President Me (39 page)

Many employees just work for the paycheck. The put in the B-minus it takes to not get fired and keep their benefits and then stagnate until retirement or death. That's one of the few ways show business and carpentry are the same. That's one of the skills I brought from the construction site to the radio studio and sitcom set. Your reputation was all you had to go on at the jobsite. I was honest, drove a truck, and didn't charge for gas. I was good, probably too cheap, and didn't steal your prescriptions or rifle through your panty drawer. If I fucked something up I would stay and fix it, gratis. That meant I got more gigs. I was the guy who when you called I might not be able to make it out there for a while. That's what you want, not the “I can start right away” guy. You want the one with a ton of referrals who you're going to have to pay a little more to get.

It's the same work ethic I have with doing
The Tonight Show
. I'm good, I always bring a bit, and show up for rehearsal. Then they want me back. And then I get to plug this book talking about how I get to go on
The Tonight Show
plugging this book about becoming president. It's the circle of life.

Your reputation is everything. My buddy Oswaldo, who I worked construction with and some of you may know from my first movie,
The Hammer
, called me last year and said we needed to talk in person. That was my signal that not only was this going to sap my energy, it was going to drain my bank account. Ozzie is constantly borrowing money that I might as well just use to toast marshmallows at a campsite. If I loan him money I have a better chance of seeing Bigfoot fuck a chupacabra than one penny of it.

We met at the studio and he started his usual refrain of how he needed money because he had no work. I said to him, “You ever wonder why you're not working?” He said, “There's no jobs.” I said, “No, there's no jobs for
you
. You've been gouging people for years. We let it slide for a while but now no one will hire you. Word got around. You've got a reputation. People know you're lazy.”

He got pissed, I got pissed, but I eventually agreed to the financial favor du jour. And then to unconsciously prove my point as he was walking away, he took two steps, turned around, opened the fridge, and grabbed two Cokes before he left. One for now, one for the road. Not
his
Cokes he brought from home. The ones I purchased for my podcast guests. I was walking away at the time too. If he had waited another 4.2 seconds I wouldn't have seen it. I can't tell if this was brazen or ignorant. Either way it was a perfect indicator of how our relationship works.

I'm not joking about Ozzie's reputation. We all like the guy personally, but no one in town will hire him. We were taking a break around the shop not too long ago and deciding where to do the lunch run. I said, “We can't go to the kebab joint, that place takes too long. Last time Ozzie went it took two hours.”

Everyone laughed. We all knew when Ozzie would get sent on lunch runs he'd take that time to do his errands.

Someone said, “Yeah, he was running a scam.” I agreed. Yes, he was running a scam . . . ​on himself.

We were all sitting there gainfully employed enjoying lunch while he was out looking for work.

People love these temporary victories, feeling like they got one over on the boss or the company. Sure, when you go out for lunch you can say, “I got a flat tire” or “They only took cash and the ATM wasn't working, so I had to drive around,” and scam an extra paid half hour into your check. But by the third time around the person/boss you're scamming figures it out. And guess who doesn't get promoted or called back when that guy is hiring again? Even if there are no consequences immediately, there are long-term. This would be a great plan if we all lived to twenty-three, but if you're planning to make it to eighty, that kind of bullshit is going to catch up with you. As a boss, I can tell you for sure, your boss notices when you're lazy, fucking up, and padding your hours. It all gets noted.

With all things in life, especially in the work force, you will be your own undoing. It will be brought down upon you by your own hand. There are no bosses out to get you, no teachers out to get you, no probation officers out to get you. If you feel like they're on your ass, it's because you deserve it.

By the way, I used to enjoy when we'd get
Loveline
callers who'd say their man was in the joint and I'd ask what for and they'd reply “probation violation.” As if there wasn't a prior offense, like everyone is born on probation.

I would love a fifty-hour montage reel of dumb people's excuses as to why they got fired. The scenes would go something like, “You got fired from your gig? It had only been three weeks.” “I worked too fast. Boss had it out for me. Saw me nipping at his heels.” Yeah, a boss always hates it when a guy comes in and does the work of ten, but only takes home one paycheck. This is the narcissism and grandiosity of this generation, they all think they should be the boss, but aren't willing to put in the time, effort, and self-reflection necessary to become the head honcho.

And unfortunately, as a society we fall right in line behind these people and empower them with excuses and externalization. We nod along: “Yeah, times are tough . . .”; “Yep, those one-percenters on Wall Street . . .”; “Mitt Romney . . .” We allow them to blame everyone but themselves. But ultimately, who do you know that is really good at their job, hardworking, motivated, able to internalize
and
unemployed? Now think about all the people you know who are out of work right now and how many joints you've watched them roll while they bitched about their boss and the economy.

