He grabbed his chest where it was hurting. Maybe he was having a heart attack. The pain continued, and he bent double, holding himself up by one hand on the wall.
Petra.
He needed her. He wanted her. He loved her. She was gone. He was alone, so goddamned alone. He watched as a drop of water hit the floor at his feet and wondered where it was coming from. A slight breeze cooled the wet, heated trail on his left check. He was crying.
Such a big tough. Crying over a little sub that you pushed to leave.
He straightened and grabbed his keys from the bench. He needed to get out of here, he needed air. The walls were closing in on him. He turned toward his car parked in the driveway and saw Petra sitting in her car, and she was crying. He’d done that to her. He had hurt her. Fuck no. He hadn’t made her cry. She was the one who loved two men. She was the one who couldn’t choose. She didn’t deserve his pity. He glanced one more time at her before he reached his car. The sobs were racking her body. Maybe he would just go over and offer to drive her home. She was in no condition to drive. No, he couldn’t get close to her, he needed space. If he went over to her now, he would take her back. He would do something stupid like tell her he would share her. He knew he couldn’t. He was too dominant for that. He didn’t like sharing anything. He couldn’t share the love of his life. No, he…Maybe, would it be that bad? He growled in frustration. He shouldn’t even have to consider this kind of shit. No, he needed to get far away from them both. Kyle and Petra would suck him into a vortex of hell, and then he wouldn’t be able to get out. He would be living a life he couldn’t live. He deserved better. Hell, they deserved better. He started the car and drove off to the only place he could think of, the only place he knew he would have sanctuary. But before he could take sanctuary, he had a responsibility. He activated his phone using the car Bluetooth.
“Hello?”
“Kyle.”
“Hey, Caleb. What are you up to?”
He was so cheery. He had no idea his life had just been fucked up. Or maybe it hadn’t been fucked up, maybe this would make him happy. It’s not like Kyle wanted a permanent triad relationship. This could be just what Kyle wanted. He after all was getting the girl.
“You need to get to my place. Petra’s sitting out front in her car, and she’s in no condition to drive.”
“What the fuck? What’s going on? Is she hurt?”
The panic in his words made him feel guilty for not explaining himself properly.
“It’s over, Kyle. You’re on your own. Petra is yours.” Simple and to the point.
“I don’t understand. What the hell is going on, Caleb?”
“Look, just go and get Petra and take care of her.” He needed this conversation to be over. He needed it all to be over. “Just…make her happy. Love her.” He cut off the call before Kyle could respond. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t talk. He just needed silence. He scrolled through his contacts again until he found what he was looking for. Activating the phone again, he waited as it rang.
“Hello?”
“I need sanctuary.” He sounded desperate, he sounded wounded. He supposed he was, but she would understand.
“Always, my love. Come home.”
Even the sound of her voice settled him. He calmed, knowing soon he would be with her.
“I’ll be there soon.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
He breathed deeply, pulling himself back together. He now had a purpose and a destination, a place to heal, and soon this would all be over. He’d made the right decision. He knew he had. Hadn’t he?
Chapter Twenty-One
As he stopped the car he looked up at the front porch of the house he’d called ‘sanctuary’ since he was a child. The screen door opened and a curvy, vivacious redhead walked out of the house, a smile of welcome on her lips. The sun reflected off her hair, lighting the fiery strands, a color somewhere between red wine and golden nectar. The flowing curls accentuated her milk-white skin dotted with random freckles. Most other fair redheads had pixy looks, but not her, she had the body of a ‘50s film star and the sex appeal to match. She truly was a beautiful woman.
“Darling, right on time. I’ve just opened the bottle.”
“Sara.” Thank God he’d decided to come. She’d help him.
“This is serious,” she said with a look of worry on her face.
He stormed toward her and wrapped her in his arms. The relief he felt at having her in his arms was overwhelming. So many emotions crashed and tumbled through his brain. She pulled back and put her hand on the side of his face.
“Caleb, what’s happened?”
How could he tell her? So much had happened. He was lost and he hurt. “I found and lost someone I could love.”
“Oh, Caleb, come inside and tell me.”
She took his hand and led him into the house. Why couldn’t he have found someone like her?
“So, dear brother, tell your little sister all about it.”
When he entered the house, all the familiar smells from his childhood assaulted his senses. The finely polished oak floors scattered with rag rugs, the vases of fragrant flowers, and the familiar kitchen with the white wicker lounge setting by the window overlooking the English country garden. This place, the home of his grandparents, had been the place he had come when in need of unconditional love and affection. It had always been his sanctuary. And when his grandparents had died within two months of each other, Sara, his sister, had moved in and given it the love and attention it deserved.
“Are you going to counsel me like one of your patients?”
“Do you need me to counsel you?” Such a typical an answer from her, answering a question with a question.
“Original, sis,” he replied with snarky childishness.
“Is this about Petra?” she asked as she handed him a glass of wine.
“You know about Petra?”
“Darling, everyone at the club knows about you, Kyle, and Petra. That scene at the auction night has gone down in the history books.”
“Yeah, Petra and I are going our separate ways.”
“That doesn’t sound right. Did you push her away because you couldn’t accept the situation?”
“I thought you wanted to help me, not point out my flaws.”
“Pointing out your flaws does help you. Besides, you’re my big brother, it’s my duty to make fun of you,” she replied with a smile.
“She loves Kyle.” He felt like the knife in his heart just shifted and with it a fresh bout of pain followed.
