Read The Pursuit of Other Interests: A Novel Online
Authors: Jim Kokoris
Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Genre Fiction, #Family Life, #Humor & Satire, #Humorous, #Literary, #United States, #Humor, #Contemporary Fiction, #American, #General Humor, #Literary Fiction
The Pursuit of Other Interests: A Novel
To Pat and George, without your
help this book wouldn’t
have been possible.
He was doing his breathing techniques when his heart stopped again. The purpose of the exercises was to lower his heart rate, but apparently he had mastered the technique so well, he was almost killing himself. Lying on his back in his bed, nothing beating inside of him, he waited for darkness and then the revealing white light. Instead he felt something kick in, felt life rush through him, an electric, hot current. He sat up gasping for air, his hands at his throat.
“Charlie?” Donna asked. Her eyes were closed and she seemed half asleep.
He coughed a little, and sucked in another deep breath. “I’m fine,” he managed to whisper, although she hadn’t asked how he was doing.
He had started the breathing exercises after returning from the agency’s annual executive retreat for emerging thought-leaders held in a resort town in the Black Forest whose name he could never pronounce. The year before, the agency had been purchased by a German media conglomerate that firmly believed in training and career development for its key people. One of the seminars was on “thought cleansing,” and it was taught by a former monk who had written a book,
The Corporate Buddha.
The breathing exercises were a form of meditation and should ideally be performed while hooked up to an oxygen tank. Unfortunately, Donna wouldn’t let him have an oxygen tank in bed, so he limited his routine to taking very deep breaths until he almost died.
He sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes and waited for his heartbeat to return to what he felt was a normal pace, then went downstairs to the basement to do forty-five minutes on the treadmill. He ran ten-minute miles, an easier pace than usual. He was breaking in new orthotics for his feet and wanted to take it a bit slower. He also wanted to check his voice mail, which he couldn’t do if he was running like a maniac.
While running, he reached for his headset, and carefully dialed his cell to check for messages. Surprisingly, there were only four. Three were inconsequential, but the last one was from Ursula in Berlin saying Helmut was coming to Chicago and wanted some time with him. Helmut was the chairman and founder of the media conglomerate, a complex man, both charming and abrupt, who did not suffer fools well.
Charlie considered calling her back, but decided to run another mile. He preferred to be at his desk with all his weapons handy when dealing with Berlin, not half naked on a treadmill. Besides, he had slept well, a rare occurrence, and wanted to keep going.
During his cool-down walk, he left several messages for his direct reports, reviewing the agenda for that day’s staff huddle, prioritizing action items, and making recommendations for where to order in for lunch. He preferred the more human touch of voice mails over e-mails when communicating to his team. Besides, he couldn’t use his BlackBerry while running on the treadmill. He had tried once and nearly fallen off.
After his run, he did some stomach crunches, then headed for the kitchen and breakfast: Cheerios with skim milk, topped with raisins, blueberries, flaxseed. Ten minutes later, he was upstairs in his home office checking e-mail. Not counting spam, he had only seventeen new messages, an unusually light number. He sent short responses, including one to Ursula about his schedule, then jumped into the shower, running the water as hot as possible.
Afterward, he stood dripping wet in front of the mirror, steam rising behind him, and took stock. Years ago, Charlie had the depressing revelation that it was impossible to look good naked after forty. Despite his best efforts, his body reinforced this conclusion. Though he was relieved to still have most of it, his once-black hair was more than a little sprinkled with salt. He also possessed a slight paunch, sagging shoulders, and only a hint of biceps. He comforted himself with the fact that he still looked fine with clothes on and, at fifty years old, he made a point of wearing as many clothes as possible.
While toweling off, he performed his morning mole check. He had detected a potential problem on his left shoulder (two weeks before he was pretty sure it was on his right shoulder) and had been carefully monitoring it. It was still in the pre-mole state, just a faint shadow, but he knew it was there and it worried him. Recently, a man in the creative department at the agency had been diagnosed with skin cancer on his foot and was forced to have a toe amputated. The specter of an amputation haunted Charlie, so he kept a close eye on this migrating mole. As soon as he felt the shadow was officially transitioning into something substantive, he would not hesitate; he would see a specialist.
When he finished in the bathroom, he walked over to his new humidifier and lowered his face into the rising jet of steam. The wet, moist air felt good and he took several deep, head-clearing breaths. While he had often slept with a humidifier on, he had recently become addicted to a new deluxe model, the Rain Forest Deuce, which offered twice the humidity. After only a few days, it seemed to be making a difference with his chronically aching sinuses, clearing out his cavities and generally making breathing easier. He deeply inhaled one last time, made a mental note to buy a smaller unit for business travel, then returned to the bathroom to dry his now-damp face.
