MANGAN Well, I am damned!
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER I thought so. I was, too, for many years. The negress redeemed me.
MANGAN [
feebly
] This is queer. I ought to walk out of this house.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Why?
MANGAN Well, many men would be offended by your style of talking.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Nonsense! It’s the other sort of talking that makes quarrels. Nobody ever quarrels with me.
A gentleman, whose first-rate tailoring and frictionless manners proclaim the wellbred West Ender, comes in from the hall. He has an engaging air of being young and unmarried, but on close inspection is found to be at least over forty.
THE GENTLEMAN Excuse my intruding in this fashion, but there is no knocker on the door and the bell does not seem to ring.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Why should there be a knocker? Why should the bell ring? The door is open.
THE GENTLEMAN Precisely. So I ventured to come in.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Quite right. I will see about a room for you [
he makes for the door
].
THE GENTLEMAN [stopping him] But I’m afraid you don’t know who I am.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Do you suppose that at my age I make distinctions between one fellowcreature and another? [
He goes out. MANGAN and the newcomer stare at one another.
]
MANGAN Strange character, Captain Shotover, sir.
THE GENTLEMAN Very.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [
shouting outside
] Hesione, another person has arrived and wants a room. Man about town, well dressed, fifty.
THE GENTLEMAN Fancy Hesione’s feelings! May I ask are you a member of the family?
MANGAN No.
THE GENTLEMAN I am. At least a connection.
MRS HUSHABYE comes back.
MRS HUSHABYE How do you do? How good of you to come!
THE GENTLEMAN I am very glad indeed to make your acquaintance, Hesione. [
Instead of taking her hand he kisses her. At the same moment the captain appears in the doorway.
] You will excuse my kissing your daughter, Captain, when I tell you that—
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Stuff! Everyone kisses my daughter. Kiss her as much as you like [
he makes for the pantry
]
.
THE GENTLEMAN Thank you. One moment, Captain. [The
captain halts and turns. The gentleman goes to him affably.
] Do you happen to remember—but probably you don‘t, as it occurred many years ago—that your younger daughter married a numskull?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Yes. She said she’d marry anybody to get away from this house. I should not have recognized you: your head is no longer like a walnut. Your aspect is softened. You have been boiled in bread and milk for years and years, like other married men. Poor devil! [
He disappears into the pantry.
]
MRS HUSHABYE [
going past MANGAN to the gentleman and scrutinizing him
]
.
I don’t believe you are Hastings Utterword.
THE GENTLEMAN I am not.
MRS HUSHABYE Then what business had you to kiss me?
THE GENTLEMAN I thought I would like to. The fact is, I am Randall Utterword, the unworthy younger brother of Hastings. I was abroad diplomatizing when he was married.
LADY UTTERWORD [
dashing in
] Hesione, where is the key of the wardrobe in my room? My diamonds are in my dressing-bag: I must lock it up—[
recognizing the stranger with a shock
] Randall, how dare you? [
She marches at him past MRS HUSHABYE, who retreats and joins MANGAN near the sofa.]
RANDALL How dare I what? I am not doing anything.
LADY UTTERWORD Who told you I was here?
RANDALL Hastings. You had just left when I called on you at Claridge’s; so I followed you down here. You are looking extremely well.
LADY UTTERWORD Don’t presume to tell me so.
MRS HUSHABYE What is wrong with Mr Randall, Addy?
LADY UTTERWORD [
recollecting herself
] Oh, nothing. But he has no right to come bothering you and papa without being invited [
she goes to the window-seat and sits down, turning away from them ill-humoredly and looking into the garden, where HECTOR and ELLIE are now seen strolling together
]
.
MRS HUSHABYE I think you have not met Mr Mangan, Addy.
LADY UTTERWORD [
turning her head and nodding coldly to MANGAN
] I beg your pardon. Randall, you have flustered me so: I make a perfect fool of myself.
MRS HUSHABYE Lady Utterword. My sister. My younger sister.
MANGAN [
bowing
] Pleased to meet you, Lady Utterword.
LADY UTTERWORD [
with marked interest
] Who is that gentleman walking in the garden with Miss Dunn?
