Racing Outside the Line: A Love Story at 190 Mph (37 page)

I looked down at his hand and picked it up, spinning his wedding band around his finger. He wanted me to be me, but who was I? "I’m not who you think I am, Seth. I’m not that strong kid that ignored her dad and shoved her way into your racing world. I used to be, but… well… you left me." I didn’t want to sound as if I were trying to get his pity or rehash our emotional past, but there was no way around bringing up the moments that altered who I had become. "I centered on
just you
for so long that when you were gone, I had to find another way to exist. Part of that led me to finding myself, which was good, but part of that was finding other ways to get attention. I would love to say that I was confident and didn’t need the approval of others, but…" this sounded so damn pitiful. I really just wished to take back the whole conversation.

"I broke you," he sounded like the pitiful one now, but he was so right that it hurt. I was someone else back then, and I had healed and become a different person. I nodded, staring again at his wedding band, pushing it around his finger in circles. I didn’t want to continue, didn’t know where to continue, so I sat there quietly until he spoke again.

"Remember the day you came back? Going out on the lake? You said," he paused thoughtfully. "You said that when you break something and someone else has to fix it, you don’t get a say in how they put it back together." I was surprised that he remembered that so clearly. I had been out for blood that day. I wanted him to feel not only what he had done to me, but what he could have had with me. He nudged my chin up with his right index finger until I looked him in the eye. "I get it, love, I understand that things are different now. I know you better than you think I do, and I love
all
of you, but I think you underestimate your own strength and how strong we are for each other. Don’t tell me you don’t feel it, because I know you do." I smiled at him. Of course, I felt it too. How many times had I likened him to oxygen? He was what kept me going. "When we’re together, it’s like the rest of the world is in the background. We don’t need any of it, it’s nice to have, but we don’t
need
it or them, not like we need each other. I’m so strong with you by my side, it’s why I ran out and bought your rings the day after we made love. I knew it. I felt it, how different I was, how different everything felt. Don’t you feel that too?"

Belonging to him had made me punch Paulie, being in his arms had made me bold enough to practically make out with him in front of several garages of men, the very idea of being pulled away from him had made me threaten Jake. Stronger? Okay, I could definitely see that I was stronger. I smiled a little. I watched him watch me and it was still a little unnerving that he could read me so well.

"See? You see it, don’t you? So why haven’t you let it settle into you when we’re apart?" I let out a loud sigh and shrugged. "Don’t give me that! I don’t ever want to see another shrug from you as long as we live." He actually sounded a bit angry, and the sudden switch in emotions surprised me. "I’m not some stranger, I’m not even just some friend, hell, I’m not even Chelsea; we should always be able to talk to each other about anything. I know I’ve screwed things up for us in the past, but I’m your husband now, for eternity. Talk to me!"

He was right. He was my Seth. I should feel comfortable talking to him; I should be able to say anything. It was still difficult, though, but I pushed the words out. "It’s harder when we’re apart. I guess, I mean, you’ve known you wouldn’t let me go, but I didn’t. It’s only been a few days, Seth. It hasn’t fully hit me yet. When we’re apart and everyone is questioning us and you and talking about
her
, it’s harder to remember that I’m not still alone." He was nodding encouragingly.

"And?" he prompted patiently. I was trying to be as honest as I could, but I was holding back and damn him for knowing that.

Urgh! Urgh! Urgh! I looked down again, fiddling with his wedding band. "Deep down I’m"—why was this so difficult? I trusted him, I forgave him, but my mind wouldn’t let go of all the lessons it had learned in the past. My voice sounded small and insignificant as I gave in and admitted, "I’m scared you’ll walk away again. I’m sorry, I just…"

"Stop," his voice sounded so very firm and demanding. "I screwed up, Lexie, I know that better than anyone, and I don’t deserve you." I shook my head at him, "No, I’m serious. I’ve hurt you, I’ve been an idiot, but—look at me, Lex—" I looked into his eyes and he seemed so determined to let me see deep inside his heart. "I can’t ever leave you again." His voice was sad and emotional. His eyes were pleading with me.

