“I know.”
“It's a lot of baggage to deal with, but can you make yourself push on?”
A long silence ensued while he considered her question.
“Be like your mamma, William. Even in her sickness, she made the most of her time. She'd want you to do the same. Forgive Daniel. And Beth. They did the best they could at the time. I'm sure that it's not easy for them to live with what they did. And while we're on the subject, you're not the only one with regrets.”
“What are you talking about?”
Rebecca cleared her throat. “I had a lengthy discussion with Beth about you and Daniel. She feels awful about what happened. So does Daniel.”
William stiffened. He straightened his shoulders and raised his chin. “They should. What did Beth say?”
Rebecca explained.
Afterwards, they slowed their pace. Darkness was setting in. They turned around on the trail and headed back to the house. As the sun began to fade into the darkening sky, the temperature dropped. The sudden coolness prompted a shiver up William's arms. But his mind was on what Rebecca had just told him. He bit his lip while he digested that Beth had offered to keep him after she married Daniel. He'd always believed she didn't want him. Had he misjudged her?
“You think she's telling the truth?”
Rebecca nodded. “Absolutely. She's not perfect, William. But she's a good, honest woman. Her heart's in the right place. And there's no doubt in my mind that she loves Daniel.” Rebecca lowered her voice. “She'd like to be close to you.”
William gave a frustrated shake of his head. “She should have thought about that when she and Dad left me with Aenti Sarah and Uncle John.”
“I'm sure she did. But it was a complicated situation.” Rebecca threw her arms in the air in a frustrated gesture. “Apparently, your mom's expectation that you be raised Amish weighed more than taking you with him.”
William shoved his hands into his pockets and stared straight ahead. A mélange of colors faded into a dark shade of purple. Locusts started making their nightly sounds. Lightning bugs glittered in the distance.
“I'm so confused.”
“I understand. But give it time. And it'll be okay. You know what they say about time?”
“That it's the healer of all wounds.”
She nodded.
William bit his lip and pointed. “Look at the sunset.”
“It's amazing.”
“Exactly. But if God can create such a beautiful sunset, why couldn't He have given me a dad?” Before Rebecca could respond, he corrected himself. “I mean, a
real
father. Surely everyone deserves that, don't they?”
Rebecca nodded.
As they continued their walk, William squeezed his eyes closed in a moment of grief. As soon as he opened them, a whoosh of pain filled his chest until he thought it would burst. But he couldn't cry. At the thought of his uncle, William straightened his shoulders and composed himself.
Moping wouldn't help matters. He knew that. And he wouldn't be a baby. But he had to talk. And Rebecca was the best listener he could have.
He cleared his throat. “Why did God take both of my parents away, Rebecca?”
She spoke in a soft, reassuring tone that helped to ease his troubled mind. “William, I wish I could give you an answer.” She gave a helpless shrug. “But I can't. Only God knows why He does what He does. There's a purpose for everything. I think we have to explore the positive side. Daniel's still alive. You've got a second chance with him. Take advantage of it. There's no guarantee how much longer he'll be here. So make the most of what you have. Is life perfect?” She shook her head. “No. But we have to make the best of the time we have here on earth. Our lives are short. It's a shame to be angry or upset. To be happy, we must forgive and move on.”
William didn't respond. Her advice made a lot of sense. But talk was easy. Carrying it out would be difficult.
Their steps slowed as the sun took another dip into the horizon. “I'm not as good as you, Rebecca. You're the one who's like my mother. Not me. You could forgive Daniel, couldn't you?”
Rebecca gave a slight nod. “I think so.”
“I'm not sure I can.”
“But you have to try. Otherwise, you'll never forgive
yourself
.”
She paused and caught her breath. “When Daniel married Beth, he was forced to make a very difficult choice.”
William frowned. After a lengthy pause, he raised a brow. “And he chose Beth.”
“Yes, he did.”
As they continued in silence, the pain in William's chest grew worse. So did the oversized lump in his throat.
Rebecca straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. “William, I believe God did what He did for a purpose.”
“What purpose?”
“There's only one explanation.”
William looked straight ahead, waiting to hear it.
“He wanted you to be with me.”
William took in a deep breath. “Maybe you're right, Rebecca.” He paused. “Listen to me complain. I should be ashamed of myself. My mom would expect me to be better.”
“I'm so proud of you.”
“You are?”
“Of course. Don't you realize everything you've done for Daniel?” She went on before he could answer. “Just look at what you've accomplished. It's a considerable feat.”
“But right now, I'm not happy inside. I feel guilty about my feelings.” He threw his head back to glance up at the sky. It had turned a dark bluish-black color. The dismal shade reminded William of a sweater he'd watched his aunt knit for one of his cousins.
He realized that he was just a small slice of the large world. In fact, he played such a miniscule role, he wondered if God even heard his prayers.
He nudged Rebecca's elbow. “Thanks for listening. I'm glad I talked.”
“I'm always here. And I love for you to share your concerns with me. It means that you trust me. Someday, I might need you to listen to my problems.”
He frowned. “Do things bother you?”
Rebecca shrugged. “Of course.” She sighed. “I don't imagine there's anyone alive without worries. But to be honest, mine aren't worth mentioning. Not when I think of how Daniel's suffering. And when I consider what you've gone through. Right now, I just want Daniel on his feet. That should be our main focus.”
Discussing his relationship with his father wouldn't make things better. In fact, he decided not to bring up his dad's offer this evening. William was ready to change the subject.
“Your dinner was delicious. Tonight, Rebecca Sommer, your chicken dumplings were even better than Aenti Sarah's.” He laughed. “Did you see how many Dad ate?”