“And let me guess. You believe Kyle deserves Petra where you don’t. And you don’t believe you could share with Kyle, even though you’ve been the closest of friends since the day you met.”
“It’s not that simple, Sara. It’s not just Kyle and Petra, there’s Joel to consider as well.”
“Caleb, I’ll be the first person to tell you nothing is truly simple unless you want to make it so. But I also saw how you were with her. You were you.”
“I lose control around her.”
“Yes, the tight control that keeps your world perfect and all in neat little boxes. The boxes that no one can ever really touch you in.”
“You do,” he replied, desperate to hold on to any piece of proof that what she was saying wasn’t true.
“Yes, Caleb, but I’m family.”
“Sara, you know better than anyone how much control is important to me. I’m not like the other players.”
“Caleb, I did a study of sadism, remember, and you were my primary subject. I know about you and the inner beast you leash.” He couldn’t look her in the eyes. “I also know you let the beast out to play with Petra. I feel I need to tell you that Petra was once a patient of mine.”
“What? Why would she have seen you?”
“Hold on there. One, you know there’s patient confidentiality, so I won’t tell you anything about my sessions with her. Two, I believe every person at some point in their lives needs to see a therapist. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, and no one should think there’s something wrong with them to want to see a therapist.”
“I know. You know you’re preaching to the converted here. I was just interested.”
“Petra and I are actually friends.”
“Really?” He’d thought introducing them was a great idea because he knew they’d get along like a house on fire, and he’d never asked Petra whether she knew Sara. He’d never actually seen them together, but he’d be the first to admit he hadn’t really noticed Petra at all before the night of the auction. Her size crossed her off his list of possibilities. He knew from his medical training that just because someone was smaller in stature, it didn’t make them any more fragile than someone bigger or taller. But it was inbuilt to try to protect those who were weaker and that anything small is fragile and weak. But Petra wasn’t weak or fragile. He’d never taken the time to get to know her or to understand her before that night, which seemed so long ago, but also seemed like yesterday.
“Yes, I like her. She’s as honest as they come, she’s real, and she’s proud of who she is. Though I must admit, you wouldn’t want to cross her. Although she has a heart of gold.”
“She loves him, Sara. She loves him.”
“That’s the second time you’ve said that. Tell me, Caleb, does she also love you?”
“She told me she does. But she loves him.”
“I thought you were a ménage, and from my understanding that’s what everyone wants for each other in that kind of relationship. They want to be loved equally.”
“Sara, you know I don’t share.”
“Oh! So that’s the problem.”
“What are you talking about? Of course that’s the problem.” How hadn’t she seen that right from the start? Who the hell shares his woman with another man?
“Well, I thought given the sudden influx of ménage collarings lately that you’d joined the bandwagon.”
He hadn’t really thought about it, but the last two ceremonies at the club had been a triad and then a quad. The quad he understood. A bisexual’s best chance at forever was either a ménage or an open relationship. But Michael and Jason were not together, they just shared Grace. Could he and Kyle do that? Could he share the top with Kyle? His inner beast screamed in denial. It wouldn’t share. It had to be the one in control. It needed Petra kneeling at its feet swearing love and devotion to only it.
“No. It’s not my lifestyle,” he denied.
“You know, Caleb, things I would have accepted and wanted in my life ten or even five years ago are not the ones I would want now. Time changes us all. Most of all when we accept who we really are, the need to control and have our relationships fit into a neat little box diminishes. Of course you could choose to stop growing. You could stay just as you are, living out the years of your life on the same level with the same beliefs. It’s your choice, Caleb.”
“Yes, Yoda, I see the force.”
“God, you’re such a dick sometimes, Caleb,” she said, cuffing him on the arm.
They both laughed, lightening the mood. “So tell me. How’s your love life going?”
“Nothing much to tell actually. There’s no one around who’s sparked my interest.” She placed her glass back on the counter, spinning it in her fingers.
“But as usual you have many of them interested in you.”
“Darling brother, thank you for noticing.”
“So why hasn’t anyone held your interest?” Not that he was surprised, she ran through men like candy. Not that she took them all to her bed, but any she did didn’t stay there long. He’d thought for years she should try being a dominatrix. But time and time again she proved she was a submissive. Once, he’d hoped that she and Craig would get together, but when he thought about it perhaps they were too much alike. He still fantasized that one day they would discover each other and have a happily ever after. But now with Sophie on the scene he knew that dream needed to be put to rest. Though maybe not. No, he needed to move past that now and try to find someone to make her happy. At least one of them should be happy.
“Because, dear brother, I’m looking for someone with a brain. Someone who’s not a conceited egomaniac. I want someone who has love, respect, and pride for themselves as well as their partner. I want a man who’s open to change and willing to see every option as an adventure to be explored.”
“My God, Sara, here you are telling me I should accept a ménage as a happily ever after, when what you want for yourself is a fairy tale.” She laughed at his statement.
“Fine then, let’s blame our parents and move on to more interesting topics.”
“Okay, what’s next on the agenda?”
“Have you met this Sophie that Craig has hidden in the club?”
“Yes, I have. Why?”
“How the mighty have fallen.” They both smiled as they raised their glasses to toast the fall of the mighty Craig Blackwell.
The days seemed to fly by as they caught up with each other and talked of work, of patients and new discoveries. Before they both knew it, four days had passed and it was time to reenter the world. Caleb was thankful for his time with his sister and his time out of the hell that his life had become. He missed Petra and even Kyle, but a part of him was glad it was over. He no longer had to question whether he could live with sharing. Wondering what Petra was to him. Wondering why he felt the way he did.