Randal Telk and the 396 Steps to Sexual Bliss (14 page)

Major Telk gave Yolanda a statement form.
“
Be sure to put your cell phone number at the top,
”
advised Telk.
“
I may need to contact you for followup tonight.
”

“
I may need to contact you too,
”
added Bongwater, writing down Yolanda
’
s number on a
cardboard
coaster.

“
We
’
re going out to the site,
”
announced Major Telk, coming to a decision.
Yolanda would have to wait.

The Chief of Police was waiting for them when they arrived.
“
Actually, there were two alien spaceships,
”
advised the
police chief, so far their
most credible witness.
“
I rushed out here to investigate the first reports of glowing lights at the mine.
Nine aliens stood on the bumpers of their ships and pissed on the ground with their teeny weenies.
It was like they were marking their territory.
It gave me the chills.
Then they tossed their beer cans, got inside their ships, and blasted off.
I think they were drunk because the two UFOs clanked sides when they took off.
I
’
d have arrested them for drunk driving, but
I didn’t have the proper vehicle to pursue. T
hey got away.
”

Major Telk bagged a sample from the green puddle marks in the snow.
The Geiger counter reading was off the scale.
He also collected nine cans of Outlaw Beer, hoping to get prints and DNA.
Also collected were metal filings, paint transfer, and a glow
-
in
-
the
-
dark UFO license place that tore off in the collision.
Nothing conclusive, but the evidence was beginning to add up.
This time
four
and
five
just might equal
two
and
eight
.

“
I
’
ve seen this all before,
”
Major Telk announced to the growing crowd of lookiloos.
“
All anyone saw last night was marsh gas.
It happens all the time in these little bergs.
You mix marsh gas with beer, and UFOs start dropping from the skies.
”

“
Sounds good to me,
”
agreed the Police Chief.
“
You heard the man, there
’
s nothing to see here.
Everyone go home!
”

Chapter 14

As Private Telk rode in the back of the armored car, he felt more and more helpless to control events swirling about his life.
Privates follow
ed
orders
and
d
id
their duty or die
d
.
Maybe joining the Legion was a mistake.
For the first time Telk gave civilian life serious consideration.
Wouldn
’
t it be better just being a regular person, doing a regular job?
Nothing anyone does really makes a difference anyway.
Every life comes with a death sentence, so why not just live for yourself for the short time you have?

The Legion
ATM recruiter stated some people wonder
ed
their whole lives if they w
ould
ever make a difference, but that legionnaires d
id
not have that problem.
The Legion
wa
s the thin khaki line in the sand protecting humanity from the alien hordes.
Humanity
wa
s alone i
n
a galaxy of bugs.
I get it
, thought Telk,
but what difference can one person make in God
’
s grand scheme of things?
Unless you
a
re Superman, with super hero powers, what c
an
one person do
?
I can
’
t save Elena by myself.
Maybe no one can.
Maybe her death sentence draws near.
His fear and uncertainty triggered another flight of fancy...

* * * * *

Civilian dweeb Randy Telk was a lab tech at a Proctor & Gamble research facility when he was contaminated by a biological accident, infected with a mutant strain of alien virus.
Randy should have died that day
,
along with everyone else at the diaper factory, but his DNA mutated.
On the surface, Randy appeared normal, but he had undergone a profound change at the cellular level.
Whenever excited, or even annoyed, Randy became
The Incredible Telk!
He turned green, changed to a giant twelve feet tall
, all
solid bulging muscles, and kicked some serious ass in an uncontrollable rage.

Randy had to quit Proctor & Gamble because the place annoyed him too much.
Also, a twelve
-
foot
-
tall naked out
-
of
-
control giant beating pencil-neck supervisors to a pulp violated the company
’
s violence
-
in
-
the
-
workplace policies and OSHA standards.
Randy had to go.

Fortunately, the federal government stepped in, placing Randy in the Federal Witness Protection Program and giving him a job as a Medicare claims adjuster.
Randy
’
s newfound powers had potentially significant Department of Defense applications, but scientists had yet to duplicate the virus, or the process of Randy
’
s DNA change.
The plan was to hide Randy in plain sight, at a mundane job, until the scientists could figure it out.

