Authors: Jenny Schwartz
Afterwards he pulled on his jeans and she wore his shirt while they ate. Then they abandoned the food to shower together before collapsing onto his bed.
“I’m exhausted.” She was a body of satisfied jelly.
“In a good way?” He pulled the covers over them and shifted her into the curve of his body.
“In a brilliant way.” She cuddled his arm against her, enjoying the snuggling. She yawned, her eyes closed and she slept.
A delicious tension in her breasts woke her. She stretched and arched, the blurriness of sleep easing into recognition of Daniel’s touch. She opened her eyes and saw his intent face as his fingers shaped and tugged and teased her breasts.
The moonlight showed the tender line of his mouth.
She traced it with an idle finger and felt his smile.
He bent and his mouth replaced his hands. He licked one nipple, blew it gently as one might cool a coffee, then suckled its tension.
“Don’t stop.” Her breathing became ragged.
Her other breast received the same treatment.
She wove her fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp. He sucked hard, and she shook with reaction.
“So beautiful.” He kissed her mouth, her eyes, the tender skin of her throat, saluted her breasts again, and finally, entered her. She cried out as he tantalised them both, withdrawing only to thrust deeper. “I could lie with you forever, Caty. To see and feel your response to me.” He thrust in slowly, his expression fierce with passion.
“Daniel.” She caught his face, brought his mouth to hers and tasted the moment when his self-discipline broke and the primitive rhythm of loving controlled them both. She surrendered to it, gloried in it, but at the moment of completion, she heard his cry.
“Caty, I love you.”
Her heart froze.
He didn’t notice, but slid from her into sleep, vulnerable and unaware when she quietly left the bed.
Cate sat on the grass by the edge of the river. A pair of black swans glided majestically past, as silent as she. The river was glass-still, showing the swans’ reflection and the warming, golden light of dawn.
A sulphur-crested cockatoo screeched a comment, its yellow crest flaring, and was answered by its companionable, raucous mate. They took flight, just ahead of two runners whose sneakered feet hit the pavement in familiar unison.
Even the early morning exercise enthusiasts were out in pairs.
Cate hunched her knees under her chin, huddling more against an emotional coldness than against the cool dawn air. It hurt to breathe and her throat was tight with unshed tears.
Daniel would be angry she’d run.
Would he remember his confession of love?
In vino veritas
. But apparently truth lurked in sex as well as wine. Its pleasure and intimacy lowered your guards and surrendered you to the other person.
But perhaps all Daniel’s actions had shown his love? She just hadn’t wanted to see it.
From his respect for her virginity, to his stunning introduction to making love.
From his challenge to reconnect with her family, to his protection of her reputation with her family.
“I didn’t ask him to love me.”
The swans drifted out of her line of sight. She looked at the empty river. “I didn’t want commitment.” Only pleasure in today. She was too scared to reach for anything more.
She’d thought she could have an affair, indulge her physical attraction to Daniel, and retain her independence. Other people managed to have casual affairs, but perhaps they didn’t have passionate Sicilian blood in their veins? Maybe they were smarter at drawing limits and sticking to them.
She’d come home to Perth to save her brother from an arranged marriage, and stayed to help him to a true love wedding. So much for a flying visit.
But I have my family back.
Her reunion with her dad was a pure joy, and Olivia would keep Matt’s meddling tendencies under control.
Still, was that sufficient reason to impulsively surrender her job and her life in Sydney? If Daniel hadn’t challenged her, would she have dared to throw away the security of an everyday job to follow her dream of writing a second book?
With him, she forgot to be cautious, and now, the consequences of her openness haunted her. She’d agreed to hide their affair with the pretence of an engagement.
She’d been living a lie, pretending to be engaged, pretending to be in love.
And now he had said the words for real.
“Caty, I love you.”
Cried out when passion had driven him beyond his customary defences.
Four words, and her cocoon of desire and pleasure fell apart.
Daniel wasn’t playing games. He wanted a home and a shared future.
