Satisfaction filled him at her casual acceptance that he would be part of her life once they returned to Earth. Damon put his pleasure aside and considered her question. She deserved a well-thought-out answer. He wasn’t the jealous type, at least he’d never been in the past, but he placed himself in the situation and tested his response.
“Nah,” he said after a moment, his smile sheepish. “As long as you don’t plan on getting naked with other men, I’ll be okay.”
“Well,” she said, pulling her wrists free of his loosened grip and wrapping her arms around his neck, “since I’ve never been naked with a man before, I don’t think either one of us is going to have to worry about that.”
For a moment he stared stupidly at her, his brain trying to process what she’d said. It was the anxiety in her eyes that finally gave her words meaning. He couldn’t have understood her correctly. “Did you say what I think you said?” Damon asked, amazed he could string together a sentence.
She looked over his shoulder, not meeting his gaze. “Yes.”
He waited for her to elaborate, but she didn’t. Damon shook his head, still unable to believe it. “You’re a virgin?”
Ravyn took a deep breath. “Yes, I’m a virgin.” The words were forced out between gritted teeth. She moved her hands to his shoulders and tried to push him off.
Damon refused to budge. “How is that possible?”
She shoved harder, but he’d been expecting that. “None of your business,” she said and he could hear how mortified she was even if he couldn’t see the color stain her cheeks.
“Come on, sweet pea, you trusted me enough to tell me, now trust me all the way.” He kept his voice gentle although it wasn’t easy. The thought of being her first made him so hot, he thought he might spontaneously combust.
Ravyn struggled a moment longer, then let her muscles go slack. He turned her face so their eyes met and she stiffened for a moment before conceding. “Alex scared the boys off when I was young enough to do it out of curiosity. And when I was in comm school, I was too busy to develop romantic relationships.”
“What about after? Hell, there were seven women and thirteen men on Jarved Nine. I have to think you were pursued pretty hot and heavy the last eight months.”
“No, not really. I’d become friends with all the men on the team before we left Earth. They were like honorary brothers and none of them ever tried to cross the line.”
“I find that hard to believe. You’re damn sexy.”
“Me?” she asked, disbelief evident in her voice.
“Yeah, you,” Damon said and pressed his body into hers. “All I have to do is get close to you and this happens, mud or no mud. You’re bad for my control.”
“I like that.”
“You would,” he said. “Our current situation is way too dangerous for distractions.”
“I know.”
“I swore to myself I wouldn’t touch you until we were back on Earth. I won’t be able to keep that vow. Unless you tell me no, you won’t be a virgin when we get back home.”
“I’m not going to say no.”
Damon drew a shaky breath. He’d known that, but to hear her say it nearly drove him past his limits. He fought off the need to take her here and now. “You’re making it hard for me.”
“I can feel that.” Her smile was smug.
He crowded closer and pressed a kiss on her lips.
“Yuck! Damon! You got mud in my mouth.” She made a face.
“Toughen up,” he said without a whit of sympathy and pushed himself to his feet. “Time to leave the spa and start walking.”
He helped Ravyn up and put on his vest. He settled the pack before he realized she was frowning at him. “What?”
“Why do you always start things and then pull away?”
“I start things because I can’t help myself. I pull away because good sense finally rears its head. When we make love, I sure as hell don’t want to be covered in mud and worrying about what’s coming up behind me.” Damon reached out and tucked her muddy braid behind her shoulder. “You shouldn’t even have to ask. You’re too aware of the danger we’re in—and too well trained—not to understand.”
Which had him frowning. He’d forgotten about quizzing her on her stepbrother and the training he’d put her through. He began to wonder just who the hell Alex was, but those questions were going to have to wait. He didn’t want to take the time now. They’d already stayed here too long for his peace of mind.
Ravyn shrugged. “I needed to hear you say it,” she admitted, her voice low. She fastened her vest and turned away.
He started to seal his own vest, but froze as a thought occurred to him. Damon groaned.
“What? Is it your head?” Ravyn hurried to him. He caught her hand and interlaced his fingers with hers before she could feel his brow.
“No, my head doesn’t hurt. I just had a thought.”
