Rare (27 page)

I shook my head. “No, I’d take that a hundred times over this. Pete, I can’t lose you.”

He made an abrupt grab for my hand. The strength in his grip surprised me. It had been a long time since he’d touched me with any real sense of purpose. “Ash, it’s going to be okay. I know I’ve made this harder than it ever needed to be by running away from it, but I’m done hiding. Maggie gave me something today. I don’t know where the hell she got it, though I’ve got a pretty good idea.”

“What was it?”

“A photo album. It started off with old pictures of my dad and stuff—” He took a deep breath. “I haven’t looked at a picture of him since he died. Can you believe that?”

I could, actually. Everything that had happened over the past few weeks confused the hell out of me, but there was no doubt that he had some seriously unresolved issues when it came to his family. “What came next?”

Pete let out a brief laugh that made him wince. “You. Loads of fucking pictures of you and me. It took me right from Thanksgiving three years ago to when I was in the hospital. Maggie told me to look at what I saw and listen carefully to what my heart told me. You know how she likes to spout that spiritual crap at me?” He rolled his eyes, but his expression was earnest. “I tried, and I thought about it so hard I was sure my head would explode. I miss you, Ash. I don’t know what my life’s supposed to be like, but I know I don’t want to live it without you.”

He raised his hands like it was a done deal, but I was still confused. “How did Maggie get pictures of you in the hospital?”

“Not me, fucker
. Us
, and for that, I think you need to look closer to home. Who carries a camera instead of a purse?”

“Danni.”

It wasn’t a question. I had a vague memory of a tiny silver camera hanging from her neck in the hospital. I’d never noticed her using it, though.

“I think she gave the camera to Maggie, and they put the album together between them from Maggie’s old boxes,” Pete said, reading my mind. “Do you want to see? Turns out my mom takes a mean snapshot.”

“You brought it with you?”

“Hell, yeah. It was like an electric shock to my brain. I can’t stop looking at it.”

He reached for his discarded jeans, pooled damply on the floor. I bent to help him, shooed him upright, and retrieved a thick, postcard-sized book from his back pocket.

Pete took it, flipping past the photos of his father and straight to the images of us in the hospital. I stared at them, shocked. I hadn’t noticed a thing. Though, that was sort of understandable as I seemed to be asleep in almost each one. In fact, we both did. I took the book from Pete and turned the pages until I came to an image of Pete sleeping with his body curved around my head, which rested on the edge of his bed. Our hands were tightly clasped, and from some angles it was hard to tell where he ended and I began.

It was strange to see. In the hospital and every day since he’d come home, I’d never felt so far away from him.

Pete nudged me, smiling again. “See?” he said. “Can’t argue with that, can you?”

“I guess not.”

I meant to say so much more, but the giddy feeling that came with the realization that he really still loved me stole my words. Instead I returned the viselike grip he had on my hand and suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. “Will you stay? Tonight, I mean. I don’t want you to go.”

Pete shook his head, and my heart fell. Was he really going to leave me again so soon?

“Ash, look at me.” He put two fingers under my chin and drew my eyes up from the floor. “I’m not going anywhere. I told you. I’m done hiding from this. I love you, and there’s nowhere else I want to be. I was going to talk to you tonight anyway—apologize, grovel, beg, whatever. Then you didn’t show and I freaked. I’m sorry I barged in here and yelled in your face, and I know there’s a hell of a lot more to say—”

“Pete?”

“What?”

“Kiss me.”

H
E
DID
kiss me. He kissed me until he fell asleep in my arms, which turned out to be about ten seconds later.

It took me a lot longer to find rest. Having him back in our bed, back in his customary place with his head on my chest, was amazing, but I couldn’t help worrying it was too good to be true. He’d gone to sleep with a smile on his face. Pondering what mood he’d wake up in kept me up until dawn broke.

It was late when I woke up. Pete was still asleep with his arm clamped around my stomach. I shifted to get some air, and his morning wood dug into my hip. The sensation made my heart beat faster, and for a moment, I was thankful he was still asleep. I hadn’t had a sexual thought in weeks—at least not any good ones—and the stirring in my belly was slightly disturbing.

