Authors: Barbie Bohrman
He asks one more time.
I put my hands on my hips and swing the door wide open to spell it out for him. “Three, two—”
“Okay, okay, I get the hint,” he says and finally leaves.
I slam the door shut behind his sorry ass and then let out a scream of frustration and anger for falling for his bullshit from the very beginning. How could I have been so easily manipulated? And of all the people to believe over Alex, who has been nothing short of perfect, I chose Aiden? What is wrong with me?
After a few minutes of letting it all sink in, I go into the kitchen to grab my good friend Grey Goose from the freezer. It’s then that I see the list that I was so gung ho about a couple of months ago staring back at me. I stop and tear it out from underneath the magnet that’s keeping it in place, staring at the final entry.
4. Forget about dickhead and have fun with Alex.
I read it another few times before crumpling it in my hands and throwing it in the garbage can in disgust. Forgetting about the vodka, I end up on the couch again instead. I curl up into a tight ball, mentally cursing myself for not taking my own advice, for not seeing what was right in front of me all along. And trying to figure out how the hell I can possibly get myself out of this mess.
D
id you tell Sophia?” Sabrina asks.
“Of course I did,” I say. “I’d want to know if it was me. Wouldn’t you?”
She thinks about it for a second and then says, “Yes, I would. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what she does with the information.”
“Ah, that’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? But at this point it’s out of my hands. If she chooses to stay with him, so be it.”
It’s been a few days since the whole Aiden debacle. I finally came to my senses and realized I needed my best friend’s advice sooner rather than later. So I texted her earlier today to let her know that I would Skype her tonight after I got out of work. To say she was shocked to hear about the developments with Alex and me would be putting it mildly. But she was more shocked to hear about Aiden’s part in all of it. Quite frankly, I still am too.
“So what are you going to do?” she asks in a soft voice.
I sigh out loud and rub my eyes with the heels of my hands in frustration.
“Uh-oh, you’re sighing—that can’t be good,” she says.
“Sabrina, I’m scared.”
“Alex obviously loves you. What’s there to be scared about?”
This time my sigh is tinged with a small chuckle.
“Seriously, I love you to death, Julia, but if you sigh one more time, I’m going to stab you in the eye.”
“I really fucked up, Sabrina. Like huge, gargantuan fuckup. The kind of fuckup that if I was him, I don’t know if I have it in me to forgive so easily.”
She raises one eyebrow and grins. “And who said it was going to be easy?”
“Nobody, that’s the point,” I say with another sigh.
“What did I tell you about sighing?”
“Duly noted,” I reply.
“Look, Julia, there’s no doubt that you messed up. What you said to him about Katerina was so harsh, even for you. But sometimes we say and do things that we don’t mean. We don’t think about the repercussions while it’s happening because all we
can
think about is protecting ourselves. And that’s exactly what you were doing.”
“Do you mind explaining that to Alex for me?” I ask. “It sounds so much more logical coming from you.”
“Very funny,” she says.
“I have feelings for Alex that I honestly thought I would never have for anyone after—”
“Don’t you dare say his name,” Sabrina says, cutting me off. “He forever shall be known once again as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
“Right. Sorry, I forgot. Anyway, as I was saying, I never thought I’d feel this way again. But it’s different.”
She tilts her head to the side and asks, “Different how?”
“Well with Alex … shit, I don’t even know how to explain it to you. He just is. He’s …”
“He’s what?” she asks and then leans forward so that her face is consuming my screen and not in a cute way.
“Dude, back up, you’re freaking me out.”
She does and immediately asks the same question.
“He’s amazing, Sabrina,” I admit with a sad smile. “I don’t know if it’s because we were friends for a while before we started dating or what, but whatever it was between us was pretty goddamn perfect.”
Her mouth drops open in shock, so I lightly tap the screen with my finger. “Close your mouth; you don’t want flies going in there.”
The initial shock wears off, and Sabrina is all smiles now.
“Why are you smiling like that?” I ask her even though I can already imagine what the hell is going through her head.
“You’re so head over heels in love with him.”
I all of a sudden become interested in a small string hanging from the hem of my T-shirt. Here’s the thing—up until this point, I’ve been telling myself that maybe I’m in love with him, maybe I’m not, back and forth like I’m on a seesaw. However, in the deepest recesses of my mind and heart I know the truth. I
am
in love with him—head over heels, dedicating songs to each other, in love with him.
