Authors: Marie Force
“When it first happened,” she said tentatively, “the accident… I never imagined I’d get to a point where I’d be ready…to try again. With someone else. But now, it’s been more than a year, and it doesn’t seem quite so impossible to imagine anymore.”
“Syd,” he said, shaking his head. “I look good to you because I’m familiar, because you once had feelings for me, but I couldn’t bear to be your rebound guy or your transition guy, or whatever I’d be.”
She finally dared to glance up at him, and what he saw in her eyes and on her face made his heart stagger. “Just because things ended the way they did between us doesn’t mean I didn’t still have feelings for you, and I would never use you to prove a point to myself or anyone else. You mean too much to me, and after what I did to you once before…” Her voice faded.
“What’re you saying?”
“I don’t want you to go.”
Luke told himself to get the hell out of there while he still could, but somehow his legs didn’t seem to get the message.
She rested her hands on his chest. “I don’t know for sure that I’m ready for what this might be. All I know is I don’t want you to go.”
Against his better judgment, his hands landed on her hips and drew her closer. He really hoped she couldn’t feel what her nearness did to him. The last thing he wanted was to scare her off by giving away how desperately he wanted her. As his arms went around her, she relaxed into his embrace, and he was reminded of how they’d once fit together so perfectly. The sweetness of the memory, the familiar scent of her hair and the hopelessness of the situation made him ache.
He held her tight against him, all the while telling himself it was unwise. This was a recipe for disaster for him—and maybe for her, too.
“Syd,” he said, drawing back from her. “I’m going to go. I want you to really think about this. You need to be sure you’re ready.” He framed her face and urged her to meet his gaze. “If we start this up again…”
“What?” she asked, breathless.
“The last time you walked away from me, I was a kid without any options. I’m a grown man now, and I wouldn’t let you get away so easily.”
Her lips parted as if she had something to say, but then her eyes fluttered closed.
Luke couldn’t resist the urge to brush a soft kiss over those perfect lips that had dominated his fantasies for such a long, lonely time.
The moment their lips connected, her eyes flew open.
“Think long and hard, Syd. Be sure it’s what you really want. Be sure you’re ready.”
“Luke—”
He rested a finger over her lips to quiet her. “If it’s tomorrow or next week or next summer or two summers from now, doesn’t matter. I’ll be here, and you’ll always be welcome. If you never feel ready, that’s okay, too.”
“That’s crazy,” she said. “You can’t wait forever for me.”
“I already have. I’ve never met anyone I like better than you. After a while, I stopped looking.” He kissed her forehead because he didn’t dare kiss her lips again. If he did, he might not be able to stop kissing her. “You know where to find me.”
Before he could let the possibility of never seeing her again set in, he got out of there. Without looking back, he went down the stairs, across the yard and into the reeds. Only when he was rowing his boat across the pond did he breathe again. What the hell had he just done?
Sydney passed the week after Luke made his offer feeling like she was wading through quicksand. The lethargy that hung over her reminded her in some ways of the days and weeks that followed the accident. Aimlessness overtook her. She had trouble deciding what to eat or how to spend her days and was back to sleeping far too much.
Buddy was worried about her. She could see it in his solemn eyes as he watched her every move.
Sydney was getting sick of herself by the time Maddie called and invited her to a girl’s night out with her sister Tiffany, sister-in-law Janey and some of their other friends. Sydney’s first inclination was to say no as the idea of showering and doing her hair and putting on makeup and choosing clothes seemed overwhelming.
But then Buddy nudged her and let out a soft whimper. He seemed to be asking her to do it for him.
“All right, Buddy. If it means that much to you.”
He barked and wagged his bushy tail.
For the first time in a week, Sydney laughed. She showered and shaved her legs and found a cute sundress that showed off the light tan she’d acquired while walking Buddy.
She brushed her hair until it shone and put on makeup that highlighted her eyes. As she wielded the mascara wand, her breath caught at the memory of Seth teasing her about how different she looked when she wore makeup. He preferred her au naturel. She took a moment to absorb the blow. Seth had been such a good and decent man, as well as funny and cute. He’d been so full of life and plans that sometimes it was still hard to believe he was really gone.
When Maddie arrived a short time later to pick her up, Sydney felt like she looked as good as she ever would. She’d done her best to shake off the rough moment with the mascara. It occurred to her then that the rough moments were happening less and less often. Oddly, that made her sad.
While she knew it was healthy to be recovering from the initial burst of horrible grief, she also felt guilty. What right did she have to be getting on with her life when her children would never have
any
life? When sweet, wonderful Seth was gone forever?
“You look gorgeous, Syd,” Maddie said, hugging her.
“So do you.” Maddie had worn a gauzy maternity top over white Capri pants.
“I look like a beached whale,” Maddie said with a snort.
“A very pretty beached whale.”
“Gee, thanks.”
Sydney gave Buddy a pat on the head and a kiss to the snoot. “Be a good boy while I’m gone.”
He sat and watched with those solemn eyes as she went out the door with Maddie.
“He’s so adorable,” Maddie said. “Such a good boy.”
“He never used to be.” A shaft of pain lanced through Sydney as she remembered the Buddy from before the accident. “He was a holy terror—into
everything
. We used to joke that he was deaf to the sound of my voice and Seth’s. Max was the only one he minded. The two of them were joined at the hip. After…he laid outside Max’s room and cried for six months.”
“God,” Maddie said. “The poor guy.”
“One day, I woke up, and he was sleeping next to me. He’s been my dog ever since. Not once since Max died has Buddy done anything even slightly naughty or mischievous. He’s been on his best behavior, which is sad in its own way.” Sydney glanced at her friend and saw tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be a Debby Downer.”