2. DON'T DO YOUR BEST, DO MY BEST.

For today's generation, effort counts as much as results. But if you're not getting results then you're not putting in enough effort. I've had the situation where I assigned an assistant or underling a simple task, like call the cable company and have them come out and fix the box. I eventually follow up on this request, and the answer is “I called them three weeks ago.” “And?” “I left a message.” So we're in the exact same spot we were three weeks ago. To the lackey the task has been completed. I asked them to call. They did. Done. To me nothing happened. I might as well have not even asked.

But I really lose my shit when I call that employee out and they say, “I tried my best.” If you fuck something up and say you tried your best, then you need to be relieved. If you're trying out for quarterback, take the ball out of the shotgun and drill it into the ass of one of your lineman, and say to your coach, “I did my best,” then guess who isn't making the team? You throwing the ball up the rectum of one of your interior lineman is not going to earn you a place on the squad. A better answer would be “Sorry, Coach, I'm drunk, the ball slipped out of my hand, it's covered in vermouth.” That would at least leave room for improvement.

You should never say to a superior, “I did my best,” when you fuck up, because you are then declaring you
are
a fuckup. Your best is fucking up. If that's the case I'd hate to see you on a bad day when you were only putting in 50 percent. The answer is not “I did my best,” it's “I'll do better.”

So the phrase I've drilled into my employees is “Don't do
your
best, do
my
best.”

3. DON'T DO IT FOR NOW,
DO IT FOR LATER.

Every loser I hung out with in high school would live for the day. They had zero foresight. They would have lived by the code “carpe diem” if they didn't think that had something to do with a fish. If the sun was shining and they could scrape together the money for a six-pack, it was time to head to the reservoir. The ethos was “I could sit here in Mrs. Tawney's algebra class or I could go to the reservoir, smoke some butts, drink a sixer of Stroh's, and try to feel some boobies.” So none of those guys were ever destined for college. To them that was just four more years of high school and homework. To my buddies, that was a nonstarter. And what really didn't start was their lives. They now live in shitty apartments by that reservoir.

Having a good sense of delayed gratification is the best gift you can give your kids. The ability to not eat the M&M in front of you now so you can have two later is very valuable, and hard to come by these days.

The paramount example of this is my new Secretary of Labor. He is a man who understands hard work not paying off now but down the road—Mr. Jimmy Kimmel.

Though I'm not sure he'll want the gig. It will definitely be a pay cut. And that's the point. Kimmel is now a millionaire and the new king of late night, but when I met him he was making peanuts as Jimmy the Sports Guy on morning radio here in L.A. You'd think making no money he'd have no motivation. Opposite. He knew that if he was going to make money he'd have to work for free. Jimmy never asked for a raise. He got fired and moved a hundred times before landing in L.A. I would see him at KROQ at three thirty in the morning editing
other people's bits
. Not his own, he was pitching in to help other people for the good of the show, because if the show succeeded he'd succeed with it. He never complained, never wanted credit, he just busted his ass. So now who's up against Letterman and helped bring down Leno, who's hosted the Emmys, roasted President Obama at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, and is dear, dear friends with Oprah—is it Jimmy the Sports Guy who killed himself every day for pennies without a complaint or is it Michael the Maintenance Man who got fired for insubordination and then sued claiming racism?

Jimmy exemplifies everything I have just told you—he thought long term, was a team player, he never made excuses, when he fucked up he owned it and figured out how to be better next time.

All that and he is quite a tender lover. He's as hardworking and giving in the bedroom as he was in the workplace.

Perhaps I've said too much. It's time to wrap this up.

CONCLUSION:
THE STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS

The following is the full text of President Carolla's final State of the Union address:

PRESIDENT CAROLLA: Thank you. Please be seated.

(TWENTY-TWO-MINUTE STANDING OVATION EVENTUALLY SUBSIDES)

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, and my fellow Americans. It is the duty of all presidents to report to Congress yearly on the State of the Union. I stand before you now reporting that the state of our union is stronger than ever. America is back on top again because of me.

(APPLAUSE)

Our children are now going to schools where competition and toughness are encouraged. Schools where a little light bullying is a good thing and not everybody is a winner. And you know who's not going to those schools? Dads. They're out working and not getting dragged into every pageant, play, and participation trophy award ceremony.