Ready to Love Again (Sweet Romance #2) (7 page)

I shivered under his touch and mentally scolded myself for the feeling of pleasure that pulsed through me.

I tried to pull away from his grip, but Chase took my chin in his free hand and turned my face towards him.

I looked up into his eyes and before I knew it, his lips brushed against mine in a soft, tentative kiss.

His lips felt even softer than they looked. His breath had the aftertaste of a cigarette but also held a taste of bourbon. His skin smelled of a mixture of things; that clean smell you get fresh from the shower, a hint of cologne, and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

There was something to be said for being kissed by Chase Williams, he definitely knew what he was doing. He had one hand in the back of my hair and one still at the base of my spine. I swear there were tiny electric currents flowing from his hand to my skin.

Suddenly realising I was still only wearing my nightgown brought a flush to my cheeks but there was nothing I could do about it now.

Chase deepened the kiss, his mouth exploring mine as his hand caressed up and down my spine. I returned the kiss with a vigour I hadn’t felt in a long time. Nobody had ever kissed me this way. Ethan’s kisses were completely different—passionate, but not like Chase.

As these thoughts ran through my head, I mentally scolded myself for comparing the kisses from the love of my life to the man here in front of me now. I also chided myself for allowing this kiss to continue. What was I doing? I was encouraging Chase. This had to stop. I couldn’t let it ever get any further than this.

“Chase, stop. We’re friends,” I said as I pulled away and tugged at my nightgown as though it had come up and was exposing me somehow.

I would have missed the flash of hurt in Chase’s eyes were it not for the fact that I was trapped by his gaze.

Composing himself, Chase sucked down any feelings and his eyes were like stone.

“I’m sorry, Alyssa. I didn’t mean to cross a boundary. I…I thought you felt the same. Hoped you did. But you don’t…it’s fine. I’ll just be on my way and I’ll see you at work,” his words tumbled out over each other.

“Chase, it’s not that…” I trailed off. I couldn’t come up with the right words. Nothing I said would make this any less embarrassing for either of us.

I knew I’d wounded his pride. It was unintentional but better to have done it now than to have led him on. Yes, his kiss had woken something dormant in me, but I couldn’t afford to feel again. I quieted the raging storm brewing in my emotions and picked up my iPhone to call him a cab.

Chase stood at the window, looking out into the night.

A few minutes later, a cab pulled up outside and without a word, Chase left. I watched silently as the cab pulled from the curb. Tears rolled quietly down my cheeks, I hadn’t meant for this to happen but I couldn’t go back in time and change things. I’m not even sure I would change the fact that he had kissed me. He had touched part of me that had lain untouched for so long, something I was sure had actually been torn from me the day I lost Ethan.

I closed the window and returned to bed. I didn’t expect sleep to come quickly, unable to quiet my racing thoughts, I assumed I would lay awake for hours.

When sleep finally claimed me, dreams of Chase overtook my mind and I kept picturing the moment his lips touched mine, the way his mouth had explored mine so fully. I kept conjuring image after image of his beautiful, soulful eyes, the way they had burned into mine. Even in my dream state, I couldn’t figure out why he’d turned up out of the blue.

Chapter Ten

The next morning I woke feeling like a zombie. I had tossed and turned all night, dreams of Chase mingled with memories of Ethan had me waking up periodically. At least it was the weekend and I didn’t have to turn in to work looking like a freak with huge dark circles under my eyes. It might be my imagination but my reflection seemed to scream “
slut
” at me as I brushed and flossed my teeth.

I can’t be a slut! I was just standing there like an idiot I didn’t do anything…that sounds better…except I did kiss him back, didn’t I? OMG! I really am a slut!

No, no, no it was the whiskey and the dreams, see? It wasn’t real I just dreamed it! I can pretend like none of this ever happened! Oh but it did, and it felt so yummy! What? No, this must stop! OMG! I am not this person. I am a young, vulnerable widow.

I put some coffee on and grabbed my Kindle. I really needed to lose myself in work, even on a Sunday. I needed a distraction from my racing thoughts. If that’s how it was to kiss him, then what would it be like to make love to him? I could only imagine it would set the world on fire in its wake.

The mind is an amazing thing, it can take you places you know you can’t go in real life. But the mind can also be deceitful, giving you false hopes for a future you know is never going to come to fruition.

I buried my head in
All For Love
by Hillary Kelley. I love a good ‘naughty’ book but I also love a book that can draw me in and make me feel like I’m the main character.
All for Love
is about a woman who left her partner, thinking it was the right thing to do at the time. It was a real heartbreaker and had me writing an email to the author straight away with an offer of a contract with Emerging Butterfly. I could only hope she’d say yes, because it was one of the best books I had read in a long time.