I stared at the ceiling, absorbing the warmth from his body. Stretched out on his good side still bundled up in his hoodie, he looked content and relaxed. It was nice to see, and I wanted to make the most of it. He’d said he was back for good the previous night. I didn’t want to indulge the pessimistic monster that lived in my brain, but there was no telling if he’d feel the same when he woke up. I closed my eyes in the peaceful quiet, ignoring the nerves fluttering in my belly. Before too long, I felt the scruff on Pete’s jaw against the bare skin of my chest and I knew he was waking up.

In the old days—in that faraway world we’d lived in before the accident—I’d always been amazed by the way he could go from being dead asleep to fully functioning in a matter of seconds. These days, it took him a few attempts to force his eyes open.

He raised his head and glanced around the room. My heart sank when I saw him frown. I tensed, ready to move away if he needed space. My heart flipped again when I realized he was smiling.

“I thought you were joking when you said the bedsheets were black.”

I eyed him warily. “They were black when you got out of the hospital.”

“I know; that’s what I meant.”

Oh.

Nonplussed, I looked away. Pete tapped my temple with his fingertips. “Where’s your head at, fucker?”

I looked down at him again. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“Guess our roles have switched a bit, huh?”

I nodded, but Pete sighed.

“I don’t like it.”

“You don’t like being taken care of.”

His silence spoke volumes. The scowl on his face said even more. “It’s not that,” he said after a protracted pause. “I’m worried about you, Ash. I don’t want all this crap to mess you up. You’ve been doing so well.”

“Pete, I’m okay.” And it was true. None of this was easy, and I felt like we’d been to hell and back, but if this had happened a year ago, there was no doubt I’d have fallen apart. I was different now, stronger, maybe. Who knew?

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Pete said, as much to himself as to me.

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know, really. I think I woke up in the hospital looking for the screwed-up kid I met three years ago, like I was missing the bit in between. I wasn’t expecting the fuck-awesome man you’ve turned into.”

There was a compliment hidden in there somewhere, but his genuine confusion marred any pride I found in his words. “It doesn’t matter now. You got there in the end.”

“Did I? Ash, I don’t know myself too well right now, and for a minute there, I was worried I didn’t know you either.”

“Yeah, well. It only took you a week to figure it out. You’re a better man than me.”

“The hell I am.”

His glare was fierce, but fleeting. I sat up, supporting him as he pushed himself upright. I considered helping him as he wrestled his way out of his hoodie, but thought better of it.

He dropped it over the side of the bed and lay back down, mashing his face into my chest. “Man, it feels good to lie here with you. I can’t believe I walked out on this.”

“So, why did you?”

My question was cautious. He’d told me how unsettled he’d felt when he’d come home from the hospital. I understood that… probably more than I wanted to, but I still didn’t get why the confrontation with Heidi had driven him to leave. Her appearance had been a bolt from the blue—for me, at least. I couldn’t see how the two incidents were connected.

Pete thought for a moment before he shrugged. “I don’t know. One minute I was ready to throttle my sister, then the next thing I knew, I was staring at Maggie’s ceiling. The bits in between are a bit of a blur.”

I fiddled with his hair. It was longer than usual and it felt different, softer. “So you didn’t want to leave?”

“Hell, no.” Pete jerked his head up to look at me. “I didn’t, Ash, I promise. I just felt like the past had collided with a present I didn’t understand. It was weird, really fucking weird, and the only way I could deal with it was by being a prick.”

I was silent as I mulled it over. His bewildered state of mind probably wouldn’t make any sense to anyone else, but it did to me. The difference between us was that it had taken Pete only a matter of days to stop running. Me? I’d been hiding from shit my whole life.

Something bothered me, though, something I couldn’t shake. It had been on my mind more than anything else since the day Pete walked out on me. “What about Liam? Why didn’t you tell me about him?”

Pete sighed. “I don’t know. I guess it was something I tried not to think about. Family was everything to my dad, and when he died, it took less than a week before it all went wrong. I was the link between all of us. I felt like it was my responsibility to keep us together, and when it didn’t happen, I felt like I’d failed him.”

