Possession: Steel Brothers Saga: Book Three (9 page)

I
was going
to have to give poor Axel a raise. He was a great foreman at the orchard, and I had not been pulling my weight lately, always driving into Grand Junction for therapy. Today was no different, although I had gone in early to meet with Robert Prendergast, also known as Biker Bob, who was the designer of the infamous phoenix tattoo that Jade wanted to have inked on her body for all time. Despite my throwing a few more Benjis his way, he hadn’t been able to find the records of who he had done the tattoo on twenty-five or so years ago.

Now, here I sat in the dreaded hunter-green recliner, gripping its arms as usual. “It’s strange,” I said to Dr. Carmichael. “I’ve been coming here now for what…several weeks? I’ve had countless sessions. And still, I dread this each time.” I looked up at her. “No offense.”

She chuckled. “No offense taken. Therapy isn’t easy, Talon. I’m sure you know by now it’s no walk in the park. It’s normal to dread your sessions. But tell me, how do you feel after you’ve had a good session?”

“I feel…” How did I feel? I had never really stopped to think about it. I’d been living in a haze for so long. My times with Jade were the only times I was even close to at peace. But when I considered it, thought about how I felt, especially after that session where I finally admitted that I had been raped, a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. “Honestly, I can’t say I feel good exactly, but I feel that I’m carrying less of a burden. Does that make sense?”

She smiled. “It makes perfect sense. And as we move forward, you will feel good eventually when you leave here. I promise.”

I hoped she was right. I could really go for feeling good. The only times I felt good were with Jade, and she wouldn’t be around forever.

Or would she?

“Doc?”

“Yes?”

“Do you think I’m capable of having a real relationship?”

“You mean with Jade?”

I nodded. “It’s what I want more than anything. She’s the only thing I ever wanted. And she wants to make our relationship public.”

“And you don’t want to?”

I twisted my lips. “It’s not that I don’t want to. Sometimes I want to scream from the top of my roof that she’s mine, all mine. But then I think about how unfair that would be to her. What do I have to offer her?”

“You have yourself. I have a feeling that’s really all she wants.”

“But you know what I’ve been through. I’m broken. I’m not sure I’ll ever be whole.”

“Are any of us ever whole?” the doctor said. “Everyone has his own burdens to bear, Talon. Granted, most people don’t have the kind that you have. But there’s an old saying that if everyone threw their problems in a pile, and you saw what they all were, you’d go racing back to take your own.”

I couldn’t help a small chuckle. “Seems unlikely that I would take my own problems back.”

“Maybe,” she said, “but remember, everything you’ve been through in your life has made you who you are today. And who you are today is the person that Jade fell in love with.”

I sat for a moment, letting that sink in. I’d never looked at it that way before. “I always thought that if she knew who I truly was, her feelings for me would be different.”

“Just because you haven’t told her everything that happened to you doesn’t mean she doesn’t see you for who you really are. She knows there’s something inside you, something you need to work through. That part is obvious to anyone close to you. And she hasn’t run away from it, has she?”

I shook my head. “No, she hasn’t. Even when I begged her to.”

“It’s never possible to know every single thing about the person you fall in love with. Everyone has a few things he keeps to himself. That’s normal.”

“But if you get into a relationship, one that’s supposed to last forever, aren’t the two supposed to become one?”

“One in that they’re unified, as a partnership, but the two people are still individuals. That never changes. In fact, if that starts to change, those are the times marriages tend to fail, when one tries to bend for the other.”

“I can’t imagine Jade bending.” I let out a laugh. “In fact, we just kind of had a discussion about that.”

“You want to tell me about it?”

I hadn’t really come here to talk about my relationship with Jade. There were other things more pressing. But what the hell? “She doesn’t like it when I forbid her to do something.”

Dr. Carmichael slid her lips into a grin. “That’s pretty understandable from where I’m sitting.”

“But you don’t understand. In the bedroom…”

“What?”

“In the bedroom, she does whatever I ask her to. Whatever I command her to.”

“Lots of women enjoy taking a submissive role in the bedroom. That doesn’t necessarily translate to a submissive role in the rest of her life.”

“That’s exactly what she said.”

“I’ve said it before. She sounds like a smart woman.”

“Yes, she is that. Definitely. That’s part of what I love so much about her. She’s hot, don’t get me wrong. Gorgeous, even. But her brain is just as sexy.”

Dr. Carmichael smiled again. “Most women would love to meet a man who feels that way.”

“I need to ask you something, something personal.”

“This isn’t really about me, but if it will help you, I’ll answer if I can.”

“My brother said he met you in Grand Junction, where you were at some psychology conference and he was there for a different conference.”

“Yes, I remember.”

“But when I ended up at the ER a couple months ago, and you were there, you acted like you’d never met him before.”

She reddened a bit. “Did I?”

“Yeah, you shook his hand and said it’s nice to meet you.”

If possible, her cheeks pinked even further. “I suppose I—”

“Oh my God. You’re attracted to him, aren’t you?”

“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

“I’m not going to lie. I think he has the hots for you. I’ve told you that before.”

“Honestly, I just didn’t want to embarrass you or your brother that day.”

“So you did remember him?”

“Yes.” She let out a sigh and pulled her long blond hair off her neck. Was she getting hot and bothered? “And this part of our session is over, Mr. Steel.”

“Understood.” But I smiled to myself. I had to get Joe in here for some therapy. Or to get laid. Maybe both.

“You look a lot like him,” Dr. Carmichael said. “About the same height, same build. He has a little more silver in his hair, and his nose is straighter.”

“Yeah, you know the bullies broke my nose.”

