Rainbow Blues (2 page)

It was Wednesday. Sure, Zach had skipped the past weekend’s visit to study for exams—it was his last year, and he was poised to get his bachelor’s degree in the spring with a great grade point average—but Luke hadn’t expected him to visit midweek.

Nor had he expected Ryan to join him. Ryan and Zach had been inseparable for years, but Luke hadn’t seen him much since the house was sold two years ago.

He hung his jacket back up and quickly cleared away the detritus of dinner. Already this was more exciting than any weeknight he’d had… pretty much since he moved into this apartment.

A few minutes later, he poked his head out the door. Ryan hadn’t come up yet, nor had he buzzed again. It didn’t take that long to get to his apartment, he didn’t think. Luke shut the door again and paced. Although he wanted more than anything to give his son the benefit of the doubt, Zach showing up midweek with Ryan as a buffer likely meant bad news. After all, when Luke admitted he was gay and that was the impetus for divorcing Zach’s mom, he’d half expected Zach to hate him. When the opposite occurred, he’d been so grateful, even though Kelly had told him it wouldn’t be a problem. Despite their youth when they had Zach, they still managed to raise a good kid between them, which was why this midweek visit was so disturbing.

Frowning, he shut the door again. Maybe he’d just fallen asleep on the couch and dreamed the whole thing. Odd for his subconscious to add in Zach’s best friend, but there was no accounting for dreams. Hell, if his brain had any sense, he’d have been dreaming about having sex with a hot guy—and not Zach’s best friend. He shuddered.

He flopped back down on the couch, wondering if he should flip over to a
Law and Order
rerun, just to mix things up a little.

T
HE
CLICK
of the deadbolt turning sent a spike of adrenaline through Luke, and his pulse picked up. The door swung open, and Luke leapt to his feet, fists clenching in the absence of anything that might be considered a weapon.

“Hey, Dad!”

Luke blinked at the talking pine tree in his doorway, which then waddled its way into his apartment. Like an overly cheery Christmas special, a grinning head appeared from either side of the tree. Zach was a taller, lankier version of Luke, right down to the reddish brown hair, ruddy complexion, and hazel eyes. Kelly’s contribution to their son was to make Zach’s features and build sharper and more refined, so Zach looked a lot more elegant than Luke. Elegance would be wasted at Luke’s job on the construction site anyway.

Ryan, on the other hand, had sprouted some blue streaks in his black hair that hadn’t been there the last time Luke had seen him. He was shorter than Zach, and he’d been past the age of majority before he stopped looking like an underage kid.

“Hi, LJ! I found Zach before I came up.”

“I figured, Ryan. What are you two doing here? Aside from apparently delivering me a Christmas tree.”

The two young men propped the tree against the wall, and Zach dragged in a big cardboard box from the hallway.

Zach peered around Luke’s apartment with a frown, and Luke had a moment of satisfaction that he’d at least cleared away the remains of a dinner that positively screamed lonely and pathetic. Otherwise his place was clean.

“I knew it.” Zach’s frown hadn’t disappeared.

“Knew what?” Luke still suspected this might be some sort of weird dream.

“You haven’t done anything to decorate for Christmas. Just like last year.” Zach got up in his face and squinted. “You’re not spending Christmas alone are you?”

Luke put on his most innocent face. “Of course not.” The first Christmas after the divorce was final, Kelly had graciously invited him over. She knew better than anyone how uncomfortable he’d be with anyone else. Unfortunately, he’d been even more uncomfortable than he’d ever guessed. Interacting with Kelly’s new husband and getting to know Zach’s new siblings had been awkward and just plain fucked-up. Like he’d been dropped in another dimension and everyone except for him was completely different.

Instead of going through that again, he’d told Zach he was spending last Christmas with friends, when he really spent it with a bottle of Jack Daniels, the twenty-four-hour marathon of
A Christmas Story
interspersed with the
Die Hard
movies, and more than a few tears. Not so much because he thought the divorce had been a mistake, but somehow he thought things would be better. Instead, he’d only been able to mourn the comfort of a cordial, shared parenthood and the presence of his kid, which he hadn’t realized how much he relied on.

“Bullshit.”

Luke’s eyes widened. “Zach!”

“Sorry, Dad, but I didn’t believe it then, and I don’t believe it now.”