I tightened my hold on him, squeezing him as tight as I dared and dropping a kiss on the top of his head. “You were fourteen. You shouldn’t have been responsible for anything.”

He chuckled, but it was dry and humorless. We both knew nothing about his adolescence and life since couldn’t be further from that.

“For what it’s worth, I always meant to tell you. Then another birthday or Christmas would go by and something else would happen to distract me. I never set out to keep it from you, it just kinda happened that way.”

Most people probably would have pushed him more, demanded more, but it was enough for me. He hadn’t lied to me; he just hadn’t told me something that turned out to be really fucking important. I wasn’t exactly in a position to complain about that. “When did you last see him?”

“Liam? I haven’t seen him since he was a baby. Maggie and I met Heidi in a motel in Michigan not long after he was born. She’d left the douche bag she was with at the time, and she needed money. She took every cent we had and disappeared overnight.”

I filed the information away for future reference. There was more, I knew there was more, but Pete’s eyes were weary. I could see he’d had enough of the heavy stuff. “Liam likes you.”

“He seemed to like you better. The kid’s got brains, I’ll give him that.”

I laughed, but Pete’s face remained serious. I traced the deep frown on his forehead. “What is it?”

He sat up, propping himself up on one elbow. “Don’t give me a free pass on this, Ash. I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t forgive me.”

Forgive him? Was he kidding me? With his body pressed against me the way it was in that moment, I’d forgive him anything. “Pete?”

“What?”

“Shut up.”

I
UNDRESSED
him with shaking hands, shaking hands he chose to ignore, keeping his gaze firmly on mine. I traced the scar on his abdomen. It had changed since I saw it last, and it looked nothing like it had six weeks ago, when it had been a savage wound in a sea of brutal bruising. “Does it still hurt?”

“Nah.” He shivered. I raised an eyebrow. “Really,” he said. “It just feels weird now.”

“What about underneath?”

“Not really.”

“Not really?”

“Okay, not often. You worry like an old woman.”

He’d been saying that to me since the day we met, and it never failed to make me smile.

I rolled him onto his back, hiding my grin, and lay down beside him so I could put my chin on his chest, but with his eyes warm and teasing, I couldn’t stay still for long. I stretched up and brushed a kiss over his lips. It was soft and sweet, but he responded fiercely, seizing my face and drawing me up and over him.

His kiss was hot and rough, reminiscent of the first kiss we’d ever shared, a kiss that went on so long I felt like it would never end. We used to spend hours lost in each other like that, like there was nothing in the world but us.

Pete pulled away, breathing hard. His grin was a mile wide and his low, rumbling chuckle was soothing to my thumping heart.

“Wow,” he said huskily. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t forget about
this
.” He rocked his hips and his cock rubbed mine hard enough to make my eyes flutter. “I was starting to worry about my dick, though. I thought it had given up on me.”

“Is that why you really came back?”

“Yes.” His tone was serious but his eyes betrayed his humor.

I laughed too, and the misgivings I’d had felt a million miles away. I was… relieved. I turned the word over in my head. It wasn’t the right one, but it would do for now. The life we had together was so much more than the intense, complex physicality we shared, but as the familiar heat began to build between us, it felt like the final pieces of a shattered puzzle were beginning to fall into place.

Pete stayed comfortably on his back while I tentatively reacquainted myself with his body. He’d lost weight, but his torso was still hard and unyielding until my lips found the weak spots I knew so well. His muscles jumped as I teased him and he wove his fingers into my hair. His gravelly moans made my body burn with a deep and primal need for him, but I ignored it until his cock hit my chin.

I took him in hand, working him slowly as I considered my options. He watched me, his head tilted to one side, like he almost had the answer to a puzzle of his own. He bit down on his lip, breathing heavily, but there was something in his face: an uncertainty. His eyes widened when I reached for the condoms, and I knew why. I knew the apprehension in his eyes, the fear. I knew it well because for a long time, it had been my constant companion.