Rare (29 page)

His sudden lack of reticence surprised me, but he’d never spoken truer words. I’d nearly given up on myself, on us, on everything so many times. Pete’s strength and unwavering faith in his love for me had always been my anchor. “You’re right.”

His gaze flickered to me. “I know I’m right, but not for the reasons you think. You think I’m talking about me, but I’m not. You’re the strong one, Ash. I’m just the fucking passenger.”

“Huh?”

Pete sighed. “Don’t you get it? It was your strength that brought us together in the first place. You should have rolled over and died in Texas, and in Philly, but you didn’t. You picked your ass up, came to Chicago, and found me. You were a mess, I know that, but I needed you as much as you needed me. That hasn’t changed, Ash.”

I didn’t buy it. Pete got angry and his gaze turned heated. “There’s no other way to fix this. You have to keep loving me, and you have to trust yourself to do that. There isn’t anything else, Ash. Just you and me.”

“That’s all I want.”

There was a protracted pause before Pete grinned. “Good, because I want you too, and whatever future we can fuck up together. I know I haven’t shown you enough recently, but I’m in this all the way, for as long as you’ll have me.”

“What if I want you for a long time?”

“I’ve been counting on that since just about forever ago.”

Dr. Gilbert silently observed the bizarrely candid exchange. It was probably the most she’d ever heard Pete speak. She seemed to bring out the counterpoints in our personalities. To her, I was the open book, and he the mystery. Weird.

“Ash, you seem confused,” she said. “Nothing is obvious, is it? And it probably never will be, especially for you. You have to accept that the memories you have of being held down and raped in your bed might not be yours, and that your nightmares stem from something you witnessed, rather than experienced yourself. In the same vein, you have to decide whether the distinction is important. Some might argue it is, but there is a good case to be made for the other side. There’s every chance the consequences would have been the same for you either way.”

I glanced at Pete. It was rare that things were spelled out for him so brutally. Dr. Gilbert did it all the time to me, but he wasn’t used to it. The gray tinge to his warm complexion told me it hadn’t got any easier for him. I pulled my gaze away from him and focused on Dr. Gilbert. Our time was nearly up. Soon, this would all be over—for now, at least. I was under no illusions that I would ever be free of it.

“So, you’re saying I have to choose?”

“That’s up to you, Ash. You can’t change the past. What did or didn’t happen is set in stone. Your choices are about today and tomorrow, your present and your future. You have the tools now to deal with the repercussions of your childhood, and you have the same strength you’ve always had. What happens from this day forward is up to you.”

W
E
LEFT
Dr. Gilbert’s office in Lincoln Park and made for the L to head back north. Pete probably should’ve gone home, but I had to stop by Ted’s shop in Andersonville, and being the stubborn asshole he was, he decided to come with me.

I’d never been to the studio Ted owned in the gay heart of Chicago. It was the closest shop to our Edgewater apartment, but I’d never had need to go there. Now, with most of my drawings going to other artists, it made sense to deliver to the shop closest to home.

The Andersonville studio had a different vibe from Ted’s other shops. It was his newest, biggest venture, and it had a colorful lightness I liked. Lincoln Park was edgy and dark, and Lakeview, where I’d been working recently, was pretty mainstream. I liked the people, but I’d be lying if I said the work they churned out didn’t bore the ass off me. The Andersonville shop seemed eclectic and quirky, with just the right amount of fun.

I left Pete staring at some grotesque-looking jewelry in the piercing studio and sought out the guy managing the ink catalogues. I’d met Justin a few times in the other shops. Like everyone else in the Andersonville shop, he was gay—out and proud.

He let out a low whistle as he flipped through the stack of designs. “This stuff is awesome. It’s so different from anything else we have. I’ve got some clients who’ll really dig some of this. Ted said you’re busy right now, but let me know if you ever want to come in and ink some of this yourself. We’ve always got space for you here.”

I declined his offer. The stuff I’d given him wasn’t anything special. The sketches were doodles for clients who didn’t have a set idea of their own. I did miss tattooing, but not enough to leave Pete while he still needed me at home. My own recovery would probably never end, but his was just beginning.