Probably he shouldn’t be surprised. After all, aside from the big secret of his sexual orientation, he’d made it a practice not to lie to his son or wife. Granted, keeping the gay thing under wraps for so many years was a pretty big secret, but the weight of it made any other lies completely untenable. And since he never had sex with men while he was married to Kelly, it made his conscience mostly clear. Last Christmas was the first time he actively lied to his son, but it had been so very necessary to his sanity.

“You should. I’m perfectly capable of keeping myself occupied.”

Ryan squished himself into a corner as far away from them as he could, in an attempt to give them some privacy, but Luke didn’t really want to discuss this now or ever, whether Ryan was there or not. Ryan’s home life made him extra sensitive to tension, and Luke had spent many of Ryan’s younger years trying to make sure Ryan was comfortable.

“Oh, really? And how do you keep yourself occupied in this place? Gonna cook a turkey dinner with all the fixings?” There was a hint of something pained in Zach’s tone that Luke didn’t quite recognize. Luke was the better cook between him and Kelly, and holiday cooking duties had fallen to him as well. Since he’d waited until Zach had moved into an apartment near the university campus before he and Kelly had moved forward to dissolve their marriage, he hadn’t realized that maybe the new family dynamic wasn’t any easier on his son than it was on him. But he wasn’t given a chance to respond before Zach stalked over to his refrigerator and flung open both fridge and freezer doors.

Boxes of no-name frozen dinners glared reproachfully from the freezer while the entire contents of his fridge consisted of beer, milk, cold cuts, mustard, and some limp lettuce. No hint of any of the groceries that should be in there, although at two weeks before Christmas, the only thing he’d have bought if he was making dinner was a turkey. At least Zach hadn’t looked in the cupboards as well. He had cereal, bread, and maybe a couple old cans of soup.

Zach’s shoulders slumped, and he turned back, his eyes glittering. Even at the grand old age of twenty-four, Luke couldn’t bear it when his son hurt. And for whatever reason, Luke’s new life hurt Zach in some indefinable way. His burgeoning irritation with Zach’s intrusion disappeared in a flash, and he wrapped a hand around his son’s neck and pulled him into a hug.

Scrunching down a few inches, Zach laid his head on his shoulder and squeezed Luke with unexpected strength.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I love you.” It had been a long time since he’d comforted Zach like this, but over the years there had been many, many occasions thanks to skinned knees, split lips, broken bones, and broken hearts. And despite the fact that it was all his fault, Luke couldn’t suppress the frisson of pride that Zach still needed his dad.

After a few minutes, Zach rubbed his eyes against Luke’s T-shirt and pulled away. Just like his dad, Zach couldn’t cry without the whole world knowing, not with those red-rimmed eyes and glowing red nose. Luke was glad that Zach’s friendship with Ryan was such that he didn’t mind showing emotion with him around.

“Dad, you can’t do this. The whole point of the divorce was so you could be happy.”

“I was happy with your mother. You have to believe that.”

Zach snorted and wiped a sleeve across his still-wet eyes. “You know, I used to believe that. You might even still believe that, but I’ve seen Mom with Mark. Neither of you were truly happy when you were together. Not the happy that comes with being in love.”

Luke tilted his head. “Are you seeing someone?” Zach hadn’t mentioned dating anyone seriously during his entire post-secondary schooling, but despite several crushes that had come to nothing in high school, he didn’t think his son had been in love for real. He almost hoped he hadn’t, because it would kill him to realize he’d missed such a milestone in Zach’s life.

Zach slammed the fridge and freezer doors shut.

“No. Jeez, Dad, this isn’t about
me
. But I’m an adult, and I’m not stupid. Mom is almost a completely different person. The way she looks at Mark and the way he looks at her….” Zach couldn’t hide embarrassment any better than he could hide crying and a blotchy red flush colored his cheeks. “Well, I’ve never seen you and Mom look at each other like that. Not ever. You always looked at each other the way… the way… Ryan and I look at each other.”

Lifelong friends. Yes, Kelly was definitely that, even if she’d moved on to a new life filled with babies, while Luke was slowly turning to middle-aged dust in a barren apartment. Luke darted a glance at Ryan curled up on the couch with his legs tucked under him. Luke had almost forgotten he was there, observing. Ryan gave Luke an abashed little grin. Since Luke didn’t exactly know how to respond, he turned back to Zach.