When he reentered the room, he was startled to see Donna sitting up in bed, her arms folded in front of her, her eyes slightly open. Charlie could tell by the tilt of her head and the way she was breathing that she was still asleep. Throughout their marriage, she had been a turbulent sleeper. When they were younger, she frequently walked in her sleep. Once she had reached the alley behind the garage, and another time, wearing lingerie he had bought her, a neighbor’s porch. Fortunately, her nocturnal activity had decreased over the years and was now limited to her sitting up in bed, or occasionally strolling about the room.
“Donna,” he said soothingly, “go back to sleep.” Sometimes this worked, sometimes it didn’t.
This time it did. She gently lowered herself back down and onto her pillow.
He moved to the bed and looked down at his wife of thirty years. She was still pretty in a simple, natural way that other women probably envied, and that he probably took for granted. As he watched her sleep, her face calm, her eyes closed, he felt a sense of loss, and a sad shadow crept over him. He stood there and tried to make sense of it, but the feeling faded.
He pulled the sheet up and over her shoulder, then dressed quietly and went downstairs. As he waited for Angelo, his driver, he gazed out the window. The block was dark and quiet and still and he let the solitude wash over and hold him. He had been on the swim team in high school, a diver, and he likened this moment to standing on the board, arms at his side, while everything below him waited. He stood there wrapped in the stillness, until he heard Angelo pull up, the headlights of the town car straining against the dark. Then he picked up his briefcase and glanced down at his watch. For once, Angelo was right on time. It was four
A.M.
Charlie worked in advertising. It was what he had done for twenty-eight years. In his younger days he was in love with his chosen profession, thinking it inspiring, relevant, and even important. It was not a job, he thought, so much as it was a calling. It demanded his best efforts and he was happy to oblige. He came up on the creative side and spent long hours writing copy and later developing campaigns for mufflers, cookies, bagels, and cars. His work won awards, garnered praise, and for a long time that was enough.
While Charlie’s love affair with advertising had cooled over the years—the hours, the client demands, and the competitiveness take a toll—he persevered, dutifully making his way up the ladder. Promotions came slowly, then quickly, and on the eve of his forty-ninth birthday Charlie found himself running one of the largest ad agencies in Chicago, an achievement that, at the time, he thought completed him.
His sense of satisfaction was tempered by the stress of the job. Heading up any large agency was a serious affair and the stakes were high; a loss of a key account could result in the loss of dozens of jobs, including his own. For the most part, however, Charlie felt he was up to the task, although there were moments he had his doubts.
After Angelo dropped him off, he took the elevator to the fortieth floor and allowed himself a brief stroll. It had been exactly one year since his promotion and he was feeling reflective. Despite mounting pressures, and the fact that business wasn’t good and the economy was terrible, overall he thought he still enjoyed what he did. He certainly was a slave for the trappings of his job—the corner office with panoramic views of Lake Michigan, the overseas travel, the car service, the health club membership, and, of course, the pay. In particular, Charlie liked the agency’s office: the sterile but elegant reception area with the marble floor and spiral staircase that led up to the creative department and down to accounting. He liked the artwork, German contemporary, with rivers and lakes and pastures, muted browns and greens, that lined the walls. And he liked the sense of order and purpose created by the row of cubicles that ran the length of the halls, the lunch area with the Ping-Pong table, the jukebox, the cappuccino bar, the Elvis Presley and James Dean wax figures, and the Idea Room, with its vaulted windows and solid oak circular table that he had personally selected.
Charlie particularly liked the way the office looked in the morning with the faint rays of orange light appearing over Lake Michigan, first a hint, then a burst, everything kissed in warmth and hopeful brightness. A new day dawning. A new day at work.
He had been recruited to the agency four years earlier and then been promoted to executive vice president, general manager, after Bob O’Malley left. Actually, Bob O’Malley died, leaving the company with dwindling revenues, poor morale—and Charlie temporarily in charge. (He was named interim general manager the day of O’Malley’s funeral.) After what Charlie thought was a protracted five-month search, Helmut officially gave him the top job in a two-sentence e-mail:
We are removing interim from your title. Congratulations.
He printed the e-mail out and had it framed, even though he was disappointed that Helmet hadn’t included an exclamation point after the word congratulations. He would have added the exclamation point. The occasion warranted one.