Rebecca nodded. “I'm glad he liked them. And thank you for the compliment, even though I think you're stretching the truth a bit.” She raised an amused brow. “Everyone knows that Sarah makes the best dumplings around. It was fun using Beth's kitchen. It's a woman's dream.”
“Rebecca!”
“What?”
“I'm surprised to hear you talk like that.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “I thought you didn't like the English ways.”
“Did I say that?”
He hesitated. “No. I just took it for granted, I guess.”
Rebecca put a hand on her hip. “Who on earth wouldn't enjoy Beth's kitchen? It's a cooking wonderland, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. At the same time, I guess I'm lucky because I can do without it. I have no problem returning to Arthur and getting back to my roots. Living here makes me appreciate what I have. It's also forced me to think.”
He waited for her to go on.
“I've learned to not judge others for the way they live. Time here has provided me with a bigger picture of the world. Now I better understand that all religions serve the Lord. Not just the Amish. When Beth and Daniel used to visit, I'm embarrassed to say I thought they were all about material things.”
When he eyed her, she held up a hand in defense. “I'm certainly not proud of that. But I couldn't help it, William. They drove a nice car. And Beth wore beautiful clothes. I really misjudged her.”
“You did?”
Rebecca nodded. “Jah. Beth's far from Amish, but she worships the Lord. She does it in a different church. And with a different set of standards.
But that's okay. Not everyone interprets the Bible the way we do. Not everyone has to think like us. That would be impossible. Beth has good values.”
William shrugged. “She also has plenty of conveniences. Aenti Sarah would love the air-conditioning. In fact, I feel the English have an unfair advantage.”
“Because of their modern-day appliances?”
“Of course.”
“William, your aunt shops at Walmart and Sears. She's fully aware that these things exist. But what makes her so special is that she's happy with her life as it is. Have you ever heard her complain?”
William shook his head and rolled his eyes. “But she'd never whine, even if she was unhappy. She makes do with what she has. That's how she was raised. Beth has it too easy.”
When he glanced at Rebecca, he caught her look of disapproval. “Just ignore me.”
“I'm not going to.”
William walked in silence. Rebecca was so perfect. Her thoughts were pure. Unlike him, she didn't feel malice toward anyone. The last thing he wanted was to burden her with his problems.
“William, never keep anything from me. I'm your best friend.”
He smiled a little. “I know. If anyone can help me, it's you. I don't like what I feel. I want to change. To tell the truth, I would love to forgive Dad and Beth and be close to them.” He lifted a shoulder. “But I don't know how to do it.”
He dropped her hand and clenched his fists. “Bad thoughts clutter my head, and I'm not sure who I am anymore.”
“Because of Daniel?”
“I suppose so.” He cleared his throat. “I wish I were more like you. You never want more than you have. You're satisfied.”
She nodded. “Yes. I guess I'm fortunate in that way. But our situations are different. I'm not in your shoes. And I'm worried.” She paused. “How do I get my old William back? The carefree William who joked and teased me. The William who made me laugh.”
He grinned.
“If only life were simple.”
“It is, really. The problem is, you're making it harder than it needs to be. Daniel isn't perfect. Neither is Beth. But they love you. Daniel may not love you the way you want to be loved. But just accept that. Your expectations are too high. I've no doubt he deeply cares for you. Beth, too. William, now's not the time to be bitter. Daniel needs your support. He's fighting for his life.”
William blinked away the burning sting of salty tears. His heart ached. A combination of shame, guilt, and sadness struggled within him. Why couldn't he be happy?
“Enough about me. I want to know something.”
She lifted an inquisitive brow.
“How do you get past your problems?”
“I can't say that I overcome my fears, but I pray about them. Every night before I go to bed, I read Mamma's scripture book. It gives me strength to know that God will take care of me. And I write down my most troubling and joyous thoughts. Seeing them on paper actually helps me deal with obstacles. It also makes me appreciate all that I have.”
“Your faith is stronger than mine.”
“Pray, William. God will give you power to overcome your bitterness. He'll provide you with the strength and wisdom you need. You'll see.”
William hesitated. He lowered his voice to a more serious tone. “What do you think about living like the English?”
Rebecca let out a small sigh. “Honestly, I could never be English. I'm an Amish girl, inside and out. That's not to say that I don't enjoy some of their amenities. Who wouldn't?”
“Like?”
She pulled her arms over her chest. “The jets in the bathtub. The way the water sprays against my feet.” She turned to him and slowly rolled her eyes in delight. “Hmm. There's nothing like it, really. It's so relaxing and soothing. I could stay in there for hours.”
William paused. “What else do you enjoy?”
He watched her with amusement, loving the dreamy look that emanated from her eyes while she thought.
“Besides the fancy tub?”
“Uh-huh.”
She shrugged. “Beth's double oven, I suppose. It's great to bake everything at once instead of waiting for one dish to finish before putting another in.” She sighed. “How 'bout you? What do you like most about Daniel's house?”
“That's a no-brainer. The television. ESPN, in particular.”
“What are your favorite sports?”
“Football and soccer. I confess that I'm really going to miss watching that big screen.” He cleared his throat. “If you want the truth, it won't be easy going back to the Amish world.” He winked. “In fact, you wouldn't have to pull my arm hard to convince me to live like this.”
William noted the tense, heavy silence as they continued. Disappointment welled inside of his chest. For some reason, he'd expected her to agree. He wished she would.
Finally, Rebecca spoke in a low, uncertain tone. “You'll join the church, won't you?”
Silence ensued while he considered the question. The more he pondered, the less certain he became. Finally, he realized she had stopped and looked at him for an answer. “I think so.”
He caught Rebecca's immediate sigh of relief.