Pink Butterfly (5 page)

“So what’s up with this brother of yours in Colorado? Should I be worried at all?” Melvin asked concerned for his safety.

“Rudy?” Gunnar asked. “He’s cool, lives alone in a nice place out in the country. One of those “Live off the land” types.”

“Oh fucking great,” Melvin moaned in disappointment. “Take me back and let them fry me again please.”

“He is a tad bit eccentric I will admit, kind of a loner, but if you keep to yourself and leave him alone, everything should be fine.”

“Tell me about him,” Melvin stated, grinding his teeth and wringing his hands.

“Well, he’s twenty eight, never married, no kids, lives off the land for the most part and makes a living selling coon skins and trapping beaver.”

“Sounds like Davy Crockett.” Melvin grumbled. “You expect me to eat beaver?” Wait a second, that didn’t come out the way I meant.”

“Stop bitching!” Gunnar snapped back. “If you really want to die all that bad, open the door and jump out. Eighty miles per hour on the interstate should kill you I’d think.”

Melvin slapped his leg with his hand and looked out his side window pissed.

“Let me tell you a little story about Rudy you might enjoy, I think you will really like him,” Gunnar said trying to calm things down. “One time Rudy was out deer hunting. It was early in the season so he decided to go out in a shirt and jeans and rough it the best he could. Rudy doesn’t believe in hiding in a tree, wearing camouflage and dousing himself with skunk pee. He thinks man and deer should have an equal chance at a fair fight. So one morning he spies a buck and jumps out from behind a tree with only his bare hands and a stick. He felt since the deer had antlers, he at least deserved a pointy weapon.

Well you would expect the deer to bolt away in fear and take off into the woods, but not this one. The deer staggered over to Rudy and asked him to see his deer hunting permit and operator’s license.”

“What?” Melvin asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, freaky isn’t it?” Gunnar replied. “I couldn’t figure out why the deer wanted to see Rudy’s operators permit since he didn’t drive out to the woods in the first place. I could see him asking for a gun permit if he had a gun, but all he had was a stick and you don’t need a permit to carry a stick.”

“Did you realize you said the deer was talking?” Melvin asked.

“The deer wasn’t retarded,” Gunnar snapped back. “He just asked an odd question.”

“Go on.”

“Well, Rudy didn’t have his operator’s license with him or his hunting permit because he left them both back at home on his night stand. So the deer makes Ruby a proposition and challenges him to a trivia contest in lieu of a physical battle since legally Ruby had no permit on his person. Impressed with the deer’s cunning and quick thinking, Ruby agrees to the contest.”

“Who host’s the contest? A squirrel?” Melvin asked with a laugh.

“This is serious, now pay attention or you won’t understand the story.”

Melvin let out a little fart and continued to listen to Gunnar’s story.

“The deer proposed that each contestant would ask three trivia questions based on a category chosen by the opponent. The contestant with the most correct answers at the end of the contest would be proclaimed the winner and would be given a plaque or trophy to be determined at a later date.”

“How did they decide who went first? Deer don’t have opposable thumbs and can’t flip a coin.”

“Gunnar didn’t tell me that, now shut up and listen. The first question was to Rudy and the category chosen was world history. The question was, “What three countries constituted the Axis of Evil in World War 2?”

“I know,” Melvin said holding up his hand like a fifth grader.

“I’m not asking you the question, I’m telling a story,” Gunnar replied sternly. “Rudy didn’t finish high school and never took world history. Why he chose that category is beyond me and he had no clue what the answer was. The deer even gave him a few hints and Rudy didn’t get any of them right.”

“And you want me to live with this nut?” Melvin asked.

The next question was to the deer and the subject it chose was Renaissance art and artists. Well, of course Ruby had no clue what the Renaissance was to start with so the question was pointless. The deer tried to give Rudy a question to ask but that was also pointless since the deer would already know the answer.”

“I take it the deer won,” Melvin stated.

“I’m not done with the story, geez.” Gunnar replied and then shut up and drove the truck without uttering another word. For the next ten miles the cab was silent except for the faint sound of country music coming over the speakers and the whistling of air thought the cracks in the cab.

