Pyg (18 page)

There was a stunned Silence among all present; then a murmur of puzzlement swept through Jury and Spectators alike. Mr
Lingham
, taking his role as Judge to heart, pounded with his Gavel
upon the railing, calling for ‘order in the court’, but the sight was so unintentionally Comic, that it only Added to the chaos. At last Dr Cullen, who had earlier been elected Foreman
by his fellow
Jurors
, stood and called for silence.

‘Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! I ask you to recall the Dignity of this occasion; we are here to exercise our Rational faculties, not our Passions!’

This was followed by general grunts of agreement, and expectant silence.

‘I would call your attention to the following points: one, that for more than an hour, we have given our two subjects every kind of Test that their abilities—or so we
supposed—permitted, and Both have acquitted themselves without Error. Two, that there are two Measures of good Learning—the fair Reply, and the intelligent Question, and that the Latter
is by far the greater. Three, that
Toby
here, who is by all accounts at least the Elder of our contestants, finding himself in a state of Exasperation, has shown himself capable of this
second and more Profound evidence of Understanding. For anything that can be done by Rules, whether it is telling the Time or declining Nouns, can be learnt by
Rote
, but the spontaneous
generation of Discourse, though it follows these, cannot be
made
by them; it is, as the poet Dante once remarked, written deep within the spirit and is there formed
sine omnia
regula
—without any rules.’

Here he cleared his throat, and I thought I saw him suppress a little smile.

‘We of the Jury have accordingly discussed this matter among ourselves, and it is our unanimous View that
Toby
—that is, he of long association with Mr Silas Bisset and Mr
Samuel Nicholson—has earned the
Laurels
in this affair. This court is now concluded, and young Toby’s question has its answer.’

And there was great rejoicing. I was congratulated by all present, and showered with encomiums too numerous and generous to mention without embarrassment. Yet at that same
moment, watching my late Opponent and his man picking up their scattered cards, I felt a terrible sense of Shame, not simply for what I had done, but for ever having Agreed to such a humiliating
contest. For not the first time, I reflected that it was quite as Degrading to be poked and prodded by the scrutinising fingers of Science as to be gawped at and jeered by the most unwashed of the
human
Masses
. I wished for nothing more than to share these sentiments with my counterpart, but I could see already in his eyes the twin flickers of fear that revealed at once to me the
Brutality
of his Master. I endeavoured to Intervene, but before I could attract the attention of any of my Friends, both Pig and Man had disappeared through the same concealed door through
which they had entered. I resolved, come what may, that I would find some means of liberating my darker cousin from his unjustified Confinement.

It was to Miss Seward I turned in this resolve, and although I had to wait until the furore died down, she proved very Receptive to my plea. We had, by that time, retired to Mr Sheldon’s
rooms, where the members of the party of the ‘victorious Pig’ were saluting each other with glasses of Tokay. I declined to join in the revelry—I have never in my life imbibed any
spirituous liquors, having throughout my career had far too many occasions to witness the behaviour of Humans once in their grasp—but never the less was very much relieved that at last these
Proceedings were over. A few of the members of the Jury joined us, although to my regret Dr Cullen had to depart early, as he was very anxious to return to the company of his students at Edinburgh.
Mr Aiton proved to be the liveliest of the group, proposing all manner of Toasts, and offering it as his opinion that I was the most remarkable
Oddity
of Nature ever known. I took some
umbrage at this term, which Sam and Mr Sheldon instantly perceived, and the latter offered in rejoinder that the practice of Language was as Odd in one being as another, since no creature was to
its usage born, and human children themselves had to Acquire it by practice.

He recalled an experiment variously attributed to Frederick II or Constantine the Great, in which the learned monarch wished to determine which Language was most original to man. To satisfy his
curiosity in this matter, a small boy of scarcely three months age was confined within a chamber deep within the Palace, and provided with a deaf-mute as a wet nurse. The absolute Rule was that no
one should speak a word of any language within hearing of the poor lad, although he was fed and cared for decently enough; once he had reached the age of twelve years, he was brought before the
King, and made to understand by signs that he should speak. The unfortunate youth then showered the present company with horrid speech, all of a guttural and noisome quality, out of which the wise
men present could make out only ‘El el el el el’—on the basis of which they declared that the word was in fact ‘El’—that is
, which signifies ‘God’—and that thus Hebrew was the original language of humankind. All present laughed at the absurdity of such a procedure, save
myself: I thought only of the child’s long years of confinement, and the unlikelihood of his discovering any happiness in life, having been so long deprived.

