Play Nice (Make the Play Book 3) (16 page)

I’m shocked by my own confession.

Not shocked that I thought it. Shocked that I said it aloud. It’s something I think about all the time. Something that plagues me. That haunts me. But it isn’t something I share with others.

However, I trust Hayes, and I want him to know. To understand.

“What are you talking about?” Hayes asks. I expect him to back away, but he surprises me by scooting closer. The look on his face isn’t one of horror. It’s one of concern. And that’s when I know for sure that I’m making the right decision in telling him.

“When I was around four years old my mom got pregnant. She was so happy.” Wistfully, I stare out at the open field. Behind us, the party rages on. I can hear laughter and chatter. It was a noise that used to excite me. Now it turns my stomach. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here alone with Hayes. The revelation is a stark reminder of how much I’ve changed. “At least that’s what she tells me. My memories are a little fuzzy.”

“Well, of course.” Hayes smiles. “You were so young. I don’t know that I remember anything from when I was that age.”

“I guess I’ve heard the story so many times it feels like a memory, you know?” Hayes nods as if he understands. “Anyway, in the ultrasound my parents found out they were having another girl. Apparently, my mom was over the moon.” I snort. “She probably thought her next daughter would be more like her. She and I butted heads all the time when I was little. According to her, I was really difficult. I’d been a colicky baby, and as a toddler I threw fits all the time.”

“Lots of kids are like that,” Hayes says gently. “It’s not your fault.”

“Maybe not.” I shrug. “But Mom felt like it was.” Pausing, I take a deep breath. “Mom ended up losing the baby. Miscarriage.”

Hayes’ brows furrow. “I thought you said it was your fault that your sister died.”

“Mom said that I stressed her out. That she’d had some health problems during the pregnancy and the doctors told her to take it easy. But I wouldn’t allow her to relax.” My chest tightens as Mom’s accusatory words fly through my mind. Years of hearing how I ruined her life. How I took away her opportunity to have another child.

Hayes squeezes my hand. With his other arm, he reaches up and strokes my cheek. “Ash, that’s ridiculous. Your mom’s miscarriage wasn’t your fault.”

My gaze finds his. “But she said--”

Hayes cuts me off. “I don’t care what she said. She was wrong.” Freezing, I hone in on his words. “And I’m sorry, Ash. I’m sorry that she made you feel like it was somehow your fault. You were just a kid being a kid. It’s sick that she put all this on you.” His hand slides down my face, resting on my shoulder. “It must have been a terrible burden for you to carry all these years.”

A tear slips down my cheek, but before I can reach up, Hayes wipes it away with one tender brush of his fingertips. “Afterward, she started drinking. Dad started spending more time at the hospital. As I grew up, I always felt like I had destroyed my family. And I used to wonder what it would be like if I had been different.”

“If you had been perfect, you mean,” Hayes says, as if putting the pieces of the puzzle together.

“Yeah,” I whisper.

Hayes sighs, his shoulders slumping, “I hate what your mom has done to you.” Shaking his head, his eyes search mine. “You need to stop punishing yourself. You didn’t destroy your family. Your mom and dad did that all on their own.”

Reaching up, I touch Hayes’ face. “You’re always so good to me.”

He grabs my hand and stills it. “Stop acting like I’m doing you a favor, because I’m not. I care about you because you’re worth caring about.”

“Even after everything I’ve done? After the way I’ve treated you?”

“That was in the past,” he says firmly. “I’ve forgiven you for that, and now you need to forgive yourself.”

Yanking my arm back, I step away from him, hugging myself. “How did you know where to find me tonight, Hayes?”

He pauses before answering with a resigned sigh. “Emmy told me.”

“And I bet she thought I went off with that guy to cheat on you, huh?”

“She doesn’t know you the way I do.”

I turn away from him. “This whole school thinks I’m some kind of monster. Most of them will always hate me. And I don’t blame them.”

A shadow casts over me, Hayes’ outline projecting on the barn in front of me. His hands slide up my arms, causing a chill to skitter up my spine. Warm breath fans over my cheek as he leans down and presses a kiss to my neck. “Give them time to see the real you.”

“How do you know this is the real me? What if the real me is the other girl? The one my mom says I am. The one everyone hates?”

“You and I both know that girl isn’t you.” Gripping me by the shoulders, Hayes gently turns to face me. “Look at me, Ash. I know you. I know the girl you’ve pretended to be for years, and I know the girl you are now. And I know for a fact that this girl is who you are deep down inside.”

“How?”

He studies my face a minute. “Why do you like being with me, Ashley?”

His response surprises me. “Is that your way of avoiding my question?”

“No. It’s my way of answering. Tell me,” he presses.

I scrunch up my face, trying to formulate a reply. “I don’t know. It’s comfortable, and easy. This is the first relationship where I feel like I can be...” I stop, surprised by my own answer. “Myself,” I finish.

Hayes smiles. “See.”

Despite myself, I grin back. “Thank you, Hayes.”

He reaches out his arms, and I fall into them. As they tighten around me, I press my face into his chest. His shirt smells like him, and it causes my heart to skip a beat. In all my life I never felt so safe and secure as I do in Hayes’ arms. I peer up at him, and a chunk of my hair falls in my eyes. He smooths it back, and our gazes lock. “Hayes,” I breathe out. “I never would’ve cheated on you. I couldn’t.” I bite my lips. “Because…I love you.”

His eyes widen. For a minute I worry that he won’t say it back, and my chest tightens. It’s the first time I’ve ever said that to a guy, and I don’t know if I can handle him not returning it. Bending down, he stamps his lips to my forehead. “I love you too, Ash.”

Closing my eyes, I savor the words. “You do?”

