“Go ahead.”
Ten minutes later, my phone was reset and I dialed Wes’s number.
“Well, hello there.”
A wide smile spread on my face as he answered the phone.
“My phone is fixed. How’s Vivian?”
“They haven’t come in yet to take her out of the coma. I’ll keep you updated. See you tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“Go home and get some rest.”
Kevin was on the couch when I got home. “Where you been? You said you had to run an errand and you disappear for an entire day?”
“Wes’s roommate is in the hospital with a drug overdose. Kind of a crazy day.”
“Wow, is she okay?”
I shrugged. “I’ll be able to answer that later.”
I took a deep breath and wiped my palms on my pants. Kevin walked over to me.
“What is it?”
“I think I want to go see Ann.”
His eyes widened. “That sounds like a terrific idea.”
“Will you come with me? I think I want to go this weekend.”
“Of course.”
I’d spent the last few years basing my decisions on my past. Not getting in serious relationships over fear of being hurt, holding onto anger instead of focusing on forgiveness. I was ready to move on.
The reason I was so antsy about Vivian was because of memories of Ann and Wes. In order to begin the process of healing, I needed to start at the source of my problems.
My mother was never a good parent to me, and that was never going to change. But I was sick of being angry at her. My life was coming together, and I was ready to purge my negative emotions. I no longer cared about what transpired between the two of them. All I wanted was to forget about it and move on. I had to forgive her.
14
“She just fell asleep,” Wes said as I stepped in the hospital room later that afternoon.
“How is she?”
He nodded. “So far, so good. She can’t speak yet, but she woke up for a bit.”
I smiled, rubbing his back. “That’s great. I wanted to check on her before I head out of town.”
His brows shot up. “Where are you going?”
I exhaled a long breath. “Going to see Ann again. I’m ready.”
His eyes darkened, and he nodded. “Would you mind… if I went to see her, too?”
One side of my lip curled into a snarl. “Why the hell do you need to do that?” I said, a little too loudly.
“Because I need to forgive her, too. My life was shattered that day, and it’s time we both have a fresh start.”
“You need to forgive her for seducing you?”
His jaw tightened. “I didn’t have sex with your mother.”
I shook my head. “Sorry; let’s drop it.”
I’d already forgiven Wes; I didn’t need to bring up our past. And once I saw Ann this final time, I was never going to talk about the subject again. I didn’t understand why he needed to see her, but I had to trust him.
“When are you leaving?”
“Saturday morning.”
Kevin had a hard line on his lips when I told him Wes was coming with us, but he didn’t fight me on it. After we arrived in Texas, Wes and I headed to his place, and Kevin went to his parents. It was early morning, and we decided to take a few hours to settle in before meeting at Ann’s later.
“Oh, my God!” I said, stepping inside of his massive home. “I thought your townhouse was nice, but this is crazy!”
He smiled as I studied his home. It was modern with touches of a rustic, country feel. Although it was put together nicely, it was definitely a bachelor’s home. Walking straight through the foyer, I entered his gigantic living room, which had a wood fireplace and high ceilings.
I walked to the floor to ceiling windows overlooking his backyard, gasping when I saw his pool and gazebo in the back.
“This is amazing!”
He walked behind me, looking over his manicured landscape. His backyard was nothing short of an oasis. “Thank you. There’s one thing I never thought I’d be able to do here.”
“What’s that?”
He pulled me to him and gave me a hard kiss. “It’s never been properly christened. I’ve never brought a woman here- except Viv.”
I smiled wide, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Well I think I can help you with that.”
“Did you let her know we were coming?”
I shook my head at Wes’s question. “She’s dying, right? She isn’t busy.”
I knocked on the door to my childhood home and stepped inside, a lot more confident than I was before. The last time, I entered the house with expectations; I was expecting her words to have an impact on my future. What she told me was going to affect whether I gave Wes another chance or not. But this time, it was just to say goodbye.
She’d never given me anything of value my entire life, and I shouldn’t have expected that to change on her deathbed. This was for me, and I wasn’t going to allow her to ruin my progress.
“Ann?” I called out.