“Hey,” she says, trying to get my attention again, “stop trying to ignore me.”
“I’m not ignoring you.”
Then Sabrina’s lips morph into a sneaky smile. “Julia, I’m going to ask you a couple of questions, and you must answer them honestly with the very first thing that comes to mind, okay?”
Rolling my eyes at her attempt to play psychiatrist, I wave my hand at her and tell her to go on. Can you guess what she asks me? Yeah, pretty predictable.
“Are you in love with Alex?”
“Oh, Sabrina, aren’t you the clever one?”
“I learn from the best,” she says sarcastically. “And answer the question.”
I take a quick breath and then exhale, and in a rush of words I say, “Yes. I’m truly, madly, deeply in love with him.”
“Yes!” she exclaims with a fist pump. “I knew it!”
“Shhh, keep your voice down. I don’t want Tyler to come and—”
Too late.
Tyler comes in behind her dressed all in black from head to toe, leaving no room for interpretation of what his favorite color is still. He’s smiling his signature “I’m hot as hell and I totally know it” smile at us. Well, he probably doesn’t call it that, but to me that smile should be branded and is all kinds of trouble.
I wave to the screen halfheartedly. “Hey there, Tyler, I see that you’re still trying to bring sexy back.”
“Julia,” he tries to say with a straight face, “I see that you’re still as blunt as ever.”
Sabrina rolls her eyes and laughs. “Don’t encourage her.”
He bends down and kisses the top of her head. “I only came in because I heard you yell. Is everything all right?”
“It’s far from all right, Tyler,” I say. “In fact, I’d say it couldn’t get much worse.”
He knits his eyebrows together and looks at Sabrina. She shakes her head in a dismissive fashion and then says, “Don’t listen to her. She’s being dramatic because she’s heartbroken, but she won’t be for long.”
“Would you stop with that?” I say to her. “You’re embarrassing me in front of your man.”
“You have got to be kidding me. You’re telling me to stop after the countless times you’ve embarrassed me in public? Oh, hell to the no!”
Tyler looks between us and shakes his head. “Okay then, I can see that I’m not needed here.”
He turns on his heel and leaves the room as quickly as he appeared.
I start to laugh because she’s totally right. Me, Ms. Big Mouth herself, telling her to stop embarrassing me is definitely a sign that things are changing in my life. So what do I do? I let her bask in the glory that for once she has the upper hand on me.
She stops her gloating as I come down from my laughing fit. “Seriously, Julia, you need to talk to him. Be honest and don’t hold back. Tell him what you told me, and I guarantee you everything will be fine.”
“You really think so, Sabrina?”
“I know so,” she says. “I pinky swear.”
She raises her hand to the screen and wiggles her pinky finger at me. I smile in spite of myself and do the same thing back at her, hoping that she’s right.
After we disconnect the session, I pick up my cell phone. Alex’s name is the first one that shows up on my contact list, but I’m probably the last person he wants to hear from right now. Even after Sabrina’s pep talk, I’m still too much of a coward to reach out to him. Then again, something like this should be done face-to-face.
Yes, that’s it. That’s the excuse that I’m going to go with for yet again tucking my tail and running away from the very best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I’ll do it tomorrow. Isn’t that what Sabrina’s always saying anyway? Everything looks better tomorrow, or some shit like that. God, you would think that I would have that memorized by now. I catch myself sighing again and stop. Tomorrow it is.
CHAPTER THIRTY
-
ONE
I
stare blankly at the calendar on the desk in my office, counting off the days since I screwed myself over with Alex with the nub of an eraser on my chewed-up pencil.
Ten days have gone by since I spoke to Sabrina about it and told myself that I’d be contacting him the next day. Not because I don’t want to either. But I figure if he hasn’t tried once at this point, why bother?
Does that make me a chickenshit?
Most definitely.
The
only
good thing to come from this is that I’ve lost about five pounds, so my ass can fit more comfortably in my jeans. Not that I have anyone to impress, but it’s a start.
I’ve barely gotten any work accomplished this week. This makes me feel more like an asshole because that means that Lisette has had to really pick up the slack for my being a basket case. All I’ve been doing is drinking coffee and waiting until it’s five o’clock when I can get back home and crawl into my hole to hide until the next day.