“The way you groaned,” she said, “I thought you’d been hit in the head with a tree again.”
“You’re not using any birth control, are you?” He ignored her kidding, his mind focused on one thing.
“No, there wasn’t any reason to. But you must be, right?”
Damon shook his head. “I haven’t been involved in a long term relationship for years, so temporary measures have been good enough.” He hesitated for a moment then added, “Before we go any farther we need to consider the consequences.”
The idea of making Ravyn pregnant made his chest ache with tenderness. Since she looked ready to bolt, he kept that to himself. Still, he couldn’t leave it there. “If we take the risk and you become pregnant, I won’t walk away from you or our child.”
He stared at her long enough to make sure she knew he was dead serious and then started out. They had a long way to go and he wanted to reach the Old City as soon as possible.
*** *** ***
For the first time in days, mud was at the bottom of Ravyn’s priority list. She had too many other things on her mind to give more than a passing thought to how dirty she was. Her thoughts bounced, not settling on anything for long. It was a good thing Damon was back at full strength and in charge again. She trailed behind him the way she had that first day when she’d been in shock. Maybe this was just a different kind of shock.
She still couldn’t believe she’d announced her virginity. He’d have found out at some point, but she figured she’d let him discover it on his own. Instead she blurted it out while they were rolling in the mud. Ravyn had never seen Damon at a loss before. She smiled reluctantly as she remembered the expression on his face. Not quite panic, but close. Then it had changed to something else, something she hadn’t been able to name.
The smile disappeared. She knew she was an oddity. By the time she’d been out from under Alex’s protection and finished with school, she’d known she wasn’t going to go to bed with just anyone. She was waiting for a man who meant something to her, a man she couldn’t say no to. It had taken her six more years to find Damon. She’d been relieved he hadn’t pressed when she’d only answered half his question on why she was untouched. He’d probably figured out he meant more to her than any other man, but that didn’t mean she had to admit it. She wasn’t in love with him. Liked him, yes. Wanted him, yes. Love, no.
No way was she falling in love with anyone in Spec Ops. As hard as it was to watch her brother go out on assignments, she knew it would be a million times worse to watch the man she loved leave her time and again. There were no low-risk missions in his line of work, not with the tenuous peace that had been reached after the Third Oceanic War. Plus, the Alliance was stepping up its space explorations, and those often proved to be just as dangerous as war. Look at what had happened on a routine training mission. Six men had died. They’d probably told their wives there was nothing to worry about, that they’d be home in a few weeks, safe and sound. Only an ordinary training mission had gone to hell in a heartbeat.
Nope, she wasn’t loving someone in Spec Ops. It was the situation that made her feelings seem so intense. Maybe if she were braver, she could kiss her man goodbye and trust he’d come home. Which led to another thing she had to consider. If she and Damon conceived a baby together, she just might end up raising the infant alone. Not that she didn’t believe him when he said he’d be there. She was sure he’d try. But death would take him away from a child as surely as it took him away from her.
Ravyn shuddered. Just thinking about death reminded her of her friends, of Damon’s men. For a moment, she saw nothing but blood, could almost feel it on her skin. Another, stronger shudder went through her. She’d worked hard at putting the tragedy out of her mind these last few days, and for the most part, had been successful. She had to do it again. With determination, she pushed their faces aside. She felt guilty doing it, but she couldn’t deal with the loss now.
Instead she forced herself to focus on the pregnancy issue, latching on to it to forget the sight of the bodies. Life versus death. She’d never thought much about having children before, at least not concretely. That was more of a someday kind of thing. But now, she had to think about it.
A gust of wind reminded her she needed to pay attention to her surroundings. She looked at the sky, expecting to see clouds since the breeze had picked up, but it was still sunny. Ravyn had no doubt the rains would come. They always did.
For a moment she watched Damon move. She knew he’d made a big concession admitting he didn’t want to wait till they reached Earth to make love. Although maybe the prospect of parenthood would shore up his resolve, she thought with a small smile of amusement. It certainly made her think twice.
Something drove him to put her protection above everything else. It was more than responsibility, more than honor, but she didn’t know what. Someday, when the time felt right, she would ask, but for now, she just accepted it.