After he completed his lap around the floor, Charlie entered his own office, and took in the parquet floor, the Persian rug, the matching leather club chairs, the six-foot-tall gumball machine, and finally the framed portrait of Abraham Lincoln. He idolized Lincoln, drew strength from him. They both had had difficult if not impossible tasks: Lincoln’s, to save the Union; Charlie, the Odor Eaters account.
He nodded once deferentially at the picture, and once again regretted his inability to finish one of the many Lincoln biographies he had bought. (Charlie had a short attention span and seldom, if ever, finished a book.) Then he slowly made his way to his desk and sat down. He had no desire to deal with Project Phoenix Rising…his plan for reorganizing the agency. He had been working halfheartedly on it for weeks, and dreaded what it involved. He was going to have to make some drastic changes, including realigning departments and cutting staff. Even though he knew these steps were necessary if the agency had any hope of returning to profitability, Charlie had been dragging his feet on finishing, much less implementing, the plan. He had no stomach for layoffs.
Before he plunged into Project Phoenix Rising, he decided to take another quick look at his now-infamous “fat” memo. Over the past year, Charlie had become increasingly concerned with the weight of his staff. He felt the agency employed a high number of obese or borderline obese people. During the last month, on two separate occasions, staffers had shattered chairs in client meetings, falling like loads of bricks onto the floor, scattering papers and files. In addition, a senior vice president who headed the largest account had taken to flying first-class (big seats) whenever she traveled because of her enormous size…a cost the firm had to absorb. In part, Charlie blamed their key clients—a fast-food fried chicken company, an international baker, and a cheese manufacturer, all of whom provided free samples or coupons to the agency on a regular basis. He primarily blamed O’Malley, though, who had made a point of hiring people as fat as, or fatter than, himself at every opportunity.
The “fat” memo (actually it was called Project Shape Up), which he had distributed more than two weeks prior, conveyed his growing concern over everyone’s growing size. Among other things, it encouraged a collective effort to slim down through a series of 5K fun-runs, low-carb lunches, and nutritional seminars in which Charlie was not only willing to participate, but also to organize and underwrite. He knew he was dealing with a sensitive issue, but he also believed that the agency’s fatness was hurting productivity and contributing to rising health insurance costs. Besides, he was sick of sitting in meetings where three out of four people were breathing heavily out of their mouths.
The memo had been poorly received by the staff. Julie, from human resources, reported that Aiesha, Margie, and Patty—longtime administrative assistants (and the fattest of the fat)—were considering legal action, claiming discrimination and harassment. Most everyone was insulted, even the skinny ones, by what they felt was the condescending nature of the memo. Julie thought Charlie should write a retraction and host a fried chicken lunch to make amends. Charlie refused to do either.
In the end, he chose to ignore the backlash but dropped the initiative. He would have to pick his battles. He would eventually get back to it, and hopefully address the issue more effectively before one of the floors collapsed.
He read the “fat” memo one last time, thinking it had been straightforward and, with the exception of one sentence, which was intended as a joke (
Elevator rides are getting downright dangerous!
), tactfully written. He then called up the Project Phoenix Rising document, looked it over, clicked it off, and called up the Summer Outing file.
The agency had been internally debating where to have their annual summer outing. The locations for the past outings had included a baseball park and an upscale horse racetrack. The summer before the agency had hosted a picnic in a North Shore botanical garden and had invited families. This year—his first as head of the company—he was eager to make his mark and wanted to host the event at a local zoo. He thought this was an inspired, fun, and economical choice. Unfortunately, his decision was met with indifference, if not outright resistance, from the Summer Outing Committee, a group of aging, disgruntled administrative assistants who were lobbying for an elaborate dinner at an upscale restaurant with presumably steel-reinforced chairs. The ensuing stalemate had resulted in the passing of summer without an outing.
Since he had promised everyone the best summer outing in the history of the agency, he knew he had to take action. Consequently, he drafted a no-nonsense memo to the committee demanding that a date and a zoo (Chicago had two) be selected by the end of the week.
Charlie carefully read over the draft, fiddling with it here and there, adding lines about the agency’s unique culture and the role the summer outing played in fostering it, before clicking back to the Project Phoenix Rising file. After staring at it helplessly, and feeling very much like a turtle on its back, legs hopelessly waving, he opened his Charlie’s Book Club file.
A few months earlier, in an effort to improve morale, Charlie had started an agency book club. He thought this would be a unique way to bring all the departments together and build needed camaraderie. His first book,
The Corporate Buddha
, had been the wrong choice. No one read it and no one showed up for the discussion. For reasons he no longer remembered, he let Andre, their moronic associate creative director, pick the second book—
Rock You!