MRS HUSHABYE I don’t know. She quarrelled mortally with my husband only ten minutes ago; and I didn’t know anyone else had come. It must be a visitor. [
She goes to the window to look.
] Oh, it is Hector. They’ve made it up.
LADY UTTERWORD Your husband! That handsome man?
MRS HUSHABYE Well, why shouldn’t my husband be a handsome man?
RANDALL [
joining them at the window
] One’s husband never is, Ariadne [
he sits by LADY UTTERWORD, on her right
]
.
MRS HUSHABYE One’s sister’s husband always is, Mr Randall.
LADY UTTERWORD Don’t be vulgar, Randall. And you, Hesione, are just as bad.
ELLIE and HECTOR come in from the garden by the starboard door. Randall rises. ELLIE retires into the corner near the pantry. HECTOR comes forward; and LADY UTTERWORD rises looking her very best.
MRS. HUSHABYE Hector, this is Addy.
HECTOR [
apparently surprised
] Not this lady.
LADY UTTERWORD [
smiling
] Why not?
HECTOR [
looking at her with a piercing glance of deep but respectful admiration, his moustache bristling
] I thought—[
pulling himself together
]
.
I beg your pardon, Lady Utterword. I am extremely glad to welcome you at last under our roof [
he offers his hand with grave courtesy
]
.
MRS HUSHABYE She wants to be kissed, Hector.
LADY UTTERWORD Hesione! [
But she still smiles.
]
MRS HUSHABYE Call her Addy; and kiss her like a good brother-in-law; and have done with it.
[She leaves them to themselves.
]
HECTOR Behave yourself, Hesione. Lady Utterword is entitled not only to hospitality but to civilization.
LADY UTTERWORD [
gratefully
] Thank you, Hector. [
They shake hands cordially.
]
MAZZINI DUNN is seen crossing the garden from starboard to port.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER [coming from the pantry
and addressing
ELLIE] Your father has washed himself.
ELLIE [
quite self-possessed
] He often does, Captain Shotover.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER A strange conversion! I saw him through the pantry window.
MAZZINI DUNN enters through the port window door, newly washed and brushed, and stops, smiling benevolently, between MANGAN and MRS HUSHABYE.
MRS HUSHABYE [
introducing
] Mr Mazzini Dunn, Lady Ut—oh, I forgot: you’ve met. [
Indicating ELLIE
] Miss Dunn.
MAZZINI [
walking across the room to take ELLIE’s hand, and beaming at his own naughty irony
]
I
have met Miss Dunn also. She is my daughter. [
He draws her arm through his caressingly.
]
MRS HUSHABYE Of course: how stupid! Mr Utterword, my sister‘s—er—
RANDALL [
shaking hands agreeably
] Her brother-in-law, Mr Dunn. How do you do?
MRS HUSHABYE This is my husband.
HECTOR We have met, dear. Don’t introduce us any more. [
He moves away to the big chair, and adds
] Won’t you sit down, Lady Utterword? [
She does so very graciously.
]
MRS HUSHABYE Sorry. I hate it: it’s like making people show their tickets.
MAZZINI [
sententiously
] How little it tells us, after all! The great question is, not who we are, but what we are.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER Ha! What are you?
MAZZINI [
taken aback
] What am I?
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER A thief, a pirate, and a murderer.
MAZZINI I assure you you are mistaken.
CAPTAIN SHOTOVER An adventurous life; but what does it end in? Respectability. A ladylike daughter. The language and appearance of a city missionary. Let it be a warning to all of you [
he goes out through the garden
]
.
DUNN I hope nobody here believes that I am a thief, a pirate, or a murderer. Mrs Hushabye, will you excuse me a moment? I must really go and explain. [
He follows the captain.
]
MRS HUSHABYE [
as he goes
] It’s no use.You’d really better—[
but DUNN has vanished
]
.
We had better all go out and look for some tea. We never have regular tea; but you can always get some when you want: the servants keep it stewing all day. The kitchen veranda is the best place to ask. May I show you? [
She goes to the starboard door.
RANDALL [
going with her
] Thank you, I don’t think I’ll take any tea this afternoon. But if you will show me the garden—
MRS HUSHABYE There’s nothing to see in the garden except papa’s observatory, and a gravel pit with a cave where he keeps dynamite and things of that sort. However, it’s pleasanter out of doors; so come along.
