Authors: David Halliday
A brief word
about Tommy Lee Jones’s Glock 9mm
: It seems a little too convenient doesn’t it? It seems like a
deus ex machina
, that this might even be possible let alone probable. But next time you see Tommy Lee, look into those millennia-aged eyes of flint, those eyes of hard jungle wisdom that reach far back before time was conceptually initiated, and for a moment,
dare
to wonder whether he isn’t packing heat.
Woody Allen watched Tommy Lee Jones walk downstairs in
a rolling gait, the exact same way he would walk to fetch a Samuel Adams from the fridge in his Upper West Side apartment.
Woody Allen had Netflix and was familiar with all Mr. Jones’s work, but never had he seen the man in any of his roles channel such cool, such fierceness, such titanium solidarity. The dwarfish figure of Jones approached the stage without hurry or hesitation. The sheen of his boots glowed under the orange stage lights. Every wrinkle on his face had a shadow.
The minds of people are rarely focused on what they are doing at any given moment. Our minds give us the ability to exist outside of our bodies at all times. With pterodactyls, life is exactly the opposite. The clarinet music of love was over, but the scent that had dominated all impulses remained. The pterodactyl felt it was more alone than it was fifteen minutes before, but the deep longing remained.
The polished wood of the stage creaked as Tommy Lee Jones stepped up. Woody Allen watched as the
pterodactyl ignored its new visitor, stretching out its wings like an old French monoplane. Tommy Lee Jones, like an ancient Emperor, like a decorated general of all history’s armies, surveyed the creature with heavily lidded eyes. Woody Allen saw not an actor, but Robert E. Lee standing before the Gettysburg dawn. General Tommy Lee Jones ambled over and drew his weapon. The pterodactyl recognised the smell of his guest as being the smell of something he loved without reason, a new visitor on the stage which was now his life and universe. The pterodactyl was trapped so insufferably in the present that each moment was brand new, like a birth. The pterodactyl lifted its beak to Tommy Lee. The actor stood metres away with the Glock by his side, pointed to the floor. The pterodactyl clambered towards Tommy Lee with the claws in its wings stabbing heavily into the stage. It looked like a giant sagging capital ‘M’. Slowly it lifted its sharp muzzle and brushed it against Tommy Lee Jones’s left arm. It was then that the creature felt something akin to what we know as happiness.
The actor placed his palm up against the colossal beak, pressing the flesh of his grizzled hand against the face of the dinosaur.
It felt cold; more like a sea shell. The actor held his hand there in benediction, a symbol of man’s illusory and temporal dominance over beasts. They stood like that in the glare of the lights making solemn and secret promises to one another that may never be tamed enough for language or voice.
The
pterodactyl breathed in Tommy Lee Jones and worshipped him in the moment, loving him in all the completion a true love may offer.
But for some loves, the timing is all wrong.
Tommy Lee Jones closed his eyes and with a heart full of sorrow, placed the muzzle of the Glock against where he estimated the location of the brain was. Some creatures, some sad, sad creatures were only ever born for the moment of their death. Some were indeed born to endless night.
Woody Allen watched as Tommy Lee Jones stood with one hand caressing the creature’s beak, the other
pressing the gun against the long head. In the stage lights and anonymous darkness of the amphitheatre, he watched as Tommy Lee Jones squeezed the trigger.
The shot was loud
: sharp yet muffled; a balloon bursting in a small room. It echoed around the auditorium for a full minute.
The bird was fading; becoming less and less
something
, yet still gutted with love for a thing it could not name. With a beak full of pheromones sending it to ecstasy, the giant prehistoric winged beast crumpled on the stage like a collapsing set piece. Its head nuzzled the ground, deliberately sliding close to Tommy Lee Jones’s leg. Its vision faded yet it still loved Tommy Lee Jones. It loved him so hard! But for no reason it could discern. Did it need a reason to burn with the fiercest love the force of life was capable of producing? The pterodactyl’s leg joints popped as the massive body slumped against the stage. Its thoughts flipped around like a fish on the sand and were cruelly nonsensical, sapped of meaning. If they could be translated, they would loosely be read as: “
crunchy, but sad”
. The beast had heard the clarinet music of angels, met its god, and perished.
What more is there to be said? A pointless and bizarre love took the Pterodactyl to its pointless and bizarre end.
A story that is thematically all too common.
Tommy Lee Jones and Woody Allen were in the media constantly for the following month. Without knowing what City Hall’s official stan
ce on the issue should be, Mayor Bloomberg offered them both keys to the city. Without knowing whether it warranted the move, they accepted on the proviso that the ceremony was closed to public and press.
No one particularly felt any pride about what
had ensued that autumn; no one was really sure what to feel, but there was the nagging feeling that perhaps the death of the prehistoric beast was a grand and terrible thing. Its love was never discovered, and so the sharpness of the actual tragedy was never recognised. The other nine pterodactyls did not stay long. The death of one of their number did not go unnoticed. They were spotted over the city for several days after the tragedy; and then they were simply gone. And no one knew whether it was cause for celebration or mourning, or how heartbreaking a move this was for them. Witnesses last heard the pterodactyls screeching over Long Island Sound, then they were heard no more. With the beasts gone, it was as though the residents of NYC had awoken from a dream, blearily confused, looking to one another for reference points. Then life continued, indifferent and chaotic, and no one could explain anything.