—which Charlie never got around to reading. It was about the life of a female rock band groupie. (Charlie learned, during the book club meeting, that if you took out all the sex scenes, nothing was left but punctuation.) Virtually the entire agency read this book, and was disgusted and outraged. The book discussion turned into a near riot and ended with Aiesha, Margie, and Patty walking out after threatening sexual harassment and legal action.
Charlie had decided to once again choose a book and, after starting with a list of thirty, had narrowed his choices down to either
Beloved,
by Toni Morrison, which had been an Oprah’s Book Club selection, or
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,
which he thought an equally safe bet.
He was leaning toward Huck Finn, so he spent a half hour researching the book online, even taking a brief virtual tour of the Mississippi River. He then decided to table his final choice until the next day. He didn’t want to rush his decision; he knew that the future of Charlie’s Book Club hung in the balance. Besides, he had bigger issues to deal with. Heroically resisting the urge to sigh, he returned to the Project Phoenix Rising file.
Analytically speaking, the agency was in deep shit. They were hemorrhaging clients, costs were way out of control, and they had recently begun losing key people to competitors. The first page of the Project Phoenix Rising document included a list of issues (creative, staff, new business) that Helmut had identified as critical to the future of the agency, matters that needed immediate attention. Charlie studied the list, his eyes first burning, then blurring.
Staring at the computer screen, he was suddenly overwhelmed with the task at hand. “Fat” memos, book clubs, and summer outings were clearly not main concerns. Not for the first time, he felt over his head in his position and longed to be back on the creative side of things. He reread the list of critical issues, realized he could easily add another ten to it, then checked his watch. It was five forty-five in the morning. Then he put his head on his desk and closed his eyes.
He fell instantly into a dream about Huckleberry Finn. He was short and freckled and was pushing a raft made of logs into a fast-flowing brown river.
“Storm a-comin’,” Huck said.
“Take me with you, Huckleberry,” Charlie said. He glanced over his shoulder. The landscape was rocky and barren. He knew something terrible was out there, though. Something was coming just over the hill.
“Take me with you down the river,” Charlie said. The wind was picking up. “I want to leave. I need to go.”
He peered over his shoulder again and this time saw Aiesha, Margie, and Patty trotting down the hill toward him, waving pieces of fried chicken threateningly over their heads.
“I have to go now!” Charlie shouted at Huckleberry, but Huck had pushed off from the shore and was already drifting away. He pointed an oar past Charlie, at the approaching, thundering women.
“Wait! Please!”
“They’ll swamp the raft,” Huckleberry yelled as he disappeared into a mist Charlie had not seen coming.
“Please,” Charlie yelled over and over. “Please.” But Huck was gone and the mist was everywhere.
Georgia, Charlie’s assistant, was frantic.
“Charlie Baker, you wake up now. You get up!”
“What? What are you doing?”
She heaved him upright in his chair. “You can’t be doing this!”
“I’m not doing anything. Can we please ratchet down the emotions?”
“You sleeping on the job, Charlie! People see you like that, sleeping, what they going to think?”
Georgia was a short, stout black woman of indeterminate age. She had been Charlie’s assistant at the old agency and had followed him to the new agency after his promotion.
“You get in to work too early,” Georgia said. She dusted off his shoulders for some reason with her hand.
“What time is it?” Charlie rubbed his face.
“Nine o’clock.”
“Nine o’clock?” This shocked him. He had been asleep for three hours.
“Helmut was looking for you. He’s here.”
“What do you mean? What are you talking about?”
“Helmut was here!”
Charlie stopped breathing. “Helmut? Helmut is here, in Chicago? Already? When?”
“About one minute ago. About sixty seconds ago.”
“What do you mean, here? Where was he?” Charlie’s voice was rising.
Georgia’s eyes grew wider. “Here, Charlie. He was right here in your office.” She whispered this last sentence.
“My
office
? You mean, here?”
“He just walked past me and opened the door.”
The image of Helmut marching into his office like it was the Sudetenland and watching him sleep was too much for Charlie. He felt one of his arms tingle, a precursor to numbness. “You mean he just came in here? Did he see me?”
“Well, he was right here, standing right here.” She pointed to the floor.
“But did he see me sleeping?”
Georgia nodded frantically and began wringing her hands. “There was no way he could miss you. He just walked in. I couldn’t stop him.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I tried. I said your name, I said, Charlie, Charlie, you know, to wake you, but you kept right on sleeping. I didn’t want to yell. I didn’t think that would be appropriate.”