She emerged from the hallway bathroom, walking with a hunch in her back. Her eyes widened when she spotted us, stopping her in her tracks.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, looking directly at Wes.
“I came to talk to you,” I said, stepping forward.
She shook her head. “Are you with him again? How could you be so stupid? He’s not good for you, Keisha.”
Since when did she care what’s good for me? If she was worried about that, she wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place.
Wes took a step back, hands in his pockets as he gawked at my mother’s frail form. I didn’t know what he came to say to her, but it looked like he changed his mind.
“I just came to apologize to you.”
Ann looked at me in horror. “What?”
“I wanted to apologize for my attitude throughout all these years, for storming out the last time I was here. For so long, I would get upset with you about the way you treated me, but now I acknowledge it’s not your fault. Your inability to love me like a mother prevented us from having the relationship I wanted, but I accept you for who you are. I just wanted to let you know that I forgive you.”
Wes chimed in behind me. “And I forgive you, too. Even if you won't admit what you did.”
She folded her arms at Wes. “Typical male, can't take responsibility for your actions. Cheating is a two-way street, buddy. At least I admit what happened.”
Wes sneered, but kept his composure. “Do you even remember what happened?”
“How
dare
you?” she burst into a fit of coughing, and Kevin walked up to stabilize her.
She smacked him away. “All of you, get out! I’ve spent my entire life trying to be the best mother I could be, and even when I’m dying, you push me away.”
“That’s not what this is about,” I said.
“You choose that lying piece of shit over your own mother! After everything I’ve done for you!”
I threw my hands in the air, rage building but I wasn’t going to allow it to take over. “What have you done for me? Oh, I’m sorry; you mean I should thank you for shaping me into the woman I am today.”
I pointed to the scar on my forehead. “Should I thank you for the scars you gave me from years of abuse? Or my trust issues because of your betrayal and lies? Or maybe I should simply thank you for the basics: the food, shelter, and clothing you provided.”
I snorted, looking at Kevin. “Oh wait, that was Kevin’s parents who provided that for me. Fed me when you were too hungover to go to the grocery store, clothed me when you spent your last bit of money on alcohol and dinner with your man of the week, sheltered me when you kicked me out so you and your men could have the house to yourself. Yes, Ann, thank you. Without you, I don’t know how I would’ve become this amazing person I am!”
Wes wrapped an arm around my waist as tears began streaming. Ann walked up to me, her face ashen. The men gasped when she smacked me hard across my face, memories of my childhood flooding back.
“You can’t talk to me like this,” she said with a quivering lip, crocodile tears building.
She didn’t get it. She was still the same old woman. Seeing her undeserved sense of entitlement made bile rise in my throat. She didn’t deserve to see the woman I grew up to become. She didn’t get to take credit for my life. That was me.
She tried to break me down my entire life. She tried to take the love of my life away from me. She was the queen of manipulation, and I don’t know what she did to get Wes to take his clothes off for her, but I no longer cared. I no longer blamed him. She was a snake. She was pathetic.
My eyes narrowed into tiny slits as I spoke to her in a low voice. “If there’s one thing you get from this conversation, Ann, it’s this: I’m not the woman I am
because
of you; I’m the woman I am
despite
you. I hope you spend the rest of your miserable life letting that sink in.”
My body tensed in anger as she pointed a finger in my face.
“Get the hell out!”
Shaking my head, I headed towards the door, crying as I realized it would be the last time I’d ever step across the threshold. I turned to look at her one last time.
“Like I said, I forgive you. Goodbye, Ann.”
I sucked in huge gulps of air, bending over and resting my hands on my knees as I fought back the tears. Wes walked up to me in the front yard, pulling me into an embrace. I hugged him back, and his body was shaking almost as badly as mine.
Kevin walked up behind us. “Let’s go get dinner. You’ve done all you can do.”
We headed to one of my favorite restaurants in town- a hamburger shop Kevin and I used to go to in high school. Kev and I smiled at each other as our old booth was unoccupied, and we headed for our spot.
“So, what are you going to do with the rest of our trip?” I asked Kevin over dinner.
He was all smiles as he glanced up from his phone. He shrugged. “Probably spend time with my parents.”
