Authors: Angela Peach
"Ah. I bet she thinks
we all ride horses and drive tractors then?" Darcy said, raising an eyebrow. I smiled in confirmation.
We arranged our next lesson for the following week when she had a free afternoon before she started to gather her things together. As she reached the door to go, she turned back.
"So, um, you remember my friend Nicki, from the pub last week? Well, she's having a small party on Saturday night and she said to invite you along. Would you like to come?" she asked, sounding a bit nervous, but not nearly as much as I was at the suggestion of a college party. She saw my face and held up her hands reassuringly. "It's not what you're thinking. It won't be loads of students getting drunk and talking about politics and philosophy or anything."
"I'll talk to Gray
and let you know, just in case he has plans for us already" I said non-committedly. She nodded, obviously seeing straight through my flimsy promise.
"It'd be good if you could? You look like you could do with letting your hair down."
"I'll try and make it if I can. I'll call you." I felt guilty as I gave her a hug goodbye, but parties weren't really my thing.
When she'd left, I went back into the kitchen and found Gray poring over holiday brochures.
"She hated my tea, didn't she?" he asked without even looking up.
"No, I think she genuinely enjoyed it."
"Liar! What was that about a party on Saturday?"
I filled him in as I sat down and pulled one of the brochures in front of me, absentmindedly flicking through it.
"I think you should go."
"To a student party? Gray, I'm…"
"…not too old to go out for a drink with a friend" he finished. "I want you to go. End of discussion. Now sit down and help me plan our holiday. I've earmarked a few pages already."
We spent the next few hours going through the glossy catalogues, and I actually managed to let myself get excited about our planned four week holiday, something I'd tried to avoid up until now. It was basically
going to be a tour of the places Gray most wanted to see before he…well, before he was unable to enjoy seeing them.
We ate dinner around them, going over the merits and highlights of each location, and by bedtime, he'd come to a decision. On the destination list for our four week journey was Thailand, Japan, Austria, Bali, Hawaii and New Zealand. It sounded like a wonderful way to spend a month, but for me I wouldn't be admiring the sights in these beautiful countries.
When we got under the covers later that night, Gray spooned into me.
"I don't think I'll go on Saturday" I said.
"Yes. You will."
And he was right. I did.
It was almost as if Darcy and Gray were conspiring together to get me to go to the party.
Gray was practically insistent that I go (as was Darcy) and even offered to drive me there and back (as had Darcy.) In the end I relented, but refused point blank to be dropped off and picked up like a teenager, so Darcy came to collect me at seven thirty that night.
I
'd spent a good couple of hours panicking about what to wear, not wanting to look like somebody's mother gate-crashing the party. Eventually Darcy chose for me before dragging me out of the door, shouting out to Gray that she'd have me back by two.
"Okay, we just have to make a quick stop at the off licence to get six big bottles of White Lightning and four litre bottles of cheap vodka, then we're good to go."
I froze. This sounded exactly like the sort of party I tended to avoid with a bargepole.
"Oh. Er…sure."
"Alison, I'm fucking with you!" She laughed. "You know, you're far too serious."
"You always say things so seriously. I can never tell when you're joking." I mentally
berated myself for falling for such an obvious wind up. She turned her head to look at me and her hair fanned round in a silken arc. It looked like she'd washed it and let the angels straighten and condition it. I idly wondered if it would feel as soft and silky as it looked. How could it not?
"I was trying to lighten the mood. You look so nervous."
"I just feel a little out of my depth going to a student party at my age, that's all" I muttered, wiping my clammy palms against my jeans.
"You met most of the people that will be there at the pub the other night, and you're only as old as you feel. You certainly don't look old. I mean, you've got a fantastic body and you're incredibly attractive." She paused, as if sensing she'd strayed off the subject and into other territory. "You don't come across as being old, is what I mean."
"I never went to any parties when I
was
a student. I suppose I just don't know what to expect."
"You were a student? What did you study?"
"English Literature. I only went because of Jazz. I couldn't stay at home with my sister, so I followed my best friend to University! I got a degree that I've never used, but it's also where I met Gray."
"Whoa, hold on. You went to
Uni because you didn't want to stay at home? What was so bad about your sister?"
I turned my head to look out of the window. I hated talking about Emma and my therapists had always seemed to want me to open up about her, with the result that I never talked about her full stop. Only Jazz knew the complete unedited story. But to my surprise, I found myself taking a deep breath.
"When I was seven, my dad ran off with my best friend's mum. My sister, Emma, who was eleven at the time, completely blamed me. She said if I hadn't gone round to Cathy's every day, dad wouldn't have had to pick me up every day, and they wouldn't have started the affair behind my mum's back. It carried on into our teens and she just seemed to hate me more and more. Whenever she got angry, she'd destroy my room, and if she was
really
angry, she'd beat me up and threaten to kill me. I mean, she was just always angry, you know. She started taking drugs when she was fifteen, and was on heroin by the time she was seventeen. Occasionally I'd come home from school and find mum crying because the tv had gone, or some of her jewellery was missing. One night, we got a call from this lady who said her son had been arrested with some stolen goods on him. He'd told her everything after she bailed him, including the origins of some of the goods. In his bedroom was a small bag of jewellery he hadn't got round to pawning yet, and some of it was what he'd got from Emma in return for drugs. Mum was too upset to go round and get it so she sent me." I smiled. "That was how I met Jazz. She was this guy's sister. She answered the door and I recognised instantly the look on her face. The look of shame and anguish that comes from living with a family member on heroin. She asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with her because she needed to get out of the house, so I did. She was the first person I trusted. Well, the
only
person really, until I met Gray. I guess that makes me quite sad, eh?"