In an instant the sorrow in his eyes went away and was replaced with a flash of anger. It surprised me, and I jerked back momentarily. "Are you completely blind?" he accused. "Have you not heard anything those women have been telling you? They’ve been on me for years about having split personalities. Don’t you get it? I couldn’t function. I was too weak to be me around any of the women I was with. I couldn’t just let myself go like I do with you." He put his hand on my cheek again and kissed me softly. "Even if I could somehow ignore the blinding need to constantly be touching you," his tone was much softer now, "I could never be satisfied with going back to how I used to be. I don’t just
want
to be with you, I
need
you. You’re the other half of me." He kissed me again a little more forcefully this time before whispering softly against my lips, "I don’t want to live without you." His voice was adamant and yet shaking with emotion. His lips met mine again as I gave into the need to kiss him back.

He didn’t want to live without me. The thought bounced around in my head as he grabbed me, forcefully holding my lips to his. His fingers bit into my upper arms enough to tell me that he was overwhelmed and feeling vulnerable. I tried to respond. I tried to tell him that I felt the same way and was stupid not to have let it sink into my head before, but he wouldn’t let me. His powerful lips overtook mine suddenly making me feel like a passenger along for a glorious ride as he yanked off my shirt and roughly ripped off my jeans. I tried to pull his shirt off him, but I was clearly moving too slowly, so he took over and practically ripped his own clothes off before returning his mouth to plundering mine. I felt more than a little overpowered by him as he unclasped my bra and threw it across the room then shoved his hand down the front of my panties momentarily before stripping them from my body. Our days together at our private villa had been lazy and our lovemaking had been seductive and sultry, but this was a side I hadn’t seen of Seth before. He couldn’t seem to control his strength or his need. It was frightening and sexy all at the same time. My only choice really was to cling to him as his desire overwhelmed me.

An hour and a half later, we were both completely exhausted. I would have loved nothing more than to sleep there in his arms for a few days recovering, but Seth’s cell phone rang from the kitchen and he started to pull away from me to answer it, but seemed to change his mind. He pulled me up out of bed and into the shower.

"Aagh! It’s cold!" I squealed when the water hit my body reaching out to turn up the warm water. It wasn’t freezing, but it certainly wasn’t the relaxing hot shower I had in mind.

"Love, if you turn up the warm water, you might as well commit us to being in here for another hour, because I won’t be able to stop myself. I’m betting Des is already back and sitting outside waiting for us to come out of hiding." I made an exaggerated pouty face at him before taking my hand off the faucet. He surprised me by taking my lower lip between his teeth. Desmond or no Desmond, I was about to wrap my arms around him again when I heard pounding on the side of the motor coach. Yelling followed the pounding, but I couldn’t make out what was being said. I turned questioning eyes on Seth and he answered with a groan, "Jake."

Much to my disappointment, we finished our shower and dried off. I was so tired by this point that I threw my naked body back onto the bed and closed my eyes. When I heard Seth groan again, I knew he was wishing we were completely alone again as well. I heard him open a few drawers and felt his hands at my feet. I propped myself up on my elbows to see him pulling a pair of panties up my legs.

"Hey, where did you get those?" I looked at the baby blue panties I had been wearing underneath my nightgown the first night we made love. I knew I hadn’t packed them in my suitcase.

"I had Christina stop by and pack up some of your things to put here in the motor coach. She left them with me in Belize, and I unpacked them while I was waiting for you this afternoon. This half of the dresser is yours," he pointed, "your jeans are in the bottom drawer, your t-shirts in the middle drawer, and some shirts hanging in the closet, your socks in the small drawer on the right, and your bras and panties in the small drawer on the left, although I’m sure my boxers would be happy to have your panties mingling in with them. I was thinking I might dangle a pair of them from the inside of my race car for good luck." How could I not love this man? Ale—
her
things being here had bothered me, and he made sure that all of my things were here, instead—not just of couple drawers either. As I looked around, I saw a lot of my things. A pair of my simple black, pointed toe heels was sitting next to a few pairs of sandals and a pair of black Converse. Sweaters were hanging in the closet next to shirts and even a few dresses. I couldn’t believe I had missed the photograph of Seth, Desmond, and me at a late model race when we were younger sitting on top of the dresser. It had been in the same place next to my TV in my room at home. Seth was behind me pulling a bra over my arms as I sat there wondering how I hadn’t noticed any of this earlier. "This is
our
home away from home, yours and mine," he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. He hadn’t put a shirt on yet, so his bare chest warmed my nearly bare back. "You want to change anything in here, do it. You want to trade this one in and get a new one, I will. I’ll do anything to make you feel like this belongs to you too. As my wife, everything I have is half yours, except, of course, my heart, which is completely and totally yours." He nuzzled my neck again sending shivers up my spine.

