Priceless Inspirations (13 page)

If a man even looks like he’s
thinking
of raising a hand to me, it’s over. If he ever touched me, I’d call the police, yell for everybody in the neighborhood and call everybody in my family. I would never keep a secret like that, and I don’t care what you threaten me with. I’d never forgive him either. A man who hits you once will do it again.

You hear me?

If he hits you once he will do it again. It doesn’t matter how sorry he is, or what he promises. Don’t fall for it. Don’t get caught up in the cycle. Don’t end up like my friend.

Please.

Toya’s Priceless Gem: Physical and verbal abuse are NOT love. If your boyfriend or husband or baby’s father is abusive to you, it’s time to get out of the relationship. Call the police, call a shelter, tell a supportive friend or family member. Be smart and safe, and get help before you get away, but do get away. Your life might depend on it
.

MONEY AND FAME

We all need money, but I believe what the Bible says--the love of money really
is
the root of all evil. Everybody needs money to live, but I’m not the type of person who is money hungry.

I know some people don’t believe that. They think that because I was married to Dream and we have a daughter together, I must have been gold digging from the beginning. It’s not true. When I first met Dream, I didn’t even know he was in music seriously, and I certainly had no way of knowing he would have the career that he ended up having. I just thought he was funny and sweet. It didn’t go any deeper than that in the beginning.

Even after he became more successful, it wasn’t about the money. I wanted to marry Dream because I loved him, not to get my hands on more of his money. There was no reason for me to be like that because he’d always been generous to me and to his daughter. For me, it was always about love, pure and simple.

Some people I’ve known, and even members of my own family, don’t see it like that. Some people are money
hungry
, and if they find someone who has some, they’ll latch on like blood suckers. If they were in my situation, they would have had every penny Dream ever made, and be mad at him because there wasn’t any more.

Although I’ve never been money hungry, I haven’t always been as independent as I am now. It took me a long time to figure out what
I
wanted to do, what I was good at, and what I liked. While it’s nice to spend other people’s money, spending
my own
, without having to ask anybody for it, or explain how I plan to spend it, is the best feeling in the world.

I’ve never sought fame either, but I’ve learned some things from it, too.It’s nice because I get some pretty amazing opportunities to go places, meet people and do things, but it has its down side, too. For a long time, I wasn’t known for anything other than being Dream’s “baby mama.” I hated that. I hated not being known for myself, but instead only for who I used to be married to. This made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything on my own. It made me doubt myself.

Like money, fame attracts both users and scary people. It sometimes brings out the worst in the people closest to you, too. Sometimes it brings out the worst in people you’d never expect to act that way. If money and fame are what you’re seeking for yourself or through a relationship, you need to be careful. Things aren’t always what they seem.

Ballers and Rappers

I know for a lot of girls, it’s all about getting a guy with money. They want to be with a bailer or a rapper for the fancy things he can give them and the lifestyle he can provide. I can tell you from experience how people treat you when they know they’re in charge. When men feel like they have power over you, they treat you like crap.

For years and years, I had to go to Dream for everything I wanted. As I’ve said, he was good about it for the most part, but every now and then, he’d be upset with me about something and I knew I couldn’t ask for anything. I always had to think, “Is this a good time for me to ask?” I had to be always thinking, always figuring out how to put it, and always guessing what his mood was so I could be prepared to deal with it. If he thought I’d done something, or if he was mad at me for whatever reason, I wouldn’t get what I needed. I always had to wait on him to decide what he wanted to do.

It was
his
money, not mine.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s nice to have a guy who has money, and it’s nice to have a guy who wants to do for you. Like I said, I’m not money hungry, but I don’t want a broke guy either. I want someone who is ambitious, and who is doing things and making money, like me. I want someone who can do things with me now, but who’s also thinking about the future enough to be planning to grow old with me.

As good as it is to have a man who can provide, it’s just as important to be able to do for
yourself
. Then you’ll never be in the position that a lot of bailer girlfriends and wives find themselves in, where you’re begging all the time, or even worse, where he gets tired of you and then you’re cut off and you’ve got nothing to fall back on.

Since I started making my own money, I don’t have think about anybody’s mood but my own. I don’t have to ask. I spend what I need to spend when I need to spend it. I can’t tell you how good it feels.

I can’t hate or knock girls who are looking for a bailer or a rapper, but I wouldn’t encourage
anybody
to depend on a man. It’s best to have your own, too.

Some girls go really far in their efforts to get a guy’s attention, thinking that if they dress a certain way or do certain things sexually, it’s going to keep a man. What they don’t understand is that bailers, rappers and guys like that get women to do all kinds of stuff to them and for them all the time. It doesn’t mean a thing to them other than a good locker room story. It won’t make them make a commitment to you, and they’ll have another girl doing the same thing to them tomorrow.