She couldn’t give them to him.
I love you
. The words made her feel trapped. They asked too much.
“Stay independent, stay safe.” She repeated her mantra of the last six years, then wiped her eyes and stood. In jeans and black jacket she felt solitary and remote. She’d braided her curling hair uncompromisingly back from her face and her mouth was compressed into a controlled line.
She turned her back on the river and headed for the city and a payphone. She’d let her phone charge rundown, an uncharacteristic forgetfulness, in her preoccupation with Daniel. With him she’d forgotten the fundamental rules of her life.
“Rob?” Phone against her ear, she turned her back to the early office workers striding past. “I haven’t seen much of you. I hoped we might have breakfast.”
He assented with a note of surprise in his voice and named a cafe, offering brief directions. “I’ll see you in twenty minutes.”
Cate replaced the phone, aware that Rob had picked up the tension in her voice. She strolled down to the cafe near her dad’s office, and waited by the florist shop on the corner for him.
“Cate, you should have gone in and had a coffee.” He greeted her with a brotherly kiss. “You look frozen.”
“Yeah, well.” She pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “I’ve been out walking.”
“Walking and thinking?” He held the door of the cafe open for her, his expression concerned as he studied her face.
“Something like that.”
The cafe was cheerfully busy with a white, blue and yellow colour scheme and pine tables and chairs. A middle-aged waitress took their order, greeting Rob by name and smiling when he introduced Cate.
Cate forced an answering smile. “Nice to meet you.” She fidgeted with a sugar packet as the waitress departed with their order.
“All right. What’s wrong?”
She hesitated, not sure what to tell him, not even sure why she had phoned him. Did she intend to tell him her engagement was a fake?
“You know, Dad’s been gloating that he always knew Daniel was the right man for you.”
“Has he?” The sugar packet crumpled. She dropped it onto the table.
“So, the problem is Daniel.” Rob leaned back in his chair.
“No…at least…” Her voice trailed off and she was grateful for the arrival of their breakfasts. “Thank you,” she said to the waitress.
“Sis.”
Reluctantly, she looked at him. Why had she thought phoning him would help?
“Being engaged isn’t easy. I know that. Amie and I nearly broke up. You realise how much your life will change and no matter how much you love the other person, you’re a bit afraid.”
“You were scared?”
Her brother smiled wryly. “Terrified. I was scared I was too dull for Amie, that she would stop loving me—that she’d never really loved me. I resented how she ran to Daniel to fix her world. She should look to me to do that or do it herself. I was scared neither Amie nor I were brave enough for marriage. We could and did hurt each other, lashing out at one another from our own fears and insecurities. Our love meant we had the weapons of knowledge and understanding to tear each other apart.”
Rob’s shoulders lifted as he took a deep breath. “Most of all I was scared Amie would die, like Mum. Her death destroyed Dad. I was scared to risk that hurt of Amie leaving me.”
“Oh, Rob.” She touched his hand in sympathy. Death scarred everyone. “But you’re still engaged, you’re getting married.”
“Yeah. Finally, I sat down and talked with Amie. You see, I realised that giving in to my fear meant living without her, and that was worse than any nightmare. You have to hold onto your courage and—”
“I don’t love Daniel. Our engagement is a fake. We’re just having an affair.” She said it defiantly and sat back, waiting for Rob’s questions and condemnations.
Instead, he shook his head and started eating his bacon and eggs. “You’re only kidding yourself.”
“What?” Where was his older brother outrage?
“If you didn’t have feelings for Daniel, you wouldn’t be this upset.”
“He said he loved me!”
“Told you so,” Rob mumbled.
“You don’t understand.” She gripped the edge of the table. “He can’t love me. He intended to change his life, that’s why he quit as CEO. He’s going to return to the geology work he trained for, and he’s going outback.”
She didn’t want him to change his plans. She wanted him to be free to follow his dreams. Having had her dreams stolen six years ago, she couldn’t and wouldn’t, steal his now.
