Planet Janet (13 page)

By the time I got back to the kitchen Elvin and the Abominable Brother weren’t watching the film any more; they were talking about some photographic exhibition Justin’s going to see next weekend! Really!!! As if anybody’s interested. Trust my brother to be mute for most of his adolescence and then decide to make up for all those years of silence the first time I bring a potential boyfriend home. I put the kettle on. I suggested that Elvin and I could have our tea in my room, but Elvin said he was fine where he was. I drank my tea and watched the film while Justin tried to bore Elvin to death. I could feel depression descending, but I acted cheerful and normal. I don’t want Elvin thinking I’m moody this early on. And also I have to consider my skin. My skin always erupts when I’m depressed – because of the stress. As soon as the film was over, Justin said he had stuff to do and left. ALONE AT LAST! I wanted to cry out loud with joy! But not for long because then Elvin said he had stuff to do too and better shake a leg. As soon as Elvin left I went to Justin’s room to kill him, but he was already in his darkroom (that locks, of course!), so instead I went to Disha’s for the night. (I used to wish that the Paskis would adopt me, but since the Night of the Fire Engines Mr Paski’s been more in the mood to have Disha adopted than take me on.) Disha said what happened with the ink was I didn’t use a laundry marker; I just used a coloured pen. It’s all the Mad Cow’s fault because we didn’t have a laundry marker, did we? Sometimes I think she does these things on purpose.

Disha says she doesn’t remember saying anything to Elvin about my brother taking pictures. She thinks Calum must have. I’m beginning to see some advantages to having a brother who doesn’t speak.

The Chinese film was well wicked! Neither Disha nor I really like martial arts films (one time over at Nick’s the boys were all watching a Bruce Lee movie and Disha and I talked through it because it was sooo cheesy and boring, and they told us to leave). Fight scenes are as tedious as car chases if you ask me. But this was different. This was more like a cross between Jane Austen and
Peter Pan
because there were two great love stories in it and the people could fly. And also the fighting was absolutely brilliant and not just the men, which, if you think about it, is still pretty unusual. The boys liked it too, even though it was a love story. There was, however, a bit of an incident. (Didn’t I tell you nothing’s ever easy?) The others went to find our seats while Marcus and I bought the snacks. It was a long queue, and we started messing around. I was trying to get my wallet from behind his back and I wound up pressed against his chest, but when we broke away most of my purple glitter bat was on Marcus! (Disha says maybe it’s because it got so wet on Saturday.) It wouldn’t come off Marcus though, would it? When we got back to the others Disha said it looked like we’d been snogging with a definite amount of
Passion
. Really! At the snack counter? And also I never got a chance to interrogate Flynn about Catriona because he left right after the film for some reason.

I had to go to the library this afternoon because I got another notice about overdue books. I told the old bag I’d brought them back, and she said not those, the other ones. I said I didn’t even remember taking that lot out, and she said one of the most astonishing things she’s discovered in her hundred years as a school librarian is the high percentage of teenagers who suffer from amnesia. I said I’d look for them (the books, not the teenagers). When I got home the Mad Cow, Willow and Mars, and Sappho were in session in the kitchen. There was one of those sudden meaningful silences when I shut the front door behind me. “Shhh! The child’s home! Don’t let her hear what we were saying about sex!” (I reckon talking about sex is about as close as any of them get to it. Willow hasn’t been alone with a man since Jupiter’s father did a runner, the Mad Cow and Sigmund DEFINITELY haven’t had sex since Nan moved in – and probably not for the sixteen years before that either – and Sappho, as you know, is a lesbian, which doesn’t really count.) Anyway, by the time I got to the kitchen they were going again at full volume, but now, of course, it wasn’t about sex; it was about food. Simple as peasants, this lot. It’s almost unbelievable. I shouted “Hi!” and everyone looked up, acting surprised to find me in the house. They all said hi back, except the Mad Cow, who gave me this sickly smile like she was trying to be brave and asked me if I’d had a good day. Needless to say, it wasn’t a real question. Before I could even open my mouth to answer they all went back to banging on about root vegetables. Boring or what? I waited for someone to remember I was waiting to speak. It’s just as well I wasn’t holding my breath. “Did someone ask how my day was?” I asked loudly. “Well, to tell you the truth, it was pretty damn awful.” Sappho reminded Willow that she was going to do her chart for her and said that maybe they should go over to hers. This was a hint: they wanted me to vanish. I told them not to bother getting up; I was going to my room to commit suicide. This news had an immediate effect. Mars came over and stuck his nose between my thighs. If you ask me, he should’ve been called Uranus.

