Authors: Justine Dell
Just as she finished that thought, his hands dropped away from her, and he walked away.
“It’s this way,” he muttered. “Follow me.”
Sophia obeyed, her heart breaking with every step she took.
One hundred thirty-four, one hundred thirty-five, one hundred thirty-six, one hundred thirty-seven.
Counting the steps up the lighthouse helped distract her from Xavier’s silence.
She felt awkward and alone as she took the last step onto the landing, but her irritation dropped away as soon as she looked out of the partially glass-enclosed space toward the ocean. Several windows were cracked, allowing a crisp, cool breeze to rustle her hair.
“Oh! It’s lovely up here. You can see the ocean for miles, and the water is so blue. Look at all those seagulls. There must be a thousand of them. Look there,” she said as she pointed toward the water, “all those sailboats. They look like little toys from this high. It must be so very cold out on the water today.”
Sophia faced Xavier. He hadn’t taken a step closer; if anything, he felt further away.
“The colors are wonderful,” she continued. “It’s like I just stepped into a painting. I imagine it’s even better in the full bloom of the summer. I’ve never seen such a sight.”
“Actually, you have.”
“Oh, that’s right,” she said shyly. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t start that ‘I’m sorry’ stuff again.”
She whirled away from him. “I don’t know what else you want me to say, Xavier.”
His voice was ragged. “This is where we had our first kiss.”
Despite his harsh tone, Sophia’s heart fluttered. She couldn’t help but wonder what that first kiss had been like. They’d both been so young, so inexperienced. She guessed it had been clumsy yet sweet and romantic as the sun set over the ocean behind them. There would have been the faint sound of the surf below and the smell of the salt air. It would have taken her breath away. Would it feel the same way now?
She looked at him like it was the first time. The sun glinted off the glass, lighting the planes and angles of his face, and it looked as if he had been carved in granite. His features hardened, and his beautiful eyes darkened; his nostrils flared with each rise and fall of his chest under his well-fitting black jacket.
She couldn’t take the detachment anymore. Her body hummed. The sensitive pads on her fingertips itched to touch him. They tingled at the very thought, anticipation making her blood run thick and the strings on her heart twine together.
As she closed the distance, his brows drew together. She said nothing but leaned against him and looked into his eyes. The sound of the waves crashing below faded as she tilted her head and kissed him.
His lips tasted like peppermint. He stiffened as she drew him in, but she tangled her fingers through his hair and wouldn’t let him go. Moving her mouth faster, she breathed him in all at once, refusing to believe he didn’t want her.
And she was right; he parted his lips and allowed her to enter. As she slid her tongue over the curve of his bottom lip, a growl came from the back of his throat.
She’d missed this. How their mouths danced so well together. Weak with his surrender, she threw her arms around his neck to support her boneless body. It was him; it was this. It was everything she had ever wanted and everything she couldn’t live without. When she opened her eyes, his blue gaze was focused on her and only her.
He circled her waist and dragged her against his hard length. His other hand found the back of her neck, and his fingers caressed her tender skin. Deeper—she wanted to go deeper. His taste engulfed all her senses as the kiss went from sensual to greedy in a few short breaths.
It was wonderful, intoxicating, and—
“Damn it.” Xavier yanked himself away from her.
Sophia could only gape at him as she caught her breath. “What?”
“You drive me insane.” He took another step back.
“Sorry?”
He shook his head. “Why did you do that?”
Blood rushed to her face. Sophia straightened her shoulders. “I was trying to erase some of that sadness from your face.”
Xavier’s shoulders slumped. “I swear, sometimes I think you’ll be the death of me.”
Anger quickly replaced embarrassment. “Oh, and why is that?”
“You should kiss someone because you want to, not because you feel sorry for them.”
Sophia cocked her brow as she studied him. His face was still hard, his stance firm. “You think I kissed you because I felt sorry for you?” She turned and grabbed the railing, squeezing the anger through her fingers to the cold bar. “You’re wrong. If anything, one would think you were feeling sorry for me after the way you’ve been acting.”
Xavier grabbed her by the arm and spun her around to face him. “Is that what you think? After everything I’ve done for you? Sorry is the last thing I feel you for, Sophia. I’ve been trying to help you. And you’re making it difficult.”
“Difficult?” She sucked in a rough breath, the spray of the sea air almost choking her. “I’m being difficult? One minute you’re soft and caring, and the next you’re acting like if you touch me it will burn. If you call that helping, I’m not sure I want your
help
anymore.” Her fingers raked through her blowing hair. “I’m not what you remember, am I?”
He blinked. “What?”
“That’s it, isn’t it? It’s not me you want; it’s the memories you hold so dear. And since I’m not that same girl now, you can’t be with me.”
“I
do
hold those memories dear. Very dear. And you’re right; you’re not that same girl. But that doesn’t matter. Your memories matter far more than anything.”
Sophia said nothing.
He threw his hands up in the air. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“Obviously not.” She crossed her arms. “Why don’t you explain it to me?”
“I can’t explain it,” he said. “It’s…it’s…” Distress washed over his features. “It’s complicated.”
Xavier’s tone sounded defeated, like there was nothing left of the man she had held so intimately. He could have just said he didn’t want her and not wasted any of her time, because
this
wasn’t helping. She’d been right. She couldn’t hold a candle to the memories Xavier had of her.
Sophia blinked back the tears forming in her eyes. She stood tall as she held a hand to her queasy stomach.