Randy did not like the changes in his life and resented the government controlling his every move, but grudgingly accepted his plight in life.
Randy plodded along at his job like everyone else in the world ha
d
to, except occasionally he turned into an out
-
of
-
control raging green giant when someone on the phone asked a stupid questions like,
“
Are lottery tickets covered by Medicare, does Medicaid cover prune juice, what about my gold tooth cap I had to pawn because my welfare check was late again?
”

Randy was transferred to a work
-
from
-
home program because stupid questions caused him to bulk up and crash through cubicles and brick walls.
The transfer increased Randy
’
s sense of isolation.
He was lonely and unappreciated.
Randy resented the surveillance cameras the FBI insisted be installed in every room of his home.

Randy
’
s life become a prison, and it grated on him.
Randy was determined to change his life for the better.
But how?
Run away?
What would he do for money?
Crime?
Randy was not a criminal, although his super strength could help him rob banks and evade the police.

Randy contemplated his fate as he studied an ATM.
There was a lot of cash in those ATMs.
It would be nothing for Randy to rip that ATM off its foundation and open it up like a tuna can.
All that cash.
For the first time
,
Randy felt in control.
He got excited about the prospect of freedom.
All that cash.
Suddenly, Randy turned into
The Incredible Telk!
He stood magnificently naked in front of the ATM, smiling for the security video.

“
Holy shit, Batman!
”
exclaimed the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion recruitment ATM.
“
What the fuck
are
you?
”

“
I need money!
”
raged
The Incredible
Telk
!

“
You came to the right place, sir.
I am the last ATM you will ever need.
The Legion will give you a new life.
”

*
* * * *

Private Telk woke as the armored car came to an abrupt stop.
He sighed at his prospects.

“
Secure a perimeter!
”
ordered Sergeant Williams
. L
egionnaires automatically dispersed from the back of the armored car, taking cover.

They were searching spider homes again along the DMZ.
It was dangerous work Private Telk did not relish doing.
Legionnaires worked as a team, entering the first house.
They were a family, depending on each other, like any other family.
Except with this family, you made an immediate difference if you let your mate down, or if you were not alert.
Private Telk was determined not to let his family down because the Legion was the only family he had.

Later,
Private Telk braced for the coming dust storm.
Such storms were common in the New Gobi Desert.
No one
can fight a dust storm
. All anyone can do is
just go with the flow, accepting that sand gets everywhere.
It
’
s a fact of life that no orifice is safe.
In the desert
,
a storm can last a few minutes, or a few days.
The same
was true
for survival.
Stay sheltered, and you might live.
G
o out for
even
a brief piss, and they will find your parched bones in the dunes.
Private Telk shuddered and hunkered down to weather the storm. He could do nothing but wait, and the waiting gave way to more fantasizing...

* * * * *

Sheik Rand
u
l Abdul
lah
Telk
ashi
was one with the desert.
Telk
ashi
rode his camel Hargundu like the wind.
However, lately Hargundu was becoming a bit high
-
maintenance, sneaking into the royal tent at night
,
stinking up the place.
Sheik
Telk
ashi
swore to replace Hargundu with an SUV as soon as the oil royalties started pouring in.
Hargundu had pissed in the tent for the last time!
Camel testicle stew was already on the menu for next week.
Sheik
Telk
ashi
affectionately patted the unsuspecting Hargundu on the snout.
“
Good camel.
I love you
,
Hargundu, wise old mangy camel of the desert.
May the fleas of a thousand sheep nest up your ass.
”

Unknown to Sheik
Telk
ashi
, Hargundu was perfectly fluent in Arabic, and vowed to wet the tent again tonight.
Hargundu nuzzled affectionately against Sheik
Telk
ashi
’
s shoulder, then spit on the back of
Telk
ashi
’
s
k
effiyah
h
ead
d
ress.
Telk
ashi noticed and groused, “
Damn Camel!
”

There was commotion on the far side of camp, announcing the arrival of the infidel Russian arms dealer Boris.
Now Sheik
Telk
ashi
could deal with those Israeli bastards on even terms!
Telk
ashi
shook his fist at the Zionist bunkers across the border.

“
Ran
dul, old buddy, old pal, old friend of mine!
”
exclaimed Boris, giving
Telk
ashi
the traditional Russian bear hug.
“
Have I got a deal for you.
I have RPGs, land mines, AK-47s,
vodka, and American porn.
Everything you need to defeat the Jews!
”