Pretend You Love Me (22 page)

I closed my eyes and turned away.

“I won’t tell anyone.” Xanadu clenched my wrist. “I won’t tell Bailey if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

I’m not afraid. That’s not it. “He knows. Everybody knows. They’re just too polite to talk about it in public.”

We needed to get off the subject of Dad. I unlocked her hold on me and charged to the front door; picked up an envelope that
had been shoved in the mail slot. It was dusty and yellowed. An overdue notice from Rural Electric, postmarked two years ago.
I sailed it to the floor.

Xanadu said, “Have you talked with anyone about this?”

“Like a psychiatrist?” I turned and faked a smile. “The closest thing we have to a shrink around here is Renata, who reads
people’s horoscopes for ten bucks a pop.”

Xanadu’s eyes softened. “I meant, a friend.”

I wished to hell we’d move on. Talk about the weather, Bailey, anything. “Jamie,” I said. “We’ve talked.” As much as we needed
to. What was there to say? Jamie understood. You got through it; you got over it. It was cold in here, or hot. My skin prickled.
I trudged over to the thermometer to check it, see if it’d click on.

“Jamie’s a good friend, isn’t he? I can tell you two are tight.”

No power, of course. “Not that tight,” I said.

“I didn’t mean tight, like tight. That’d be interesting, wouldn’t it? You and Jamie?” She crossed her eyes.

It made me laugh. “Yeah,
real
interesting.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, do you believe in love at first sight?” She sat back down in Dad’s chair, tossing her hair
over both shoulders.

“Definitely,” I said.

She smiled. “Me too. I didn’t used to. I can’t believe how we just clicked. I mean, the first time we laid eyes on each other,
it was like, Wow. I’ve gotta have this. You’re the one I’ve been waiting for all my life.”

My heart propelled out of my chest. Did she mean it?

“He said he felt it too. He couldn’t take his eyes off me.” She lowered her head and blushed.

Bailey. I felt like throwing up. Change the subject again. Predicting when the drought will end is always a rich topic of
conversation.

“Same as us,” Xanadu added. She raised her head and held my eyes. Her warmth enveloped me, caressed me.

What’d she mean? Both of us?

“I knew instantly we’d be friends.”

Friends? I wanted us to be more than friends. We were more.

“So, Mike. Have you ever…?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Ever what? Oh. That. My mouth went dry. “Are you thirsty?” I asked. Head down, I plowed across the room. “Dad usually kept
a six-pack in the fridge.” His mini-fridge was behind her. I had to swivel Xanadu’s legs out of the way to get to it. I actually
touched her. Sparks of electricity flew between us. Real, palpable. I know she felt it. Goose bumps raised on her skin, and
mine too.

In the fridge were a couple of cans of Classic Coke and a quart of Old Milwaukee.

She extended an open hand and I filled it with the beer bottle. Her question lingered. I wanted her to answer it for me. Had
she
ever? Had sex? I didn’t care with who. As long as it wasn’t Bailey. As long as they weren’t doing it, I figured I still had
a chance. She liked me—a lot. She knew instantly she would. There was more going on here than friendship. When would she realize
it, acknowledge it? The touching, smiling, the intimacy, attraction. When would she act on it?

When she was ready, I answered my own question. At any moment.

She drew a long pull of the beer and screwed up her face. “Ugh. Pretty desperate, drinking warm beer at nine
AM.
”

Xanadu passed the bottle to me and I tipped it to my lips. Not only warm. Flat too. I wanted to spit it out, but the bathroom
was clear in back. I gagged as I swallowed. “So. Have you and Bailey…?” I set the bottle on top of the fridge.

A slow smile spread across her lips. “He makes you think he’s this shy, virginal type, right? When we started kissing, it
was like he’d been saving it up. Saving himself, he said. For me. God, it was unbelievable, Mike.”