I went about my normal Sunday routine and did a little house hunting on the internet. Clark had said he’d come to any viewings with me, but he’d been a bit quiet since the revelation that I was a widow. I hadn’t wanted to text him and push him, he needed to come to me when he was ready to talk. He had every right to be mad that I had hidden something so big from him and in all honesty, I couldn’t blame him at all. He’d been my rock since I got to Brockwood and I hadn’t been able to confide in him.

I sent some emails regarding house viewings and got an email back about a viewing the following afternoon. I couldn’t wait to get out of this dump and into somewhere where there’s room to swing a cat. Not that I swing cats, it’s just a silly expression!

My phone rang suddenly, making me jump.

“Hello.”

“Hi, Lys, it’s me. Can we talk?”

That accent made my stomach do somersaults. My pulse began to race and I’m sure my palms were becoming sweaty.

“I don’t really have the time…right now…Chase, sorry,” I replied, fumbling my words slightly.

“Oh, okay!” came his rather sullen reply.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m busy working from home today,” I lied a little more smoothly.

“Okay, I just thought that we should talk about…well, you know what…” he trailed off.

The last thing I wanted to do was be reminded of the kiss. I could still feel his soft, full lips on mine. I could still taste the cigarette and whiskey on his breath. I remembered it all too well and didn’t need a conversation to rake through it again.

“We’ll talk, Chase, just not today.”

I heard his quiet sigh on the end of the line.

“Sorry,” I added into the silence.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s fine, I understand.”

The words crossed his lips, but the question was, did he understand?

“I’ll let you get on with it then,” Chase said a little sharply.

“Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you then.”

The line went dead.

I looked at my phone and could see the disappointment on my face reflected in the black screen.

What was going on? I didn’t have a clue. Where was Clark when I needed him? Oh yeah, he was coming to terms with the bombshell I dropped. Why, oh why, did I have to be such a stupid cow?

***

I went to bed that night thinking about the mess I had made and how I could make it right.

My dreams were a mish-mash of things. I had a heated argument with Clark, I lost Ethan all over again, and I kissed Chase again and again and again.

The next morning couldn’t come soon enough.

***

When I woke up, I went straight to make a cup of coffee. I was going to need plenty of caffeine to get me through the day.

I got a cab to work and went straight to my office, avoiding anyone and their attempts to make polite chit-chat. I felt guilty for blanking people but I just couldn’t make idle small talk this morning.

I set my phone and Kindle down on my desk and inserted my card to log on to the system.

I had several emails awaiting my attention from authors wanting to sign with us. I was excited about the new books we had in the pipelines. Once I had replied to them, I pulled out my iPhone and texted Clark.

Alyssa: Can we meet for lunch? I need to talk to you.

Moments later, I received a reply.

Clark: Sure thing. I missed you this weekend. Everything okay?

Everything wasn’t okay, but what to tell Clark?

Alyssa: Yeah, just had a busy one working from home. See you at The Mermaid at 12?

Okay, so I hadn’t worked all weekend, but it wasn’t a discussion I wanted to have via text.

Clark: Yeah, 12 sounds good. C U there!

At least Clark didn’t seem to hate me.

I worked through until lunch without any interruptions. At 11:45 I called for a cab to collect me at 11:55.

I managed to get out of the building without seeing Chase, which was a relief.

I got to The Mermaid, paid the driver, and got out of the cab. I smoothed down the A-line skirt I was wearing and checked to make sure my reflection looked presentable in the reflection of a window, then I walked in and braced myself for the conversation I was about to have.

I saw Clark sat at a table in the corner away from the bar. Presumably he’d chosen to sit there so we weren’t easily overheard. I silently thanked him for that.

After ordering lunch from Em, Clark and I sat facing each other silently. I knew I needed to be the one to break the ice, but it wasn’t as easy as that.

I had brought something for Clark to read, hoping he would understand a little more.

“So…” we both said at once.

We laughed and Clark was silent, nodding for me to continue.

“So, I guess I have some explaining to do,” I said before taking a large gulp of my diet Pepsi.

Clark didn’t respond, so I assumed he wanted me to carry on, uninterrupted.

“Ethan and I were high school sweethearts. It was love at first sight. He was on the school soccer team and I was a cheerleader. We did everything together, went everywhere together. Our parents thought we were a match made in Heaven.”

I took another gulp of my drink and continued.

