“Can we talk, Dasha?”
“I’m cooking,” I mumble quietly, not wanting to get into this now. It’s not really up to Lucas who I have in my house.
“Can we just talk about this, in private, please?”
I close my eyes. “Not now, Lucas, please. It’s been a long day.”
He nods his head, hurt. “Fine, I’ll leave you to it then.”
He turns and storms out the door. I sigh, not wanting to fight with him. I put the knife down, shoot a look at Slade and then follow Lucas out the door.
“Lucas, wait, please!”
He spins around and I can see he’s hurt. I never meant to hurt him. God I’m such an ass. I grip his arms and force him to look at me. I don’t have to explain myself to Lucas, but I’m going to because he’s done so much for me and I don’t want to lose him.
“I’m sorry ok? It’s only for a
while, he had nowhere else to go.”
“He’s not your problem Dash,” Lucas whispers. “He hurt you and he’ll do it again. You are setting yourself up for pain.”
“Look, we were friends a long time ago and I know him. He’s not going to be here half the time anyway, neither will I.”
“I can’t change your mind on this, that’s quite clear, but I wish you would listen to me Dash. This isn’t a good idea.”
“It’s only for a while.”
He sighs and closes his eyes. “I have to go.”
“But you came over to eat…”
He opens his eyes and forces a smile. “I know, but…I just need to go.”
“Please don’t be mad at me Lucas, I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head, but I’m not buying it. “I’m not. I’ll call you later ok?”
He turns and gets into his car without another word. I sigh and turn, walking back inside. Slade is stirring the chicken I put on the pan and I smile weakly at him.
“How long have you been with him?”
“I’m not with him.”
He raises his brows. “You do realize he’s in love with you, don’t you?”
I nod weakly. “Yeah I know.”
He stares at me for a long moment,
then turns back to the stirring. I walk over and take the spoon from his hand, and our fingers brush together. I shudder and quickly pull away, daring to peek up at him. He’s looking down at me, his eyes intense and searching my face. Then, he pulls himself together and walks out of the kitchen.
“I’m going out for a while.”
“You don’t have to tell me,” I say in a small voice.
He stops and looks over at me. “No, I suppose I don’t.”
Then he takes his keys and leaves. What the hell just happened?
“Hey Dashy,” Slade says, falling in step beside me, as we walk down the stone paths towards class.
“Hey Slade, what’s up?”
“Pizza and movies tonight, my parents are away.”
I beam at him. It’s not often Slade and I get to hang out freely. Most of the time we have to hide our friendship. Occasionally his parents go away and we manage to get a night of laughing and fun together.
“I love when your parents go away,” I grin.
He laughs and pushes me lightly. “Me too.”
“Hi Slade.”
We both turn to see Mary sauntering over in her tiny excuse of a uniform. She swishes her long blonde hair from side to side as she smiles up at Slade.
“Hey Mary.”
“I was wondering if you wanted to go to the movies tonight?”
Is she seriously pretending like I’m not here?
“Nah, I’m hanging out with Dash.”
Mary turns her eyes to me and runs them over my body as though I’m nothing more than a pathetic child she’s forced to acknowledge.
“Right, well, another night then?”
“Maybe.”
Slade says.
She nods her head and turns her nose up before walking off. I look at Slade and then burst into a fit of giggles. He shoves me lightly.
“Hey now, go easy on me Dashy.”
“Movies Slade?”
I mock in a high pitched voice.
“Aw, go easy.”
I grip his shirt and crush it in my hands, pressing myself against him. “I love you Slade Devaroe, take me, take me home to your bed.”
He laughs and tugs my hair playfully, titling my head back.
“You are a mean girl, Dasha Jewel.”
I giggle and press a smacking kiss to his lips.
“Yeah well, you love me.”
“Like a stomach ache.”
I am curled up on the couch, thinking about Slade. Part of me wonders if we could ever form that sort of friendship again. We were so close, so happy, so in tune with each other. He always knew how I felt, even when I didn’t say a word. He always knew how to make me laugh, when I was done and he always fixed my hurts. We just fit, everything about us just fit so well. I feel my eyes burn as I think about it, so I distract myself by flicking through the channels.
I find a tragic love story, and end up falling asleep half way through. I wake much later on when the house is dark. I hear someone in the kitchen so I sit up quietly and peer over. The light from the fridge is shining over Slade, who is leaning in and ruffling through it. I open my mouth and it forms a big ‘O’ but it’s not because of the fact that he’s wearing no shirt and looks utterly stunning, it’s because of the faint bruises I see all down his back.
I stand quietly and move closer, squinting my eyes. Oh god, there’s so many of them. He’s got them on his ribs, the middle of his back, even up near his shoulders. What the hell happened? Did he get into a fight? His face is perfect, not a mark. I don’t understand.
“Slade?”
I whisper.
He spins around so quickly the milk carton in his hand skitters across the floor. I gasp when I see his chest, more bruises. He sees my eyes and quickly shuts the fridge so we’re in the dark.
“Slade, what…”
“Nothing.
It’s nothing.”
“Slade…”
“Fuck off Dasha, just fuck off. It’s none of your business.”
Then he’s gone and I’m standing in the darkness panting. What the hell happened to him? Whatever it was, it runs deep.
I wake the next morning and find Slade already awake. He’s in the kitchen, leaning against the bench with a new carton of milk in his hands. He waves it at me when he sees me and I smile. “Milk, thanks,” I murmur.
