Purity (69 page)

I'd never spoken so violently to her. We'd reached the end of the road of our feminist marriage. “You wrecked the condoms,” I said. “What am I supposed to do?”

“Give me a baby. Leave me with something.”

“No way.”

“I think it could happen tonight. I have a sense about these things.”

“I think I'd sooner kill myself than sign on for that.”

“You hate me.”

“I hate you.”

She was still in love with me. I could see it in her eyes, the love and the pure inconsolable disappointment of a child. I had all the power, and so she did the only thing still available to her to stab me in the heart, which was to roll over submissively and raise the skirt of her robe and say, “All right, then. Do it.”

I did it, and not once but three times before I escaped from the house the next morning. After each assault, she went straight to the bathroom. My state of mind was that of the crack addict crawling on the floor, looking for crumbs. I wasn't raping Anabel, but I might as well have been. Pleasure was low on the list of what either of us was after. I was after what she'd been after with her film, a final and complete exhaustion of the subject of the body. What she was after, it seemed to me, was the sealing of her moral victimhood.

At dawn, to a chorus of birds, I got up and dressed without washing. Anabel was facedown on the sweaty bed, corpse-still, but I knew she wasn't sleeping. I loved her terribly, loved her all the more for what I'd done to her. My love was like the engine of a hundred-dollar car that had no business starting up and yet kept starting up. The murder and suicide I imagined weren't figurative. I would keep going back, and it would be worse each time, until finally we were driven to the violence that released our love to the eternity it belonged to. Standing by the bed, looking down at my ex-wife's body, I thought it might happen as soon as the next time I saw her. I thought it might even happen now if I said anything to her. So I picked up my knapsack and left the house.

The full moon was setting in the west, a mere white disk, its light-casting power defeated by the morning. Halfway down the driveway, I entered golden sunlight and saw a bright red bird mating with a yellow female on a dead tree branch. The birds were too busy to mind my approach. The head feathers of the male, sticking straight out, a scarlet Mohawk, seemed to be sweating pure testosterone. Finished with the female, he flew straight at me, kamikaze style, barely missing my head. He landed on a different branch and glared in a blaze of aggression.

The day was even hotter than the day before, and the air-conditioning on the bus was broken. When I finally got back to 125th Street, the sidewalk was crowded with sweat-gleaming women and children emerging from storefront churches. A stench of rotten cantaloupe was in the air, gastric and cloying, cut with exhaust from a Kennedy Fried Chicken. The pavement was shiny with a blackish vulcanized glaze of chicken grease, sputum, spilled Coke, and trashbag leakage.

“My man Lucky,” Ruben said to me in my building's lobby, which was littered with Sunday-morning betting slips. “You look like shit warmed over.”

My answering machine was showing one new message. I was afraid it was from Anabel, but it was from a woman who sounded Jamaican, asking me to tell Anthony that her husband had died last night and that the funeral would be on Tuesday afternoon at such-and-such church in West Harlem. She repeated that I should tell Anthony that her husband had died. This was it, the only message, a Jamaican woman informing me, in a calm and very tired voice, that her spouse had died.

I turned on the AC and left a message at the Carlyle for David Laird. Then I fell asleep and dreamed that I was in a many-roomed house where a party was happening. I'd fallen into a deep flirtatious conversation with a young dark-haired woman who seemed to like me, seemed ready to leave the party with me. The only impediment to effortless happiness with her was something I may or may not have said, something that made her think I might be a
jerk
. To my joy, I was able to tell her that a different man had said it. Andreas Wolf had said it. I knew this for a fact, and she believed me. She was falling in love with me. And just as I was beginning to understand that she must be Annagret, Andreas's young girl, I realized instead that she was Anabel—a younger, softer Anabel, at once pliant and sportive, instilled with the best kind of knowledge about me, knowledge that felt loving and forgiving—except that she couldn't possibly be Anabel, because the real Anabel was standing in a doorway, witnessing my flirtation. The dread I felt of her judgment, and of the punishment of interacting with her nuttiness, came directly from life. She looked stricken with betrayal and hurt. Worse yet, the girl had seen her and vanished.

David returned my call late in the afternoon.

“I can't do it,” I said.

“An eight o'clock table at Gotham? Are you kidding me? Of course you can do it.”

“I can't take the money.”

“What? That is beyond ridiculous. It's criminally foolish. You can dedicate every one of your issues to sullying the good name of McCaskill, I still want you to have the money. If you're worried about Anabel, just don't tell her.”

“I already told her.”

“Tom, Tom. You can't listen to what she says.”

“I'm not. She's going to think I took the money, and I'm OK with that. I just don't want to take it.”

“Stupidest thing I ever heard. You need to come to the Gotham and be plied with martinis. The check's burning a hole in my briefcase.”

“Not gonna do it.”

“And this change of heart?”

“I can't have anything to do with her,” I said. “I appreciate how good you've been to—”

“I'll be frank with you,” David said. “I'm more than a little disappointed in you. I thought you'd finally quit trying to out-Anabel Anabel, now that you're divorced. But everything you're saying to me is bullshit.”

“Look, I—”

“Bullshit,” he repeated, and hung up on me.

The next time I heard from David, four months later, it was through an intermediary, a retired New York City cop who worked as a private detective. His name was DeMars and he showed up at my door one afternoon without warning, having bullied his way past Ruben. He was walrus-mustached and intimidating. He said the simplest thing would be for me to show him my datebook and receipts for the previous four months. “It's entirely routine,” he said.

“I don't see anything routine about it,” I said.

“You been in Texas recently?”

“I'm sorry—who are you?”

“I work for David Laird. I'm especially interested in the last two weeks of August. Best thing for you is if you can show me you weren't in Texas at any point then.”

