Authors: Angela Peach
"Alison" I replied quietly. She sighed.
"
Darce, I'm not being funny babe, but I saw this coming a mile off. You're so typical, you're almost textbook."
"What do you mean?"
"Look, you're a Piscean. You're represented by two fish swimming in opposite directions, and that is you all over! It has been for as long as I've known you! You want to be a vegetarian, but you love meat too much, so you make do by eating extra veg with your meals. You want to go travelling, but you love your home comforts too much to leave it all behind and start again from scratch. You love horror films, but you hate watching them! You spent ages pining for Sam when you couldn't have her, and now that you've got her, you're pining for Alison!"
"But I've made my decision about who I want to be with. How do I know I'm not just wanting her because I know I can't have her?
"
"That is probably the exact reason
why you want her! If Sam ditched you tomorrow and went back to the states, and Alison then called you up to go over and see her, you'd probably get all angry about how she lied to you again and how you were second best and…"
"Okay, okay, I get the picture. So what do I do? How do I forget about her, or at least just get her out of my head?"
Nicki tilted her head at me and softened her voice.
"Are you one hundred per cent certain you've made the right decision
, Darce? Because unless there's a part of you that's still hoping for a future with Alison, you should be able to focus on Sam and what she can offer you. But," she looked me carefully in the eye, "if you
are
still hoping, and I think I know you well enough to know that you are, you have to think very hard about all these promises you're making Sam. Because the longer you lead her on, the more you're going to destroy her…and yourself."
"I swore to Sam that if Alison knocked on my door tomorrow and begged me back that I'd say no" I said quietly. "But I think I was lying to myself more than to her. How can it be possible to be in love with two people equally? I mean, whoever I choose, I think I'd always be thinking about the other one and knowing how much they'd be hurting
."
"I thought you'd already made your choice?" Nicki said, raising her eyebrows at me. I chewed on my bottom lip, wondering at my slip. I
had
made my choice. I'd chosen Sam. I felt sick to my stomach at the sticky situation I'd got myself into. Nicki saw my warring emotions and gave me a warm hug, holding me close for a long time. "Look, sweetie, I know you'll do right by Sam and she
will
make you happy. I also know you won't go searching Alison out, so you're just going to have to focus on the here and now. Let. Alison. Go."
"Hey
, everything okay?" Sam asked, walking into the lounge with a towel around her. I smiled, then lied again to her (something I seemed to be getting very good at.)
"Yep! Everything's great!"
New Year's Eve rolled around and we'd just finished getting ready to go out when Sam received a phone call from her mother, and as we had loud music playing in the lounge, she went to the bedroom where it was quieter. When she didn't reappear after twenty minutes, I went looking for her, hoping that I'd find her talking to her father. Unfortunately, it was not good news and I found her crouched in the middle of my room, tears streaming down her freshly made up face. I threw myself to the floor in front of her.
"Sam? Oh my god, what is it?"
"It's dad! He had a heart attack this morning."
"What? Is he okay?"
"He's in the hospital now. Mom…she said she told him she was going to call me so I could come home, and he went crazy at her! He told her…he told her…" she dissolved into more tears and I waited patiently. "He told her he never wanted to see me again, not even if he was going to die!" She hugged the phone to her stomach as she stared incredulously at me. I held her tight, feeling her shake from the pain she was suffering. I couldn't think of anything comforting to say to her, so I just stroked her hair. Nicki came and found us a few minutes later carrying two glasses of (very) strong rum and cokes. When she saw the state of us, she demanded we down them on the spot before dragging us back out to the kitchen, where she fixed us all a potent cocktail of whatever came to hand with a dash of lemonade. When we'd downed them, she passed a bottle of vodka to Sam and a bottle of whiskey to me, then held aloft a bottle of rum.
"We are leaving this year, and everything in it, behind us! In four hours we are going to be in a fresh new year, so let's go out there and say 'FUCK YOU' to this year, and 'COME ON' to the new one!" she shouted enthusiastically. It was infectious, and I was pleased to see Sam smile.
"FUCK YOU!" I shouted, holding up my bottle.
"FUCK YOU!" Nicki shouted, clinking hers against mine. We both looked at Sam. She lifted her chin, and very loudly shouted,
"FUCK YOU!"
We all clinked our bottles together, then swigged, wincing and laughing in unison at the alcohol as it burned our throats.
"Now, COME ON!" Nicki roared. "Let's go out there and fucking fuck this fucking year off!"
I watched Sam dancing to the funky music
and my heart swelled. All day my thoughts had swayed back and forth between Alison and Sam, but after that awful phone call where Sam's mum had tearfully begged her
not
to come home, my mind and heart had totally focused on my fiancée. I knew I had made the right choice now, for sure. I loved Sam more than anything, and I was certain we would be happy together.
At five minutes to midnight I joined her on the dance floor, both of us holding onto each other for support
because we were so trashed.
"I love you baby! As long as I have you, I know everything's
gonna be okay. I'm gonna hold onto you and never let you go!" she drawled, her southern accent more pronounced with the alcohol.
"I love you too! I'm
def'netly not going anywhere! You're stuck with me now, honey!" I slurred, pulling her close until my mouth was against her ear. "And I wanna make love to you later, to welcome in
our
New Year."
