Grabbing a blanket, I huddled up on the couch and stared at absolutely nothing. Which was perfect. I needed to think about absolutely nothing.
My phone chose that moment to go off and I swallowed the knot that had lodged in my throat as I answered. My voice was husky and uneven, which gave credence to the lie I told when Edward’s greeting immediately went from
Good morning
to
What’s wrong
?
“Nothing. I’m just not feeling too well.”
“Are you sick?” The softness of his voice was a soothing balm after the scathing tones of Flynn’s voice and I wished Edward was there, that I could lean against him and ask him to make everything bad go away.
If only it was that easy. If only I could tell him what was really wrong.
“I don’t know. I might have just had a few too many last night.”
There was a faint pause and then he asked, “Would you like me to come over? I can. It will take some finessing, but I can wrap up these meetings and be there within an hour or so.”
A near hysterical laugh almost escaped me. “No.” I was able not to scream it. Barely. “No, please. I’m not that bad.”
“Are you certain?”
“Yeah.” I stared out the window on the far side of the apartment. “I just need to rest. I want to sleep more than anything.”
After he’d hung up, I rested my head against the padded back of the couch and closed my eyes.
Just don’t think
, I told myself. If I didn’t think, I could hold it together.
Don’t think.
Don’t think…
That lasted maybe two minutes. Then I ended up sobbing, my face pressed to my knees.
My life was now so messed up. A few weeks ago, I’d felt like I'd been caught in a fairy tale. Maybe I still was…only now I wasn't the princess.
I was the villain, and the villain never got the happy ending. We didn't deserve it.
Chapter 5
The couch gave underneath the slight weight of Kendra’s long, leggy form, but I didn’t look up at her.
I was too busy focusing on the computer and the job search I’d been conducting in vain—and in secret—for the past few days. Guilt, among other things, weighed on my shoulders and I couldn’t seem to look anybody in the eye. I couldn’t handle talking to Edward, either.
I read and replied to his texts. I was afraid if I didn’t, he’d show up and I just wasn’t ready to face him. How
could
I?
I’d gotten drunk.
I’d kissed his brother.
And the next morning I’d woken up naked in Flynn’s penthouse.
My stomach twisted up all over again thinking about it and I clenched my jaw, clicking on another link that took me to yet another internship. I saved it to look at later. If I had to, I could do it.
The wedding was less than three months now. If Flynn kept his mouth shut. If I could bear to see Edward and not tell him. If Edward still wanted me.
My eyes started to blur.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Kendra asked softly.
“What—oh.” I feigned a nonchalant shrug. “Nothing. Well, there’s the monster-in-law-to-be. Claire hates me, Kendra. I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do job-wise. This celebrity thing won’t last forever. I’m just stressing.”
“You’re just lying.”
I whipped my head up and met her eyes. How did she…?
But she just watched me with concerned eyes.
The guilt and the misery slammed into me. They were like weights dragging me down and choking me. I thought I would go crazy from them. My mind kept pin wheeling back to dancing with Flynn and feeling so…so…
right
being in his arms to waking up in his penthouse and feeling so…
Betrayed.
I closed my hands into fists and slowly closed my laptop, because that was the truth of it. He’d said he’d behave. I’d been off my ass drunk and I’d thrown myself at him. I had been stupid and I knew that, but I’d thought I could trust him. If not for me, then for Edward.
“Are we going to talk now?” Kendra eyed me.
“No.” I faked a smile and shrugged. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
I couldn’t tell her this. I just couldn’t. Not after all the warnings she'd given me. If I'd listened to her, I wouldn't have gotten myself into this shit in the first place. Then again, she'd also warned me about Edward, so she didn't know it all.
Rising from the couch, I grabbed my bag and shoved my laptop into it, heading to the door. I didn’t quite make it before she spoke again.
“Edward called me.”
I looked back at her, terror twisting me into knots. Flynn—he’d told.
She had her head rested on her pillowed hand, her eyes resting on my face. “He’s worried. He asked if he’d done anything or said something to hurt you.” She rose and shrugged. “I told him you hadn’t mentioned anything, but it’s pretty clear you’re pushing him away. You keep it up, honey, and you’re going to lose the best thing that ever happened to you.”
***
In the concrete canyons of New York City, it was easy to forget that there was a place like Central Park. It was one of my favorite places in the city and more often than not, just spending a half an hour here could ease my mind and make almost anything look better.
So far, I’d spent more than an hour wandering around the winding paths. I’d hit the castle, gone down by the lake, visited several of the bridges and still, my mind was a mess.
I’d gone to my favorite bridge and chosen a bench, watching the happy couples and families as they walked around, easily picking out the tourists from the people who called New York home. A small child led her mother on a wild chase and ended up tripping in front of me and sending up a scream that turned my already chilled blood to ice.
Before I could rise to help her, her mother swooped down out of nowhere and scooped her up, swinging her up and kissing the child’s scraped knee. Within moments, the tears became giggles and the woman carried her away. Over her mother’s shoulder, the toddler stared at me, the gleam of unshed tears making her eyes shine.
I could remember a time when a kiss from my mother or father had made everything seem better. Easier.
That time no longer existed and I knew I couldn't go to them with this. I'd told them about the engagement, of course, and they'd been a little surprised, but supportive. They were always supportive. They'd never said a bad word about my sister, Catherine, when she'd gotten pregnant just after high school, or the fact that she was now a single mom of two boys. They hadn't complained when my oldest brother had dropped out of college to marry his high school sweetheart and work at the local steel mill. And still, I was terribly afraid if I called either of them now and told them what was wrong, they’d be disappointed.