“Oh please, you’re not at all. I just feel so sorry for Buddy—for both of you. I can’t begin to understand what you’ve been through.”
“I’m doing better. We both are.” Despite the torment of the last week, the torment of Luke’s offer, Sydney couldn’t deny she was better than she’d been. Much better. But was she far enough along that she was ready to take another chance on love? That was the great unknown. Until she was sure, how could she gamble with her heart or Luke’s? Especially when she’d done such tremendous damage to his heart once before.
“Did I dredge up bad memories?” Maddie asked as she drove them into town to meet the others.
“Not at all.”
“What’ve you been up to all week?”
“I’ve been taking it easy. This past school year was particularly exhausting.” She wanted to tell Maddie about what had transpired with Luke, but somehow she just couldn’t bring herself to share.
“I can’t imagine being responsible for twenty seven-year-olds. One two-year-old is killing me.”
Sydney laughed. “It does wear you out after ten months. I’m sure I’ll miss it, though.”
“Miss it? What do you mean?”
She told Maddie about her decision to leave her job—and why.
For a long moment, Maddie was quiet and pensive. “So what’ll you do now?”
“Not sure yet. I’m hoping to figure that out this month while I’m here.”
“You should stay out here with us permanently. This is your favorite place, after all.”
Sydney chuckled at Maddie’s shameless campaigning. “It’s nice to feel wanted.”
“We’d keep you plenty busy. You’d be surprised how much goes on around here in the winter these days.”
“You’ll be plenty busy this winter with a new baby.”
“That’s true,” Maddie said. “I can barely manage the one I have. I can’t imagine how I’ll handle two.” She gasped. “God, I’m sorry. I just keep putting my foot in my mouth.”
“Can we make a deal? Right now?”
Still looking stricken, Maddie nodded.
“Can we please keep it real? What you said is something anyone would say with a two-year-old and a new one on the way.”
“I don’t mean to be insensitive.”
“You’re not being insensitive. It’s your life right now, and I don’t want you to walk on eggshells with me. If you think it, say it. Please don’t filter yourself because something bad happened to me.”
“I hope you know I don’t mean to complain. I’m so blessed, and I know that.”
“Don’t ever take those blessings for granted.”
“Did you?” Maddie asked hesitantly. “Take your blessings for granted?”
“Don’t we all sometimes? I was always grateful for what we had, but I don’t know if I appreciated it quite the way I should have. When I think of the kids, sometimes all I can remember is hollering at them for getting mud on my floor or getting after them about leaving their toys all over the place.”
“That’s stuff every mother says to her kids.”
“I know, but it’s more than that. You’ll see when your kids get a little older. You get sucked into life and work and school and friends and birthday parties and sports, and the days go by in such a whirl of activity. Weeks would pass, and I’d feel like the only conversation I had with Seth was about Max’s T-ball team or whose turn it was to help with homework.”
“I can see how that happens. There’re days when it’s all Mac and I can do to get Thomas fed, bathed and in bed before we’re ready to drop ourselves. I can’t remember how I ever did it by myself.”
“I’m so glad you found a great guy, Maddie. No one deserves to be happy more than you do.”
“Aww, thanks. That’s so sweet of you to say. Do you think, you know, you might ever…”
“Venture into dating again?”
Maddie nodded. “I don’t mean to pry. I just can’t imagine you alone the rest of your life. You’ve always been such a people person. I was so painfully shy when we were kids, but you were Ms. Sociable.”
“I’ve become a little more introverted—that happened even before the accident. But I’m not big on the idea of being alone forever, so I suppose I’ll wade back into those shark-infested waters eventually.” She thought of Luke and what he’d said to her a week ago. “Maybe sooner rather than later.”
“Are you keeping secrets? Has your nocturnal visitor continued to come by?”
“Not in the last week or so.” She stared out the window, wanting to tell Maddie about Luke’s last visit but afraid to put words to the torment it had caused her.
Maddie pulled into a parking space behind the Beachcomber, cut the engine and turned to Sydney. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Sydney hesitated but only for a second. Who was she kidding? She was dying to tell someone about what’d happened. After she relayed the story, Maddie stared at her. “Say something, will you?”
“What’ll you do?”
“I don’t know. Part of me wants to run to him and
live
again, you know? But the other part doesn’t want to take advantage of a good guy who’s already been hurt enough by me in one lifetime. What right do I have to do that to him?”
Maddie took a moment to think that over. “It seems to me that by making the offer he did, he’s willing to take the risk.”
“He’d be crazy to take a chance on me. My life is a mess at the moment.”
“It’s not a mess. It’s in transition, and you’re smart to not want to start something you might not be ready for.”
“But?”
“You already know he’s a good guy. You know what you’d be getting.”
“True.”
“Do you still love him, Syd?”
She’d asked herself that same question a thousand times over the last week. “Oh God, I don’t know. Part of me suspects I never stopped loving him. I thought about him far too often over the years. Even when I was married, I thought of him. I hate to say that because it sounds so disloyal to Seth, and I don’t want to be disloyal. But I can’t deny I thought of Luke.”
“Well, he left it up to you and didn’t put a time limit on his offer. So you could let it ride for the time being.”
“Which is more or less what I’ve decided to do.”
Maddie raised an eyebrow. “More or less?”
“I can’t deny I’m tempted. Just being near him makes me all fluttery and weak-kneed the way I was with him at seventeen.”
Laughing, Maddie said, “Girl, you’re in serious crush.”