“I'm going to call David right now, if you don't mind.”

“Your ex disappeared,” DeMars said. “She sent her dad a letter that appears to be authentic. But we don't know the circumstances of the letter, and, nothing personal, but you're the ex. You're the man we go to.”

“I haven't seen her since the end of May.”

“Easiest for both of us if you can document that.”

“It's hard to prove a negative.”

“Do your best.”

Having nothing to hide, I handed over my receipts and credit-card statements. When DeMars saw that my August was richly documented—I'd been in Milwaukee with half the journalists in America, reporting on Jeffrey Dahmer for
Esquire
—he became less obnoxious and showed me copies of a postmarked envelope and the handwritten note it contained.

To David Laird: I'm not your daughter. You won't hear from me again. I'm dead to you. Don't look for me. I won't be found. Anabel.

“Postmark is Houston,” DeMars said. “I need you to tell me who she knows in Houston.”

“No one.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yes.”

“Well, see, here's why I'm involved. David says he hasn't seen her in more than a decade. He's dead to her anyway, so why the letter? Why now? And why is she in Houston? I thought maybe you could shed some light.”

“We just went through a bad divorce.”

“Violent bad? Restraining-order bad?”

“No, no. Just emotionally painful.”

DeMars nodded. “OK, so an ordinary divorce. She wants to make a clean break, start a new life, and so on. But the way I read this letter is she's afraid people are gonna think that someone did away with her. That's the only reason to write it: ‘Don't worry, I'm not actually dead.' But why would anyone think that in the first place? You see what I mean?”

Anabel was so impractical and such a recluse that it was hard to imagine her in Houston. But something had clearly changed in her, because she hadn't called me in four months.

“We have her in New York on July 22,” DeMars continued, “taking five thousand in cash out of her bank. Same day, she leaves keys, no note, just the keys, at the building of her friend Suzanne. You didn't see her in New York that day, did you?”

“We've had no contact of any kind since May.”

“But, see, if she doesn't send that letter, nobody looks for her. My impression is she's not exactly Miss Congeniality. It could have been years before anybody noticed she was missing.”

“At the risk of sounding self-important, I think she wrote the letter as a message to me.”

“How's that work? Why not just write
you
a letter? Did she write you a letter?”

“No. She's trying to prove that she's capable of not having any contact with me.”

“Kind of an extreme way of going about that.”

“Well, she's extreme. It's also possible she was trying to protect me, in case someone like you came looking for her.”

“Bingo.” DeMars snapped his fingers. “I was hoping you'd be the one to say that. Because that's my problem with the letter. Painful divorce, irreconcilable differences, and yet here she is, going out of her way to protect you? I don't see it. Your typical angry ex, she'd like nothing better than to have people wondering if you'd offed her.”

“That's not Anabel. Her whole thing is being morally irreproachable.”

“What about you? Any friends in Texas?”

“Not to speak of.”

“You'll show me your address book and phone bills.”

“I will. But you'd do her a kindness if you stopped looking for her.”

“She's not the person paying me.”

DeMars wanted more from me—wanted contact information for every person Anabel had ever known—and I worried that I made myself suspicious by refusing to provide it. But there was an air of due diligence, of nose-holding, in his questioning of me. He seemed already to have concluded that Anabel was nutty and a pain in the ass, and that the entire case was nothing more than family nonsense. He called me a couple of times to follow up, and then I never heard from him again; never learned if he'd succeeded in locating her. I hoped for her sake that he hadn't, because I really did think that her letter to David was a message to me. I may have left the marriage before she did, but she was determined to one-up me and be the really radical leaver. I hated her for the hatred implicit in this, but I still felt guilty about leaving her, and it eased my guilt, a tiny bit, to imagine her succeeding in something, if only in disappearing. I'd escaped the marriage but the moral victory was hers.

I didn't hear from David again until 2002, a year before he died. This time the intermediary was a lawyer, writing to inform me that I'd been named the sole trustee of an inter vivos trust that David had created in Anabel's name. I dialed the number on the letter and learned that she was still missing, eleven years after her disappearance, and that David intended her to have one-quarter of his estate anyway, in the hope that she'd eventually show up and claim it.

“I don't want to be the trustee,” I said.

“Well, now,” the lawyer said with a lovely Kansan twang. “You might want to hear the terms first.”

“Nope.”

“You're gonna make my life harder if you don't, so please just hear me out. The trust consists entirely of McCaskill stock. Seventy percent of that is illiquid, the other thirty percent can be offered by way of the company's ESOP program but doesn't have to be. Just going by book value, you're looking at nearly a billion dollars. Five-year average dividend comes in at four point two percent, which the company is nominally committed to increasing. Based on that simple average alone, you've got about forty-two million annually in cash dividends. Trustee's fee shall be one point five percent of that. So we're talking, what, three-quarters of a million a year for the trustee, probably a million soon enough. Since the stock either can't be sold or doesn't have to be, the trustee's responsibilities are nugatory. Nothing more than ordinary shareholder responsibilities. To put it plainly, Mr. Aberant, you get a million a year for doing nothing.”

My salary then, as the managing editor at
Newsday
, was less than a quarter of that. I was still making mortgage payments on the Gramercy Park one-bedroom that I'd bought after landing my first editing job at
Esquire
and had held on to through my years at the
Times
magazine and at the
Times
. If I'd still believed that a journal of opinion called
The Complicater
could change the world—if I hadn't instead come to feel that covering daily news responsibly was a worthier and more embattled cause—I could have funded a fine quarterly with a million a year. But David had been right: I was trying to out-Anabel Anabel. Trying to stay clean in case she ever happened to find out what I'd been doing since I left her. Trying to prove her wrong about me. I repeated to the lawyer in Wichita that I wanted nothing to do with the trust.