It had been a month since he’d come home from his brief stay on Maggie’s couch. His mental state had improved, but his battered body was still a source of frustration for him. Some days, it was all he could do to get out of bed. But, get out of bed he did, and Pete being Pete, he did what he’d done his whole life and faced his shit head-on. He took the meds he didn’t want to take, ate when he wasn’t hungry, and, perhaps most important of all, he talked when he really didn’t want to talk. Some days were hard,
really
hard, but there wasn’t anywhere else I’d rather be.

Besides, working in the Andersonville shop, even temporarily, added weight to a horrible idea Ted wouldn’t let go of. He’d been after me to work in Andersonville for a long time, but he didn’t just want me to tattoo there; he wanted me to run the whole shop. Accounts, wages, responsibility. Nah, screw that. It wasn’t me.

I escaped Justin and searched out Pete. He wasn’t where I’d left him. I tracked him down, cornered by a flamboyant kid with pink hair. He reminded me of the beautiful boys with angel wings in the gay club we went to all those months ago. They’d all swarmed to Pete too, much to his chagrin. It seemed it wasn’t just me that found him irresistible.

Pete made a grab for me as soon as I was close enough. “There you are,” he said meaningfully. “Are you done?”

I eyed the strange hand on his arm, torn between amusement and the urge to rip it off and use it to beat the kid it belonged to. The discomfort in Pete’s eyes meant amusement won out. “Yeah, I’m done. Justin has my designs. He’s going to stop by the apartment in a few weeks to pick up some more.”

The kid let out an abrupt huff of air. “Oh, damn it. Are you Ash?” Bemused, I nodded and watched him drop Pete’s arm in disgust. “Fuck, that’s so unfair. I heard your boyfriend was as hot as you. I had to see it to believe it.”

And with that, the kid was gone, flouncing away into the depths of the piercing studio. Beside me, Justin chuckled. I hadn’t noticed him following me out from the back of the shop. “Dude, your reputation precedes you. Even the gay chicks think you’re hot.”

The conversation made me squirm. I cut Justin dead, bid him good-bye, and all but dragged Pete out of the shop, much to his barely concealed laughter. He was still laughing as we decided to forgo the L and walk home. An unwise decision, perhaps, given his current level of fitness, but when he began to lean on me, it was easy enough to steer him to a bench overlooking the park in the sun.

I put my arm around him as he rested his head on my shoulder. It felt strange to be openly affectionate with him in public, but if we couldn’t do it in Andersonville, we couldn’t do it anywhere. Pete was quiet for a while, regaining his sense of equilibrium. I thought he’d dozed off until he raised his head and turned his curious gaze on me.

“I like that shop. Why don’t you work there?”

I raised an eyebrow. He’d made his feelings on me working in the Andersonville shop perfectly clear. “I thought you didn’t want me to work there.”

“When did I say that?”

Though it bothered me to see him confused by something I could remember with perfect clarity, I couldn’t help the bubble of laughter. “Well, you never actually said the words, but you didn’t need to.”

He mulled it over for a moment. “Nah, that was me being a caveman. You should work there if you want to. It’s a nice place. Just don’t run off with a beauty queen.”

“
That’s
what you were worried about?”

“I guess so.”

“Idiot.” I laughed harder. Pete feigned annoyance until he really did put his head down to take a nap.

I watched over him while he slept. I’d never seen him sleep outside before. I did it all the time, up on the roof, or on the bench outside the shop in Lakeview. Even in Lincoln Park I used to spend my lunch break snoozing on the back step. It was habit for me, but not for him.

My mind wandered as I stared at his peaceful form. I felt lucky as the warmth from his body seeped into me. He’d chosen the right words in Dr. Gilbert’s office. I closed my eyes, content in the knowledge that our relationship
was
built on faith—a faith rare enough to call just ours.

A cold, wet sensation disturbed my daydreams. I opened my eyes to find a solemn face staring back at me, and it took me a moment to place Danni’s old greyhound, George. I petted him, scanning the communal park for her. I didn’t have to look far. She dropped down on the bench beside me a moment later.

“Aw, you two look so sweet from a distance.”

Pete raised his head from his lazy doze, disturbed by George’s lumbering paw on his knee. “We don’t look sweet now?”

Danni scratched the stubble on his chin. “Hate to break it to you, but you’re too old to be cute, buster.”