Disha got her period last night and didn’t feel like coming to school today (HER mother is v sympathetic about these things, unlike some). I was on my way to see her this afternoon when I bumped into Flynn. He said he was going to Camden to get his mother something for her birthday, and I said if he wanted some feminine help I’d be glad to tag along. He was excruciatingly grateful (even when it isn’t Christmas, boys hate shopping!!!). Now that I finally had him alone I didn’t know how to start about Catriona. Valentine’s Day seems a long time ago. So we talked about the film we saw on Sunday (which he didn’t seem to remember much), and school and stuff like that, and then I said he seemed to be hanging out a lot with Catriona Hendley lately – dead casual like. He said, “Really?” He said he’s always hung out with her; he’s known her since they were six (she seems to have known every attractive male in London since they were little – if she wasn’t so stupid you’d assume she must’ve planned it). Then (v tellingly if you ask me) he quickly tried to change the subject to how chummy Marcus and I seem to be lately. Since I definitely don’t want Flynn thinking I’m interested in Marcus (in case he says something to Catriona, who says something to Elvin) I said we weren’t any chummier than usual, and I explained about the glitter. As I expected, he laughed v loudly, which I took as an admission that he’d had the wrong impression. It put him in such a good mood that he treated me to a coffee. Naturally, the first thing I did when I finally reached the
House of Horror
was ring D. I said I reckoned we should set up in the matchmaking business, since Flynn and Catriona are obviously on their way to being an ITEM. I mean, Flynn denied it so much he might as well have admitted it. Disha, however, disagrees. She says I have no corroborating evidence. I think she’s been watching too many police dramas. Disha says Lila hasn’t said anything about it, and we all know what a BIG MOUTH Lila has; there’s no way she wouldn’t at least drop a hint if things were hotting up between Catriona and Flynn. And also Lila did say that they’d always hung out together, like Flynn said. But I’m the child of a psychotherapist, and I believe in psychological evidence. Psychological evidence isn’t based on what people say, but on what they
might
be saying.

I’m so desperate for money that I looked after Jupiter for a couple of hours this afternoon, even though it’s my night with the Toxic Twins. Jupiter peed under the kitchen table because I was talking to Disha on the phone. I was so traumatized by this that I forgot to take precautions (like wear a shield – I usually use Willow’s Corona beer tray) and when I stooped down to coax him out he made a full frontal assault! It’s just as well he doesn’t know the twins – he’d be a really bad influence. Who would have children, I ask you?

Bethsheba rings at least twice every day, but tonight she rang FIVE TIMES! I was the one who had to answer the phone, because I was the only one home except Nan. I didn’t want her to answer in case it was Elvin about tomorrow. I don’t want him exposed to the darker side of my family life until we know each other better, say in a year or two. (You can bet your last Rolo that Catriona Hendley’s grandmother isn’t any more embarrassing than the rest of Catriona’s incredibly perfect family. Catriona’s grandmother isn’t a Jesus freak; she’s a baroness.) Anyway, even though I told Bethsheba that Justin wasn’t in and that I’d give him a message, she kept right on ringing. I finally unplugged the phone and went to take a bath. As per usual, the Mad Cow yelled at ME when she got home and realized the phone was disconnected. What if she’d been trying to get through? What if there’d been an emergency? I said what if she bought me a new mobe so she’d know that she could always get me if she had to, and she said what if I started ironing my own clothes and the moon turned blue?

You can see why people seeking enlightenment usually live in caves by themselves. (If it weren’t for the lack of electricity and the snakes and scorpions I might consider it myself.) I really find coping with my family v draining. I hope I can survive long enough to get my own place. It’s not easy to pursue a life that is intellectually stimulating as well as spiritually fulfilling in a house where everybody else is submerged in the
trivial
and the
mundane
. Mobile phones … the menopause … a little dye in the washing machine – what are these things compared to the great books, the great music, the great ideas? NOTHING, that’s what. But how can I concentrate on
Higher Things
when I’m constantly being brought down to below ground level by the Bandrys?

MEGA DISAPPOINTMENT! Elvin rang this morning to say he can’t fix my bike today after all. He said he was REALLY SORRY but he had to do something with his father that he couldn’t get out of. I told him that, having unreasonable parents of my own, I understood. So I won’t find out if we’re destined to
Fall in Love
until next weekend.

