Playboy Pilot (32 page)

IT WAS ALMOST MIDNIGHT
by the time the taxi dropped me off. A boarder answered the door and went back to his room. I followed my nose, which led me straight to the kitchen. Maria was stirring a large pot on the stove with one hand while feeding Pedro a slice of mango with the other. She didn’t turn around, and I hadn’t called ahead to let her know I was coming, so I assumed she thought I was someone else.

“Venha comer. Conversaremos, então.”
Come eat. We’ll talk.

“É Carter, Maria.”
It’s Carter, Maria.

She still didn’t turn around. Instead, she took a bowl out of the cabinet next to her and scooped out some feijoada. When she turned and placed the bowl on the table, she wasn’t the least surprised to see me. She’d known I was coming all along.

“Comer! Comer!”
Eat. Eat.

She was psychic enough to know I was coming, yet I caught her off guard when I dropped my bags and hugged her. For some reason, being there made me feel something I hadn’t felt in almost a year—hope. I didn’t let go of her for the longest time, but when I did, she squeezed my face and kissed both of my cheeks. After, we sat and ate together in comfortable silence. By the time we were done, I was beginning to get anxious about what I wanted to talk to her about. I’d never asked her anything about my future. She would just randomly come out with things when she looked at me sometimes. I wasn’t even sure if she
could
answer my questions. Was being clairvoyant an on-demand ability?

After we cleared the table, I was starting to work up the nerve to ask, when she suddenly took both of my hands into hers. I never had to ask a single question. It wasn’t necessary since she told me to sit and began to tell me all about my future.

Three hours later, I was in my room, and my head was spinning. I tried to fall asleep, but it was almost impossible because the only room available was the one that Kendall and I had shared. I could still feel her spirit even after eleven months.

Eleven months.

What would she look like pregnant? Her perky tits heavy with milk and her ass a little fuller. Was I that hard up that the thought of a very pregnant Kendall was making me hard?
Fuck.
She was the only thing that could even get me hard anymore. Eleven months of celibacy. It was the longest stretch of my life since I was sixteen.

I’d decided on the long flight over that I truly didn’t care if she carried another man’s child. In a fucked up way, I almost wanted her to. Having her get everything she wanted would make the time we’d spent apart count for something at least. Because the thought of both of us wasting the last eleven months of our lives for no damn good reason was enough to make my chest constrict.

I thought about everything Maria had said tonight over and over in my head. As usual, her messages were cryptic, and it was difficult to decipher what it was she was even trying to tell me. But I was determined to listen to her advice no matter what it was. The problem was, I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to do.

A resposta está no céu. A resposta está no céu.

She just kept repeating the same phrase over and over again.

The answer is in the sky. The answer is in the sky.

SINCE IT WAS MORNING
before I finally crashed, it was late afternoon when I woke up. My flight wasn’t until the following day, so I had plenty of time to try to figure out what Maria was trying to tell me. She was out at the market when I went looking for her, so I went for a walk on the beach in an attempt to clear my head.

After about a mile of walking in the blaring sun, I came across a lone chair sitting at the water’s edge. It dawned on me that the last time I’d walked this beach was with Kendall. Almost at this exact spot, we’d come across
two
random chairs. I hoped that this wasn’t a sign…that I’d only need
one
chair from now on.

Feeling forlorn, I sat down to try to make some sense of my crazy life. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes and let the sun shine down on my face while I recalled what had transpired the last time I sat in this very spot with Kendall. It played out in my head like a movie. Our chairs were facing each other, and we were playing footsy in the sand. I asked her why she was on the trip, and she had initially been vague. I’d soon find out that she was avoiding telling me her secret because she was embarrassed to admit the truth. She thought I would see her as shallow and desperate.

But the real truth was, before I met Kendall,
I
was the one who was living my life shallow and desperate. Going from woman to woman, never wanting to stay in one place too long. The woman who thought she was desperate turned out to be what I was in desperate need
of
. True love.

Not only had Kendall told me her secret in this spot, but I’d also opened up about Lucy. It was the first time I’d ever told anyone about Lucy. I’d never really even spoken to my parents about everything that had happened. Yet I’d shared my demons with Kendall, and despite it all, she’d opened up her heart anyway. At least I thought she did.

The sun felt so good heating my face. The sound of the waves lightly meeting the surf lulled me to relax. I let out a deep breath and allowed the beach to wash away some of my stresses. There was no point tearing myself up over the past anymore. The only thing I could control was the future now.

My future.

A resposta está no céu. A resposta está no céu.

Maria Rosa’s words kept playing in my head over and over.

The answer is in the sky. The answer is in the sky.

What the hell was she trying to tell me?

The answer is in the sky. The answer is in the sky.

Using my hand to shield my eyes, I looked up into the sun. Suddenly, the answer struck me in a moment of clarity.

The answer is in the sky.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
.

Maria was trying to tell me to go see Lucy. How could I have been so dense?

I’D CALLED IN A FEW FAVORS
to make it happen. Considering I took every available flight that anyone asked me to take over the last five years, it wasn’t as difficult as I thought to get myself coverage for five days. After my flight back to the states today, I’d be flying standby back to Michigan. It had been more than a year since I was home and even longer since I’d visited Lucy. In fact, the last time I’d gone to Lucy’s grave was…
never.

The time had come.

I didn’t know how or why, but Maria knew.
The answer is in the sky.

IT WAS A TYPICAL
late March morning in Michigan. Snow covered the ground, and ice covered the snow. My footsteps crunched beneath me as I walked on the frozen grass to row sixty-eight in the Crestwood Section of the Fairlawn Cemetery.

When the numbered stakes in the ground reached the designated row, I looked around and took a deep breath. Luckily, there was no one in sight as far as I could see. I was relieved because I was definitely not ready to run into Lucy’s family. Seeing anyone today was more than I could handle.

Lucy’s row had about twenty headstones. I walked slowly, reading the names on each until I came across hers.

Lucy Langella

July 10
th
, 1986 – September 7
th
, 2004

Pain sliced across my chest. I sucked in a jagged breath before reading the epitaph carved in script beneath her name.

Sometimes love is for a moment.

Sometimes love is for a lifetime.

Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

Ours for a little while.

Wings for eternity.

It had been twelve years, yet time hadn’t closed the wound that was ripped open by Lucy’s death. It still hurt like hell. Fresh pain. Only today, instead of chasing it away, I welcomed it.

I read the beginning of the inscribed words again.

Sometimes love is for a moment.

Sometimes love is for a lifetime.

Is this what Maria wanted me to see? I tried to make sense of it. Was Lucy my moment and Kendall my lifetime?

Wings for eternity.

Was she trying to tell me I didn’t deserve either? That I was destined to fly around the world for eternity and never settle down?

The ache intensified. I squeezed my eyes shut as the taste of salty tears hit my nasal passage. Was this my punishment? Lucy had loved and lost. I’d done that to her. It made me realize that my life was easier to live before Kendall ever walked into that airport bar. They say that it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but right now, I was thinking that’s a bunch of bullshit. Wouldn’t Lucy and I both have been better off if we’d never loved? I wouldn’t have realized that my life sucked before Kendall and Lucy would…still be here.

My shoulders started to shake long before the sound came. When it all hit me, I had to sit down in the snow, or I would have fallen over. As much as I tried to fight it, I couldn’t anymore. The sobs rose from deep within me, and I cried for all of the losses. For Lucy’s parents who never got to experience any of the joys that my parents had. For Lucy and Kendall, for letting them down because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants. And for the realization that…