“I do,” he says. “I love you.” The fact that he repeats it makes my heart soar. Lifting my head, I kiss him. Softly. Tenderly. Drawing it out as if I hope it will never end. And a part of me hopes it never does. I could kiss Hayes forever and it still wouldn’t be long enough.

***

On Saturday morning, I show up at Emmy’s house. It’s the first time I’ve been here since last year, and it feels weird. As I wait for someone to answer, I pray it’s Emmy and not her parents. At least it won’t be Cal since he’s away at school. In fact, if he were still home I probably wouldn’t even brave coming over here.

When the door slowly opens, I swallow hard and stand up straight.

“Ashley?” Emmy’s eyebrows knit together.

“Hey, Em.” I glance around, half-expecting to see a pregnant Taylor leap out. The two of them are usually attached at the hip. Then again, Taylor stayed home last night while Emmy and I went to the party, so she’s probably still at home.

“What do you want?” She asks harshly, frowning.

Her behavior isn’t surprising. After talking with Hayes, we went in search of Emmy, but she’d already left, so I never had a chance to explain what happened. “Can we talk for a minute?”

She leans against the doorframe, her expression hard. “You know that Hayes was looking for you last night, right?”

I nod. “He found me.”

Her eyes flash. “How could you do that to him, Ashley? He’s been so good to you, and he’s believed in you. He deserves a lot better than a girl who cheats on him.”

“You’re right. He does,” I agree. “That’s why I didn’t cheat on him.”

Surprise leaps to Emmy’s face. “You didn’t?”

I shake my head. “I couldn’t. I love Hayes.”

Emmy’s head cocks to the side. “You what? Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” I say softly, the edges of my lips curving upward.

Emmy grins. “Okay, you’ve intrigued me. You can come in.” She opens the door further, pressing her back into the doorway, allowing me entry.

When I step inside, it feels like I’m walking into my past. But I know I’m not, because I’m not that girl anymore. The girl who used to hang out here is gone. Or maybe she never really existed. My gaze flickers toward Maise’s office door. “Are things the same with you and your mom?”

Emmy tosses me a pensive look, but then she nods. “You and yours?”

“Yep. Same.”

As she guides me into the family room, she says, “I guess some things do remain the same, huh?”

“And some things change,” I say.

Emmy plops down on the couch, and I join her. “It does appear that way,” she responds, but the skepticism is still there.

Nervously playing with a thread on the bottom of my shirt, I say, “I never should’ve went off with that guy. It’s just that I had seen Hayes talking to Talia, and I got scared and worried, and I guess for a minute I turned into the old me.”

Emmy appears doubtful. “There’s no way you thought Hayes would be interested in Talia again. Not after what she did to him. Besides, it’s obvious that he’s totally into you.”

Leaning down, I prop my elbows up on my thighs. “Em, I don’t know how to make you understand this. I know you don’t trust me, and I get why.” I pause. “I know I act like I’m confident and everything, but I’m not. I’m really insecure, and I try to mask that by acting like I have an inflated ego.”

“I know,” Emmy says, and I’m stunned.

“You do?”

“We were friends long enough for me to see glimpses of the person you were trying to hide. It’s the reason I agreed to try this again.”

Her words give me courage to keep going. “Hayes is the first guy I’ve really cared about. He’s the first guy I’ve dated simply because I like him. Not because of some ulterior motive. And that scares me. It’s the first time I’ve felt like I don’t have the upper hand, you know? And deep down I’m terrified of having my heart broken. And so that’s why I went off with that guy. I was trying to protect my heart. But once I got alone with him and he started coming on to me, all I could think about was how much it would hurt Hayes if I cheated on him. And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him like that.” My gaze drops to my hands in my lap. “Besides, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

“Because you love him?” Emmy asks, as if still trying to process what I’d said earlier.

“Yeah.” I smile.

“Have you told him this?”

I nod. “Last night.”

“And he loves you too?”

The broad smile that sweeps my face gives me away.

“Wow.” Emmy whistles. “This is crazy.”

“Crazy good or crazy bad?”

“I really don’t know, Ashley.” Her face grows serious. “Hayes is a great guy. I’ve always thought so. And I want to trust what you’re saying to me, but I’m sure you understand that it’s kinda hard for me.”

“I know. I lied to you and manipulated you, so I get it,” I say. “For what it’s worth, I’m really sorry, and I wish I could go back and stop myself from betraying you.”

“But you can’t.”

“No. I can’t. All I can do is be a better person now. And I’ll start by apologizing for leaving you last night. When I went off with that guy, I wasn’t just betraying Hayes, I was betraying you. We went to the party together, and I should’ve stayed with you. Made sure you were safe.”

“I can’t really be mad at you for that. I left without making sure you were safe,” Emmy says.

“But that’s just because you thought I’d run off with some strange guy.”

Emmy snorts. “That actually makes it worse.”

I wave away her words. “Nah. It makes it understandable, actually. You thought I was reverting back to my old ways. It makes sense.”

Emmy stares at me intently in silence until I’m so uncomfortable I want to crawl out of my skin. “What?” I finally say.

“It’s just weird. The whole time we were friends, I wanted you to be like this. I wanted you to shed all that fakey stuff and just be real. But you never could do that. What changed? Is it just because you lost everything?”

“That definitely pushed me in the right direction. But, no, that wasn’t completely it. Losing everything forced me to take a good hard look at myself and the part I played in all of it. But honestly, it also made me realize that I didn’t want to fight to get it back. I wanted something different.”

“And that was Hayes?”

“Hayes wasn’t planned.” I chuckle. “He’s probably the first thing in my life that wasn’t planned. We just sort of connected. It took me by surprise. And it took me by even more surprise that I wanted to pursue it. Hayes never would’ve been part of any of my plans. And I think that’s why it works. Because being with him isn’t a game. It’s what I want.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Emmy asks.