Why did I have to ask! Stupid. I clutched the neck of the bottle and pitched it in the metal trash can. The glass shattered
and beer splattered everywhere. I said, “Let’s drive to Garden City.”

Xanadu leaped to her feet. “Okay.”

I barreled to the door and flung it wide, crashing outside into the blinding light. Why did I have to ask?

D
r. Kinneson called me to her office out of Geometry. “Where were you yesterday?” she said. “All your teachers reported you
missing. Are you sick? Are you okay?”

“No. I mean, I’m not sick.”

“Is everything all right?”

“Yes.” What could possibly be wrong? Everything was perfect. My dad committed suicide. Xanadu was having sex with Bailey.
“I ditched.”

Dr. Kinneson’s eyes waffled. She studied my face. My face was a study in granite, well rehearsed. She’d never chisel through.
“Why?” she asked.

“Why?” I repeated. What kind of question was that?

“Do you have a reason? Was it an emergency?”

Besides needing to be with Xanadu? It seemed vital at the time. I didn’t reply. Maybe I shrugged.

Leaning across her desk, Dr. Kinneson added, “What do you think I should do about it?”

She was asking me? I got to decide my punishment? “I don’t know. Slap my wrist? Send me to bed hungry?” I smirked.

She didn’t smile.

“I don’t know,” I said again. I’d never ditched before. A class here and there, yeah, when we had a sub. When I needed to
be close to the sky. When no one would miss me. Do you miss me, Dad?

“How about you miss the game with Garden City tonight.”

“What!”

Dr. Kinneson rolled back her chair and stood. “I think that’s fair. One game.”

Fair? I couldn’t miss a game. It wasn’t just a game. “Coach, I’d rather you suspend me. Put me on probation. Make me clean
the johns or something. Anything. I can’t miss a game.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but the phone rang. She answered it. “Yes? All right. Put him through.” She covered the mouthpiece.
“That’ll be all, Mike.”

I felt dizzy. Shaken. Damn her. I charged out the door. How unfair could she be? I’d never missed a game in my life. I wouldn’t.
I’d be letting my teammates down. I’d be letting the town down. If I’d known the price was so high, that it’d cost me this,
my pride, I never would have ditched.

What punishment did Xanadu get? None. Because she was a thousand times smarter than me. She’d called in sick.

They couldn’t believe it. No one could believe it. Me, sitting on the bench. As Coach Kinneson conferred with the ump over
the change in lineup, T.C. apparently got elected to ask. She perched next to me on the bench, leaning over so we were face-to-face,
and said, “What’s up? Are you injured?”

I shook my head at the ground. In sixth grade during a slide into home I’d caught the bag and wrecked my knee. Coach Archuleta
had to rush out and help me off the field. I wanted to scream and cry out in pain, but I wouldn’t. It hurt so bad.

“Baby, it’s okay if you miss a few games,” Dad had told me. “Everyone’ll understand.”

Meaning who? My team? The town? Him?

“I’m fine,” I’d assured him, even though I wasn’t fine. I was hurt. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. They were counting
on me to play. Depending on me to bring home the win.

“You’re one tough cookie,” Dad had said. He was proud. Proud of my strength and courage. He added, “You’re stronger than I’ll
ever be.”

I jerked back to the present. He’d said that. I wasn’t sure what he meant at the time. Now I knew. He was weak. So weak. I
turned to T.C. “I’m fine. I’m just sitting this one out.”

Armie stuck his head around the shell of the lean-to. “Mike, you hurt? How come you’re not out there?”

The game was starting, both bleachers spilling over with people. T.C. clenched my shoulder, then loped onto the field. It
felt like everyone was looking at me. Waiting. Expectant. I shook my head at Armie. He wasn’t going to hear it from me. No
one was.

“Coach,” Armie called over to her. “Why isn’t Mike out there?”

Coach Kinneson said, “She’s benched.”

“What?” Armie sounded shocked. I felt his eyes burn through me as I stared into the middle distance.