“Germany, Italy and Japan,” Melvin said aloud breaking the silence. “That was the Axis of Evil in World War 2.”

Gunnar continued to be silent and ignore Melvin.

“Did you know Michelangelo was gay?” Melvin asked.

“The turtle from the Ninja Turtles was gay?” Gunnar asked in reply.

“No, the guy who carved the statue of David? Painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?”

“No idea who you’re talking about,” Gunnar said as a matter of fact. “If it’s not painted on a beer can, or tattooed on a hot woman’s ass, I could care less about art. Art’s for sissies and girly men.”

“When is the next rest stop? I got to piss,” Melvin asked.

“Piss in that bottle on the floor,” Gunnar replied. “Then toss it out into the ditch. I can swerve over closer so you don’t hit the asphalt and spray your piss back onto my truck.”

Melvin picked up the bottle and examined it to make sure it was reasonably clean. He unzipped his pants, pulled out his pecker and pissed in the bottle till it was two thirds full. “Good thing I didn’t have to take a shit,” he added screwing the top back on the bottle. “I’m ready to throw,” Melvin said rolling down the window.

Gunnar eased the truck over to the right and waited for Melvin to toss the bottle of pee. He didn’t. “What are you waiting for?” Gunnar asked yelling over the wind coming from the open window.

“I want to see if I can hit a sign with the bottle,” Melvin yelled back.

“They don’t put signs along the interstate dumbass! It’s against the law! Now toss the bottle!”

“Really?” Melvin asked with a curious look on his face. “I didn’t know that.” With an internal count of three, Melvin tossed the bottle into the grassy ditch and watched it bounce once and fade into the darkness of the night. He then rolled up his window and resumed sitting where he was before he had to pee.

“Better?” Gunnar asked.

“Got anything to eat? I don’t remember having a last meal and I’m starving.”

“No, I didn’t bring any food along. This wasn’t a trip I was planning ahead for you know. It’s not everyday someone wakes from the dead on the embalming table.”

“You make an interesting point there actually,” Melvin stated with a curious tone. “Is there a chance I was dead and now am some sort of zombie, or ghost, or the living undead? Did you check my vital signs before you tried sticking your needles in me?”

“The doctor at the prison does that, we just take the body and get it ready to bury. We have a contract with the state.”

“So you are saying a board certified medical doctor proclaimed me dead, released me to the under taker and now I’ve come back from the dead?”

“Chances are the doctor was drunk or high or didn’t even bother to check your vital signs and wanted to get back home to watch television. I doubt you were dead and now the doctors fuck up is your gain,” Gunnar replied.

“But you don’t know that for sure. There is a chance I was dead and came back to life!”

“Check your pulse, see what you get,” Gunnar stated looking at Melvin’s arm.

Melvin placed his first two fingers on his right hand on the underside of the left wrist and waited to feel a pulse. He then switched his fingers to his neck to feel the pulse there.

“Well?” Gunnar asked.

“It’s thumping pretty good,” Melvin replied.

“See, you’re not the undead.”

“Wouldn’t the undead need a pulse as well? I mean how does the undead clean the waste products from the blood? Why would I be hungry if I were undead?”

“See, I told you the doctor fucked up. You never died. You probably went into shock, had a weak pulse and slow breathing and he figured that since you had smoke coming off your scalp you and you weren’t twitching, you were probably dead. He signed the papers, went home and crashed in front of the television. If you don’t like it, sue him for malpractice. If I were you, I’d shut the fuck up and take the break you’ve been offered.”

“You don’t have to get all pissy,” Melvin snapped back. “I just thought it would be cool to be the undead. As far as I know, I would have been the only undead there is, at least in this state.”

“Fine, let’s pretend you’re undead and move onto a different conversation. We have one and a half more states to drive across before we get to my brother’s house so let’s find something we can talk about that won’t have us at each other’s throats”

Melvin slid down in his seat like a scolded child and shook his head biting his lip biding his time.

While stopped for gas and snacks, Melvin decided to spend some time browsing at the adult book and novelty store attached to the truck stop mini mall. Gunnar was busy looking for chips and soda while reading the muscle magazines from the magazine rack in the convenience store next door. Melvin didn’t have any cash but found window shopping in a store full of sex toys fun.