“And you have a younger brother?”

“Yep. Ryan. He’s known as the most handsome and as having the best personality of the Steel brothers.”

“More handsome than the two of you?” She lifted her eyebrows.

I laughed. “Yeah. And I thought we were getting off this subject.”

She shook her head as if to clear it. “Of course. I’m sorry. Let’s get back to you with Jade. So she wants you to take your relationship public, but you don’t want to. Why does she want to?”

“Well, this cop, who I thought was a friend of mine, asked her out.”

“So he’s no longer your friend?”

“He asked my woman out.”

“Talon, he had no idea she was your woman. That’s probably why she wants to make the relationship public.”

Of course. I knew that. “Why is this so hard for me?”

“Only you can answer that.”

“But you’re the shrink.”

She smiled. Always amazed me how she didn’t mind being called a shrink. “I think you’ve answered it yourself. You feel like she won’t love you anymore when she finds out everything you’ve been through.”

“Yeah, but it’s more than that though.”

“What’s that?”

“There are times, Doc, when I want to kill those three bastards. I dream about it.”

“I know you do.”

“And when I went overseas, I thought that killing enemies would take care of that desire for blood. But it didn’t. Those were empty kills. I did it for my country, and I don’t regret it, but it didn’t kill the demons inside me like I hoped it would.”

“No, because those weren’t the people who created those demons.”

“They were demonic on their own. Trying to kill me and my men.”

“I understand that, but try as you might, you can’t make them represent something that they don’t represent.”

“What if I can never control those rages inside me? What if I can never spend the night with Jade? What if I can never control the dreams I have and I wake up with my hands around her neck again?”

“We’ve already gone through this. I don’t think you will.”

“I wish I were as sure as you are.”

“You will be sure one day, and it probably will be sooner than you think.”

“I hope so.”

“In the meantime, Talon, don’t you think it’s okay to make your relationship public?”

“What if she doesn’t stay with me after she finds out everything?”

“First of all, I think she probably loves you enough to stay with you through thick and thin. But let’s look at the worst-case scenario. What if she doesn’t? What if something happens and she breaks off the relationship? What does that have to do with now? You could make the relationship public now, and if the relationship ends, you simply make public the fact that it ended. This isn’t rocket science, you know.”

“It makes a lot more sense when you say it.” Still, I couldn’t bear the thought of anything ending between Jade and me.

“Look, I do understand where you’re coming from. I really do. But you’ve come quite a ways already. Yes, there is more work to do, and we will do it, but if your relationship with Jade gives you happiness, gives you pleasure, why not shout it to the world?”

“Again, it makes perfect sense when you say it.”

“You don’t have to decide right now. Just think about it. Talk to Jade about it. Let her know your concerns.”

“She may not understand.”

“True, she may not. But there’s just as good of a chance that she will.”

“What am I going to do about the tattoo?”

“I think you have to be honest with her. You’re not going to be able to forbid her to get a tattoo. She’s an independent woman, and if she wants a tattoo, she should be able to have one. But if you tell her why that particular tattoo is a problem for you, I’m sure she’ll understand.”

“We’ve been through all that before. It’s both a problem and not a problem.”

“True. But for you to see the exact tattoo that one of your attackers had on the woman you love is probably not the best thing in the world. I do understand that, Talon, and I know she will too.”

“I hope so, Doc.”

* * *

I
got
home in time to find Marj whipping up a roast pork loin with cumin and lime. I inhaled the smoky aroma. “Smells good.” I leaned down and gave Roger a pet.

“Call it therapy,” Marj said. “I sent Felicia home. I needed some good old-fashioned kitchen therapy.”

“Look, Marj—”

“Don’t. I feel horrible about what happened to you, Talon. I can’t stop thinking about it. And I know you kept it from me to protect me.” She sighed. “Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss.”

“Are you sorry we told you?”

She shook her head. “Of course not. I needed to understand, and now so many things make so much more sense.” She paused for a moment. “You have to tell Jade.”

I shook my head. “I’m not ready to do that.”

“Do you love her? I mean truly love her? As in the forever kind of love?”

I let out a sigh. “Marj, you have to understand something. I want to answer that with a resounding ‘yes.’ I really do. But I have no frame of reference. I’ve never had a relationship before.”

“Talon—”

“Thirty-five fucking years old, and I’ve never been in a relationship with a woman in my life. And now I meet the most wonderful woman in the world.”

“You got that right. Jade’s the best.”

“So the truth is, I just don’t know if this is the forever kind of love.”

“Does it feel like a forever kind of love to you?”

“Yes,” I said honestly. “But like I said, I don’t have a frame—”

“Stop right there. If that’s what it feels like to you, that’s what it is. And if you want this to last with her, you’re going to have to come clean with her. She can help you. She won’t judge you. Believe me, she’s helped me through some hard times in my life.”

I didn’t want to belittle what “hard times” my sister might’ve endured during her college years, but I was pretty sure they weren’t nearly as bad as what I’d been through. “I’m afraid.”

“That’s understandable. But relationships can’t exist without honesty. Without trust.”

Trust.

Jade had shown me her trust. She had given me her trust without question, when I didn’t deserve it.

Could I give her that same gift?

“I will tell her, Marj. But in my own time, in my own way.”

“Have it your way.” My sister turned back to the counter and began to chop a head of broccoli.

Would I ever see her smile again? Only a few days had passed since we’d told her the truth. It was still very real and new to her. She would get through it. Hell, if we had gotten through it, she certainly could. But Marj’s smile—that toothless, innocent smile of my baby sister when I came home from hell—had helped get me through a lot of pain.