“How come?” Armie asked.

Coach scribbled a note on her clipboard. “None of your business,” she said.

My jaw unhinged. Telling Armie that—telling anyone in Coalton that—was like saying, “Fuck you.”

Armie bristled. He stomped back to the bleachers and Coach Kinneson muttered to me, “I get the feeling I’m not going to be
the most popular person in Coalton tomorrow.”

You aren’t today, I thought.

It was agony sitting on the bench, cheering for my team, not being out there. When the Buffs saw I wasn’t playing, it seemed
to energize
them. But Cougars tapped into their own current. Fifth inning, they heightened their play. Everyone’s game was on. Coalton
beat the crap out of Garden City. Without me. It’s not like I wanted us to lose, but…

Xanadu had come with Bailey. All game long, they sat cuddled at the top of the bleachers. If there was a hell, this was it.

I congratulated my team, shared the victory whoop. Big whoop. “Hey, what’d you do?” Darryl caught up with me as I was gathering
my gear. “Murder someone?”

I whirled on him.

“What else would be bad enough that the coach would bench you? Unless you shot your mouth off to her—”

“Shut up.”

“The way you do me.”

“Shut up!” I kicked gravel at him. Took off for home.

“Pretty cruel,” Darryl said at my back. “Not letting you play.”

What would you know! I wanted to scream. You don’t know.

But he did know. He got it. Coach Kinneson couldn’t have hurt me any worse if she’d plunged a knife through my heart.

“Can I go with you tomorrow?” Xanadu asked.

Her words barely registered through my drunken stupor. She’d rested her head in my lap. She was so close, I could touch her
face. Brush her lips with my fingertips, lean down and kiss her. “I could show you guys around Denver,” she said, reaching
up and fondling the ring on the gold chain around my neck. The chain was a payoff from Jamie for agreeing to take him to Denver.
He’d whined and bitched and moaned all week and finally I caved. The ring was Dad’s. Mine now.

Xanadu slipped her index finger into the ring and smiled tenderly at me. I slugged another shot of tequila.

I liked tequila, I was finding out. She must’ve known my preference when she excavated a full bottle of Cuervo Gold from the
Davenports’ root cellar. Who knew what we were celebrating? Who cared?

Jamie was watching me, watching us.

“I could show you my old stomping grounds,” Xanadu said. “Show you where it happened.”

“Where what happened?” Jamie glugged from a bottle of apple wine.

Xanadu tensed. “Nothing.” She let go of the ring and sat up.

Damn you, Jamie.

“What about Bailey?” Jamie asked. “How could you stand being apart from lover boy that long?”

Xanadu sighed wearily. “It’s not me. He’s got this 4-H crap all weekend. “What is 4-H, anyway? Like a sewing club?”

I burst into laughter.

Xanadu grinned and tipped back her bottle of wine. She swallowed a mouthful. “Could I go with you guys? Please?” she begged.

Simultaneously, Jamie said, “No,” and I said, “Yes.” I glared at him. “Why not?”

He widened his eyes at me, like, you know. I didn’t know. Was this a gay thing? A guy thing? “What?” I said.

He lit a smoke, a regular one, and took a drag. “It’d be too crowded in the truck with the four of us.”

“You and Shane’ll be naked in back, won’t you?” Xanadu said. She winked at me.

Jamie sighed. “I can only dream.”

“Anyway, Bailey and I need a break.” Xanadu crooked her finger at Jamie to share the cigarette. “He’s starting to get on my
nerves.”

I struggled to sit up. “Yeah?”

Xanadu pulled a deep drag and blew out the smoke. “He thinks he owns me. Why do guys do that, get all possessive? He told
me today he didn’t like me coming to the caboose and drinking with you guys. I
mean, come on. What else are you going to do in Totoland? I told him he could come with us, share the joy, but he made up
some lame excuse about wanting to worm the calves before he left in the morning.”