It was after the recounting of this Anecdote, and once the conversation had returned to a more uniform Buzz, that I took Sam aside with me and approached Miss Seward. I explained, as briefly and
forcefully as I could, how convinced I was that my late opponent was under the Thumb of a Brute, and must now be in fear for his
Life
, for having lost the contest in which we had been so
publicly Engaged. She at once perceived the gravity of the situation, and summoned Mr Lindsey to our colloquy. That reverend gentleman at once suggested we send for a young acquaintance of his, a
Mr Wilberforce, who was already at the age of twenty-five a Member of Parliament, and who had begun to take the strongest interest in the Anti-Slavery cause. Surely such a man would recognise as
readily the inhumanity of man to Animal evident in my unhappy Comrade’s situation, and surely a man of his energy and convictions would take action to see him
Freed
.

Mr Lindsey made the arrangements, and that very evening we called upon Mr Wilberforce in his chambers. I was, perhaps, even more anxious at this moment than when I had first trod upon the greens
at Oxford, for if the lawns of learning were unaccustomed to porcine prints, the steps of Parliament seemed even
more
so. I recalled with bitterness having been turned away at the British
Museum
, and called a ‘specimen’—what would be the result here at the hands of these bewigged and booted guards? Happily, Mr Wilberforce spared me any embarrassment by
coming down himself, and welcoming us within, in such a graceful and natural manner that the guards simply remained at attention—for if a Member wished to welcome a Pig, who were they to
question him? His easy manner and warmth of speech made one instantly at ease, and more than any Human I have ever encountered, Mr Wilberforce treated me just as he would any of his two-legged
constituents, without the slightest hint of condescension.

Once we had been seated, he enquired of me at once about the nature of our visit, and watched attentively as I spelt out my concerns. I had been witness, I declared, to far more than my measure
of cruelty, both of human to
Human
, and human to
Animal
. Indeed, it was my sorrow to observe that Homo ‘Sapiens’ was by far the cruellest of all creatures, for no other
Animal I had ever known took such pleasure in the wanton injury of another. Wolves devoured their prey, and cats pounced upon mice, with infinitely more mercy than malicious Man, whose crime was
made worse by the endless
Justifications
of his Brutality with which he cloaked his conscience. Mr Wilberforce was so taken by my account that, or so it seemed to me, he was almost moved to
tears, and several times grew flushed in the face. Last of all, I recounted my contest with the Pig I admitted I had once demeaned as a mere
Pretender
, and explained how, by long experience
of seeing the same, I could read the flicker of fear in his eyes as readily as any Bill of Indictment: here was a victim of cruelty, cruelty inflicted for the purpose of another’s Profit.

As soon as I had finished, Mr Wilberforce took up his hat and coat, and summoned a carriage. We had earlier obtained from Mr Lingham the address at which my rival and his keeper were supposed to
have lodged, and we at once sped thither, regardless of the weather, which had grown cold and blustery as the day went on, and was now breaking into storm. A few moments brought us to the place, a
grimy Inn in the vicinity of Limehouse
Hole
. A few drunken barge-men lay senseless in the street outside, and there was a general sound of clamour within, but as we had brought with us two
of the Yeomen of Westminster, we hesitated not at all to step inside. The owner of the Inn, though at first a bull of Bluster, was reduced to a quavering heap of
jelly
as soon as our guards
confronted him with their Pikestaffs, and we mounted the stairs without opposition. We came soon to the room in which dwelt the Man whose cruelty I already knew without seeing—
and woe is
me, to see what I have seen!

The room was strewn with filthy straw; its sole features were a rough-hewn table, at which our Man was seated, bibbed and squatting before a greasy trencher, and a rusty Cage, within which my
fellow creature was confined, with scarce an inch in any direction where he could move his Limbs. That this cage had never been Cleaned was attested at once by the evidence of our
Nostrils
;
the horrid admixture of man’s food and animal feculence would have brought a lesser soul to his knees. Mr Wilberforce, however, was sustained by the fierce air of his indignation, and at once
ordered his officers to take the Man into their custody. This act was not taken kindly.

‘I say! Sir! What are you doing? Here I am, a poor man about to take his meal, and you accost me by force? What do you mean by this?’

‘I say to you, Sir, what are
you
doing? Dare you to take your repast, while this poor Creature lies confined within a space in which he is scarce able to Breathe? I am tempted to
say, Sir, that it is you who are the Pig in this room—but I refrain from doing so, for such would be an Insult to a Species which, in fact, is far more
Human
than you!’

‘What right have you to seize me thus? What have these palace Guards to do with a place like this? On whose authority am I grappled?’

‘Whose authority? You may take your choice, sir: on the authority of
God
upon whose Commandments you have trampled; on the authority of this Nation, whose character you have
stained; or on my personal authority as a sworn member of this present Parliament of Great Britain and Ireland. I arrest you in all their names, and you may lodge your Appeal with whomever you
please!’