Damon checked on her frequently today. Maybe worried she would run the other way rather than take the chance on getting pregnant. Her lips curled. More likely, though, the lack of cover made him nervous. They were in the open, the trees and bushes few and far between. When she thought about it, it made the back of her neck tingle, as if she were being watched.
The soft ground sucked at her boots, but she was used to that. She must have stronger leg muscles now than ever before. She laughed softly, too softly for Damon to hear. Alex would be impressed. Maybe when she saw him, she’d challenge him to a run.
She tried to imagine her brother’s reaction if she did end up pregnant. What came to mind wasn’t pretty. He’d go after Damon, no question about it. Damon was bigger, but Alex was more intense. If they fought, both of them would end up hurt. Of course, knowing her captain, he might not fight at all out of some misguided idea of honor, and just let Alex pound him.
Okay, so desire said sleep with the man and take her chances. After all, the odds were she wouldn’t become pregnant. She knew of couples who tried for years without conceiving. Her practical side said don’t make love without some way of preventing conception. A baby would tie them together for life. Which, in Damon’s case, might be shorter than average.
Her head began to ache from thinking about it. The hell with it. Ravyn tried to concentrate on how uncomfortable she felt with dried mud all over her body, but the sensation was nothing new. She was almost used to it now. She had to find something to keep her mind off of death, sex and babies, though.
Another burst of hot wind caught them and whipped the sides of Damon’s vest open. Her eyes narrowed. He’d never left it unsealed before, but she bet he felt cooler in this heat. She wished she could do that, but with his size, he didn’t have to worry about his vest sliding off if he left it open. She did.
With a sigh, Ravyn returned to her favorite thought. A bath. This time she imagined lukewarm water. That meant no bubbles, but she could live with that. Instead of champagne, she wanted a big glass of icy cold lemonade. Maybe lemon-scented shampoo to go with her drink and she’d stick with the Mozart from her spa fantasy. She imagined leaning back in the tub and stretching out. Part of Ravyn wasn’t surprised to run into a set of masculine legs. Of course Damon would be sharing her bath. She could almost feel his big hands reach out and pull her on top of him. As she settled herself on him, she realized the swelling of her abdomen kept her from getting as close as she wanted.
Ravyn nearly tripped over her own feet. Well, she thought after regaining her balance, that answered the question. In the split second before her shock had knocked her out of the daydream, she’d been thrilled to be pregnant, to have a part of Damon within her. She wanted the bond.
She scowled at his back even though she knew it wasn’t his fault. So she felt more for him than she meant to; it didn’t mean it was love. She still had control, and she wouldn’t allow herself to fall for him, no way, no how. Not when any day he could discover her cravenness. A man as brave and confident as Damon wouldn’t be able to respect a coward. How long would he stay with her once he discovered the terrible truth? Not long, she bet. She brought her hand to her chest, pressing it over her heart. She didn’t know if she could continue to hide her biggest weakness. The man saw far too much.
Damon had pulled ahead so Ravyn picked up the pace until she was just behind him. They neared an impenetrable patch of brush, and he altered their path so they could skim its outskirts. Ravyn heard a rumbling sound. She frowned in concentration, trying to remember why it was familiar. Damon was almost at the thicket when the noise came again. Her eyes widened as it dawned on her what it was.
“Stop!” she yelled, but even though he obeyed instantly, she knew it was a few seconds too late. She quickly assessed the situation, and without hesitation, put herself between Damon and the animal. Her vest was on and sealed; his wasn’t. He was still recovering from a head injury; she was healthy.
The quill hurt like hell, and she staggered backward from the assault. She felt Damon’s arm come around her, bracing her against his side. The pain remained too intense for her to form words, but she trusted he would figure out the creature was dangerous. When she heard the shot, she relaxed. He knew.
A burning sensation started where the spine entered her arm and pain swamped her senses. Her ears should be ringing from a gun fired so close, but if they were, she didn’t notice. She couldn’t see anything, couldn’t smell the residue of the shot and she couldn’t feel Damon, though she was sure he still held her.