But Rob didn’t understand. “Well, you went to Africa. Going outback should suit you fine.”
“Yes, but that’s not the point.” She struggled to make sense of her confused thoughts and emotions. It had all seemed so clear down at the river: she was protecting Daniel from his own vulnerability even as she protected herself. If he thought he was in love with her, he’d lose his chance to follow his own dreams.
But here was Rob pointing out that Daniel’s dreams could coincide with hers. Daniel had hinted the same: that she could research Australians’ different concepts of “home” by travelling outback with him.
She shuddered and surrendered the last of her defences to admit the truth. “I can’t love him, Rob.”
Her brother put down his knife and fork. “What you really mean is, you’re scared to admit that you’re head over heels.”
“I think I know my own mind.” Her gaze slid away from Rob’s as she uttered the defiance.
He shook his head. “But do you know your own heart?”
Cate strode along, head down, feet stomping the city pavement. She should never have confided in Rob. The conversation had only tangled her up further. She wanted life to be simple, painless. Instead she felt as if she were choking on emotion.
But she wasn’t in love. Her hands fisted. She couldn’t be.
If she’d had anywhere else to go, she wouldn’t have returned to Daniel’s penthouse. However, her dad would only ask questions, Rob was on Daniel’s side, and Amie was a romantic and Daniel’s sister. She had to retrieve her belongings, herself.
Cate walked into the lobby of the building, and realised she’d left her security entry card in the penthouse. “Hell.” She hesitated a full minute at the intercom switch before reluctantly pressing the button. She didn’t know if she hoped he was there, or not. “Daniel? It’s Cate. I left my card—”
“The door’s open.”
She shivered as she walked into the lift. She didn’t know what to say to him.
How did you refuse a man’s love and show him it was for the best?
Daniel propped his shoulders against the doorframe to the penthouse. He wore dark casual trousers and a raw silk shirt the colour of faded denim. The sleeves were rolled back, showing his powerful forearms, the golden hairs gleaming.
“Runaway Cate,” he said in a low, rough voice.
She eyed him warily, while her heart thudded and her mouth dried. “I needed to think.”
“About me daring to love you?” He straightened, unfolding his arms. “Love isn’t a crime, Cate. You didn’t have to run away.”
“It wasn’t in our deal.” She avoided meeting his eyes. His face could hide expression, but his blue eyes gave him away. In them she could read his pain. It echoed in her heart.
She didn’t love him, not in that give-up-the-world-for-him sense of romantic love, but she cared. As a compassionate person, his pain hurt her.
Liar
, whispered a voice.
A stranger’s pain doesn’t hurt like this.
A stranger’s pain didn’t hurt with every breath. It didn’t pull at your body or ambush your heart.
“Our deal.” He moved out of the doorway. “Come in, Cate. We need to talk.”
She walked past him, careful not to let her arm brush against him, but she inhaled the clean, male scent he exuded and her tummy quivered. In the living area, she turned to face him.
“Our deal was never casual on my part,” he said.
Her world flipped upside down.
“I could see you didn’t trust love, and after the way your dad tried to manipulate you—with my unwitting assistance—six years ago, I understand why. But I fell in love with you at the airport. So tired and cross, and beautiful. Defying me with every breath you took.
“Why do you think I brought you back to my apartment? I could have easily delivered you to a hotel, but I couldn’t let you go. I wanted you close. I wanted to see what sort of woman you’d grown into.
“And then you told me how I’d misjudged you six years ago, how I’d hurt you.” He took a deep breath. “God, Caty, I’m sorry. I didn’t know if you could ever forgive me, could ever see beyond my carelessness to the man I am, now.”
She felt compelled to interrupt. “You never meant to hurt me.”
“No. No, I didn’t. But you still don’t trust me, do you? That’s why you won’t accept that I love you, that you love me.”
She shook her head.