“Well,” she said before her voice cracked. “You should have been honest with me in the beginning and told me you didn’t want to help. You could have told me that you cherished what we
had
more than the future.” She held a hand up when he started to speak. “No—listen. Shame on me for thinking we shared more than just that one night, and shame on me for thinking you should have been more
inviting
these past few days.” She glared at him, the heat rushing to her cheeks. “Both are mistakes I do not intend to make again. You don’t have to worry about me being difficult anymore. For the last time, I shall say I’m sorry—for wasting your time.”
She flung herself past him and flew down and out of the landing area. Her white cotton jacket fluttered around her waist as she ran, taking the steps two at a time. The only sound in her head was her flats pounding the metal stairs. She couldn’t get away fast enough. When the door flung open, she inhaled a deep breath of sea air as the gusty wind whipped up around her.
It’s over.
So much for finding her memory, and so much for allowing herself to feel for a man. She’d always known that would be a bad idea. Men were cruel and didn’t understand the simplest of feelings. And now she had to deal with the heartache of
this
man’s words.
Heartache,
she thought dizzily; that was something she’d never truly felt. A constricting coil bound around her heart, compressing her chest with each stride as it sucked the life right out of her. And the further away she got from Xavier, the worse the sting grew.
She stopped and turned around, focusing her eyes on the top of the lighthouse. He stood in the window, watching her run away. She couldn’t make out his face, but she could feel him. The intensity of his stare and the blow of his anger. A crush of emotion weighed her down and stopped her in her tracks. Her knees wobbled, and she almost crumbled to the grass.
Oh no.
She clutched her hand to her heart. The carving in her chest was complete and excruciating…and screaming at her. She loved him.
How is that possible?
Sophia ran to the edge of the cliffs, tears streaking her vision, and attempted to look beyond the horizon—beyond the fluffy clouds, the calming blue sky, and the blazing orange sun. There had to be a place somewhere where life knew no pain and hearts did not break.
Her knees scraped the jagged rocks as a heart-twisting thought made her crumple to the ground: she needed Xavier more than she needed her memories.
Chapter Sixteen
H
AD
S
HE
B
EEN
S
ITTING
T
HERE
for seconds or long, drawn-out minutes? She had no idea. The seascape didn’t help much in calming her. Sitting on the edge of the rocks, pointy spears of earth poking her as she reeled numbly from shock, she waited for her heart to stop breaking. It didn’t.
The sun glinted blindingly off the water below, making Sophia’s tears feel like they were from the burn of the salty sea instead of her shattered heart. The wind spiraled around her, chilling her already-cold body. She zipped her jacket and curled her arms around herself.
Footsteps crackled along the rocks. He had come for her. As he drew nearer, she turned away. She couldn’t dare look at him now. She would surely fall apart knowing she loved a man who wouldn’t return the emotion.
What could she do now? Running back home seemed like a viable option. Anne Marie could help her clear this mess out of her head. No. Sophia did not run away from things she feared. Not anymore. If so, she would have never made it to right here, right now. That was part of the problem, wasn’t it? Maybe if she hadn’t been so determined to find her memory she wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place.
“Sophia.” Hearing her name roll off his lips sent spirals of ache through her. “Sophia, can I talk to you?”
She nodded but kept her body away from him, stiffening her back and sticking her chin out toward the rolling, endless sea. No matter what, she was going to leave there with some dignity.
Xavier sat down beside her. Sophia jolted when his thigh brushed hers, but he didn’t acknowledge it. He reached over and interlaced his fingers with hers, undeterred when she maneuvered away. Grasping harder, he pulled her hand into his lap and caressed her palm with his fingers.
“Look at me, Sophia.” His voice was hoarse, pained even.
She shook her head and tried to jerk away.
“Please. I need to explain something.”
A hint of curiosity slithered into her mind. Was he going to apologize? Or was he just going to make her feel more like a fool? She wasn’t going to stay there and find out. She went to rise, but Xavier tugged on her arm and trapped her back next to his warm, honey-scented body.
“You’re not going anywhere until we work some things out, Sophia.”
She found the courage to glance at him. His eyes were cloaked with darkness, and his brows were drawn together. Agony etched across his beautiful features. But above all, he looked like home.
“I don’t have anything else to say—”
Xavier crushed his lips to hers with a fury she’d never felt before, taking the words and the breath right out of her mouth. With the unpredictability of the sea, he washed over her like a storm that catches a ship in the middle of the night. Tossing and turning her until she didn’t know which way was up, pounding all her senses. He was everywhere. And he drew her deeper, consuming everything in his path. The walls of her ship buckled like twigs under his force.
He cupped her face as he slowed the kiss, bringing her back from the brink of total, euphoric meltdown. He eased away from her slightly.
“Sophia,” he whispered across her lips.
One small kiss had her smiling. Two small kisses to each of the corners of her mouth had her trembling for more. With no walls to hold her up, she was his. Now and forever. There hadn’t been a love before and there would never be another.
“I’m not in love with memories, Sophia. I’m in love with you.”
Shock made her go rigid. “What?”
“I. Love. You.” His lips swept across her cheek. “I always have, and I’m sorry it took so long for me to tell you.” He cupped her face again, met her gaze, and kissed her left eye then her right. “Seeing you up there in the lighthouse, so angry, so hurt because of the way I treated you…it turned me inside out.” His fingers caressed the side of her face. “I was afraid. I wanted nothing more than tell you how much I love you and need you. But I didn’t want to scare you off. I wanted you to find your memory first.”