Don’t embarrass yourself by being slutty, or acting like some kind of freak. If you do get a bailer or a rapper that way, you can be sure you’ll only have him for that one night. There’s no way he’s going to wife you up.

Instead, it makes more sense to be yourself and to show some self-respect. If he likes you for being you, then maybe you have a chance at something more.

On Fame: Can You Listen To My Mix Tape?

Fame has definitely been a mixed blessing for me. I can’t escape from that one relationship that first put me in the spotlight. I can’t help who I fell in love with, but that’s over now and it’s not the only thing I have going on. My new show,
Toya’s Family Affair
, is just about me. It’s not about Dream at all. My boutique “The Garb” is something I’m doing on my own. I didn’t name it “Dream’s Baby Mama’s Place” trying to build off of him and his name. Even with this book, I didn’t write some tell-all, Dream-bashing story. I wrote about me. Dream is a part of the story, but only a part.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t get any credit for any of the things I’ve done on my own. I can’t get credit for choosing not to live my life completely in the shadow of my relationship with Dream. I’m famous because of who I fell in love with, even though it’s something that I couldn’t help.

Being well-known is cool. It’s brought me some pretty wonderful opportunities. It almost feels wrong to complain about any part of it. There are definitely times when it gets tricky. I try to let those moments just roll off my back, but every now and then, something really upsets me, or really scares me.

Everywhere I go, nearly every day, I meet someone who thinks that, because of who I’m associated with, I can help them with their career in music. Sometimes it’s people on the street, or it’s a friend of a friend, or even I guy I might have gone on a date with.

“Toya! Can you listen to my CD?”

“Toya, can you get that producer you know to sign me?”

“Can you get Dream to listen to this?”

“Bring Dream to my show!”

I have to keep explaining that I have nothing to do with that.
I’m
not in the music business. Dream is, but I’m not. I can’t just hand him the stuff people try to give me. That would be like me telling him how to do what he does, and I’m not going to do that. It’s not my place and it’s disrespectful of everything he’s had to do to get where he is.

When I try to tell people this, they get mad at me sometimes. They feel like I should try to help them get started in the business, and when I won’t do it, I’m being stuck-up or full of myself.

Here’s the thing they don’t get. From what I’ve observed over the years, hardly anyone really gets a career because they know someone or they are related to someone. Getting a career in music requires the same things from everybody. You’ve gotta get out there and hustle. You’ve got to build a following. You’ve got to show that enough people like what you’re doing and that you will make the label money. You can have mad skills, but unless you’ve got a fan base, it won’t matter much.

Like most things in life, you can’t expect someone else to do it for you.

I had to say this to my own brother. He’s a rapper and he’s definitely got skills. He came to me and he was like, “Toya, you gotta give my stuff to Dream and put me
on
. You gotta give my stuff to your producer friend.”

I had to tell him that I couldn’t do it and I had to tell him why. He was pissed with me, but I’ve just made that a rule. No exceptions, not even for family.

I know my brother will make his way because he’s good, because he’s grinding, and because people like what he does. Just like with money, it’s better when you know
you
have earned it.

So please, if you see me on the street one day, don’t ask me to hook you up with Dream or with the producer I know. Just say “Hi Toya!” and leave it at that.

Stalkers and Crazies

People see me on TV and they feel like they know me. This is good in a way. I’m glad my show has touched so many people, and in a way, they
do
know me. I’m 100% myself on the show. What you see is my life, for real.

However, you don’t see everything, and the things you see on camera are only a small part of what goes on and of who I am. Although I’m grateful to the millions of people who have tuned in to watch
Tiny and Toya
and to watch the new show,
Toya’s Family Affair
, I don’t know them as well as they know me.

Most people understand this, but sometimes I meet people who don’t.

“Hey Toya!” they’ll say, then start talking to me like I’m their best friend. Then they get mad when I don’t respond that way. I can’t help it and I really am sorry. I don’t mean to be conceited or rude. I just don’t know them.

Then there are the guys who watch the show and decide that they are the ones for me. These guys are much scarier, because sometimes they follow me around or try to touch me. Once I met a guy like this who made me so nervous I thought I was going to have to call the police.

“Toya, I love you. I wanna take care of you. I’m gonna treat you right.”

He just went on and on, and he wouldn’t quit. I finally got away from him and got in my car to go home, but when I looked in the rear view mirror, there was someone following me.

My little brother was in the car with me that night.

“Pull into that gas station,” he said.

The car pulled in right behind us and my brother jumped out. It was the same guy who had just professed his love for me, now following us in his car.

My little brother took serious action.

“Leave her alone!” He was screaming at the top of his lungs, and people were looking at him like he was crazy. He probably did sound crazy, but he was trying to help me. He was trying to scare the guy into leaving. “Get away from her or I’ll call the cops!” he shouted, pounding on the guy’s car.