“You do, Cate.” He gripped her upper arms. “At first, I thought it was just physical awareness on your part, and I despised myself for using that. But not to respond to your attraction would have required a saint, not a human, fallible man. And I am a man.”
She was all too aware of that fact—and of the desperation in his voice as he continued.
“You’ve shared more than your body with me. You can try to retreat, but I know your dreams, your hurts, your fears and the joy that makes you tremble. I know that you love passionately and forever. Love me, Cate.”
“I can’t.” The words tore from her.
“Why not?” He spoke to her bent head. “I’ll never hurt you.”
“I wouldn’t let you.” Her head jerked up. Her eyes blazed. “I look after myself.”
He sighed. His grip on her gentled, sliding down her arms to her hands. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? You’re scared to rely on anyone else. You’re scared to make yourself vulnerable through love. I thought, when you forgave your dad…” He released her hands, took a step back. “That leap of faith, you must make yourself.”
The morning light lit the gold fairness of his hair and emphasised his size and strength. He could compel her response—physically, at least—but he wouldn’t. He asked for her free surrender.
“I can’t,” Cate choked and ran to her room.
She packed her bag haphazardly, wiping away a tear with the back of her hand.
Rob and Daniel didn’t understand. They had never had their hearts torn by someone trying to manipulate their love.
Love delivered your happiness into someone else’s hands.
“I’m safer alone.” Safer, colder. Her satin robe slid through her hands and she picked it up from the floor and threw it onto a chair. She wouldn’t take it with her. Already she carried too many memories.
She zipped the backpack closed. In the silent room, she heard the ragged sound of her breathing. She had to get out before she broke.
Daniel waited in the living area. The lines on his face deepened when he saw the backpack. “Where will you go?”
“A hotel.” Anywhere to escape the pain in her heart when she looked at him.
“I’ll drive you.”
She shook her head. “Please, don’t.” She took the engagement ring off her finger and stared at it a moment. Then she held it out to him.
His jaw thrust forward, firming against emotion. “I meant it to be forever. Keep the ring, Cate.”
Her lip trembled and she bit it. She didn’t notice the pain. “Daniel—”
“You have my heart, too, but you don’t want it.”
She shuddered. “I have to go.”
He reached for her backpack, but she swung away.
“I’ll manage.”
His fists clenched.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. It seemed even her self-protective defence of independence, he took as rejection. The stiff line of her shoulders crumpled and she walked out without another word.
Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry.
She sniffed, then held her eyes wide open, denying her tears. “Hurry up.” She tapped the lift button repeatedly, agonisingly aware that she hadn’t heard the penthouse door close behind her.
What if he were watching?
She wanted to turn around, to look at him. But that was madness. If she was making this break, she had to make it clean.
Clean?
A weeping voice inside her, sobbed.
This hurt won’t heal. You’ll miss him, forever.
The lift doors finally opened and as she stepped in and faced forward, she saw him watching from the penthouse doorway.
Their eyes locked and held until the lift doors shut between them.
“Oh God.” She tilted her head up, trying to force back a hot tear. Her hand curled tight around his ring, and it cut into her soft palm.
The physical pain reminded her of what she held. Her fingers uncurled, and she studied the flawless stone and its simple, elegant setting.
I meant it to be forever.
His words echoed.
I love you.
The lift doors opened to the lobby, but she couldn’t move. She stared at the ring. It was a symbol of so much: of hope, promises, commitment, trust…love.
Daniel had made the leap of faith. He trusted her with his heart.
The lift doors shut, but the lift remained stationary with Cate locked inside.
She rubbed her thumb over the diamond. She ignored the tears running down her face.
Daniel had trusted her with his strength and his vulnerability. He’d proclaimed to the world that they belonged together. He hadn’t been sure she would, or could, love him back, but he’d committed himself anyway.
“He’s braver than me.”
Or more realistic?
What joy would there be in a life without him? The truest happiness was here, waiting for her, if only she had the courage to claim it.
Her hand shifted and the diamond caught the light. The bright sparkle dared her.
