President Me (40 page)

(APPLAUSE)

Teacher tenure has been eliminated. If you suck, you can be fired. If your school sucks, it will be turned into an outlet mall. Not that that is an issue anymore because my measures, mandates, and decrees have increased the number of intact families, which was the fucking problem in the first place.

(APPLAUSE)

The air travel industry is now one of our most profitable sectors due to my improvements. Airport security is more efficient and the entire flying experience is once again pleasant due to my no-bare-feet and no-service-dogs policy.

(APPLAUSE)

Our roads are safer, cleaner, and faster. Commute times are down on our graffiti-free highways and citizens are able to drive like champions because of my Chickenshit Ticket Reduction Act. And American-made car sales are up due to my automotive innovations.

(APPLAUSE)

If you're watching this address on your television, then you know the state of our mass media has improved. As a culture we stopped gathering together around the TV to gawk and laugh at losers. We've shut off the schadenfreude and turned on our brains again.

(APPLAUSE)

Ads no longer ooze attitude, depict unrealistic racial balance, or encourage couch dwellers to stay fat, lazy, and on the dole. Enrollment at the Wally Thorpe and Dootson Schools of Trucking are through the roof.

(APPLAUSE)

And music has returned to its roots. Gone are the days of sports bars pumping Katy Perry and barbershops blaring Bieber. I made a campaign promise and I've kept it—Foghat in every strip club and Sinatra in every steak house.

(APPLAUSE)

Our national parks system continues to be the envy of the world and my dictates to our Department of Agriculture have increased our exports and eliminated the scourges of zucchini and mouth-roof burns from scalding nacho cheese. Obesity rates are down and stew and casserole consumption rates are up.

(APPLAUSE)

The medical establishment has heard my decrees and now hospitals are efficient, friendly, untagged utopias. Medical professionals are just that, professionals, only dispensing vaccines and Big Pharmaceuticals, not holistic hippie bullshit. And my renewed focus on mental health awareness and unwanted pregnancy has drastically reduced crime, dropout, poverty, and drug abuse rates.

(APPLAUSE)

And the state of our planet is better as a result of my tough love with the rest of the world. While the Middle East continues to be a shit-show, it is no longer our mess to clean up. My efficiency mandates and “Fuck Alaska” campaign have gotten us off of foreign oil entirely. Plus female graduation rates are up 39 percent since I banned the hair dryer.

And now that our Israeli allies have taken over Baja, we have a strong trading partner south of our border instead of a piñata full of poverty.

(APPLAUSE)

Our homeland is more secure from both terrorists and holiday joggers. Our drone production is up and our bracelet production is down.

(APPLAUSE)

Our economy is better than ever because our products and services are better than ever—from socks to strip clubs, my mandates have created wealth, warmer feet, and better boners for all of our citizens.

And we finally have a work force worthy of our forefathers. The Occupy Wall Street protests have ended, never to be repeated, and the youths of America are laboring with dedication, long-term thinking, and self-reflection rather than laboring under the delusion that the world owes them something simply for existing.

My government stepped in only when necessary and got the fuck out of the way when it wasn't. I fixed the stuff you couldn't, but let you take responsibility for your own lives and for the country we all share. It's amazing how far we've come in so short a time. All we needed was a little direction, a few new ideas, a lot of grit, and, every now and again, a swift kick in the ass from President Me. When you stopped looking for the government to solve all your problems, you realized you could solve your own; when you stopped looking in the mirror long enough to realize you share this society with others, things got a hell of a lot better; when you stopped trying to pull others down and to instead pull yourself up, the whole country got pulled up. When I took office there was an America in my head. Now it exists.

Thank you, God bless America and God bless me.

(PRESIDENT CAROLLA HAS A LONG, SELF-SATISFIED SNIFF, DROPS THE MIC, IS CARRIED OUT OF THE CHAMBER ON THE SHOULDERS OF THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE TO RAUCOUS APPLAUSE AND BEATLEMANIA-ESQUE CRYING. HE IS TAKEN TO AN F-22 RAPTOR PILOTED BY A REANIMATED GENERAL JAMES DOOLITTLE, WHICH FLIES TO MOUNT RUSHMORE FOR THE DEDICATION OF HIS FACE IN ITS RIGHTFUL PLACE ABOVE WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON, LINCOLN, AND ROOSEVELT.)

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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I'd
like to acknowledge everyone from It Books and HarperCollins—Lynn Grady, Brittany Hamblin, Mandy Kain, Heidi Lewis, Sharyn Rosenblum, Michael Barrs, and Paula Szafranski.

I should also thank Lynette; Sonny; Natalia; my agent, James “Babydoll” Dixon; my lit agent, Dan Strone; and especially my editor, Carrie Thornton, for making me write these acknowledgments when I wanted to leave this page blank and move on with my life. It's that dedication and attention to detail that made this book great.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

ADAM CAROLLA
is the author of the
New York Times
bestsellers
In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks
and
Not Taco Bell Material
, as well as a radio and television host, comedian, and actor. Carolla is well known as the cohost of the syndicated radio and MTV show
Loveline
and the cocreator and star of
The Man Show
and
Crank Yankers
. He currently hosts
Catch a Contractor
and
The Adam Carolla Show
, which is the Guinness World Record holder for Most Downloaded Podcast and is available on iTunes and AdamCarolla.com.

Visit
www.AuthorTracker.com
for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins authors.

ALSO BY ADAM CAROLLA

In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks

Not Taco Bell Material

CREDITS

Cover design by Amanda Kain

Cover photographs © by Kwaku Alston

COPYRIGHT

PRESIDENT
ME
. Copyright © 2014 by Adam Carolla. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins ebooks.

FIRST
EDITION

ISBN 978-0-06-232040-7

EPub Edition MAY 2014 ISBN: 9780062320421

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