Planet Janet (15 page)

Sappho said I should’ve known about the cheese not being vegetarian because she’d told me often enough. She wanted to know if I ever listened to anything she said, and I said sometimes.

It never ends, does it? What would everyone do if I weren’t around to take the blame for everything? Flynn was in a mood today because Disha and I didn’t turn up for his pizza party on Saturday night. I said I didn’t know about any pizza party. Flynn said I did and that I said it sounded great when he invited everyone the other day. I don’t consider some casual remark made when at least four other people are talking at the same time even close to a
real
invitation. Who could really hear him? And also he was going ON AND ON about pizza (it’s bread, basically; there isn’t
that
much to say), and he didn’t make it excruciatingly clear that he meant LAST Saturday. Not to ME! I apologized abjectly and promised that even if Prince William invited me to a mega do at the palace on the same night I’d be at Flynn’s next pizza party. Flynn was appeased. He said OK, it’s a date. Next Saturday. Eight sharp. I wrote it on my hand, and later I made Disha write it down on paper so we don’t forget.

Tonight when the phone rang Justin said that if it was Bumshiva I should tell her he wasn’t home. I was SHOCKED AND HORRIFIED that he expected me to lie for him. He said he still had the negative of me sleeping with my mouth wide open and dribbling, and if I didn’t want Elvin to see it I should just do what he said. I told him that was blackmail and it made him a criminal and he laughed.

It’s a world of surprises, isn’t it? Came home from school to find the Mad Cow going through Sigmund’s office. She had a duster in her hand to make it look like she was cleaning, but she was definitely turning it over. I told her he didn’t hide his cigarettes in his office, and she said she wasn’t looking for cigarettes; she was dusting. She said it like she wouldn’t care if he smoked himself into an iron lung. (I’m not sure what an iron lung is, but it doesn’t sound good. I mean, it doesn’t sound like something you’d wish on the
Love of Your Life
, or even your husband.) Maybe I’ll never get married, if this is what happens. All the
Passion and Romance
goes, and there’s nothing left to keep you together but the mortgage. I almost felt like saying to her (woman to woman), “Jocelyn, don’t you remember how your blood used to race when you heard his voice? How your skin tingled at his touch? How you used to lie awake, imagining he was beside you? Where did all that passion go?” But I didn’t. If she ever did feel like that (which does seem a bit unlikely) she’ll have TOTALLY forgotten by now.

D agrees that marriage sucks the romance out of a relationship. She says this is why Great Artists and Writers have traditionally been opposed to it. The
Soul
is always yearning to be free, and society’s always trying to chain it down. Does that mean that the creative impulse is innately opposed to the needs of society? If man works on rules and the rest of the universe works on chaos, does society go against our TRUE nature? Questions, questions, questions!!! Sometimes I feel as if the Dark Phase may give me a permanent migraine. Watched some old
Friends
videos to calm my overworked mind.
Friends
I can understand.

HOT NEWSFLASH!!! Sara Dancer DID IT!!! She went to a party on Saturday and made it with some bloke from New Zealand. I said she’d been keeping pretty quiet about it, and Sara said that even though she definitely felt LIKE A WOMAN now there really wasn’t that much to talk about. She said she’d had a few beers and didn’t remember it all that well. I said I hoped she remembered using a condom and she said no. She said as a topic of conversation condoms hadn’t exactly come up. (Just the penis did!!!)

Mrs Kennedy said she wouldn’t need me next week, but she wondered if I could mind the twins from Friday night to Sunday the weekend after next. At first I said no. I’m not totally sure about having the twins for long periods of daylight on my own. I’d have to do things with them and keep them entertained, which could be quite draining. And instinct told me that the Mad Cow would object. As you know, she’s not v keen on Mrs Kennedy, but she’s even less keen on leaving me with ME on my own for a whole weekend – never mind with someone else’s small children. Mrs Kennedy said she only asked because her mum usually takes them when she needs a break, but she’s gone to Australia. Mrs Kennedy said it was a shame I couldn’t do it because she was going to pay me double time, but she certainly wouldn’t want to upset my mother after all my wonderful father’s done for her. Double time! I don’t like maths, but I do appreciate that it can come in v handy from time to time. A quick calculation told me that what Mrs Kennedy was offering me was FREEDOM AND PRIVACY in the shape of a new mobe. So I threw caution to the wind and said I’d do it. I reckon the simplest thing is not to tell the MC. What she doesn’t know can’t stop me.