RANDALL Dynamite! Isn’t that rather risky?
MRS HUSHABYE Well, we don’t sit in the gravel pit when there’s a thunderstorm.
LADY UTTERWORD That’s something new. What is the dynamite for?
HECTOR To blow up the human race if it goes too far. He is trying to discover a psychic ray that will explode all the explosive at the will of a Mahatma.
ks
ELLIE The captain’s tea is delicious, Mr Utterword.
MRS HUSHABYE [
stopping in the doorway
] Do you mean to say that you’ve had some of my father’s tea? that you got round him before you were ten minutes in the house?
ELLIE I did.
MRS HUSHABYE You little devil! [
She goes out with RANDALL
.]
MANGAN Won’t you come, Miss Ellie?
ELLIE I’m too tired. I’ll take a book up to my room and rest a little. [
She goes to the bookshelf.
]
MANGAN Right. You can’t do better. But I’m disappointed. [
He follows RANDALL and MRS HUSHABYE.
]
ELLIE, HECTOR, and LADY UTTERWORD are left. HECTOR is close to LADY UTTERWORD. They look at ELLIE, waiting for her to go.
ELLIE [
looking at the title of a book
] Do you like stories of adventure, Lady Utterword?
LADY UTTERWORD [
patronizingly
] Of course, dear.
ELLIE Then I’ll leave you to Mr Hushabye. [
She goes out through the hall.
]
HECTOR That girl is mad about tales of adventure. The lies I have to tell her!
LADY UTTERWORD [
not interested in ELLIE
] When you saw me what did you mean by saying that you thought, and then stopping short? What did you think?
HECTOR [
folding his arms and looking down at her magnetically
] May I tell you?
LADY UTTERWORD Of course.
HECTOR It will not sound very civil. I was on the point of saying, “I thought you were a plain woman.”
LADY UTTERWORD Oh, for shame, Hector! What right had you to notice whether I am plain or not?
HECTOR Listen to me, Ariadne. Until today I have seen only photographs of you; and no photograph can give the strange fascination of the daughters of that supernatural old man. There is some damnable quality in them that destroys men’s moral sense, and carries them beyond honor and dishonor. You know that, don’t you?
LADY UTTERWORD Perhaps I do, Hector. But let me warn you once for all that I am a rigidly conventional woman. You may think because I’m a Shotover that I’m a Bohemian, because we are all so horribly Bohemian. But I’m not. I hate and loathe Bohemianism. No child brought up in a strict Puritan household ever suffered from Puritanism as I suffered from our Bohemianism.
HECTOR Our children are like that. They spend their holidays in the houses of their respectable schoolfellows.
LADY UTTERWORD I shall invite them for Christmas.
HECTOR Their absence leaves us both without our natural chaperones.
LADY UTTERWORD Children are certainly very inconvenient sometimes. But intelligent people can always manage, unless they are Bohemians.
HECTOR You are no Bohemian; but you are no Puritan either: your attraction is alive and powerful. What sort of woman do you count yourself?
LADY UTTERWORD I am a woman of the world, Hector; and I can assure you that if you will only take the trouble always to do the perfectly correct thing, and to say the perfectly correct thing, you can do just what you like. An ill-conducted, careless woman gets simply no chance. An ill-conducted, careless man is never allowed within arm’s length of any woman worth knowing.
HECTOR I see. You are neither a Bohemian woman nor a Puritan woman. You are a dangerous woman.
LADY UTTERWORD On the contrary, I am a safe woman.
HECTOR You are a most accursedly attractive woman. Mind, I am not making love to you. I do not like being attracted. But you had better know how I feel if you are going to stay here.
LADY UTTERWORD You are an exceedingly clever lady-killer, Hector. And terribly handsome. I am quite a good player, myself, at that game. Is it quite understood that we are only playing?
HECTOR Quite. I am deliberately playing the fool, out of sheer worthlessness.
LADY UTTERWORD [
rising brightly
] Well, you are my brother-in-law. Hesione asked you to kiss me. [
He seizes her in his arms and kisses her strenuously.
] Oh! that was a little more than play, brother-in-law. [
She pushes him suddenly away.
] You shall not do that again.