“We married young, but when it’s meant to be, you just know it. We had a very happy marriage. He was the perfect husband. We were together for seven years, married for three of those. Not long after we got married, Ethan discovered something that shook us both to the core. He had been slurring his speech a little from time to time. He went to the doctor and the results of the test were staggering.”

My throat began to clog up as the memory of that day became clearer in my mind.

“The doctor thought it might be a mini-stroke, but he didn’t have other symptoms of stroke so…” I trailed off as Em brought our food from the kitchen.

“This looks great, thanks, Em,” I said as I looked at my Caesar salad.

“Let me know if I can get you guys anything else,” she replied as she put Clark’s burger in front of him.

As Em turned and walked away, I looked at Clark as he put a hand over mine on the table. This was the first time I had spoken to anyone outside of mine and Ethan’s families about what had happened.

“The hospital he was referred to ran a battery of tests, some of which were inconclusive. In the meantime, Ethan developed more symptoms, he started getting bad cramps in his hands and legs from time to time. They slowly started getting worse and led to muscle weakness. At first the doctors didn’t know what it was, but eventually they diagnosed the problem. Ethan had ALS.”

I took a bite of my salad, not tasting it as it slid down my throat.

I retrieved the letter from my purse and slid it on the table. I wasn’t ready for Clark to read it, but there would never be a good or right time to share it. I just had to get on with it.

I slid the paper over to Clark and he looked directly into my eyes. I could see the question in them, so I just nodded my head.

Clark took the slip of paper and began to read the letter that was burned into my memory.

Dearest Alyssa,

My darling Alyssa; my love, my life, my best friend, my wife. Where do I start this letter? There are so many things that I still want to say to you, but feel I am running out of time to say them. Well, I am out of time, this is why I’m writing this in the first place. I can’t bear long drawn out goodbyes, nor can I bear for you to see me getting worse and worse until my soul finally leaves its disease ravaged shell.

I have loved you all my life, or at least it feels that way. I can still remember the carefree teenagers we used to be before this disease took over me. We were young and inseparable, our love was what bound us together. You were strong, beautiful, innocent…There was something about you that I fell for the moment I saw you across the soccer field. I saw you with your friends, sitting there without a care in the world. You were the most beautiful girl on the planet, with your glossy red hair that bounced in the breeze and your emerald green eyes that reflected the sun’s rays. Alyssa, you couldn’t have been more perfect. You completed me in a way I hadn’t realised I was missing out on before.

As I sit here, I can recall our first date as though it was yesterday. We were at Benny’s and you twirled your hair round your finger as you popped bubbles with your gum. I took you home and it took us forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight on the front porch. I didn’t tell you that night, but I started falling in love with you from the moment you agreed to come on a date and I never stopped falling in love with you every single day until the end.

I’m so sorry this has to be the end, my darling. I know finding this letter will tear you apart, but I can’t think of any other way. I hope in the long run you will see that what I did was for the best. I was in so much pain, my sweetheart, I only put a brave face on it for you. Please don’t hate me for taking ‘the coward’s way out’. That isn’t what this feels like for me; it feels like the best decision all-round. It’s finally something I can control—unlike so many other things that have come to pass over this last year. Though I am going to break your heart by doing this, I know it has to be done my way. It has to be on my terms, I can’t take much more of what nature has in store for me.

I don’t want to die in hospital attached to some machine with a ‘DNR’ on my notes. Nor do I want to be sat at home one day doing something trivial and normal one minute, then fall down dead the next. I can’t take the not knowing, Lys, it’s literally tearing me apart.

I know that on finding my note, you and the family will be hit with a tidal wave of emotion but I want for you all to know that I love you dearly, I never stopped for even a nano-second.

Lys, you were my best friend, my soul-mate and so much more. I believe we’ll see each other again someday when our souls reincarnate. But for now, I am out of time and out of goodbyes. I can’t say the word, it seems so final.

I want you to know that one day, when you least expect it, you will find love again and it is with my blessing. I want someone to give you everything that I never got time to give you. Children. A house with a white picket-fence. A dog. I know, such cliché things, but I want you to promise me you will live on and you will live life to its fullest. I want you to embrace each day as though it were a friend and welcome the comfort the night brings.

I am so sorry to be doing this to you, I am such a selfish bastard, this I know. But I cannot lie here while you watch me wither away and die a drawn out death, because that’s exactly what this is; my life is an existence, I am not truly living. I want you to know that you were the last thought in my mind as I drifted into a peaceful sleep from which I would never wake.