This afternoon Marcus said he hoped I hadn’t forgotten that we’re going to the gallery tomorrow. I said of course I hadn’t. (It had TOTALLY gone out of my mind, which is understandable considering all the STRESS I’ve been under lately.) I told him I was really sorry but I still couldn’t go, because of Nan’s relapse and all. Marcus was v sympathetic (unlike anyone I’m related to). He wanted to know why Justin couldn’t look after the old bag for a couple of hours and I said oh, come on now, you’ve met my brother; Justin’s too selfish to do anything like that.

If Shakespeare’s right and the
Course of True Love
is rougher than a trail up Mount Everest, then the feelings Elvin and I are going to experience (if we ever have ten minutes alone) will be the
Truest Love
that’s ever existed. I am THWARTED at every turn. First of all, the MC did another one of her vanishing acts this morning without so much as a word to ANYONE. God knows where she goes, but it definitely isn’t Sainsbury’s since she’s out ALL DAY and doesn’t have any food with her when she gets back. It was just as well I shopped for lunch yesterday. This time I bought pasta, pasta sauce with a big green V on it, and a bag of salad at the health food store, so I felt pretty calm about that at least. Willow took Nan out, and Sigmund, as per usual, was working his fingers to the bone to pay my bills, so I was feeling V POSITIVE. But then Justin Bandry, the boy who thinks home is where you sleep, wouldn’t leave the flat today no matter how much I begged him. I was rushing round, trying to get ready for Elvin, and Justin even made me check to see if Bumshiva was “lying in wait” for him out front. (Melodramatic or what? Men really are the most incredible prima donnas!!!) She was. Justin said that in that case he wasn’t going anywhere unless there was a fire. (How TEMPTING is that? If I wasn’t afraid it might spread to mine, I’d torch his room!) I said I didn’t see why he couldn’t go through the garden, which is what he’s been doing for DAYS, and he said the man at the back booby-trapped his border so he can’t land in it any more. I told him that in that case he’d better stay in his room or I’d invite Bethsheba in for lunch. I reckoned that would keep Geek Boy out of the way. Which was just as well because the doorbell rang and it was Elvin. The first thing Elvin said when I opened the door was had my hair always been this colour? I said trust a film-maker to be so observant. He obviously thought this was another example of my great sense of humour, so I laughed too. He wanted to know if Justin had gone over the garden wall again and I said no, he was in his room, but he was excruciatingly busy. Everything was V COSY after that. I got lunch ready while Elvin fixed my bike, just as if we were a real couple. When he was done he came into the kitchen, all triumphant. I said that was brilliant, cos now we could finish that bike ride, and he said sure but not today. Elvin read the label on the salad dressing while I drained the pasta. He couldn’t eat that either, because it had anchovies in it. I was already thinking about how I was going to describe the afternoon to Disha, when Justin appeared, nose twitching (he’s got the sense of smell of a police dog). I gave him every signal I could to make him go away (eyes, hands, eyebrows, mental telepathy – the lot), but except to ask when lunch was going to be ready he TOTALLY ignored me. I said should I be putting out four plates, and he gave me this big cheesy grin and said not to worry because Bumshiva had left. Elvin wanted to know who Bumshiva was. Justin started explaining that she was in a couple of his classes and had this fixation on him (ego or what?!!), and to my surprise Elvin not only didn’t laugh at this piece of fantasy but acted all sympathetic. I was tempted to tell Justin what I’d like to do with his lunch, but I didn’t want Elvin to see my harsher side just yet. Not until we’ve at least had our first kiss. So I put out three plates. And guess what? Disha was right about Elvin going to that exhibition last weekend, because that’s all they talked about while they shovelled
my
lunch into
their
gobs. As soon as they’d finished eating, Justin asked Elvin if he wanted to see what he was working on in his darkroom. As sweetly and meaningfully as possible, I told Justin that Elvin had come over to fix my bike, not look at his pictures. And what did Elvin say? Elvin said he’d already fixed the bike and he’d LOVE to see Justin’s pictures. (If Justin shows Elvin even ONE of me – even if I look a stone lighter than I really am and am MIND-BOGGINGLY GORGEOUS in it – I swear I’m going to destroy his bloody darkroom.) I know Elvin was only being polite. He probably thinks he has to be nice to my brother even though he’s the biggest pain in the arse that ever lived, but I was so ENRAGED I had to force myself to remain pleasant. As soon as I heard Justin’s door close, I raced outside to see if maybe Bethsheba had come back, but (NATURALLY!!!) she hadn’t. Just wait till the next time she calls round. We’ll see who lies for Geek Boy then. Rang Marcus, but he’d gone out, so I’m going over to Disha’s. I don’t trust myself to be alone with my brother.