"Were you lonely?"
"Before I met her, desperately. After, never."
"Then no, that doesn't make you sad. In fact, it makes me feel quite privileged that we're friends."
There was a silence as we both mulled things over. Darcy continued driving, her eyes on the road. It had been strangely easy to tell her everything, something I'd struggled with in my therapy sessions, skimming over things and being purposely evasive. Darcy's soft voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Did you blame yourself? For your dad leaving?"
I sighed.
"Yes. I did."
"Do you still?"
I was quiet while I thought about it.
"Sometimes. I think I still feel like I was the catalyst for dad meeting Cathy's mum and starting the affair. But I don't blame myself for him leaving mum anymore. That was his decision to make." I'd never been so honest. I'd spent years paying for, and lying to, my therapists. No wonder they'd been so persistent!
"What about your sister?"
"What do you mean?"
"Does she still blame you?"
"She probably would…if she was still alive. She died of an overdose four years ago. Before that we hadn't spoken properly for nearly thirteen years. We had an awful relationship, and if I'm honest I never really had any kind of feelings toward her by the end."
"I'm so sorry. That must have been terrible for you."
"What?"
"Well, losing her without getting any sort of resolution
on anything. Sometimes it's easier to block out our feelings toward someone because the alternative is to feel the pain. While your sister was alive, there was still a chance of reconciliation, to bury old issues, be forgiven for your dad leaving. When she died, it must have taken away all those hopes."
"Yes" I whispered, my eyes wide. "I was angry at her. Resentful even." It was as if
Darcy had climbed gently inside my head, given my brain a comforting hug and said "Hey, you wanna talk about it?' and then climbed right back out with all the information she needed. Information I'd denied or dismissed. She pulled up at a junction and turned to look at me. I must have looked as shell shocked as I felt because her eyebrows twitched into a slight frown of concern. Even in the dim light of the car I saw her eyes soften as they registered my reaction to the conversation. Sensing the mood needed lightening she cleared her throat.
"So, you and Gray have been together a while then?"
"Eight years. We met at Uni, but I didn't like him at first. He pursued me for nearly two years and I just kept knocking him back."
"Really? Why?"
"Because I thought he was a bit arrogant…and I was sort of seeing someone else. Well, actually he was more of a bootie call" I said smiling.
"
You
had a bootie call?"
"Mm-
hm! I didn't want any kind of relationship while I was studying, so I just had this guy I'd hook up with when, you know, the need arose!"
"Alison! You dark horse! I
never would have thought it of you! So what made you cave with Gray then?"
"Well, after I left
Uni, I decided I wanted to be a nurse. I took the training and got placed in a London hospital. He tracked me down through Jazz and wangled a job at the same hospital. He's a surgeon" I added, thinking 'was'. "So, anyway, I found him annoying and arrogant and he just irritated me. I mean, he was loud and popular and funny…the complete opposite of me. I tried to avoid him as much as I could, but one day Jazz just told me to get my shit together because I was being an idiot and even she could tell I was in love with him."
"Ah, let me guess? You realised he reminded you of your dad?"
My mouth fell open again in surprise as I stared at her in shock for the second time.
"How did you…"
"I'm sorry. Am I overstepping the mark?" she asked anxiously, looking worried.
"No, not in the slightest. I just want to know how you're doing this? It's like you're reading my mind or something."
"I'm sorry. It's just things we're taught on the course. But it all makes perfect sense. You blamed yourself for your dad leaving and along came this great guy who reminded you of him. Subconsciously you were in love with him, but you pushed him away to avoid the hurt of letting him into your life, so then he could never leave you, like your dad did."
Years of expensive therapy went out of the window as a girl I'd known for less than a month worked out my entire head set in about half an hour.
It was quite possibly one of the most impressive things I'd ever seen!
"Daneka Hennessey, I don't think I've ever met anyone quite like you. I think I'm actually a little bit in awe of you!"
I exclaimed. There was a pause before she replied shyly;
"Thank you."
We stopped at a shop in town where I purchased a couple of bottles of wine for the party. When I questioned her as to whether she minded not drinking at a party in her own flat, she merely shrugged and said she didn't need alcohol to have a good time. Although I was surprised, I was also impressed again.
Still, as we pulled up outside her place, my heart was racing with nerves and my mouth dry. I was tempted to open one of the bottles and swig from it, but decided to retain my dignity in front of Darcy. I strained my ears for the tell-tale
bassy thud that usually accompanied student parties, but heard nothing. Darcy noticed I'd fallen quiet and linked her arm through mine as we approached her front door.
"Don't worry, I won't leave you
, City Girl. You'll be fine."
"If I want to go home at any point, you'll take me?"
"Of course. No questions asked. Now let's go and have some fun!"
An hour and a half later, I was surprised to find she'd been right. I was enjoying myself and hadn't even panicked when Darcy had
been dragged off to dance with Nicki. I was having a laugh with a couple of guys who were really quite funny and keeping me well entertained, and I found myself relaxing when I realised I was being treated no different to anyone else. When they went off to have a dance, I gracefully bowed out of their offer to join them, and went looking for Darcy instead.