“I’d love to see them.”
“How about tomorrow night? Maybe we can do a big dinner like we used to.”
“That sounds great.” I looked at his phone when he started typing again. “On Facebook again, huh?”
He glanced up. “Yeah.”
“Well, put it away; it’s time to eat.”
He tucked the phone in his jacket pocket, which was hanging on his chair behind him. I was happy he and Wes were getting along for our dinner. I didn’t know if they were doing it out of consideration for me, or if because Kevin was in a good mood from “Facebook.” Either way, I wasn’t complaining.
Wes’s phone rang. “It’s work, I have to take this.”
He stood and walked out of the restaurant. Kevin stood a moment later.
“I’m going to run to the bathroom.”
My phone rang, and I saw it was Ann. What the hell did she want? No part of me was curious enough to answer. We’d fought before, even given each other the silent treatment, but this time was different. This time I was done.
I was grown and had my own life, my own future to think about. I wasn’t some young woman trying to figure out the ways of the world and desperately clinging to any shred of compassion from my mother.
I added her to my auto-reject list and put my phone back in my purse.
After dinner, Wes and I got in our rental car, and Kevin called a cab.
“Breakfast tomorrow? I’m going to head to my parents.”
I nodded, pulling him in for a hug. He squeezed me tight. “Yes. Thank you so much for today.”
He rubbed my back before we parted. “Anytime, babe. Love you.”
“Love you too,” I said, wiping a stray tear.
I may not have had a normal family, but I did have family. Kevin was with me through the worst of times, and he stuck it out with me through everything. I don’t know what I would do without him.
And Wes knew that. Whatever tension they had was going to have to get worked out. Just like I had to do with Vivian.
We went back to his place and I collapsed on the couch, sighing.
“How do you feel?” he asked, sitting on the couch next to me.
“Good. Actually better than I’ve ever felt. Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m ready to move on to the next chapter.”
He nodded, smoothing a hand over my belly.
“Everything seems so surreal. I can't wait to start over with you. I’ve spent the last few years without you, living without love. Trying to figure out how to survive a lifetime without it. I just felt so helpless with you gone. I need to know that you’ll stay.”
I sat up, cupping his face. “Of course I will. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I’ll do anything to prove myself to you; to get you to trust me again.”
“Wes-”
“I know we’re starting from scratch, and I’m okay with that. Just keep your mind open to loving me fully.”
“I love you. I’m not leaving you. What do I need to do to prove it? Do you want to get married now?”
He shook his head. “You’re not ready.”
“Of course I am.”
“No. I’m not marrying you until you trust me. Until you can give yourself to me completely. I want my old Key back, and I know that will take time.”
He stood and went to the bathroom. Was he right? Was I still holding back? A part of my mind would always drift to the day I saw him with Ann, but I wasn’t holding that against him anymore. Was I?
“Still not answering?” Wes asked me the next morning. I shook my head. We’d been trying to call Kevin for over an hour to head out to breakfast.
“Let’s just go to his parents’ to pick him up.”
I’d spent half the night tossing and turning in bed, thinking about what Wes said to me. My heart was ready for him. I wanted him wholly, and I wanted him to have all of me. But my head was in the way. I needed to find a way to believe him about that day, to believe him when he said nothing happened. I wanted to so desperately, but my memories of that day wouldn’t allow it.
I’d hoped that memories of that day would pass. All memories fade over time. But that memory didn’t. I remembered it clear as day, and he was right; it was holding me back.
We rang the doorbell to his parents; his mom looked startled to see me.
“Keisha? What are you doing here?” she said, pulling me in for a hug.
I hugged her back, surprised at how long it had been and how much I actually missed her. She was the closest thing I had to a mom, and I knew she loved me like I was her own daughter.
“Just picking up Kevin. He’s not answering his phone.”
“Kevin’s in town?”
I had the feeling that Kevin had no intention of a big family dinner with all of us. “Y-yeah. He didn’t tell you? He said he was spending time with you all.”
She shook her head. “We haven’t seen him in over a year. He got in a blowout with his father about someone he was dating and hasn’t been back since.”