We both heard the door open to the motor coach.

"Seth! Come here Seth!" Desmond was yelling. "I have to talk to you!" He sounded serious. Seth jumped up off the bed and jogged out of the room in just his jeans. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, so I continued to get ready. I was completely dressed and slipping my toes between a pair of flip-flops when Seth came back into the room.

He looked worried about something. He didn’t say anything, but went to a drawer and pulled out a dark grey t-shirt.

"What’s wrong?" I asked when he continued to get dressed quietly. He shook his head making me even more worried. "What did Desmond want?" He didn’t answer me. Instead, he turned his back to me and retrieved a pair of socks from a drawer. My stomach dropped.

So I was supposed to "talk to him" but he didn’t have to do the same? Trying to keep the hurt from my face, I walked back into the bathroom and needlessly pulled the brush through my hair. Stronger
with me
, huh? So why didn’t he want to tell me what was going on? Wouldn’t I
help
him? Wouldn’t the so-called
strength
I gave him only do good? I felt as though I’d been punched in the gut. I heard him come to stand in the doorway and knew he was watching me. I tried my best to look composed, but my traitorous hand shook just a little as I brought the brush up to my scalp.
Damn it! You’re supposed to be strong.

I could see him walking toward me in the mirror, but avoided making contact with his eyes.
Jerk.
Was he always going to send me from one extreme to the other?

"I’m sorry, baby." Please tell me he didn’t haul off and kiss some other girl…
again
. "I don’t like seeing you worry or seeing you in pain, and I still think I can shield you from things that will cause that. I—I forget that it’s worse for you when I keep anything from you, so I’ll just tell you and we can deal with it together." Okay, that was a definite improvement. It was good that he figured out that withholding information was worse than whatever that information was. I could forgive his momentary lapse in judgment; this was new for both of us. I turned around and patiently waited for him to continue.

"The phone—the first two calls were Alexandria, the last was Desmond before he tried calling your phone twice. One of the wives called her and told her about you. She was a little angry. She said some unpleasant things about you, and she said she wants to meet with me tonight. If I don’t go see her, then she will cause a scene tomorrow in front of the media."

Bitch!
She was smart; I had to give her that. This put Seth in a tricky situation. No wonder Desmond sounded concerned. Seth had already had too much bad publicity, but if she was willing to dangle this threat in front of Seth now, then she would surely do it again and again. If she thought she could use this angle to get to him, she would keep doing it. I shook my head. "No, you can’t go."

"I don’t want her to drag you into this tomorrow in front of everyone. Maybe if I go talk to her tonight I can get her to back off and leave you alone."

"I’m not a baby, Seth. You don’t need to shelter me. I may sound weak and helpless when it comes to the other women here, but I’m so much better equipped to deal with Alexandria. I couldn’t care less what that little bitch thinks of me, but I do care what the other wives think of me. I can handle Alexandria
all by myself
," I emphasized the last few words with the evil, "don’t mess with me" attitude I was fully capable of when I felt it was earned. Seth’s eyes bulged. He hadn’t known me in college, he hadn’t seen me defend my sisters or defend myself against those who had earned my hatred. When my survival mode kicked in, I was no shy wallflower; I was in there throwing punches with the best of them. "Have Desmond call her back and inform her that you have nothing to say to her, and there is nothing you want to hear from her, and if she pursues you further, you will place a restraining order against her."