, talk to him, and hopefully kiss him again. Would he kiss me in the hallway? Or maybe pull me into the walk-in pantry and kiss me there? Would he sneak me away to talk? Would he be as excited to see me as I was to see him?

I was ecstatic when he answered the door. But, he looked different. He looked concerned and a little annoyed. His brow furrowed as he opened the door for me.

"Hey," I said with a large smile, hoping my enthusiasm would be contagious.

"Hey," he said, looking away from me. "Auden's in her room."

"Oh," I replied with a weak voice. Like a moron, I stood there staring at him for a minute, simply trying to process what on earth was happening. But, he never looked my way. He just closed the front door and walked away from me.

That was that. He'd kissed me and dropped me. He didn't want me. I wasn't good enough for him. No explanation, no apology. Everything I had spent years dreaming about had been in the palm of my hand and he'd ripped it away. Instead of walking to Auden's room, I let myself out of the Kelly house and didn't return for a very long time…not until Jason left for college.

The moment Marty said "Dada" Jason made that face…the exact same face he'd made that Saturday afternoon. The day he split my heart in pieces and walked away like I was nothing to him. And in that moment, the protective Mama Bear came out in me. I never wanted my boy to feel that way. He deserved so much more than that.

To be abandoned by someone like Tucker was one thing. He was never really involved and had only seen his son a couple of times. But, Jason had been with us almost every day since Marty was born…and if after a year together, he was able to make a face like that, then I needed to protect myself…and my son.

Being abandoned by Jason Kelly was the worst pain I could possibly imagine. Worse than that awkward Saturday afternoon at his front door. Worse than Tucker being a deadbeat dad who didn't believe Marty was really his own.
Worse than anything else I could possibly think of.

So, I had to push him away and make a clean break. I didn't want him to wake up one day and feel trapped…like I tricked him into becoming a father. Jason had to do things in his own time. That face told me he was
not
ready. I'd been so selfish…practically forcing him to go through the motions of being a family. I needed to protect us. All of us.

"Seriously?" Auden asked from the other side of the door. I snarled at her as she entered the apartment. In her arms, though, was something unexpected…and my heart skipped a beat the moment I saw it. A basket. Only one person in my life left baskets in front of my door.

"Where'd you get that?" I asked, pointing at the simple basket.

"It was outside. I know who it's from, though."

"I do, too."

"When was the last time you showered?" she asked, looking disgusted. Granted, it had been a couple of days. I hadn't exactly been motivated since I pushed Jason out of our lives.

"Just give it to me, brat," I said, reaching for the basket. She pulled it away, out of my reach.

"No…I'm pissed at you."

"Why? What the hell did I do to
you
?"

"What do you think? Jase is miserable…and you did that to him."

"We did it to each other."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "You're punishing him for shit he hasn't done." She held her hand in front of her mouth, looking around the room for Marty after dropping a curse word.

"Marty's napping, but watch your mouth. He's starting to babble a lot lately."

"Yeah, I
heard
." Her words stung. Jason must have told her about "Dada." My heart was breaking all over again.

"For God's sake, Auden, give me a break!" I lashed out, glowering at her.

"Fine, take it," she said, rolling her eyes, passing me the basket. "But, if you don't know my brother is completely in love with you, with
both
of you…then maybe you don't know him at all. And maybe you don't deserve him."

"You don't understand. He made a face. The same face he made a long time ago…"

"What face?"

"Okay, so I never told you this, but years ago at Bill's, Jason kissed me by the bathroom."

Expecting a look of shock and awe from my dramatic friend, I saw nothing but a blank stare.

"Did you know already?"

"I saw you." Her blank stare turned to a face of uncertainty. She looked guilty.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I did…only not to you." She bit her lip, looking nervous.

"What do you mean?" I tipped my head to her, raising both eyebrows in irritation.

"Shit…Had, I'm sorry. I was angry. So…I yelled at Jason when you went home the next day. I told him to back off."

"What? Why did you do that? You knew how I felt about him!"

"We were fourteen! I didn't want to share you. And seriously, if you two had dated, that's what would've happened. Three's a crowd."

"Wow."

"I know it was selfish. But, I mean, we were kids. And when I saw you two, I panicked. I couldn't stand to break your heart, but I
couldn't
lose you."

"Oh my god, that's why you pushed me to date Tucker."

She nodded, scrunching her nose, knitting her brow.