I
was disappointed in myself.
“Is this seat taken, Cinderella?”
The sound of that voice, familiar and gentle, had me tensing up and I didn’t even breathe as Edward came around and sat down. Frozen, I stared at him. He reached up and brushed my hair back from my face, his fingers gentle, skin warm. I felt the touch to the bottom of my heart and it left an ache in my throat as I realized that, for all I knew, Flynn had done the very same thing.
“Are you alright?” Edward asked softly.
“I…” A tight fist grabbed me by the throat and slammed me down. Clearing my throat, I managed a weak smile. “I’m fine. I just…” I managed to shrug. “I’m stressing. Over the wedding. Money. Kendra. I had the thing with your mom and a planner she hired. I’d had somebody else in mind and she went and hired somebody else. Everything’s moving so fast and anytime I try to make plans or offer an idea…” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I’m just tired.”
He caught my hand and lifted it to his lips. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.” He sighed and let go of my hand, curling his arm around my shoulders and drawing me closer to him. “My mother...well, she clearly has her mind set on a certain idea and she’s not used to not getting her way. But I’ll talk to her. Would you rather have this other wedding planner?”
Yes
. But I shrugged. I needed to choose my battles. Estelle seemed to understand that I should have
some
say in my wedding. I could accept that if it kept Claire relatively happy. “I can handle the wedding planner. It’s just…I had colors in mind and your mother keeps trying to overthrow them. Stupid things.”
“It’s not stupid.” He kissed my temple. “I’ll talk to my mother.”
That just made me feel worse, because none of my current misery had to do with his mother and he was going to bat for me anyway.
“I don’t want to rush you into this,” he said, as if he could still sense some sort of reluctance. “I want you, for the rest of my life, but I want you to be certain.”
He tugged me into the warm, hard curve of his body and I went gladly, resting my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heart and slowly relaxing as the scent of him permeated my body. His heartbeat was a warm, steady thrumming in my ear and I could feel his breath stirring my hair.
I squeezed him and closed my eyes, coaxing myself into relaxing into his embrace.
I could do that, sit here, relax, be with him. Trust him.
Trust
. I could trust Edward.
I could trust him, and I loved him.
This is what love is
, I told myself.
This is
all
that love is.
And I knew it. Love was patient and it waited and it didn’t do things to hurt. Edward would never intentionally hurt me. He wanted to care for me, protect me.
As a pair of roller skaters zoomed by, we followed their progress and then watched as a group of bikers followed. It was mundane and perfect. A completely normal thing that couples did. He kissed the top of my head and I looked up at him, wanting more. He smiled as he bent his head to give me a sweet, lingering kiss.
This was happiness.
I wasn’t going to risk it.
Chapter 6
The staggering beauty of Edward’s mansion opened up in front of me as Edward came around the corner of the long curving drive. I’d been surprised when he’d led me to the car and Paul hadn’t been waiting, but he’d told me he’d wanted time alone with me.
We’d sat on that bench in Central Park in comfortable silence for nearly thirty minutes before he had asked me if I wanted to come back to his place with him. There had been a near tangible heat in his voice as he’d asked the question.
Needing the peace of his presence as much as I'd wanted to avoid Kendra, I’d said yes.
But now I was having reservations. The closer we had gotten to his place, the more tense that quiet between us had become and I’d fought the urge to squirm. Normally, squirming around Edward signified a twitching sort of arousal, but not this time.
This wasn’t what I could call an uncomfortable kind of tension, but it was a familiar one. He kept sending me a sidelong look from the corner of his eye and I recognize those looks.
I knew what he wanted. Part of me wanted to give it to him, but another part of me felt that it would be wrong. I was lying to him. Hiding something very important from him.
Torn and conflicted, I focused on the house while questions twisted through me.
Do I tell him?
That part of me that had always tried to do the right thing was thinking that I should, but the rest of me protested.
I’ll lose him.
I was terrified of losing him. And how
could
I tell him? What was I supposed to say? Tell him that I’d lied? It was a lie of omission, but still, a lie. Edward had asked me what I'd been doing and even though I'd known he'd assumed I'd been out with Cody, I hadn't corrected him. I'd had a sinking sensation in my belly that he wouldn't have liked knowing that I was hanging out with Flynn. And that had led to the worst decision of my life.
He'd never forgive me, and he'd never forgive Flynn. I wouldn't just lose Edward, but I'd ruin his relationship with his brother. I'd destroy the family.
My hands were slick with sweat and my heart raced. None of it had to do with arousal, though. It was all centered on fear and nerves.
In a matter of minutes, we were inside the house and something told me we were completely alone.
“Where is everybody?” I asked as I started down the hall.
His hands stopped me by grabbing my hips. “I sent out a text after I helped you into the car.” He brushed a kiss across my cheek, fingers tightening. “I gave everybody the rest of the day off. I wanted to be alone with you.”
The sweetness of the gesture made the ache in my chest grow.
He slid his hands up to cup my breast through my dress. The man knew my body and he knew it well. Bringing a response from me was child’s play and within moments, my skin was heated and I had one arm curled up and back around his neck as I arched my spine, leaning into his touch. I didn't care that we were still standing in the hallway. I needed him to touch me.
Yet there was a part of my brain that just couldn't click on. It was a bizarre sensation, part of me right
there, ready and willing, truly aching for him, but another part stood aside, not involved in anything that was happening. It was like that part of me wasn’t even involved in the scene. The pleasure that other Gabriella felt didn’t belong to me. It couldn’t.