Sam kissed my neck and groaned.
"Mm! That sounds perfect!"
"…seven, six, five, four, three, two, one…HAPPY NEW YEAR!"
As I kissed Sam, I was aware of some relentless part of my mind that flickered to Alison and what she was doing.
20
Back To Where It All Began
FEBRUARY
"So, what do you want for your birthday?" Sam asked as we walked through the park. It had snowed overnight, and she'd got as giddy as a child when she woke up and saw how it had settled like a fluffy white blanket.
After
I'd convinced her to have a hot mug of tea and some porridge, we kitted ourselves out in warm winter clothes and went out for a walk in the snow. It was such a beautiful day, I'd had a constant grin on my face, feeling truly content for the first time in a long time. I carefully thought over her question.
"
Hm, well, I've always wanted a puppy?" I suggested playfully, and she nudged me with her shoulder.
"A puppy? Really?"
"Yep!"
"You want a cute, adorable, sweet little puppy?"
"Yes!"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because honey, all puppies, even the cute adorable sweet ones, turn into dogs! So when you ask me for a dog, maybe then I'll think about getting you a puppy!" she said, smiling innocently at me. I opened my mouth to speak and she kissed me instead. "And you can't ask for a dog now! You'll have to try again at Christmas!"
"That's not fair!"
"Yes it is! And the same goes for a kitten!"
"Aw, come on! Imagine how cute it'd be, snuggling up on your lap…"
"…clawing the furniture…"
"…purring…"
"…pooping…"
"…playing with lickle toys…"
"…fleas, dead mice…"
"Okay, okay, I get the picture!"
"How about a goldfish? I hear you Brits
go wild for goldfish!"
I glanced at her mock serious face and smirked naughtily. Then, before she even realised what I was doing I threw her to the floor, falling clumsily on top of her as my
feet lost their grip. She shrieked in surprise, and then we both giggled uncontrollably in a heap on the snow. I picked up handfuls of snow and rubbed them into her mouth and face until, spluttering, she reached under my arms and tickled me mercilessly. Now it was my turn to shriek, and I collapsed on top of her.
"No more! Please, no more!" I shouted, squirming to try and get into a more favourable position.
"I want you to say 'please, Sam, if you let me go, I'll do whatever you want?' " she teased, her fingers well and truly planted deep in my armpits.
"I swear, I'll do anything,
anything
you want! Just please stop tickling me?" I gasped, completely at her mercy.
"
Hm, anything huh? Well, how about a kiss for starters?"
"Okay
, I'm gonna kiss you like you've never been kissed before!" I promised. She slowly released her fingers to make sure it wasn't a trick, then I lowered my mouth to her icy lips, tasting the melted snow on them as I kissed her tenderly and lustfully. "Good enough?"
"Like I said, for starters! Now come on, I'm freezing my butt off down here!" she said, letting her head fall back onto the snow. "
Oopsie, looks like we've got an audience."
I think I already knew. Before I turned my head, I could feel it in my stomach. No, I felt it in my soul.
She was stood no more than twenty feet away, eyes locked on us, body frozen to the spot. The cold from the snow was nothing compared to the ice running through my veins as I pushed myself awkwardly to my feet, unable to stop myself from staring back at her. I heard Sam get to her feet beside me and knew she'd clocked my reaction. I was torn between ignoring Alison to save us all from a hideous confrontation, and from needing to speak to her one last time even if it would cause problems with Sam and myself later. We stared each other down across the park, my heart screaming for me to go to her, aching for her touch.
"That's her, isn't it? That's Alison."
I nodded, my left hand unconsciously moving to my pocket to hide my ring.
"Well…maybe we should go and say hi?"
Before I could stop her, she pushed past me and slowly walked across the green. Before I could stop myself, I was following. Alison watched us approach with apprehension, but managed to regain some of her calm by the time we reached her.
ALISON
I knew from the strange glow in the bedroom when I opened my eyes that it had snowed overnight and I stretched out lazily, smiling. I got quickly out of bed and into my long thick dressing gown, then threw the curtains back to survey the view, smiling again as I saw the wonderland my garden had transformed into. It looked like marshmallow! Here and there were little black footprints from birds and other small animals as they'd jumped through the snow.
As I watched, a small robin flew down onto my bird table and pecked away at the cake I'd crumbled onto it last night. I smiled, holding my breath. This was a daily routine for me now to w
atch and wait for him to arrive, although some days it took a couple of hours before he'd show. To see him so soon upon waking, and in the middle of such a perfect picture postcard scene, seemed like a good omen for the day.
I made myself a coffee and put some music on the stereo while I pondered what to do with my day. I'd spe
nt the last few weeks reading and editing Gray's novel that he'd written before he died, and found it to be an amazingly beautiful and uplifting tale. After investigating several ways of getting it published, I'd had a cover designed for it, and successfully got it into several online book retailers.
So now I felt at a bit of a loose end. It seemed like too much of a beautiful day to stay indoors playing guitar, like I'd planned on doing.
A walk. I need a good old fashioned walk through the snow, to blow the cobwebs out!
Happy with my decision, I showered and dressed
, then got in my jeep to go to the park. I'd barely left the house over the past couple of months and I found the crisp cold air refreshing and invigorating as I took deep breaths of it, feeling my mood alleviate.