To cheer myself up, I went over to Disha’s. The other Paskis were all out. Since I’ve got a WHOLE WEEK before I see Elvin again I decided to use it constructively and asked Disha to cut my hair – after all, the DP is a time for experimentation. It took EONS because at first she was so terrified of taking too much off that she hardly cut it at all. Since Mr and Mrs Paski were out we then moved into their room, where there are two MAJOR mirrors, so I could monitor both front and back the whole time. That worked pretty well until Disha got so obsessed with making it TOTALLY even that she nearly exposed my EARS (one of them is slightly imperfect). We called it quits after that. I think it’s too short, but Disha says it’s v trendy and immediate. (What else is she going to say? That I look like my head’s been mown?) We might’ve had a fight, but then Disha remembered the dope we liberated from Calum’s desk. I pointed out that we didn’t have any tobacco, but Disha said she had a few fags stashed away. I asked Disha when she started smoking and she said she didn’t really smoke, she just liked to have one now and then when she felt stressed, and she could stop any time she wanted. I said did she mean like Sigmund (who stops at least twice a year) and we both laughed. We got some snacks and put a film on, and then we got the hash out from under the carpet. We weren’t sure how much to use, so we used the lot. I was trying v hard to follow the film, so I didn’t notice when Disha fell asleep. I didn’t even notice that I ATE ALL THE SNACKS (a family bag of crisps, a family bag of tortilla chips and an entire packet of custard creams) either. We both decided that this is not our drug. I definitely can’t afford something that turns me into a human Hoover. I walked all the way home (the REALLY LONG WAY) because I reckoned I needed the exercise. Stopped off at the shops and bought some hair dye (
Purple Passion
).

Privacy being as rare as film stars in our house, I was v excited tonight to more or less have the entire flat to myself. Sigmund was out solving other people’s problems, the Mad Cow was with Sappho, Justin had a date with Bethsheba (I know that’s where he went because when I asked him where he was off to he told me to mind my own ****ing business. I wonder if I should tell this poor deluded – and possibly blind – girl that Justin wet the bed till he was ten before she gets too involved), and Nan was passed out in front of the telly (just for a change). I’ve had a couple of things I’ve been wanting to do that demand solitude. The first was to finally move my diary to a really secure location. Every day I put it somewhere different in my room, and I always stick a hair or a piece of thread between the pages so I’ll know if someone’s been reading it, but even though there’s been no sign of tampering it makes me v nervous. I had such a premonition that the MC was trawling through my room on Friday, wanting to see what I’d written about her, that Ms Staples asked me something twice before I realized she was talking to me. After class she pulled me aside to ask me if everything was all right because I seemed distracted lately. I told her it was because I was working on a story with a v good but complicated plot. She said she’d love to read it when it’s finished. (I hope she forgets about it, or I may actually have to write something, which I’m MUCH too busy to do at the moment. No wonder Catriona sticks to poems. How long do they take?) So anyway, I finally came up with the perfect hiding place. The garden! It’s easily accessible, and since it’s always raining no one ever really goes there. Even Sigmund’s once-a-year barbecue extravaganza has been permanently postponed because last year he was so determined that the burgers were going to be totally cooked on the barbecue and not finished off in the kitchen as per usual that he set one of the deckchairs on fire. The other thing I wanted to do was DYE MY HAIR purple. I did the hair first because you have to leave it on for twenty minutes, so I could hide my diary while I waited. I went to the kitchen and got an empty flowerpot and a smaller pot with a plant in it. Then I wrapped my diary in a lot of plastic, put it in the empty flowerpot and put the pot with the plant on top. Brilliant or what?!! It was raining, of course, so I stuck a carrier bag over my head so the dye wouldn’t drip all over then I nipped out and hid it in the shrubs. The wind banged the door shut behind me, but I didn’t think anything of it. Not until I tried to get back in. That’s when I remembered that it locks automatically. (What’d I tell you about being born under a curse? Of all the billions of families in the world, I had to be born to the one that puts a Yale lock on the garden door. It can’t be an accident! There HAS to be a God. The only thing I don’t understand is why He has it in for ME!) I couldn’t exactly haul myself over the wall and go next door since all I was wearing was one of Sigmund’s shirts and a carrier bag over my head, so I banged on the kitchen window and shouted. Sometimes I think if it wasn’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all. The storm was making more noise than I was, and there was no way Nan would’ve heard me even if she’d been awake, not with the telly blaring away (not unless I was whispering something I didn’t want her to hear). I felt like a ghost looking in at her old life, unseen and unheard. As the seconds turned to minutes, I saw my whole life shimmer before me in the steam from the kettle. Well, maybe not all of it, but A LOT. Mainly they were happy memories. I saw me and Disha walking in the rain in our frog wellies when we were little, and the beach that summer we went to Greece and the MC got sunburn poisoning (you should’ve seen her feet – they looked like she’d nicked them from a purple elephant). And also I saw all my friends’ faces floating over the stove, smiling. And Elvin! I hadn’t even tasted his sweet lips yet and now it would never be. But I thought to myself, well, if I have to die so tragically – before I even reach my prime – at least my last sight is a happy one! Miraculously Nan shuffled into the kitchen before I died of
exposure and drowning
. Of course, then I had to sneak back out again to retrieve my diary since I had so much to tell. The MC wasn’t the tiniest bit sympathetic or worried that I might have got pneumonia. All she was concerned about was what I was doing in the garden in the dark. I can see I’ll have to keep my diary indoors after all. I can’t keep popping in and out. Not when my mother has such a
suspicious nature
.