David, Disha, Marcus, Nick, Siranee and I all turned up at Flynn’s at eight o’clock last night, as requested. Flynn opened the door, and then he sort of stood there, half smiling at us as if he thought he was on
Candid Camera
or something. The boys were hungry as per usual, so they sort of barged in and the rest of us followed. Flynn said something about checking the dough and dragged me into the kitchen with him. I’ve never seen him so angry. Not even the time he got thrown into the biology pond in his white suit. He wanted to know if this was some sort of April Fool’s joke or something. I said, “Um, duh, you invited us over for pizza, remember? I even wrote it down!” Flynn said he was under the impression that he only invited
me
over for pizza. I said, “Really?” He said really. He said now we were going to have to order more pizzas and I could pay for them, which was pretty unreasonable if you ask me. Flynn said he thought it was more unreasonable to invite five people to dinner at someone else’s house without bothering to tell him. I told him to look on the funny side. I mean, considering the fact that out of the lot of us Flynn and I are the only two who speak English as our first language, it’s pretty ironic that we can’t seem to communicate. Flynn said I’m the one who can’t communicate.

I’m still pretty irked by what happened with Elvin on Saturday. I know it’s all Justin’s fault, but I can’t help thinking that Elvin could have shown a little more interest in ME. Disha thinks I may be misinterpreting things. She says maybe by ignoring me he was showing how interested he really is. Disha thinks Elvin feels so comfortable with me that he doesn’t think he has to make any special effort and just acts normal. Like we’ve been seeing each other for eons. But what about
Passion and Romance
? That’s what I want to know. I mean, I know lunch for three isn’t the same as a candlelit dinner, but he could at least’ve talked to me a bit!!! Because I was so HURT and DISAPPOINTED I decided to ask Marcus if he wanted to go to that gallery after school one day this week. Marcus said the exhibition was over. He said it like it was my fault.

Will I ever find peace from the Slings and Arrows of Outrageous Fortune? (It’s beginning to look like the answer to that question is NO!!!) Between school, Elvin, Flynn, Marcus, my family and trying to keep my sanity and sense of humour despite all of them, I found it v difficult to get to sleep last night. It was raining pretty hard, so even the wind chimes weren’t as soothing as usual. I never count sheep (I don’t know about anyone else, but I can never get the sheep to jump over the fence), but eventually I was so desperate that I started going through my multiplication tables. I reckoned that should do it, since it’s usually only with SUPERHUMAN effort that I manage to stay awake in maths. I was soaring through the fives when I heard someone outside. At first I thought it was a cat (though not Mr Kipling, of course, since I’ve been tr
è
s careful about keeping him IN since all that trauma). Then it made another noise, and I knew that if it was a cat, it wasn’t your average sort of cat; it was more like a PUMA. I was at the window in a flash! There was just enough light from the other flats for me to make out a
dark sinister figure
crouched like a v large puma on the garden wall. All those lectures from the MC about what to do in an emergency finally paid off. I quickly squeezed through my door, raced into the kitchen and dialled 999. Then I went to wake up Justin. (He’s always had more of a sense of adventure than the parents, and he acts without thinking.) Justin wasn’t asleep; he was working on some project for college at his desk. He grabbed his camera and ran to the kitchen. I grabbed his heaviest tripod and followed. The rest, as they say, is history. Justin was just stepping out of the garden door with a tea tray over his head when I got to the kitchen. He shouted something threatening like “Don’t move!” and then he started snapping. I reckon it was the first flash that caused the intruder to fall off the wall. I ran into the garden brandishing the tripod and warning him that the police were on their way. Justin yelled at me to be careful of his tripod, and the dark sinister figure roared, “For ****’s sake, Janet, are you trying to kill me?” It was Mr Burl. My wind chimes were driving him BONKERS and he’d hauled himself up on the wall to try and cut them down. He stabbed himself in the calf with his pocket knife when he fell off the wall.