“May I help you?” a young female clerk asked Melvin who was in a trance comparing different rubber penis’s wrapped in bubble packs up on the wall.

“Oh, I’m just killing time waiting for my buddy next door,” Melvin replied with a nervous smile.

“Don’t be nervous,” the woman said touching Melvin’s arm. She was as tall as Melvin, long brown hair and sexy eyes, the kind of woman you would expect to see in any of the ads in the store. “Do you have a special lady that would like to try something new?” she asked.

“Not right now,” Melvin replied. “I’m sort of between relationships.”

“Don’t let that stop you,” the clerk joked. “There is plenty here for a single man as well. We have all sorts of masturbation aids and life like silicon dolls that feel like the real thing.” The clerk took Melvin by the arm and walked him over to the wall with the products she was describing. “Look at this for example. A realistic silicon pussy with three different vibration adjustments, over here is a different style with a longer tube but no vibration.”

“I don’t really think I need a rubber pussy,” Melvin said in a disappointed tone.

“Why not?” the clerk asked. “We women have been using rubber dicks for years and proud of it. Every woman has a collection depending on her mood. It’s nothing to be ashamed of you know.”

“I think it’s different for men. Once you stick one of these things on your dick, it basically says you’ve given up and you’re a loser.”

“Not at all!” the woman replied. “The only loser is the man who is too ashamed to experiment and have fun.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Melvin asked the clerk.

“Sure, I know a lot about these, we sell a lot of them.”

“No, not about these rubber pussies, about you.”

A little surprised, the clerk raised an eyebrow and shrugged her shoulders. “Sure, what do you want to know?”

“What’s it like working in a place like this? I mean, this is some pretty intimate stuff we’re talking about. Everywhere you look you see dicks and pussies and pictures of people having sex and sexy lingerie and lotions and all this sex stuff. It’s the sort of thing people do behind closed doors and you talk about it like you’re selling insurance.”

“It’s part of the job,” the clerk replied. “If I were selling insurance, I would talk like an insurance agent. Instead I sell rubber dicks and talk about rubber dicks.”

“I see,” Melvin said thinking hard and biting his lip. “So how do you go about selling a rubber dick to someone? Do they ask you how they feel?”

“All the time,” she replied.

“Do you try these out?”

“I sample most of the products we sell yes.”

“For some reason I find that odd.”

“Sex is sex, people need to get past the hang ups and have fun. I can tell you the best sellers we have in the store, I can tell you which dildos do the best job and I can tell you what crap to avoid. I’m very good at my job and have been the top sales girl for the last six months.”

“How far are you willing to go to make a sale?” Melvin asked with a sly grin.

“I don’t know, test me,” the clerk replied.

Melvin looked around the shop at the various creams, lotions and sex aids and thought hard about how he could test her. “Let’s say I was shopping for my wife’s birthday and I wanted to get her a rubber dick. How would you show me the difference between them?”

The clerk motioned for Melvin to follow her over to the dildo section and together they walked past the cream and oil section stopping next to a large purple dildo. She reached down under the cabinet and pulled out a demo model and set it on the counter next to the oil. The dildo had a suction cup at the base that puzzled Melvin.

“What’s the suction cup for?” Melvin asked pointing to the base of the rubber penis.

The clerk picked up the dildo, spit on the suction cup and stuck it to the wall waist high. She pulled up her short skirt, slipped down her panties and proceeded to mount the dildo allowing it all the way into her vagina. She then began to rock back and forth against the wall, pumping the rubber like it was a real man and began to moan. “See, the suction cup allows you to mount the cock anywhere you want, on a wall, on the floor. It just has to be wetted down first and placed on a clean surface.”

Melvin felt his pants begin to bulge watching this girl screw the rubber penis and turned in embarrassment. The clerk, sensing Melvin was bored dismounted the rubber dick and let it stick to the wall, wet and slimy.

“How do you get it off the wall when you’re done?” Melvin asked facing away from the clerk hiding his erection.

“There’s a release button on the side,” the clerk asked. “Are you ok?” she asked.