Ugh, I know. It’s pathetic.
So here I am, staring at the calendar, when Lisette pops her head into my office at quarter to five with a funny look on her face.
“We need to get going,” she says dryly.
I keep my eyes on the calendar. “Get going where?”
“Did you even look at your calendar?” she asks with a sigh.
“You’re joking, right? What does it look like I’m doing right now?”
“I mean the one in that machine to your right that lights up when you actually turn it on.”
I point my thumb to the computer sitting on my desk. “This thing? Nope, haven’t gotten a chance to.”
“Because you’re so busy,” she mumbles.
“Whatever.”
She comes to stand right in front of my desk and crosses her arms. Her toe tapping on the carpet starts a second later. I look up at her and roll my eyes, pushing my chair away from the desk at the same time.
“Fine, where are we going?” I ask while grabbing my purse.
“The gallery.”
My ass falls back down on the chair. “Um, no, I don’t think so.”
“He’s not going to be there, Julia.”
“How do you know?”
“Oh my God,” she says, walking around the desk and grabbing my arm. “Because we have a meeting with the new gallery assistant that he hired, not with Alex, so let’s go. If you’d checked your calendar, you would have known this already.”
Pulling me up to standing—although, let the record show I let her—she starts to drag me like a child. I yank my arm out of her grasp and smooth down my skirt. “There’s no need to get physical, thank you very much. I can walk all by myself.”
“Good, I’m so glad to hear it. Now, let’s go.”
“Okay, jeez!”
The ride over in Lisette’s car takes all of ten minutes, and before I know it she’s parking the car in front of the building. We walk to the door and open it, and I’m expecting to see Sarah perched at her desk, but she’s nowhere to be found. As a matter of fact, there isn’t a single soul or sound in the entire place.
“Where is everybody?” I whisper to Lisette.
She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know.”
She walks ahead of me toward the back offices but makes a quick left toward the actual gallery portion and then a quick right into the alcove.
What I see in front of me makes me take a couple of steps backward. Lisette turns around and grabs my arm again to get me to stop, dragging me back into the room to face the music, so to speak. Because sitting at a candlelit table for two is Alex with Sarah behind him, her hands planted on his shoulders as if to keep him right where he is.
“Sit down,” Lisette commands.
I shake my head.
She gets all up in my grill right then, and in a deathly quiet voice she says, “If you don’t sit down and do this, I will never speak to you again. I swear on Santa Bárbara that I will quit working for you if you don’t do this for me right now.”
I scrunch my eyes together at her threat, which for all intents and purposes sounds as serious as a heart attack. So I relent and plant my ass down on the chair opposite Alex, who looks as thrilled as I am to be here.
“Yay!” Sarah says from behind Alex. She lets go of his shoulders and claps her hands together softly. “Now, the two of you are going to have a civilized dinner, which we’ve already taken care of, and talk this thing out.” She leans her head down to Alex’s ear, but we can all hear her when she says, “Because you know I’m kind of tired of seeing you so grumpy.”
Before they both walk out of the alcove, Lisette lifts the covers off our plates to reveal a juicy steak with mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables on the side. Meanwhile, Sarah pours us each a glass of red wine with a huge smile on her face. My stomach starts yelling at me to dig in, but on principle alone I cross my arms and decide not to. Alex, on the other hand, picks up his fork and knife and gets right to it. I decide to grab my wineglass and start drinking instead.
He sets his fork and knife down and wipes his mouth with the napkin. As he picks up his wineglass, he shoots me a curious look over the candles. “Aren’t you going to eat?”
“No, thank you. I’m not hungry.”
My stomach picks this moment to growl loudly because I’m sure it’s sick of peanut butter, Doritos, and ice cream and wants nothing more than to eat a real meal for a change.
“Are you sure about that?” Alex asks with a grin. “Or are you simply fighting me on this like you do everything else?”
“I might be just a little hungry,” I mumble under my breath.
So I start eating. Well, we’re both eating, but in complete silence. It’s strange because I really want to drop this tough exterior act, apologize, and tell him how much I wish I’d never said those things to him. But I don’t.