I looked on as Pete shrugged and took her hand. In the beginning, I’d been jealous of the easy dynamic they’d forged overnight. It had faltered when he’d been hurt, like his relationships with just about everyone, but it was better than ever now. The difference was me. These days, I got a real kick out of seeing them together, like it somehow made my world complete.

Danni stayed awhile until she left us to visit Maggie. It seemed in the weeks that Pete and I had been busy with each other, the two women had become firm friends. Their shared love of music and cooking had bonded them, and together they made a formidable team. Pete’s words when they’d first ganged up on him still made me smile: “We’re so fucked if they stay friends.”

I didn’t think so. I could think of worse things.

After Danni left, we sat contentedly for a while, until I remembered the envelope Justin had given me. Ted had left him my GED results, and they’d been burning a hole in my pocket since we left the shop. I pulled them out of my pocket. Pete raised an eyebrow. Oops. I’d forgotten I’d never told him I’d taken the test.

I held out the envelope to him. He took it, turning it over in his hands. “What’s this?”

“GED results. Can you open them for me? I don’t want to see them if they’re as crappy as I think they are.”

“When did you take the test?”

I tilted my face to the sun and closed my eyes. “When you were staying with Maggie.”

There was a beat of silence before I heard the slow rip of the envelope. The sound of rustling paper stopped, and for the longest moment, he still didn’t speak.

Then he began to shake and I opened my eyes to find him laughing his ass off. His amusement pissed me off. I glared at him, resisting the urge to punch him, and made a grab for the letter. “It’s not funny, asshole. I forgot all about it until the day before. I never even got the books to study from, let alone read them.”

Pete laughed harder as he held the letter out of my reach and began to read it aloud. I frowned as he rattled off a bunch of numbers. They didn’t make any sense to me.

“What does that mean? Did I fail all of it?”

He stopped laughing and gave me a look. “Are you kidding me?”

I shrugged to let him know I was entirely serious. He lowered the letter and gestured to series of printed numbers. “You scored above average in every test, and aced the arts and social studies sections.”

I took my opportunity to snatch the paper out of his hands. “What?”

He pointed to the big number at the bottom of the page. “Your percentile rank was ninety-one, which means if you’d done this in high school, you’d have been in the top 10 percent of your class.”

I frowned. “Are you sure? What about math?”

Pete sighed. “Ash, I’m sure. You didn’t fail. You’re a freaking genius.”

Something in my expression triggered his amusement, and it was a while before he calmed himself enough to shut the hell up and listen to me. “Can I ask you something?”

He sobered with a heavy sigh. “Depends. You have your serious face
on.”

I wasn’t aware I had one, but I schooled my expression all the same. Considering the lack of communication between him and his workmates, I figured he wouldn’t want to go to the fire-department fundraiser for families of the rescue-crew victims of the train crash, so I was surprised when he let my tentative question hang in the air.

“Do you want to go? I’ll come with you if you do… or not. Whatever you want.”

“I don’t want to go.”

I nodded slowly. “That’s cool.”

“It’s not cool, Ash. The accident was just that, an accident, but Tim….”

He broke off and shook his head. I took his hand and waited for him to go on. Tim’s death was still a taboo subject, and it wasn’t my place to convince him it wasn’t his fault. My stint in therapy had taught me that he had to figure it out on his own, however long it took.

“What about his family?” I said when he didn’t speak again. “His mom sent you another card. Maybe you could go and see them sometime?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

I let it go. He was tired, sleepily content in my arms. For now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Pete

One year later….

T
WELVE
MONTHS
.
Fifty-two weeks. Three-hundred and sixty-five days. When you broke it down, a year didn’t seem that long, but a lot happened to us in that long, difficult year, and by the end of it, our lives had changed beyond recognition.

I wove my way through the artsy, bohemian crowds, searching for Ash. I saw him, and a smile split my face. I’d often heard it said that people didn’t change, but I didn’t believe that. Time changed people. Life changed people, and the spirited, vibrant man who grinned back at me bore no resemblance to the broken kid who’d shuffled through my door all those years ago. I shifted the warm body on my chest and waved. He excused himself from the people he was talking to and moved toward me. As usual, we met in the middle.