“I couldn’t leave you without
milk, it wouldn’t be very kind of a guest to do that.”
He emphasizes the word guest and I wince. He must have heard me talking to Lucas last night when I said he wasn’t staying long.
“I didn’t mean that last night, you can stay as long as you need.”
He pours the milk into his coffee and then nods at me, indicating the coffee mug.
“Please.”
“So I’m not just a guest?”
“Look, Slade, we had a deal and you won. I’m not going to kick you out, I’d rather have a housemate I know, than a housemate I don’t.”
“Fair enough,” he says meeting my gaze. “Your friend doesn’t seem happy about that.”
“He’ll be fine, he’ll get over it, I’m sure.”
“How come you aren’t together with him?”
“It’s….complicated.”
Slade tilts his head to the side and stares at me intently.
“How?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
He sips his coffee, still staring at me with those stupid aqua eyes. I sip mine too, looking away.
“You’ve slept with him though, haven’t you?”
I turn my eyes back to his and swallow, how does he know that? Is it so obvious?
“Once and I told him it couldn’t happen again. The feelings aren’t there. I care about him, I love him as a friend
, and yeah, there are times I’ve wanted more, but it’s not enough. I won’t hurt him.”
“You’re too good a person, Dash.”
“Maybe, or maybe I’ve just lived with enough hurt to know I don’t want to inflict it on anyone else.”
His eyes grow pained and he looks away.
Great. Time to change the subject.
“What about you Slade, why haven’t you settled down and moved in with someone?”
“Been busy with racing.”
“Have you lived with your dad the whole time?” I ask, sliding my bottom onto the bench.
“No, when we moved away I moved out on my own, but when he wanted to come back here, I knew I’d have to live with him for a few months.”
“What about Kandee?”
He snorts. “What about her?”
“Well you two seem…err…close.”
He laughs and the sound fills my ears with joy, because it’s a real laugh, not a mocking laugh. “Kandee is fun, Dashy. That’s it.”
“Oh.”
“Why, you up for the challenge of winning my heart?”
I smirk at him and he gives me a warm smile, the first I’ve seen in a long, long time.
“Nah, I think I’ll leave that up to Kandee.”
He chuckles. “Scared?”
“Of you? Nope!”
“You should be,” he murmurs.
“I know you all too well, Slade.”
He goes silent a moment and then says, “Not anymore you don’t.”
I look up at him and search his face. His features are hard now, and he’s looking down into his coffee. It’s like he has so much he wants to say, but can’t.
“Slade, what are those bruises on your body?”
He jerks and shoots me a glare so horrible I flinch. “None of your business, ok?”
“I just…”
“Don’t, Dasha. My life isn’t yours anymore. You know nothing about me now.”
I look away painfully as he turns and walks out of the room. He’s right though, I don’t know anything about him anymore and it hurts me. It hurts me to my very core.
I hate today, I’ve hated this same day every year for three years now. It’s the day it all happened. It’s the day my life changed. It’s the day my father’s life changed. It’s the day we lost her, the person who made everything beautiful. I find it hard to drag myself out of bed, I don’t want to face it. I want to sleep it away and hope I can just move onto the next day quickly. I can’t do that though, I have to go and see her grave, to tell her I love her, even if she can’t hear me.
I throw my legs out of bed and peer around the dark
room, I don’t know how to deal with this day sometimes. Each year, it almost seems to get worse instead of better. I stand and walk into the shower, turning it on. The water is freezing cold and I curse. Damn Slade, he always uses the hot water. I storm out of the room with a robe wrapped around me and pound on his bedroom door. A moment later he answers it, fully dressed. I can see Kandee behind him, sprawled out on his bed butt naked. Nice.
“You used all the hot water!” I snap before he can speak.
“Yeah, Kandee and I had a nice…long…shower.” He smirks.
“Fuck it Slade, it’s not your house! I don’t want a shower in cold water! You’re paying extra for that!”
He raises his brows at me. “Someone’s in a fine mood this morning.”
“Fuck you!”
He narrows his eyes now. “What’s the problem Dash? I just used the water, sorry, I won’t do it again.”
“The problem is you bringing that little…
thing
…around to my house and using all my water and eating all my food. You’re not paying much to live here Slade, the least you could do is be respectful.”
He moves away from the door and I’m about to curse at his rudeness when he returns with a wad of cash.
“Here,” he mutters, thrusting at me.
“I don’t want your money.”
He snorts. “Wow Dash, you’re really in fine form this morning. You don’t want my money but you want to abuse me because I waste your money.”
“Shut up Slade, just don’t do it again!”
“Whatever, are we done?”
I spin on my heel and storm off, furious at him and myself. I’m letting my emotions get the better of me, I need to slow down. I take a cold shower, resting my head on the tiles as I shiver half to death. The cold is a distraction though and I’m grateful for that. When I get out, Lucas is sitting in my room. He smiles gently over at me. He knows what this day is. Of course he would remember, he wasn’t even there and he remembers. Slade doesn’t remember, or maybe he just doesn’t care.
“Hey Dash, how are you feeling?”
“Not great, I’m so
emotional, I just about tore Slade’s head off this morning for using the hot water.”
“It’s
ok, you’re allowed to be upset.”
“I just don’t think I can deal with it,” I whisper, my voice too pained to use.
Lucas stands and walks over, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest. “You can deal with it, I’ll be with you the entire time.”
“Can I go to her grave alone? I just…I always do and…”