It’s killing me to the point that I lose my appetite after three or four bites of food and put the fork down on my plate with a loud clank. I can’t even sneak a glance at him across the table for fear I may lose my shit again. And by
lose my shit
I mean cry a river, and I’ve had enough of that to fill my days and nights for the rest of my existence.
“Julia,” Alex says in a tender tone that breaks my heart.
I dart my eyes up at him to find his eyes soft and as blue as ever. It gives me a fleeting sense of hope, but I don’t say anything back to him.
“Come here.”
I hesitate for a moment, then answer him by standing up slowly and walking over to him, his eyes following me every step of the way. When I reach him, he pushes his chair out and grabs both my arms, pulling me to sit down on his lap. And I don’t know why, but the tenderness that he shows while he arranges me makes me teary-eyed.
He uses his thumb to wipe away a tear on my face with a small smile playing across his lips. I clasp my hand onto his wrist to keep him close. Alex responds by cupping the side of my cheek as I burrow into the warmth of his skin and close my eyes at the feeling.
God, I’ve missed him. Every little thing about him. And I know in the back of my mind I don’t deserve him after what I did, which makes this moment even more bittersweet for me.
“Alex, I’m so sorry.”
“Julia, before you say anything, let—”
“No, you let me talk for a minute, even though I’ll probably stick my foot down my throat again somehow.”
He nods, so I pour my heart out and give it my best shot.
“I’m so unbelievably sorry for saying all those awful things to you. You didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t mean it, really I didn’t.” I take a quick breath and blow it out, trying to focus on his gorgeous eyes, which are staring intently at every word coming out of my mouth. “I was burned once—badly—by someone who I thought loved me, and I’ve been hiding and pushing people away ever since. So when I saw you with Marisa at an innocent dinner, I took it as my out to save me from the potential heartache down the road. And for that I’m truly sorry because I never gave us a chance.”
Alex tries to interrupt, but I place my finger on his mouth to stop him. “I also want to tell you that I’ve missed you like crazy. I’ve been a fucking mess every day since you walked out my door. I would have come crawling back to you sooner and begged for your forgiveness, but the way you left … it scared me, and I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again after the things I said that night.”
Again, he tries to speak, but I press my finger against his mouth with more force. “And I’d like to say one more thing.” This time I close my eyes because I haven’t said this to any man in what feels like an eternity. So just above a whisper I confess it to him. “I love you, Alex. So much. And you don’t have to say it back to me, but I at least wanted to be honest with you for once.”
I open my eyes and watch as he smiles against my finger until all I see are his dimples. He pulls my finger down, and his hand that is cupping the side of my face slides to the nape of my neck.
“Are you done?”
I nod and wipe away a stray tear. His hand on the back of my neck tightens, and it brings a flurry of butterflies to my stomach. He pulls me closer until his forehead rests against mine. I close my eyes again, wanting to memorize this moment forever, and then he opens his mouth to speak.
“I spoke to Sabrina.”
My eyes fly open. “You what?”
“She told me everything,” he says.
“Oh my God, I’m going to kill her,” I say under my breath.
“No you’re not. She’s a good friend and loves you very much and was only looking after you. Something about a pinky swear.”
I smile. “We did pinky swear.”
“I was only giving you until the weekend to get your shit together before I came pounding on your door.” He goes on. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t come sooner, because I love you too, Julia, and I missed you like crazy.”
I want to kiss him so badly, but I’m afraid, so I lick my lips to keep myself from making the first move. Yup, still a chickenshit.
“Alex?”
“Julia?”
I grin because I’ve missed this too.
“Will you please kiss me?”
“Not until you tell me you love me again.”
I loop my arms around his neck and poise my lips over his. “I love you, Alex.”
“Again.”
“I love you.”
“One more time, please,” he whispers against my mouth.
“I. Love. You. Now, please kis—”
He angles his mouth over mine and starts to do as I ask. It’s soft, tender, and oh so perfect. Before long it escalates. And sweet Lord how I’ve
definitely
missed this.
Our breathing is becoming labored as each of us is grabbing and pulling at the other. He adjusts me on his lap in one swift movement until my skirt is hiked up to my waist and I’m straddling him. My hands start to make quick work of his belt buckle to release his— You know what?
I’d like for once to make love to my man without all of you getting a free show. This one is just for me and my man. “My man,” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
Yup, I couldn’t agree more.