Cate’s breath came short and shallow.
What are you losing by loving? Daniel gives you more, makes you more, than you could ever be by yourself.”
“Oh no.” She hit the penthouse lift button. “What have I done?”
Love didn’t rob you of individuality and independence, but made you stronger and more truly yourself. Love gave life sparkle.
She’d let cowardice ruin everything.
Rob had tried to warn her.
Cate dropped her backpack and hammered on the door to the penthouse. “Daniel!”
He opened the door.
“I’m an idiot, but you have to forgive me.”
“Cate?”
“I love you.”
“Oh Caty.” He gathered her into a rib-bruising hug.
She clung tight, not caring that she cried.
Their kiss tasted of tears and desperation.
“Wait.” She wriggled a little space between them.
A painful wariness entered his eyes, and she cried out against it.
“It’s okay.” She rubbed her free hand against his chest. “But I need a tissue, and then, I want you to put our engagement ring on my finger, for real…for forever…this time.”
She dropped the ring into the palm of his hand, then blew her nose. “Not romantic,” she muttered.
“But real.” He passed her a second tissue and waited as she dried her eyes. “If you only know how glad I am to be trusted with your emotions.” He rubbed her back, his own eyes bright with tears.
“I trust you with my heart. It might have taken me a while to realise it, but I know now that loving you gives me more than six years of cold independence ever did.” She dropped the tissues in a bin. “Cowardice can grow to be a habit. Thank you for being patient.”
“I’m not feeling patient now.” He took her hand. “I love you, my brave Caty. Caterina Trapani, will you marry me?”
“Yes.” She sniffed. “Oh no, I’m going to cry again.”
“No, you’re not.” He slid the ring on her finger and kissed her.
His kiss gave and demanded freely, and she fell into it. This time it was hearts as well as bodies meeting.
Cate trembled. Emotion poured through her like a tidal wave. She wanted to show Daniel her total commitment and complete trust. She twined her fingers with his. “Come to bed.”
They undressed slowly, learning one another’s bodies anew. Eyes, hands, mouths, traced lines of delight.
She lay back on the bed, naked and as vulnerable as a woman could be. She smiled up at him. “I want you. I love you.”
He kissed the words from her lips. “How much do you want me? How much do you love me?”
She wrapped her arms around him. “More than I want to breathe.”
“Breathing…is over-rated.” He slid slowly into her. “I love you.”
“Forever and ever.”
They moved in unison to a shared climax, a union beyond words, and Daniel kissed away the tears of joy that leaked from her eyes.
“I can’t believe I nearly walked away from this,” she murmured later. “I was so scared of love.”
“Me, too.”
“What?” She sat up to look at him.
“Hmm.” He circled her breast with one hand. “Love shakes our certainties. I thought I could control my life—my business, my family. I’ve worked hard, Cate, but I’ve achieved everything I wanted. When I fell in love with you, suddenly there were no guarantees of success. I could only hope and love you, and trust that the feeling between us was too strong to be denied.”
He bent his head and kissed her. “When will you marry me?”
“Soon.” She looked into his blue eyes and the love blazing there. “As soon as possible.”
“A church wedding?”
“Mmm. But quiet. Just family.”
“I’ll arrange it.”
“We’ll arrange it,” she corrected.
“Together.” He kissed her, again, lingering. “Partners?”
“Partners.” And she pushed him onto his back. “Equal partners.”
“I like equality,” he said earnestly, laughter indenting the hint of a dimple in his right cheek.
“So do I.” She moved against him in a full body caress.
He groaned
She smiled. “I have a question to ask.”
“Ask,” he growled.
She took teasing bites along his throat line. “About the house you showed me.” She broke off to nip at his lower lip, then lick and suck it. “Did you mean it to be for us?”
“I thought you’d like it.” He kissed her as she wriggled over him. “Do you?” His hand found her warm and slick.
“Ye-es.” She felt his smile against her lips. She knew now that he took pleasure in her pleasure.