“It’s going to take time to get used to living on my own.” Luke didn’t know what to say to make this better.

Zach rolled his eyes. “But that’s the whole point. You’re not supposed to be living on your own like a damned secluded, celibate monk. It’s not like you have to mourn your relationship. You were both more than ready to move on, and although it came as a shock to me at the time, I should have seen the signs a long time ago. You and Mom were… are… friends, but the divorce was right for both of you. But you
haven’t
moved on, and there’s no good reason for it.” Zach’s voice climbed louder at the end, his frustration growing and amplifying Luke’s own frustration with his pathetic new life.

“I… I….” Luke didn’t want to admit to his son that he just didn’t know how to move on to a new life. Right after the divorce, he’d hit a few gay clubs. But they made him every bit as uncomfortable as Christmas at his ex-wife’s. The flash and sparkle of the clubs didn’t suit him, and he had no idea how to go about finding dates.

“Zach, I’m a construction manager, for God’s sake. No one is particularly gay friendly at work, and even if they were… they’re not my peers. How am I supposed to find a date? I tried clubs, but I hated the music, I had nothing in common with anyone, and most of them were
your
age.”

Luke supposed he wasn’t like most men, who’d feel pride getting sexual attention from younger people, but it had only made him vaguely ill. Not to say he hadn’t managed a few encounters with a few guys closer to his age. They weren’t entirely satisfactory, but he still hadn’t had anything in common with them aside from a love of dick and the need for a shared orgasm; he wasn’t about to share that information with his son.

With a sad smile, Zach gripped his shoulder and a sudden burning in his own eyes caught Luke by surprise.

“I want you to be happy, like Mom is. So, we’re here to decorate for Christmas, get you into the spirit. And I want to know you won’t be alone on Christmas.”

Luke didn’t choose to be alone. Never had, never would, but the alternative was worse. Spending time with Zach’s newly reconstituted family only made him feel more alone than his solitude.

“Zach, I appreciate the tree and all. It’s a great idea, and it will definitely cheer the place up. But I will be fine on my own.” No point in claiming to be visiting friends again. Zach wouldn’t believe the lie.

Clearing his throat, Ryan stood. “I’m just going to pop out for a smoke. I’ll be back in a few.” He grabbed his coat, gave Luke a comforting pat on the arm, and left before Luke could say anything.

Luke turned a frown on Zach. “Since when did he start smoking?”

Since Zach grew up without siblings, Ryan, who was also an only child, had become as close as a brother. Or as close as Luke assumed brothers being. Ryan didn’t have a very good home life, and he’d almost been like a second son for him and Kelly. They might have made a lot of mistakes, becoming parents so young, but Zach had always come first. Unfortunately, Ryan’s parents never had that same attitude.

Zach waved a hand in the air. “You worry too much, Dad. He’s just giving us some privacy. If he was going to take up smoking, he’d have started earlier than twenty-four.”

If Ryan had been hoping to spare any of them embarrassment, he was about ten minutes too late for that “smoke.”

“Look, I’ll be fine on my own. Really.” He might feel like an old man some days, but he certainly wasn’t at the point where his son needed to look out for him. His social issues weren’t Zach’s problem.

“I worry about you, Dad, and I don’t want you to be alone. You and me, we’re going to spend Christmas together.”

“No! Your mom will miss you, and you’ll have a traditional Christmas with them.” Luke couldn’t take that away from his son. Kelly would be pissed if Zach wasn’t there.

“Dad, this is what kids from broken homes
do
.” Zach put a little whine in his words, like a petulant teenager, to let Luke know he was joking, but Luke didn’t quite understand the joke.

“Your mother would kill me.”

“My mother would kill me if I let you drink yourself stupid again this year.”

Shock made Luke’s eyes widen. “How did you know?”

“Dad.” This time, there was no joke in Zach’s exasperated my-parents-are-stupid tone. “Adult, remember? I came over the next day, and it wasn’t hard to see the signs. I understand why you don’t want to go to Mom’s. I do. But kids alternate homes for the holidays with divorced parents all the time, and I don’t care if it’s not totally traditional. I don’t need that. I’m not a kid. We can have a great time, you and me.”